The Child Is Father of the Man

107) Learn Lessons - Not imposing ourselves on others.

2012-01-30T13:22:00.003+08:00

"Never impose on others, what you would not choose for yourself." Confucius (551-479 BC)

A pro-life woman was picketed by pro-choice protesters. The day was cold, so she bought doughnuts and coffee and herself handed out the nourishment to the protesters. They were silenced. She told them that her choice was different from theirs but she respected them as people.

What an edifying example! What do we normally do when people disagree with us and choose to vehemently oppose us? We take it as a personal affront; we fight back; bad mouth them; and hold grudges, when we do not succeed in getting them to accept our way of thinking. Here is a fine woman who shows us a different way of dealing with the same situation. When we learn to disagree agreeably, not only do we keep our peace, but also we become spheres of influence to others, mainly our children. When they see us unruffled in challenging situations, they too will learn to face them with composure. Their young lives will be edifying.

106) Learn Lessons - Value relationships

2012-01-05T15:01:00.003+08:00

"Relationships are what life is all about." Rick Warren

In his book, My Confessions, Russian Novelist Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910), admits to his blunder of chasing fame through his writing, which robbed him of the wealth of relationships. He chose the embrace of fame and popularity to the warmth of close relationships.

Tolstoy is not alone in his lamentation. Many of us do, but lack the courage to face the problem head-on and solve it. Instead, we remain slaves to our passions - lust for pleasure, craving for power, insatiable hunger for money and unquenchable thirst for fame. We chase these phantoms at the risk of our relationships - with spouse, children, parents, siblings, colleagues, friends and even strangers, who are friends we have not met. We draw boundaries and keep people at a distance, seldom letting them enter the inner circle of our lives. We will not spare a thought or time for others, obsessed with our personal agenda.

It is time we revisited our relationships. It is time we embraced those eager to encircle us with their arms and give us a place in their hearts. There is no better time to do it than at the start of a New Year.

Seeing us change our priorities and give our relationships the place they merit, our children will learn to value people and not things. They will discover the meaning of love.

105) Learn lessons - thank God for blessings

2011-12-23T14:01:00.003+08:00

"What you are is God's gift to you; what you do with yourself is your gift to God." Danish Proverb.

A cynic, sitting under a huge nut-bearing tree holds a monologue with God. Such a huge tree has such small nuts and a slender creeper bears a huge water melon. "Is that not disproportionate", he asks God? Just as he concludes his question, a nut from the tree falls on his head. In relief, the cynic exclaims: "Thank God that was not a water melon!"

As the year draws to a close, it is time we reflected on the numerous blessings we received from God. Apparently, some life-situations seemed insurmountable. In retrospect, they were blessings cast in the shape of opportunities. Our meditation could take us one step ahead: now that we are on the threshold of a new year, what can we do for God with the blessings He has given us? Could we become more productive? Could we reach out to others gladly? Could we use the many talents we have with purpose? The questions could go on and on, but the point is the same: Can we thank God through acts of love? Once we are convinced that we can bring more direction into our lives in the New year, we could inspire our children to use their young lives effectively.

Let me wish visitors to this blog a blessed and peace-filled Christmas and an eventful 2012. Have a great year! God bless.

104) Learn Lessons - match aspirations with capability

2011-12-01T13:27:00.003+08:00

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." Theodore Roosevelt

A man was seen fishing. Every time he caught a big fish, he threw it back in the water. Each time he caught a small fish, he kept it. A puzzled onlooker asked him why he did what he was doing. The man blinked and replied: "I have only an eight inch frying pan. The big fish will not fit." It did not occur to him that he could cut the big fish to size. That is not the point. The lesson for us is that we match our aspirations with our capabilities. The fish to fit the pan.

Not every dancer can dance like Michael Jackson. Not every sprinter can match Usain Bolt. Not every boxer can do an Ali. Not every singer can sing like Jim Reeves or Connie Francis. Not every poet can be another John Milton. Each can operate within limits; within the capability he or she has. It is important to realize this. Often we chase wild dreams, hoping to conquer heights we cannot climb. We envy those who excel at what we cannot. We live dissipated lives, because we will not come to terms with our limited skills. We could aim at the stars to hit at least the tree tops. That is fine, as long as we are realistic. When we learn to match our ambitions with our ability, our children will learn from us and not spend wasted days dreaming of things they cannot do. If my son is a straggler in class, no amount of my persuasion will push him to the top. He could improve his performance, but not above his capability. He should not become a depressed young fellow, because I keep goading him to achieve something that is clearly out of limits for him. It is better to heed the advice of Theodore Roosevelt and be content - not letting up on efforts, but moderating aspirations.

103) Learn Lessons - small is big

2011-11-09T14:26:00.004+08:00

"They also serve who only stand and wait." John Milton

A water bearer carried two pots on a cane across his neck as he fetched water for his master's household. One pot was slightly cracked and leaked water; the other was without flaw. As he carried water each time, water leaked from the cracked pot. This happened day after day, until the cracked pot lamented: "I leak water. Your hard work is not rewarded. Can you not fix the leak?" The pot bearer patiently explained: "No matter how broken we are, we serve a purpose." "What purpose do I serve," the pot asked? The pot bearer questioned with understanding:"I wonder if you have noticed the bed of flowers on the route we take to the stream?" "Not really," the pot answered. "The water that leaks from you, waters that bed of flowers. Fresh flowers bloom which I collect for my master's table. So, you help the flowers and the flowers help us. You and your leak serve a purpose."
(I owe this story to my grandson, Augustus, who narrated it with gusto.)

This is where small is big - small acts have a big impact. Without our knowing, we are engaged in small acts of kindness which impact the lives of others, very often, in a big way. We treat them as trifles, but kindness is no trifling matter.Perhaps a warm welcome to someone who is sad, can cheer that person. Perhaps a little relief to someone who is overburdened, can bring a smile to replace a frown. A word of encouragement, can put a spring into the step of one who is lagging behind. Small acts add up like flowers that go to make a bouquet. John Milton's words at the top of this post offer the same thought - he was blind but hoped that his poetry would help readers in a small way; actually they helped people in a big way. When our children see us perform little acts of kindness and small deeds of mercy, they too will want to follow our example and reach out to children around them. Before long they will have a halo over their heads.

102) Learning lessons - Smile

2011-10-25T13:46:00.004+08:00

"You can give the poor even your life, but if you don't give it with a smile, you give them nothing." Mother Teresa.

(The story that appears below was sent to me by an acquaintance. I thank her.)

I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree. The last class I had to take was Sociology. The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with. Her last project of the term was called "Smile."

The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reaction. I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say, hello anyway ... so, I thought, this would be a piece of cake, literally. Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to a hotel, one crisp March morning. It was just our way of sharing special play time with our son. We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did. I did not move an inch ... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved. As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body smell" and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men. As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling". His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance. He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching. The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally deficient and the blue eyed gentle man was his salvation. I held my tears ... as I stood there with them. The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted. He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford. To sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something, and they just wanted to be warm.

Then I really felt it ... the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes. That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me ... judging my every action. I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray. I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue eyed gentleman's cold hand. He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you." I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this for you ... God is here working through me to give you hope." I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son.

When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me honey ... to give me hope." We held hands for a moment. That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love. I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand. I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it ... then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?" I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.

A smile costs us nothing,but it lights up someone's life.When we smile we spread good cheer and hope. We open the door to happiness - both for ourselves and others. And when we give with a smile the giving is treasured. Once we make a habit of giving with a smile, it will rub off on our children to bring them a share of happiness. We owe it to them.

101) Learning lessons - Discovering the unique child

2011-08-29T13:46:00.004+08:00

"What society does to its children, so will its children do to society." Cicero

A certain young politician had taken up the cause of a minority group. He was completely engrossed in this project - writing, speaking and debating the issue at every forum he could find. It had become for him a magnificent obsession.

One day, a young man from the minority group visited him and begged for a moment of his time. Peeved at the young man's insistence to meet him, the politician instructed his assistant to inform the visitor that he was totally caught up in the cause of the group that he could not spare time for the individual. The startled assistant replied: "Sir, that is incredible. Even God has not reached that stage, yet". The politician had got behind a cause and ignored the person in front of him.

The same thing happens to many of us - we get caught up in the concepts of parenting that we ignore or forget to pay attention to the individual child, the one who is different, unique. To treat each child differently and not by common standards is the holy duty of parents. Instead, we try to bracket them as children and deal with them as a group - neglecting their individual preferences, traits, their blossoming personalities.

We are ruffled when we are stereotyped; yet we do precisely that to children without a thought for the person that each is. As a result our children are emotionally bruised and nurse many hurts. These hurts sometime disfigure their personalities. And willy- nilly we pay the price for the harm we bring upon them.

100) Teach children lessons - that your love cannot be measured.

2011-08-19T13:57:00.004+08:00

"Where there is love, there is no labor; or, if there is labor, the labor is loved."
Saint Augustine.

A mother had twelve children. The youngest was a sad sight - physically and emotionally challenged. When Mother Teresa offered to take the child to her Home for children, the mother of the child begged her not to separate her child from her. "This child is the greatest gift God has given my family. All our love is showered on her. If you take her away from us, our lives would have no more meaning". (Story taken from the book: Mother Teresa, In my own words.)

This story should set us thinking. In some of our homes there could be a child who is a slow learner, autistic, deformed or physically challenged in some way. How do we respond to that child? Fatalistic? This is a cross I must carry? Is there unspoken anguish? Do we see the child as a burden that we are forced to shoulder? Do we secretly wish that the child passes on? Our attitude to the child will speak through our actions - labor that can be loved.

Perhaps, we could also learn from the mother of six, who was asked which of her six children she loved the most. Without hesitation she answered: I love that child most who is in trouble. When he is out of trouble, I love the next child who is in trouble. Her love was a response to the need of the child - not her need. As Saint Augustine puts it again: "The measure of love, is to love without measure."

99) Teach children lessons - setting norms

2011-07-29T09:42:00.004+08:00

"We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are." Anais Nin.

A man passes a watch maker's shop everyday and stops to correct his watch. The watch maker sees this and inquires why the man had to correct his watch daily. He replies that he works in the adjoining factory and has to make sure that he rings the factory bell exactly at 4PM at closing time. Concealing a blush, the watch maker confides that his clock does not work well and that he corrects his clock everyday when the factory bell rings.

The story may amuse us, but strangely that is what happens to many of us. We keep adjusting our value system to the norms others have only to discover that their norms are suspect. We try to ape others to be befuddled when we find that we are following the wrong standards. Sometimes we have the courage to change and reset our value system. At other times we just carry on. The problem strikes us when our children act likewise. They switch from time to time to adopt priorities of those they fancy. They do not stop to search their minds. They do not see things as they are but as they are - blind followers of others. We owe it to them, not only to have the right standards for our lives, but also help set their own clocks.

98) Teach children lessons - value relationships

2011-07-11T10:53:00.003+08:00

"In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart."
Anne Frank (Nazi victim)

Leo Tolstoy in his book My Confessions admits to the blunder of chasing fame through his writings, which robbed him of the treasure of relationships.

Very often we commit the same mistake. We chase our money goals. We fall in love with a position and will do anything to retain it. We hanger after things and possessions, ignoring people who are important in our lives. We choose things over people. Our relationships suffer. Instead of recognizing goodness in people, we find goodness in things. Our children watch what we do and imitate what we do. For them also friends are less important to the things they value. Even people at home become second best. God loses His place in their lives. They chase dreams that are insubstantial. It is time our thinking changed and our example became edifying. Otherwise like Leo Tolstoy, we will have regrets and in our footsteps our children will lament the missed opportunities.

97) Teach children lessons - through example.

2011-06-20T11:01:00.003+08:00

"You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips." Oliver Goldsmith

A welcoming party was assembled at the railway station for Dr Albert Schweitzer - Nobel Peace Prize winner in 1953, and missionary who spent his whole life among the poorest in Africa. As the train stopped a tall man stepped out of his compartment to cheers of those waiting. Senior officials shook his hands and the media feasted on the event. He thanked them warmly, but quickly excused himself to go across to an elderly black woman who was struggling with her bags to board the train. Dr Albert helped her with her bags and wished her a safe journey. Returning to the people gathered to greet him, he excused himself for keeping them waiting.

In the crowd, an admirer remarked: "That is the first time I ever saw a sermon walking".

As parents we ought to remember this story and the implication on the example we set our children. Our life, more than our lips will edify our children.

96) Teach children lessons - Anger Management

2011-05-16T13:57:00.004+08:00

"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow."
Chinese Proverb.

A few weeks ago I witnessed an incident that shocked me. Two little boys were standing in front of the candle stand at Church. One, about eight, was trying to touch the lighted candles. The other, about five, was trying to do what his brother did. The mother of the children rushes in and starts beating the older boy for playing with lighted candles and allowing his younger brother to do likewise. Shouting at the top of her voice, she berated the older boy in unkind words and continued to physically assault him. In shame and pain, the little boy cringed.

What example was the mother setting? Was her angry outburst a solution? Would she correct her child or harden him in his disobedient ways? Often our mindless words and actions result in the opposite effect we want to produce. Very often we scandalize our children through our irresponsible acts.

95) Teach children lessons - "How can I help?"

2011-04-11T14:40:00.004+08:00

"Help your brother's boat across and lo! your own has reached the shore." Hindu Proverb

Sylvia Hill, with a degree in counseling and extensive managerial experience, shines shoes at the Boston Airport. Travelers get their shoes shined by her as she engages them in conversation. Some are touched by her warmth and her cheerful ways that they share their load of problems with her. Using her experience in counseling, she offers them a few tips. They get back to tell her that her suggestions helped. She said that she opted out of a Corporate career to reach out to people who are heavily burdened. "I didn't want to just come to the airport and shine shoes. I wanted to provide service to people, and wanted to make a difference."

Caught up in our own lives, we seldom ask the question: How can I help? When we are obsessed with our lives, our children will think and act likewise - shunning every opportunity to reach out to others. It is time we made a difference to others, to our children and to ourselves.

94) Teach children lessons - Forbearance

2011-03-28T14:58:00.005+08:00

"If you suffer from a bad man's injustice, forgive him lest there be two bad men."
Saint Augustine.

The papers report crimes of different kinds - deception and cheating, molestation and rape, thefts and robberies, stabbings and shootings; the list is endless. The vile acts shock us and we are quick to condemn both the crime and the criminal. But have to stopped to consider that we are no less guilty?

We desire another man's wealth and scheme how to steal it from him. We lust beautiful women and women crave for virile men. We plot the downfall and death of those who harm us. The only difference is that we commit the crimes in our minds, others carry out their nefarious plots. We stop with the plan and fear to carry it out because of consequences. The truth is that we are partners in crime with those convicted. We are the shadow criminals.

We are watched by our children who are quick to pounce on those who err - sibling, classmate, teacher. They condemn others although they are guilty of the same faults. Unless they learn from us to forbear the wrongs of others, they will be held down by their double standards - viewing their own faults leniently and being merciless in pulling down others. Only forbearance will give them a balanced view.

93) Teach children lessons - value life

2011-03-14T11:47:00.004+08:00

"It is great to be alive", was a sign at the entrance to San Fransisco many many decades ago, when the town had a population of only 500 people but many thousand graves.

During the Second World War ll a Dutch Jew who was a Jeweler was held captive in a Nazi concentration camp. Hidden in a safe place was some gold that he managed to smuggle into the camp. He hoped that he could use it when he was free again. The rations in the camp were meager and he was hungry for most of the time. He knew he could not take it longer, so he decided to trade his gold for food. With the guard he bargained. After much time and many words the guard gave him two dried potatoes for his gold. But the Jeweler accepted the potatoes because he valued his life more than the gold. He wanted to live to be free again.

Viktor Frankl a psychiatrist who was also a prisoner in a concentration camp made an important finding after much observation and study: prisoners who had a reason to live outlived those who gave up hope; who did not have a reason to live.

Do we have a good reason to live? Not just the reason of amassing wealth? Can we honestly say that we live purposeful lives, because we value the life we have? Do we teach our children to value the life God has given them? From us they will learn if we believe that "it is great to be alive" - to live purposeful lives, for ourselves and for others.

92) Teach children lessons - Giving credit where due

2011-02-21T11:49:00.003+08:00

"Prophets are not without honor except in their own country and in their own house."
Matt.13:57.

When Jesus walked this earth 2000 years ago, a section of people did not give him credit for the wondrous deeds he performed. That prompted him to say that a prophet like him was not recognized in his hometown. His detractors stopped at not giving him credit.

We go further. Not only do we not give credit where it is due, but also steal credit from those who should have it. Seeing us blatantly flout decency, our children act likewise. They take credit for acts not performed by them - like taking credit for homework and projects completed by parents or older siblings, taking credit for answers provided by others to difficult questions, winning games by cheating. Unless we check this habit as it starts, they can become crafty manipulators. But before we attempt to change them, we need to change ourselves.

91) Teach Children Lessons - Imitation

2011-02-02T13:07:00.005+08:00

"The proof of love is imitation." Saint Augustine.

Responding to a question on who his role models were, Jason Araghi founder of Araghi's Green Bean Coffee Worldcafe Company said: "My parents. They are my heroes.Their story is about being good role models." Immigrants from Iran to the USA during the revolution which saw the fall of the Shah, they had to face very hard times. Right through those tough days his parents lived in dignity, teaching him to be a good human being. Those lessons are indelibly printed in his mind.

He chose to set up his parents whom he loved dearly as his role models and decided to imitate them. That is what love does.

How do we score? Do our children love us enough to make us role models? If not, why?

90) Teach children lessons - Integrity

2011-01-17T11:20:00.004+08:00

"No legacy is so rich as honesty." Shakespeare

The great wall of China is a gigantic structure which cost much money and took much labor to construct. It looked impregnable when finished. But the enemy breached it, not by tearing it down or digging a tunnel under it, but by bribing the gatekeepers. Nothing is safe where there is corruption; where integrity is missing. Our children are not safe in a home where honesty is compromised.

We are blind to our faults, but will notice and accuse others of the slightest weakness. We shut our eyes to the many half truths that occupy our lives, because deep down we are corrupt, without wanting to acknowledge our guilt. In such a situation, what happens to our children? They see how we live our double standards - preaching honesty but practicing dishonesty in our personal and professional lives. What will our children choose to do? What is convenient; what brings them material gains. So, they too make compromises. They too become corrupt like us.

We hope to leave our children a legacy of riches. Why not try leaving them a legacy of honesty?

89) Teach Children lessons - growing in faith

2011-01-04T14:24:00.003+08:00

"Faith is not a leap in the dark; it is a leap out of darkness into light." David Reed.

The passengers on a train were uneasy as they sped along through the dark stormy night. Lightning flashed and the clap of thunder was terrifying as black clouds rolled in, threatening heavier rains. The view through the windows was scary, to say the least. Fear and tension among the travelers was evident, as the train gained speed and rushed over wet tracks.

One little fellow sat alone engrossed in play, with a few toys that surrounded him - unaware and unafraid of the storm and dangers that could beset the travelers. Watching him intently, an elderly lady asked him: "Son, I see that you are alone on the train. Aren't you afraid to travel alone on such a stormy night?" The little boy looked up and gave the lady an angelic smile; then he confidently replied: "No ma'am, I am not afraid. My daddy is the engineer(train driver)."

The innocent faith of a child in his father!

As parents, how we long for implicit trust of our children! We rejoice in such faith. What is unfortunate is that the flame of faith that once burnt bright dims, and we are dismayed. What did we do to deserve the change? Why have our children lost the trusting faith they once had in us? We need to find some answers if our parenting efforts are to get back on track, like the speeding train. Our parenting cannot be derailed for want of trust!

88) Teach children lessons - Helping adversaries

2010-12-20T10:50:00.005+08:00

"It is a pleasant thought that when you help a fellow up a steep hill, you get nearer to the top yourself." - Reynolds Price.

Some days ago the newspapers reported on a ravaging fire in Israel that claimed 41 precious lives and scorched acres of land. Firefighters and the people of the area braved the flames to stop more damage. The best part of the team effort was the joining of Palestinians in the firefighting. Setting aside age-old rivalry and rancor, they offered to help their adversaries. What a beautiful act! What a wonderful way of expressing oneness in the face of danger! Do we see a window for peace in the monstrous wall that separates them? We hope that out of some evil, much good will come.

We are reminded of the parable Jesus told - The Good Samaritan. The priest and the Levite, walked past the wounded man. Supposedly, they had their reasons. Along comes a Samaritan, whom the Jews despised. He stops to succor the wounded man. He does not shun him. Instead, he sees a fellow in distress and willingly helps. Are we seeing the parable in action, 2000 years after Jesus narrated it? In their rescue effort are the Palestinians giving us a sign of hope? Is a candle being lit which can light other candles?

Often we are caught up in a war with our adversaries. We malign them; plot their downfall; and delight in their misfortunes. We believe that we have scored a point.
Watching us perform our children learn to gloat over the failings of those who oppose them; speak ill of them; and in their own way scheme to put down those who were friends till yesterday, but have fallen out today. What a tragic commentary to our parenting efforts!

When people in Israel and Palestine can light a candle, will we join them in lighting candles in our own homes?

In this season of goodwill we wish you a blessed and peace-filled Christmas and a hope-filled New Year.

87) Teach children lessons - winning by fair means

2010-12-06T12:18:00.005+08:00

"We are not interested in the possibilities of defeat. They do not exist."
Queen Victoria (1819-1901).

Did Queen Victoria repeat one of Alexander's axioms? We do not know. What we do know is that Alexander ruled out the option of losing. Here is how he demonstrated his winning-belief. His Generals had failed , after repeated attempts, to capture a rather elusive territory. So he decided to lead them on their last charge. As the soldiers sailed to their target, they spotted a large number of enemy ships anchored at port. The large number of ships suggested that the opposition would be formidable. Fearing defeat, his soldiers pleaded with Alexander that they return home. He would have none of it. They disembarked at a secluded spot on the enemy shore. Then looking at the boats that they had just pushed under cover, Alexander ordered the soldiers to burn them. They were stunned. How would they go back? But no one dared disobey Alexander. In dismay and fear they burnt the boats. Looking into their faces drained of hope, Alexander promised them that they would return home in the enemy ships. To do that, they would have to fight for their lives to capture both ships and territory. They fought with unusual valor and won, to go back in the enemy ships.

We cannot but admire the winning attitude in Alexander. Some of us have the same drive. To win always. Winning is good if the means are fair. But winning at all costs casts doubts on our motives. Bending rules and compromising on ethics does our reputation no good. When we win unfairly, then winning is losing. The tragic part is that our children watch us scheme and plot the downfall of others, that they begin to adopt our ways. They will lie and not feel ashamed; cheat and not feel guilty; tread on other toes and shrug the incident away; and gloat. Unless we teach them to play fair they will celebrate pyrrhic victories and hollow triumphs.

86) Teach children lessons - Giving unselfishly

2010-11-22T12:08:00.008+08:00

"If you give because it pays, it won't pay you." R. G. LeTourneau.

A poor family of six, parents and four children, were eagerly awaiting the arrival of a popular Circus Troupe in town. To give his family a treat the man saved coins over weeks to have enough for the tickets. After much waiting and great expectations they queued at the ticket counter. As it opened and the ticket prices were put up the man was aghast - after all that saving he was still short of cash for six tickets; even for the lowest class. He told his wife that he and she could wait outside the circus tent as the children watched the show. But the children would have none of it - they all went in or no one went in. Suddenly their spirits matched their faded clothes and footwear which was giving way in places. They decided to walk away from the queue. A man standing behind them in the queue heard their conversation. Without a word he dropped some money at the foot of the father, who was preparing to leave, and walked into the crowd - a nameless benefactor. The father saw the money, saw the man drop it at his feet, but had no chance to thank the giver. Excitedly they watched the show, but the man's heart went back again and again to the generous giver who would not wait to be thanked.

Many of us give, but want it to be a photo opportunity; a chance for a press report;
an occasion when others praise us for our generosity; a way of claiming a tax benefit. We expect some form of recompense. Jesus was decisive when he said: "But when you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing". Matt. 6:3. He continued that charity is rewarded by God, not man. Therefore, trumpets are not necessary. In the story we just read the man who dropped the money at the father's feet did not want even the rest of the family to know that someone else was paying for their tickets. He did not want the head of the family to lose face.

It is time we examined our motives when we give. It is time we taught our children to give without expecting thanks and praise. To know that the act of giving in itself is the reward. It also applies to non-money acts of kindness.

85) Teach children lessons - Accepting Responsibility

2010-11-08T12:40:00.005+08:00

"People need responsibility. They resist assuming it, but they can't get along without it." John Steinbeck.

On November 4, between 1 and 2 AM, Singapore time, we watched President Obama's press conference, after the mid-term election results were announced. His Party had suffered a battering in the House of Representatives and just managed to hang on to a slender lead in the Senate. It was not a good time to face the press. Yet, with composure and dignity, he fielded questions (some tricky ones also), to give Americans and the World an answer they were looking for - the future would be better than the past.

What struck us during the one hour press meet, was his courage and humility to accept responsibility for the current state of affairs. He did not offer excuses; did not look for scapegoats; and did not pass the buck. Instead, the man that he is, he took the assaults on his chin, held himself responsible for what went wrong and promised to work harder to deliver better results. In the words of R. L. Stevenson, "he was like a clock in a thunderstorm" - ticking away despite the storm raging around him.

When things go wrong how do we react? Get into the blame-game? Look for excuses? Nail others? When we play such games, our children will learn to excel in them. If they score well in a test, proudly they take credit. But if they do badly it is the teacher to blame - she set a tough question paper; she did not teach well; she was not fair in evaluation. When will the blame-game stop? Only when we choose to end it - like President Obama. Growth in our children will begin only when they stop blaming others.

84) Teach children lessons - Conviction

2010-10-29T15:24:00.003+08:00

"A man is a saint when he stands for his convictions." Peter Marshall.

One evening, a young Traffic Cop pulled up a vehicle for a traffic offense. The driver stepped out of the vehicle and introduced himself as a Senior Police Official. He expected the young Cop to salute him and let him go. Instead, the young man wrote out a ticket and gave it to the stunned Officer with the words: "Sir, you should be proud that you have an honest Cop on the Force".

What would we have done in that situation? What do we teach our children to do in such situations. The easy way out is to flow with the tide. To make compromises. To do what keeps us out of trouble, even if it means doing something wrong. Do our children stand up for what they believe in? They will do it, if we do it. When conviction leads the way courage is close behind.

83) Teach children lessons - Excellence.

2010-10-13T12:39:00.003+08:00

"Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well." Philip Chesterfield.

Over the past few weeks we have had only bad news from the Commonwealth Games, being conducted in India. Incompetent, irresponsible, chaotic and many more harsh expressions have been used by people to describe conditions at the games venue. Those in charge of the games have been put to the sword.

Why did this happen? Funds, despite the corruption, were available in plenty. Skill and Intelligence were not in short supply. What then was the problem? Put simply, it is the CHALTHA HAI attitude of the average Indian, which means, in English, compromises are okay. Delays are okay. Poor quality is okay. Lower standards are okay.

As an Indian, I am embarrassed to admit that it is true. Unfortunately, the average child grows up making compromises - at home, in school and among friends. Later, in adult life, the attitude does not change, because we as parents do not change. Ours is a compromised way of life.

We have a grave responsibility to save our children from such a negative attitude that can bring upon them nothing but disaster. We shall have to begin with ourselves. Only then can we convincingly persuade our children to follow the path of excellence, not compromise.

"God does not want us to do extraordinary things. He wants us to do ordinary things extraordinarily well." Charles Gore.

82) Teach children lessons using stories - Is There Love ?

2010-08-26T12:19:00.005+08:00

"Love cures people - both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it."
Karl Menninger

A prison in Brazil ran a special project. Instead of treating prisoners harshly and violently, they decided on treating them with kindness and concern. At first the prisoners were suspicious, because no one had treated them well before. But the jail authorities continued undeterred in their attempts to reach out to the prisoners and treat them with some dignity. In time, the inmates realized that it was for real and dropped their guard to return smiles with smiles; kindness with kindness. As the project reached an advanced stage, the Warden decided to entrust prison security to a prisoner who was serving a life sentence. Everyone was shocked. But the Warden had faith in the prisoner and in his project. The prisoner faithfully carried out his responsibilities. When the media heard of this unusual experiment, they queried the
prisoner: Now that you are in charge of security and serving a life sentence, why don't you run away? The prisoner replied promptly: Who can run away from love?

Parents need to ask themselves the same question: Who can run away from love? We read and hear of children running away from home. Some who want to do it, but do not dare to carry out their plans, stay back, unhappy at the way things are. Children are quick to see through the motions that parents go through in their parenting. They recognize the ones burning with love from the ones who do not make serious attempts to master parenting. And they are confounded. It is not that there are perfect parents; but there are parents who try to be perfect and those who do not try enough. And when children find that love is wanting, they want to go where love will be plentiful - perhaps outside the home, they believe. It is up to us to fill the void that children feel.

81) Teach children lessons using stories- Purpose vs Problems

2010-08-18T13:57:00.006+08:00

"If you take care of the things that are dear to God, He will take care of the things that are dear to you." Howard Taylor

In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren , Rick said:
People ask me, What is the purpose of life?
And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness. This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for..

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems:

If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain. But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.

It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease..

So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit.. We made no major purchases.

Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.

Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?

Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.

That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.

Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.

Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.

Painful moments, TRUST GOD.

Every moment, THANK GOD.

That is Rick Warren's approach to life. What is ours? How do our children see life? To them is it a mad rat race of making money and acquiring things? Do they have time and thought for God and others in their life? Isn't it time we pondered and we got our children to think?

80) Teach children lessons using stories- Happiness IS an Inside Job

2010-08-12T12:03:00.006+08:00

"Very little is needed to make life happy. It is all within yourself, in your way of thinking." Marcus Aurelius.

A blind 92 year old woman entered an old age home, after her husband of 70 years died. The attendant at the home tried to explain to the woman about the room she would occupy. She thrilled at the idea; was almost euphoric. The puzzled attendant asked her:"You have not been to the room yet. How can you rejoice?" The Woman replied: "Happiness is something you decide. Every morning I decide to be happy with what I have and not be unhappy with what I don't have, because each day is a gift. I have also many happy memories, which I try to relive. So, young man keep depositing in your memory bank. You will never be short of happiness."

What a special woman! It is great that in a deary world we still have happy people to give us a reason to be hopeful. Are we happy; do we spread happiness? Do our children learn to be happy by seeing us happy? Or, are they weighed down with cares, because that is the way we see life - care-filled, anxious and depressed? Do we teach our children that every cloud has a silver lining; that dawn follows the dark night; that a crisis is the test of character; that there many others who are worse off; that there are many happy memories to relive; that each day is a gift from God to be thankfully accepted and made happy with happy thoughts. As Marcus Aurelius puts it: it is in our way of thinking. When we change our way of thinking, we change the way we look at life. Then happiness is just a thought away.

79) Teach children lessons using stories- Sharing

2010-08-04T13:55:00.005+08:00

"People who live for self never succeed in satisfying self or anybody else" Trumbull.

A farmer who grew superior corn and won prizes at State Fairs for the quality of his produce, shared seeds with his neighbors. Asked why he did something that would create competition, he said: "Didn't you know that the wind picks up pollen grains from ripening corn and swirls it around from field to field. If my neighbor grew inferior corn, through cross-pollination my corn will get badly affected, in time. If I grow good corn, my neighbor should also grow good corn. That way, we help one another. Mine is superior because of the extra effort I put in."

The farmer acted contrary to today's dictum of self above all else. He showed the wisdom in sharing; in including others in his scheme of things.

From us do our children learn the wisdom in sharing? Do they understand the folly in promoting self over others? That sorrows are halved and joys doubled, when shared?
That we should treat others as we would want to be treated? If they have not learned from us, where else will they gain such wisdom? It is time we pondered this key area in parenting.

78) Teach children lessons using stories- It's all in the Attitude

2010-06-15T17:25:00.005+08:00

"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." Clement Stone.

A little girl, walking on the seashore, was tossing stranded star fish back into the sea. An old man who watched her said: "There are thousands of them. You can't put all of them back into the sea. What difference does it make by throwing in a few?" The little girl heard him. Without stopping what she was doing she said: "It does, to this one", as she tossed one more star fish into the sea.

Very often we are like the old man, cynical of small acts; wanting instead to do great things. Mother Teresa ends this argument with words: We cannot do great things; 'only small things with great love'. We cannot change the way the world transacts; we can only change ourselves and a few whom we can influence. In turn, those we influence will impact a few more. That is the sphere of influence that we can get into. We all cannot become CEOs; but can do excellently what we are called to do. Our children may not become school pupil leaders; but they can join the leader in doing well what is expected of them. All of them may not have the talents other children have; but they can perform creditably in the area they are blessed with. The positive attitude of doing their best, even in the smallest task makes a big difference.

77) Teach children lessons using stories - Judge Not

2010-06-09T12:11:00.004+08:00

"Do not judge, so that you may not be judged."

Matt 7:1
I was shocked, confused, bewildered

As I entered Heaven's door,

Not by the beauty of it all,

Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven

Who made me sputter and gasp--

The thieves, the liars, the sinners,

The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade

Who swiped my lunch money twice.

Next to him was my old neighbor

Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought

Was rotting away in hell,

Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,

Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?

I would love to hear Your take.

How did all these sinners get up here?

God must have made a mistake.

And why's everyone so quiet,

So somber - give me a clue."

"Hush, child," He said, "they're all in shock.

No one thought they'd be seeing you."

JUDGE NOT.

Remember...Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian

any more than standing in your garage makes you a car .

Every saint has a PAST...

Every sinner has a FUTURE (Message taken from the internet.)

If only we stopped to think we would be shocked at the number of times in a day we judge others without the slightest qualm. We character assassinate even those who are close to us. The children hear us do this day after day. What example are we setting them? What do we expect them to learn from our words and actions? How can we be shocked when we hear them blame, fault, accuse, bad-mouth those they know? It is time we gave the admonition: "Judge not" serious thought, for the sake of our children.

76) Teach children lessons using stories - Closed Doors ? New Paths.

2010-06-03T13:29:00.005+08:00

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." Theodore Roosevelt.

Closed Doors

We need to learn to praise the Lord as much for a closed door as we do an open door. The reason God closes doors is because He has not prepared anything over there for us. If he didn't close the wrong door, we would never find the right door.

God directs our path through the closing and opening of doors. Once a door closes, it forces you to change your course. Another door closes, it forces you to change your course again. Then, finally, you find the open door and you walk right into your blessings.

The Lord directs our paths through the opening and closing of doors, but instead of praising him for the closed door (which keeps us out of trouble); we get upset because we "judge by the appearances. "

You have an ever-present help in the time of trouble that is always standing guard. Because He walks ahead of you, He can spot trouble down the road and set up a roadblock or detour accordingly. But through our lack of wisdom, we try to tear down the roadblocks or push aside the detour sign. Then the minute we get into trouble, we start crying, "Lord, how could You have done this to me?"

We have got to realize that the closed door can be a blessing. Didn't He say that no good thing would He withhold from them that love Him?

If you get terminated from your job, praise God for the new opportunities that will manifest themselves: it might be another job, it might be school.

If that man or woman won't return your call, it might not be them, it might be the Lord setting up a roadblock (just let it go).

We can sometimes trap ourselves in doubt and discouragement through judging by appearances. Be grateful for the many times our Father has closed doors to us just to open them in the most unexpected places.

The Lord won't always say in spoken words: "Go to the left, now to the right" ... sometimes He will just close the doors that are wrong for you.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What do we do when we face adversity? Grumble? Curse God? Blame others? Or stop to think? Is there a shaft of light coming through that closed door? Is there hope where none can be seen? Is it a test of our maturity? If we panic, our children will do the same. If we throw up our hands in despair, our children will do likewise. So, each time we are faced with a problem , we have to think of what lesson we are teaching the children. We just cannot act on impulse. The advice that Roosevelt gives us at the top of this post, is well worth pondering.

75) Teach children lessons using stories- P.U.S.H

2010-05-27T14:26:00.006+08:00

"If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it would obey you" Luke 17:6

A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light and God appeared. The Lord told the man He had work for him to do and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin.

The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. So, this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all of his might.

Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan), decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind:

"You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort, and that will be good enough. That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord. "Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?" the Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. Is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown; your hands are calloused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. True, you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. That you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock." At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just a simple obedience and faith in Him. By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves mountains. When everything seems to go wrong...just

P.U.S.H.! When the job gets you down... just P.U. S.H.! When people don't react the way you think they should... just P.U.S.H. When your money is "gone" and the bills are due... just P.U.S.H! When people just don't understand you... just P.U.S.H.

P= Pray

U= Until

S= Something

H= Happens

There are many stories told on faith and perseverance, but this one is special. God takes time to explain things to the man who is discouraged. And what a lesson He teaches! As we learn to persevere in faith, let our children learn from us. There will be many times when we and our children will be tested.

74) Teach children lessons using stories - A Child's Love

2010-05-19T13:35:00.005+08:00

"Children are the only earthly possessions we can take with us to heaven."
Robert C. Savage

Bailey's Jesus

God recently allowed me to see Jesus through the eyes of someone seeing Him for the first time. Having the advantage of knowing how the story ends, we can easily forget the cost of our redemption and the love of our Savior.

Every year we attend a local church pageant at Christmas time, which tells the story of Jesus from His birth through His resurrection. It is a spectacular event, with live animals and hundreds of cast members in realistic costumes. The magi enter the huge auditorium on llamas from the rear, descending the steps in pomp and majesty. Roman soldiers look huge and menacing in their costumes and makeup.

Of all the years we have attended, one stands out indelibly in my heart. It was the year we took our then three-year-old granddaughter, Bailey, who loves Jesus. She was mesmerized throughout the entire play, not just watching, but involved as if she were a player. She watches as Joseph and Mary travel to the Inn and is thrilled when she sees the baby Jesus in His mother's arms. When Jesus, on a young donkey, descends the steps from the back of the auditorium, depicting His triumphal entry into Jerusalem , Bailey was ecstatic. As he neared our aisle, Bailey began jumping up and down, screaming, "Jesus, Jesus! There's Jesus!" Not just saying the words but exclaiming them with every fiber of her being. She alternated between screaming his name and hugging us. "It's Jesus. Look!" I thought she might actually pass out. Tears filled my eyes as I looked at Jesus through the eyes of a child in love with Him, seeing Him for the first time. How like the blind beggar screaming out in reckless abandon, "Jesus, Jesus!", afraid he might miss Him, not caring what others thought(Mark 10:46-52). This was so much fun.

Then came the arrest scene. On stage, the soldiers shoved and slapped Jesus as they moved Him from the Garden of Gethsemane to Pilate. Bailey responded as if she were in the crowd of women, with terror and anger. "Stop it!" she screamed. "Bad soldiers, stop it!" As I watched her reaction, I wished we had talked to her before the play. "Bailey it's OK. They are just pretending.""They are hurting Jesus! Stop it!" She stood in her seat reacting to each and every move. People around us at first smiled at her reaction, thinking "How cute!". Then they quit smiling and began watching her watch Him. In a most powerful scene, the soldiers lead Jesus carrying the cross down the steps of the auditorium from the back They were yelling, whipping, and cursing at Jesus, who was bloodied and beaten. Bailey was now hysterical. "Stop it! Soldiers! Stop it," she screamed. She must have been wondering why all these people did nothing. She then began to cry instead of scream. "Jesus, Oh, Jesus!" People all around us began to weep as we all watch this devoted little disciple see her Jesus beaten and killed as those first century disciples had.
Going back and forth between her mother's lap and mine for comfort, she was distraught. I kept saying, "Bailey, it's OK. Jesus is going to be OK. These are just people pretending to be soldiers". She looked at me like I was crazy. In my lap, we talked through the cross and burial. "Watch, Bailey, watch for Jesus!"

The tomb began to tremble and lightening flashed as the stone rolled away. A Super Bowl touchdown cheer couldn't come close to matching this little one's reaction to the resurrection. "Jesus! He's OK. Mommy, it's Jesus!" I prayed that she wasn't going to be traumatized by this event, but that she would remember it. I shall never forget it. I shall never forget seeing Jesus' suffering, crucifixion, and resurrection through the eyes of an innocent child.

Following the pageant the actors all assembled in the foyer to be greeted by the audience. As we passed by some of the soldiers Bailey screamed out, "Bad soldier, don't you hurt Jesus." The actor who portrayed Jesus was some distance away surrounded by well-wishers and friends. Bailey broke away from us and ran toward him, wrapping herself around his legs, holding on for dear life. He hugged her and said, "Jesus loves you." He patted her to go away. She wouldn't let go. She kept clinging to Him, laughing and calling His name. She wasn't about to let go of her Jesus.

I think God in heaven stopped what ever was going on that day and made all the angels watch Bailey. "Now, look there! You see what I meant when I said, 'Of such is the kingdom of heaven?'"

Bailey's reaction should be our reaction every day. When we think of Him, who He is, what He did for us, and what He offers us, we have to say, how can we do anything less than worship Him?
(This is not my story, but the story told by Bailey's grandfather.)

What can I add to such a story? I only wish our children would see the Lord the way little Bailey did!

73) Teach children lessons using stories - A debt too big to repay

2010-05-12T15:28:00.009+08:00

"My mother was a saintly woman. I owe everything to her." Lyndon B. Johnson

Recently, one of the Dailies reproduced the story of a young man and his mother. Here is an adapted version of the story, as told by the son.

My mom who had only one eye, cooked for students and teachers to support the family. I hated her because she was such an embarrassment to me when my classmates laughed at her one eye. One day, I was so angry that I shouted at her: "If you are going to make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?" My mom did not say a word. I was oblivious of her feelings. I just wanted her out of my life. When I got old enough I left home for Singapore. Later, I married, bought my own home and had kids. I was happy with my life.

One morning, without notice, my mother appeared at my door. Until then she had kept away, although she had not seen me for many years and had not met her grandchildren. As she stood at the door, my children laughed at her and I yelled at her for coming to my home, uninvited. She left quietly.

Sometime later, I attended the School Reunion at my home town. After that, out of curiosity, I went to the old shack, which used to be my childhood home. The neighbors told me that my mother died a few days ago. I did not shed a tear until they gave me a letter, addressed to me, that she had left with them. The letter read:

"My dearest son,
I think of you all the time. I'm sorry I came to Singapore and scared your children. I was so glad when I heard that you were coming for the School Reunion. But I may not be able to get off my bed to meet you.
I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up. You see, when you were very little, you got into an accident and lost an eye. As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So, I gave you mine. I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, with that eye.
With much love, Your Mother.

Once we have told our children this story and made sure that they have understood what it really meant, we could ask them a few questions, to get their thoughts on the story.
1) Did the mother do right by donating her eye to her son?
2) Should she have told her son about her sacrifice?
3) Even when her son scolded her, she did not speak up. Was that right?
4) Do they know of any children who treat their parents badly?
5) What do they think of such children?
6) With this story, would they find the courage to speak to children who disrespect
their parents?

72 ) Teach children lessons using stories - Reaching Out

2010-05-05T12:36:00.006+08:00

"Taught by time, my heart has learned to glow,
For others' good and weep at others' woe." Homer.

In a letter to the Editor, The Straits Times, Singapore, an Australian doctor recounts his experience.
"Flying from New Delhi to Singapore, a fellow passenger relieved me of all my money and my iPod, in the confusion of disembarkation. This letter is to thank those people who helped a complete stranger that day.
1) The young employee of Singapore Airlines who drew money from his personal account so that I could catch a taxi to the Australian High Commission.
2) The couple renewing their passports in the Consular Office, who gave me what little cash they had.
3) Finally, the family who took me home, gave me lunch and dinner, took me sight-seeing, allowed me to shower, and never asked for anything in return.
Dr Shawn Jessep."

The letter tugs at our heart strings. In a world enveloped in dark selfishness, a few lights of selflessness still burn. It only goes to prove that there is goodness in people.

The story begs a question: What would we have done if Dr Shawn Jessep told us of his dire predicament? Would we have politely nodded and walked away, or acted the way some of his benefactors did? The question is not easily answered. The answer would depend on our attitude to strangers. Are we wary of strangers? Or, are we willing to concede that all strangers are not con men? How do we tell the difference between the genuine and false? Very difficult. But a thought is worth considering: Suppose we were in the position of the doctor, would we expect people to help us?

It is the same dilemma for our children. We warn them to be watchful of adult strangers. Sadly, they extend the warning to cover children they do not know. Instead of being silk, they are sandpaper with children who are not in their circle; coarse and sometimes rude. Our unfriendly behavior with neighbors and acquaintances, from whom we do not expect to gain, is copied by our children. Don't we worry that our children will stand isolated one day?

71) Teach children lessons using stories - Learning Humility.

2010-04-28T16:53:00.005+08:00

"Make me thy fuel, flame of God." Amy Carmichael.

Gertrude Mueller Nelson, in her book, Here all dwell free, writes of a woman who broke both her arms, tripping over a dog. The woman describes how miserable and humiliated she feels at being totally dependent on others: "Can you imagine what it feels like to need my husband and my daughter to put on all my clothes; to need my husband to wipe my bottom? This is total reduction. But the most important thing I learned was how to be still!"

Being self-reliant is good. But being cocky in our sense of independence can lead to needless grief. We imagine that we are young, healthy, wealthy and intellectually superior. We need nothing and nobody. We can manage very well on our own. Then it happens, as in the case of the woman in the story: an accident, prolonged illness, financial losses, failing memory and weakening faculties. We are brought down on our knees. Suddenly we become helpless. From independence, we sink to dependence. We feel the pain of a crushing blow to body and spirit. In bed we lie vanquished and rue our proud and defiant ways.

Do we stay vanquished or rise from a seeming disaster to accept help gratefully? Do we turn to God in humility and accept our vulnerability, weakness and brokenness? The longer we resent the predicament, the more we suffer. Like the woman in the story, do we learn to remain still and let God work His wonders through helping hands around us? With good reason Maywood sang: "What are we without a helping hand?"
It is time that we and our children learned that giving generously and accepting graciously are two sides of the same coin.

Our children could face problems in their young lives and need help, just when they believe that they are invincible. Being top of the class, having a fan-following on the field, blessed with looks to turn heads and a tongue that is praised by admirers, they could have the world at their feet. 'Special kid! Wonder kid!' could be chants that fill their ears. Suddenly things go wrong and the child is confined to bed and imprisoned in a room, at the mercy of others. Will the child cope, accepting support and sustenance from others? Much will depend on how we teach the child to cope, and not feed on self-pity and despair.

A school in Chicago that was under threat of closure, sported a banner which read:
"Lord don't move our mountain; just give us the strength to climb".

70 ) Teach children lessons using stories - Our True Selves

2010-04-21T12:52:00.006+08:00

" For it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks." Luke 6:45

The Preacher placed two identical jars on the table. Then he quoted a verse from Scripture: " The Lord does not see as mortals see; they look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart " (1:Samuel 16:7). With that, he continued his demonstration. He explained that the jars were made at the same factory, were of the same material and held the same volume. Though identical, they were different because of what each held. To prove his point, he inverted the jars. Out of one flowed honey; out of the second flowed vinegar. Then he gave his audience the lesson. When the jars were upright, he said, they looked identical. Only when they were turned over (upset), did we know what was in each. He went on to draw an inference. It is the same with us, he deduced. When everything goes to our liking, we are on our best behaviour. We stand upright. But when things go wrong, when we are 'upset', what is in us comes out. Then our sophisticated or apparently calm exterior is convulsed. We become angry and violent. That is when our true selves are exposed. The masks fall off.

How do our children behave when they are 'upset'? It would largely depend on how we behave in similar situations. Surely, they learn from us. Does the honey of patience and forgiveness flow out, or the vinegar of anger and sour words? Is the Lord happy with what He sees?

To change our children for the better, we have to change ourselves first.

69 ) Teach children lessons using stories- Turning the other cheek

2010-04-14T13:26:00.009+08:00

"But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also." Matt.5:39

Apartheid in South Africa was a blot on human history. Crime bred crime, like rats multiplying in a sewerage. In the name of racial superiority, the whites unleashed a reign of terror to oppress the blacks and crush any attempt they made to gain even a semblance of freedom. The blacks reeked revenge, but found small opportunity to carry out their plots for fear of harsh reprisals. In those times, only hate flowed like pus from a lanced boil; and the stench was nauseating. But a black woman, acting differently, showed that the flow of hate could be stemmed.

She and her two young children were walking down a street when a white man, who was walking passed the three, stopped and spat at her. Wiping her face, and with no trace of hate in her tone, she said: "Thank you, Sir. Now for the children". Hearing her totally unexpected response, the white man stood motionless and nonplussed. He did not know how to react to a woman who did not return an insult for an insult.

Do our children trade insults? Or, are they taught to be compassionate and forgiving? If they return insult for insult, they are no better than the one who started the quarrel; in no way superior to the child who is not trained well at home.
On the contrary, if they are taught to return kindness when unkindness is shown to them, they will be teaching other children silent lessons that they missed in their homes. The nonplussed ones will secretly admire our courageous children who refuse to go the tit-for-tat way.

68) Teach children lessons using stories - Sowing Seeds

2010-04-07T13:33:00.006+08:00

"You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you." John Wooden

The Pakistani Taxi Driver who was featured in the last post, will not go away without telling our children one more story and teaching them one more lesson.

As he drove down a street, he noticed a homeless man on the kerb. The taxi driver invited the man into his cab and drove him to a wholesale street, where he bought him a case of umbrellas for $20. He told the man to sell the umbrellas at $5 each, as he let him get off the cab. That afternoon it rained heavily and the man sold all the umbrellas in the case. When he met the taxi driver after a few days, he tried to return $20 to him. But the taxi driver would not accept the money. Instead, he urged the man to trade in other goods and make some money."If I take the money back, you will go back to your old ways. If you owe me money, you will continue to work", he reasoned; and added in jest: "You may pay me back in the next world".

Some men teach without the vehemence of righteousness, without the strife of arguments and without the skill of preachers. They perform quietly and move on. The taxi driver belongs to that tribe. We can only pray that his tribe increase and that our children are wise enough to learn from people like him.

"---for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me----" Matt.25:35-36

67 ) Teach Children Lessons Using Stories - Through Eyes of compassion

2010-03-30T12:50:00.005+08:00

"Change your thoughts and you change your world." Norman Vincent Peale

A man entered the cab of a Pakistani taxi driver in the USA, posing as a passenger. In moments he pointed a gun at the taxi driver and in a snarl demanded all the money he had. Turning his eyes away from the road, the taxi driver looked at the man and in a compassionate voice replied: "Here, take all my money. You must need it more than I do. I have a cab and can make money. But you can't. So, take it". The man grabbed the money. Then, looking bewildered, he hit his head three times with the gun and incoherently muttered: "You wake me up, man. You wake me up". For a while he sat thinking, as the taxi driver continued to drive. Repeatedly nodding his head, he shoved the gun into his pocket, threw the money on the seat and got out of the cab at the next red traffic signal. He took nothing.

What lessons should our children learn from this story?
1) That some angry and violent people wilt in the warmth of compassion. Perhaps the man with the gun succeeded in relieving other taxi drivers of their money, through angry threats and violence. But here was one who was unafraid of a gun because he was armed with compassion. He saw the plight of a desperate man who used violent ways to pluck money out of timid hands. He chose to respond differently. His readiness to give all he had, and the way he rationalized his action confused and troubled the gunman. Never before had this man come face to face with Compassion. He was felled by a feather. He could not take money from one who did not resist; one who yielded willingly; one who put the other man's need above his own.
2) That such heroic acts stir even hardened criminals. Such acts help change the way these criminals think. "You wake me up", were the words of a man who once had good thoughts. Now those good thoughts slumbered. The taxi driver's good deed roused those drowsy good thoughts and he responded in a changed way. Our children should know that no one is lost. That no one should be put out of reach of their compassion. That a turn around could be just a corner away.

"I say to you, love your enemies." Matt.5:44.

66) Do our children pray with faith?

2010-03-22T14:47:00.005+08:00

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6.

Helen Roseveare, a doctor from England, working in Zaire among the poor and destitute reports:

"One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but, in spite of all we could do, she died leaving us with a tiny premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator. (We had no electricity to run an incubator.) We also had no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly, in distress, to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst. Rubber perishes easily in tropical climates. "And it is our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed. As in the West it is no good crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways. "All right," I said, "put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts. "Your job is to keep the baby warm." The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby.

I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle. The baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died. During the prayer time, one ten year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, God," she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow,God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon." While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added by way of a corollary, "And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she'll know You really love her?" As often with the prayers of children,I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say, "Amen?" I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything. The Bible says so. But there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from the homeland.

I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator! Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there, at the front door was a large twenty-two pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas - that would make a nice batch of buns for the weekend. Then,as I put my hand in again, I felt the.....could it really be? I grasped it and pulled it out - yes, a brand-new, rubber hot water bottle! I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly, too!" Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted. Looking up at me, she asked: "Can I go over with you, Mummy, and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?" That parcel had been on the way for five whole months. Packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it "that afternoon."

"Before they call, I will answer!" Isaiah 65:24" Our God really IS..AN AWESOME GOD.

Julia Cameron got it right when she wrote: "Leap and the net will appear".

65) Do our children make such sacrifices?

2010-03-10T15:13:00.003+08:00

" Almost everything we do is insignificant. But it is very important that we do it."
Mahatma Gandhi.

"57 Cents That Made History"

A sobbing little girl stood near a small Church from which she had been turned away because it 'was too crowded'. "I can't go to Sunday School," she sobbed to the pastor as he walked by. Seeing her shabby, unkempt appearance, the pastor guessed the reason and, taking her by the hand, took her inside and found a place for her in the Sunday School class. The child was so touched that she went to bed that night thinking of the children who have no place to worship Jesus. Some two years later, this child lay dead in one of the poor tenement buildings and the parents called for the kind pastor, who had befriended their daughter, to handle the final arrangements. As her poor little body was being moved, a worn and crumpled purse was found which seemed to have been rummaged from some trash dump. Inside was found 57 cents and a note scribbled in childish handwriting which read, "This is to help build the little Church bigger so more children can go to Sunday school." For two years she had saved for this offering of love. When the pastor tearfully read that note, he knew instantly what he would do. Carrying this note and the cracked, red pocketbook to the pulpit, he told the story of her unselfish love and devotion. He challenged his deacons to get busy and raise enough money for the larger building.

But the story does not end there! A newspaper learned of the story and published it. It was read by a Realtor who offered them a parcel of land worth many thousands. When told that the Church could not pay so much, he offered it for a 57 cent payment. Church members made large subscriptions. Checks came from far and wide. Within five years the little girl's gift had increased to $250,000.00 a huge sum for that time (near the turn of the century).

Her unselfish love had paid large dividends. When you are in the city of Philadelphia , look up Temple Baptist Church , with a seating capacity of 3,300, and Temple University , where hundreds of students are trained. Have a look, too, at the Good Samaritan Hospital and at a Sunday School building which houses hundreds of Sunday scholars, so that no child in the area will ever need to be left outside at Sunday school time. In one of the rooms of this building may be seen the picture of the sweet face of the little girl whose 57 cents, so sacrificially saved, made such remarkable history. Alongside of it is a portrait of her kind pastor.

64) Vacation

2009-12-01T12:53:00.003+08:00

For three months, I shall be out of town, on vacation. I shall resume posts on this blog when I return.
Before I sign out for now, let me wish visitors to the blog, a blessed and peace-filled Christmas and an eventful 2010. Have a great year! May your dreams come true!
And may your children bring you much joy!
God bless.

Ignatius Fernandez.

63) Unsung Heroes (3)

2009-11-11T11:08:00.007+08:00

"It is a peg big enough on which to hang a hope, for every child born into this world, is an ever fresh and radiant possibility." Kate Douglas Wiggin

Some children light a fire by their deeds and let others bask in its warmth.

1) The Pastor and his eleven year old son made the rounds in their town, distributing Gospel Literature, every Sunday afternoon. One Sunday it was very cold and raining heavily - not the time to step out. But the boy was dressed and ready. The Pastor was reluctant, because of the bad weather. Eager to do what he did every Sunday, the boy begged his father to let him do the rounds alone. For two hours he roamed the streets distributing Gospel Tracts. Now he was completely wet and cold to the bone. With the streets deserted, he wondered to whom he would give the last copy. On an impulse, he decided to knock on the first door he saw. He knocked and rang the door bell. No one answered. Perhaps there was no one at home, he figured, and wanted to leave. Something told him to try again. He kept knocking the door and ringing the bell, until an old lady opened the door. He gave her the last Gospel Tract and a message that Jesus loved her.

The next Sunday, at Church, an old lady stood up to give testimony. She began by saying that she had not been to that Church before. Then she narrated her story. Her husband died leaving her all alone. She felt desperate and unwanted. There was much sadness in her heart. To put an end to it, she decided to put an end to her life. So, she went up to the attic, wanting to hang herself. That was when she heard the incessant knocking on the door and ringing of the door bell. She wondered who it could be, since no one visited her. Reluctantly, she came down to check. At the door she saw a sweet little boy with an angelic smile telling her that Jesus loved her. After he left, she read every word of the Gospel Tract, which the boy gave her. Slowly she made her way up to the attic and took down the rope she put up a few minutes ago, to hang herself. Now she would not need it. She decided to live because Jesus loved her; Jesus cared, she was sure. There was not a dry eye in the Church as the old lady completed her testimony. The Pastor's tears did not go unnoticed - he was holding his son in a tight embrace and weeping uncontrollably.
Some children become heroes, without wanting to be so.

2) Chen Gaonian, in China, was only 12 in 1984, when his mother was afflicted with Myelitis (inflammation of the spinal chord). Even with school and chores at home, he made time to care for his ailing mother. He has been doing that ever since she fell ill. Now, married, and father of a boy, he understands filial duties better. Living in the same town, but at a little distance from his mother's home, he visits her three times a week to give her massages and to comfort her in her pain. Doctors maintain, that it is the son's love and care that kept the mother in better health and alive, all these years. He was given the 'Star of Filial Piety and Respect for the Elderly' Award, by the Government in 2006. He prefers to remain unsung, caring for his beloved mother.

62) Unsung Heroes (2)

2009-10-28T11:50:00.004+08:00

"If you follow the steps of your father, you learn to walk like him." West African Proverb

Fathers have stout hearts, which have to be broken sometimes to know what is inside. The short stories that follow let us peep into those hearts, through the broken pieces.

1) Alan Redpath, former Pastor of Moody Memorial Church, tells of the time when there was tension at home and hot words were exchanged. But as they sat at dinner, his father looked across at his wife and said: "I'm sorry I spoke to you the way I did. I'm ashamed of myself". The meal ended quietly. In the night, Alan knelt in prayer and begged God to make him the man his father was: "O God, I thank thee for a father like that. Make me more like him.

John Nicholson explains why fathers do the things they do: "The quality of a child's relationship with his or her father seems to be the most important influence in deciding how that person will react to the world". That could have been the reason Alan's father swallowed his pride before he swallowed his food, to apologize to his wife and set an example to his children. Only strong men apologize; and fathers have to be strong.

2) Rick was a born paraplegic. Once he told his father, Dick Hoyt, that he would like to participate in a 5 mile race. Promptly his father agreed. He made the boy sit in a wheelchair and pushed him the entire 5 miles. After that, Rick wished to take part in more races - the thrill had got to him. His father who was not an athlete, had to practise running and swimming for many hours to be fit for the races. In one race, the Ironman (the most difficult triathlon), Dick swam with Rick in tow for 4 kilometres in the ocean, then cycled for 180 kilometres, with his son on the cycle, and ended the race with a 42 kilometres marathon, carrying his son. The total distance Dick covered in that race, was 226 kilometres. The pair took part in many races, although it was not easy for Dick to push, run, cycle and swim with his boy attached to him, all through the race. During one such race Dick suffered a heart attack. Thankfully, he recovered. Asked why he kept doing what seemed impossible, he replied: "I run only because of my son". That was one way he showed his son that he loved him. He was prepared to do anything for his son, even with a broken heart. It is amazing how much a father's love can achieve.

61) Unsung Heros (1)

2009-10-07T12:16:00.004+08:00

"I will always be there for you. I hope you know." Helen M.Exley

There are many stories told of a mother's love. Here are two.

1) An uneducated 46 year old Malaysian mother shows us how to cheerfully embrace the parenting vocation. Widowed 10 years ago, she raised her two children with an unshaken resolve. Her 24 year old daughter graduated from university recently. She hopes that her 14 year old son will also graduate, in time. Doing a cleaning job in an Institution, she works on shifts from 7-30AM to 11-30PM, and on alternate days, from 7-30AM to 3-30PM, not availing of holidays, to earn overtime wages. To save money for her children she walks to work, instead of boarding a bus or local train. As she recovers from breast-cancer-surgery, she speaks of her attitude to life. It is not the problems of life that matter, but how we react to them, she muses. If you look at a situation as a problem, she reasons, it will assume the dimensions of one. Rather, if you look at it as an opportunity, you will find avenues, she assures us. Cheerfully, she adds, that she has no demands or complaints. She is at peace, happy and encouraged by good friends. For a woman who has not been to school, she packs much wisdom into her words.

2) A 5 month old premature daughter with malformed limbs tests her mother's love. The mother does not fail. The daughter is now 16 and does not stop praising her mother. What would have happened to her, without her mother? She shudders at the question. Tending to every need, because she could not help herself, her mother cared for her through every doctor visit, every surgery and every ordeal for 16 years. Now she moves around like a normal person. Grieving for the sacrifices her mother made, she admits that things were extremely tough with financial stress compounding their woes, after her father deserted the family. But her mother would not let that come in the way of medical attention her daughter needed. She juggled part time jobs with full time nursing of a helpless child.

60) Never Ending

2009-09-14T10:59:00.004+08:00

Old movies end with the words 'The End'. I have watched many movies with those familiar words. As an old-timer, wistful memories come back of a time that will never return. Memories come back also of February 23, 2009, when I started this blog. It took on the dimensions of a huge challenge, as I set out to write each post. With time(seven months), the dimensions changed and I felt more at ease. After post 59 I felt relieved. It seemed as though I had climbed a mountain and was on my way down; doing the easy part.

I have captioned this post 'Never ending'. I have some reasons for doing that. Active parenting stops with the death of the parent, but memories inspire the children even after Eternal Life has claimed another prize. Parenting, as a subject, is never finished. Since every child is unique and every situation different, the multi-faced diamond, we call parenting, continues to dazzle, and we are struck with its never ending brilliance. Your parenting experience will be different from the experience your parents had. It is the uniqueness that makes parenting an exciting journey. Then, there is the part of practice - practising what the blog advocates. And practice, as we all know goes on and on.

An area that I have not addressed is the parenting of children with special needs - those challenged in one way or other. I have neither the knowledge nor experience to offer any thoughts on this key area. I appeal to parents who have such a situation, to seek expert help and not adopt means and methods suggested by well-meaning but poorly informed folks.

When you revisit the blog, you may find points leaping off the monitor to touch you - something that did not happen the first time you read the post. Stop and take note, for the sake of your children. When you like what you have read, please tell your friends. The whole purpose of starting this blog was to reach out to parents who could do with a little help. As I wrote the blog, thoughts rushed into my mind, but ran out like frightened cattle. I had to lasso them and confine them to the safety of the blog. That was not easy. I owe it to God that most of the experiences my wife, Mabel and I had in parenting and my reflections, found a place in the 60 posts.
I praise and thank my Lord and Master, Jesus.

I would like to close this post with the words of Mary Crowley: "God does not take time to make a nobody". Let your children grow up with the belief that they are special, because God planned it so.

My son, Leo, created the blog for me; formatting it and helping me edit it, when necessary. My daughter, Teresa, actively supported him. My wife, Mabel, with unmatched keenness, checked every post for content, sentence construction and punctuation. She has a remarkable skill for copy-editing and proof-reading. My other children enthusiastically support my initiative. I am deeply grateful to all of them.

Thank you for staying the course with me. I do appreciate your support. God bless you and your family.

NOTE: Until now, every week I put up two posts. That phase is over. After this, I shall write for the blog, now and again, to share some stories that reinforce the points already made.

58) The Parenting Journey

2009-09-07T11:02:00.005+08:00

"We are loved not because we are good. We are good because we are loved." Desmond Tutu

The sooner we discern the wisdom in the Archbishop's words, the better. Children turn out good, not because of the things or riches we give them, but because of the unconditional love we give them. Parenting is all about loving children without taking time off, and expressing that love in more than a hundred ways - through example,wise instructions and discipline; by building self-worth and inculcating good practices in them; by shepherding them through difficult phases in their lives and letting go of them, when they can manage life on their own. With great wisdom, Hodding Carter wrote:"There are two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other is wings". When they have sprouted wings, they should learn to fly and not be nest-bound. The whole thing is epitomized in our lives. The lives we lead will largely determine the kind of lives our children will follow.

When we have stuck to the code, our children will develope some sterling virtues.
1) CHARITY: They will have a loving, helpful and forgiving disposition.
2) PRUDENCE: They will be guided by sound principles, and live fearlessly.
3) JUSTICE: They will be fair and defend the truth, even when tempted with riches.
4) FORTITUDE: They will endure hardships for a just cause, without complaining.
5) TEMPERANCE: They will live disciplined and regulated lives.
Since they are enriched by these virtues, they will hold us in high esteem, trust us, share our concerns and be emotionally close. Because they are genuine, these qualities will find scope and expression outside the immediate family. The Golden Rule will be part of their code. By living such lives, children will bestow on parents awards that surpass public recognition.

When all is said and done, what kind of a family are we left with? A healthy family, with a strong sense of oneness; rich in tradition; where respect, responsibility, praise and forgiveness are woven into the family fabric; where success and the lack of it, are accepted with composure; where a sense of fun keeps the family in good spirits; where each one pursues his or her own special interest, supported by the rest of the family; where frequent and purposeful communication keep the links in place; where time spent with one another is valued; where faith in God is the anchor;
and where trust in one another is silently and strongly built.

A.J.Cronin, in his book, Adventures in Two Worlds, extols the virtues of a nurse, who through selfless service gained the respect of her patients. With such splendid performance, he finds it difficult to understand why she is underpaid. A gross injustice, he thinks. But the nurse's response, which spoke of her purpose in life, had him admire her all the more. She said: "If God knows I'm worth it, that's all that matters to me". When we can say that, we would have travelled well on our parenting journey.

57) Problem Situations (continued)

2009-09-03T11:10:00.006+08:00

THE TRUTH ABOUT DEATH

"People have not learned to live, who have not learned to die." Jim Elliot

Kisa Gotami, the wife of a rich man, was the mother of a fine-looking little boy, whom she loved dearly. He fell ill and died. Carrying the limp body of her beloved son, she went from person to person begging for help. Would someone do something to bring back her son to life? A kind person suggested that she meet The Budha. Patiently listening to her tale of sorrow, The Budha told her to fetch a mustard seed. But he placed a condition on the errand - the mustard seed had to be obtained from a house that had not known death. The hopeful mother went from door to door. Not one house could help her, because Death had visited every one of them. After much pleading and some thinking, she returned to The Budha, a reconciled woman. She learned that no one escaped death; not even children. In a way, confirming Gotami's finding, Jim Elliot, the Christian Missionary, preaching at funeral of his own young son, said: "God is not populating heaven, just with old men". Children also figure in God's plan.

Grandparents die; parents die; children die. How do we react? Are we devastated by the loss? Do we find it impossible to walk away from the ruins of a world that crashes around us? When we view death as a disaster, our children also will be at odds with it. However, if we have the good sense and courage to come to terms with death, our children will live without a morbid fear of it. So far we taught our children how to live; now, we shall teach them how to face death with equanimity.

Strickland Gillilan tells the story of a man and his much loved daughter, who died.
In a dream the man sees a procession of children before the Throne of God. Their candles are burning bright. Only one child has a problem keeping her candle burning.
He looks hard and finds that the child is his daughter. He rushes to her to find out why she has trouble with her candle. She says that her attempts to keep the candle burning are doused by his tears. The man wakes up in a sweat. He realizes that it was only a dream, but pledges immediately not to waste his life in tears. To lift the pall of sadness that death lets fall on people, expressions like, 'the king is dead; long live the king', and,'the show must go on', were coined. They state the case in a matter-of-fact way. Steve Jobs, who had more than one close encounter with Death, conveys the same thought in a more acceptable way: "When I was seventeen, I read a quote that went something like this, 'if you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll certainly be right'. It made an impression on me, and since then
I have looked into the mirror every morning and asked myself, 'if today were the last of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do?' And when the answer has been 'no' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked".

In the context of Steve Job's reflection, we can conclude with Douglas MacArthur: "Only those are fit to live, who are not afraid to die". Philip, father of Alexander the Great, had a peculiar way of reminding himself of death. A servant at the Palace faced him every morning with the greeting: "Philip, remember that you must die". We do not have to go to such lengths to remind ourselves that death is certain. All we need to understand is the truth - death is the beginning of eternal life. Most religions teach that there is life after death. When we are convinced of the eternal life to follow the short life here, our priorities could change. Our way of life could be different.

Not many moths ago, a plane from Brazil to France crashed into the Atlantic Ocean. There were no survivors. A few weeks later, a Yemeni Airbus flight with 153 on board crashed into the Indian Ocean. Only one girl, in her teens, survived. Should she not ask herself: "Why did I survive? Is there a purpose in the rest of my life?" In truth, we all have to ask ourselves a question every morning: "Why am I alive today,
when so many who went to bed yesterday have not been given the gift of a new day? What do I have to do today that will make a difference?" The more we understand the gift of life, the less we will fear its end. The more fruitful our lives, the greater the satisfaction in living it. When it ends, after a short or long term, we can say with eternal gratitude: "I thank God for a full and happy life".

Instead of doing that, we busy ourselves chasing wealth, power, fame and possessions. We carry on this hunt at the cost of others, smug in the accumulation that we can count. But when death comes knocking, we cannot conceal a thing in our hands. We will have to go empty handed. Aware of this truth, Alexander the Great left orders that when he would be carried on his last journey, his empty hands would stick out. None of his conquests would go with him.

There is a ring of finality to the words of Saint Teresa of Avila(Spain): "Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing frighten you. Everything passes except God".

56) PREPARING CHILDREN FOR WORK LIFE

2009-09-01T11:06:00.007+08:00

"Work is the keystone of a perfect life. Work and trust in God." Woodrow Wilson

R.G.Tourneau, inventor and philanthropist, was once asked, when a child should start work. He replied that a child could start at the age of three. Rejecting the view that it would be seen as child labour, danger to the child's health and the curtailing of a child's play time, he said: "If anyone does not learn to work as a child, he will never do much when he grows up". He cited his own childhood, when he learned to saw wood and shovel sand. "I do not know what it means to lose a day through sickness", he continued, defending the point that the child's health would not be harmed, through work. For good measure, he added: "I think that, almost without exception, the ones who get things done are those who learned to work as children. We need to teach our youngsters the dignity of labour and the pleasure of accomplishment. They must be made to understand that only by determined effort do we create things worthwhile. Not only does our work keep us from mischief, but the more we sweat and toil, the bigger the kick we get out of our labour".

Thomas Alva Edison, who got his early education from his mother, has a few lessons for children:
01) Always be interested in what you undertake.
02) Don't mind the clock; but keep at the task.
03) Failures, so called, are finger posts; pointing in the right direction to those who are willing to learn.
04) Hard work and a genuine interest in everything that makes for progress, will make men and women more valuable and acceptable to themselves and to the world.

The intangible benefits of work, which Edison stated, are packed into John Ruskin's pithy conclusion: "The highest reward for a man's toil is not what he gets for it,
but what he becomes by it". Better persons, we presume, is what he had in mind.

To Edison's list of points, what shall we add?
05) Children should realize that there is no perfect job. They will have to learn to like imperfect jobs, because they cannot wait for the perfect job to arrive. Coming to terms with reality, they could strive to contribute successfully to the job they take.
06) That the essence of hard work is concentration; to put heart and soul into the task.
07) That excellence is attained by hard and unceasing work, which leads to satisfaction.
08) That they should do more than they are paid for.
09) That their work life will test their relationships and character, when they are short changed, denigrated, falsely accused and passed over. The example of Zen Master Hakwin should be a lesson to them. Hakwin was honoured by his neighbours as a good and pure man. Nearby lived a pretty girl, who was found to be pregnant. Her angry parents wanted the name of the man responsible. The girl would not speak. After much pressure she confessed. She accused Hakwin. Furious, her parents stormed Hakwin's house and demanded an explanation. All he said was: "Is that so?" When the baby was born, it was taken to Hakwin's house, who took good care of the child. A year later, the girl could no longer suffer in silence; she divulged the name of the father of the child, a young man from the fish market. Ashamed, the girl's parents rushed to Hakwin's house to apologize. Even then, all he said was: "Is that so?"
Embarrassed, the girl's parents took the child home. Like Hakwin, our children could be falsely accused and let down, even by colleagues. Like Hakwin, they will have to brave the situation, without accusing others and stooping to conquer.
10) Why are live crabs left in an open basket? Certainly none will escape. Why? As one tries to get out, the others will drag it down. The pull-down mentality is common in the work place. When our children are forewarned, they will be forearmed.
11) Failing is not failure. From failing or many failings, they could learn to succeed and not wallow in self-pity.
12) In the work place there is only one dictum: WIN. Win sales, win profits, win market share. Winning is fair as long as the means are not unfair. If ethics, dignity and social norms are flouted, then winning is losing. Our children will do well not to align themselves with such compromises.
13) Ability alone is not enough. They will have to demonstrate loyalty, sincerity,
enthusiasm and co-operation, to succeed in the long term.
14) Their growth and happiness will depend on the relationships they build with those they transact with - in the company and outside of it.
15) The best way to initiate such relationships is to look at things from the other person's point of view. Step into his shoes, so to speak.

55) Problem Situations (continued)

2009-08-31T12:11:00.005+08:00

THE POWER OF CHOICE

Five year old Tina waited for her favoutite uncle James to arrive. Within minutes of his coming, the two ran across the street to her friendly uncle Alex, of the sweet shop. As they crossed the road, James asked Tina why she went to the same shop every time; why not try another? She flatly refused. She explained that Uncle Alex gave her more sweets; the others gave her less. She was fond of one type, in different colours,which was stocked in a glass jar. As she entered the shop, Alex greeted her and James.Tina then placed on the counter, the money James had given her. James closely watched what happened. Alex put some sweets into the pan of the weighing machine. Then he added some more sweets, and still more until the weight was balanced. As they left the shop, Tina looked up at James and said: "See, uncle Alex always gives me more. The others take away". She was referring to the way sweets were weighed. Alex put less into the pan and kept adding; the others put more into the pan, and kept taking away sweets until the weight was balanced. A simple act, perceived differently by the child. There are some lessons for us in this short story. 1) By choosing to go to Alex, and not the other shops, Tina was exercising her power of choice. 2) The child perceives Alex's action in a favourable way, and is happy in her choice. 3) James lets the child exercise her option. He does not demystify the weighing process, playing spoilsport.

Even at a young age, children like to choose. Apples instead of oranges; Pepsi more often than Milo; Tom and Jerry and not Tigger and Pooh. Should we let children make choices, or should we hand down decisions, fearing the wrong choices they will make?
Let us look at some merits in giving them the right to choose. 1) God in His Infinite
Wisdom, has given each of us the gift of free will - the power to choose. The child also has that power. If God could trust her with that power, should we not? Of course, we have the duty to shape that power, in the child. 2) Unless the child is allowed the freedom to choose, how will she learn? No doubt, she will make some mistakes, as we made in our lives. But from those mistakes, she will learn and be more careful in arriving at decisions, as long as she is gently helped to understand the process. 3) If we continue to take decisions for her, what will happen when we are gone? Like a babe in the woods, she will not know her way home. She will be lost.

We would not want that to happen to our child, would we? Therefore, gradually we should give children more and more opportunities to exercise their power of choice;
even during their troubled teens. With more exposure, they will gain confidence.
What a welcome experience it is to watch a confident child grow into a confident adult! Their capacity to decide will be tested in their personal and professional lives. Here are a few such situations.

1) HIGHER LEARNING AND CAREER

At school the choice of courses is not difficult. But at the higher learning level,
especially the professional courses, the decision making is complicated. Several factors come into play, chief of which is the child's aptitude. Some parents enamoured with certain professions, compel children to take up courses that lead to those careers - doctors, civil service, computer specialists, and so on. The child's
preference is discounted or ignored. We ought to remember that it is the child's career which is at stake, not ours. She has every right to state her preference and have it actualized. When parents object, the child is distraught and performs below expectation. This frustration tells on her carrer. Instead of being a successful
Professor, she settles for being s substandard doctor. She will find it difficult to forgive her parents who forced her into an unfulfilling career.

The problem is less severe in affluent Western Societies, where children are freer to choose. In traditional Eastern Societies, parental influence is strong and often counterproductive.

2) SEX EDUCATION

As a father of four sons, it was my duty to instruct my sons on matters of sex - God's gift of pleasure, to be experienced within the confines of married life. I failed and regret my lapse. That my sons passed the difficult phase without succumbing, is proof of God's unseen protection. I appeal to parents to seriously take the duty of instructing their children on matters of sex, to spare themselves guilt and children adverse consequences. Mothers could speak to daughters and fathers to sons. When we fail, children will use their power of choice and acquire knowledge of it from sources that will lend garish colours to the subject. With so much information available on the Net, they are only a button away from indulging their minds with lurid details. Parents who find it difficult to teach this lesson,
may seek the help of trained Counsellors.

3) CHOICE OF PARTNERS

Here again, in Eastern Societies parents play an important role in selecting partners for their children. Compatibility is lower down on their priority list. Instead, family status, wealth, social connections and other considerations figure at the top. In particular, girls suffer from the caprice of parents who view any opposition, as a challenge to their parental authority. It is the child's life; if she is not given the freedom to choose, who else should? Even when parents consent to the daughter's choice, the decision comes across as a compromise and a sacrifice. Something that should be joyous, becomes a test of wills and a bone of contention for life.

54) Problem Situations (continued)

2009-08-25T12:39:00.007+08:00

MANAGING DIFFICULT KIDS
"Every easy choice today, will have its consequences tomorrow." Sister Aloysius in the movie DOUBT

A little girl bought herself a string of artificial pearls with her pocket money. She loved those pearls and wore them always. One night, her daddy asked her: "Do you love me?" "Yes", she replied. "Then give me the pearls", he pleaded. "No daddy", was her immediate reply. "No problem. Daddy loves you", he assured her, as he kissed her good night. The same sequence took place the next two nights. On the following night, with tears she handed over the pearls to her daddy, who took it, and with the other hand gave her a set of real pearls. The child leaped into the outstretched arms of her father, overjoyed.

This touching incident has a few lessons for us. First, there are times when patience, tact and unfailing love, bring about a change of heart in the child, to result in unselfish, better behaviour. Second, the child's development has to be tested from time to time. Will she trust her parents enough to surrender to their requests? Third, the child's trust has to be rewarded, even with token gifts. Often, the child does not know what good will come to her through changed behaviour, and resists. At such times parents should persist and not be put off by the child's stubborn refusal. Parents who want their children to behave well should choose the best parenting options and not the easiest. Most parents face a quandary - they are besieged with doubt. What method will succeed; what option is better? They dither and their doubt consumes them. Then they make easy choices; to avoid the unpleasant.
But the unpleasant will not go away; it will revisit them the next day. With good reason, we are reminded that there are no substitutes for Example, wise Parental Instructions and timely Discipline, to manage all kids, the difficult ones in particular.

At random, we shall take three situations and try to outline the difficult choices we have to make. None of these situations is easy to manage. Not many parents use the same methods. What is important is that options are adjusted to suit the child and the situation, mindful of the presence of siblings who watch every move.

The pre-approach is to breathe deep. When we are faced with such situations we tend to get angry because the child has misbehaved, and disappointed with our failure to correct the child earlier. Now, is not the time for anger, but mature response. Begin by consciously breathing deep. The Indian Yogis practise deep breathing with great success. The Budhists highly recommend deep breathing - attributing to it the power of healing. Medical opinion supports the view that deep breathing relaxes the mind and body. As a bonus, deep breathing is easy and free. It is so crucial to our relaxed state of mind and body, that we could make a habit of it. Deep breathing then becomes an automatic response, when we need it most. Don't stop with deep breathing; pray. Prayer never fails. As parents we imagine that we have things under control, because of our position. Even tiny tots know how foolish parents are in believing that. Children make us dance. They know it. That is why we need God's help
in confronting a situation that seems manageable, but has explosive consequences.
Have no doubt; pray. Pray and deep breathe.

1) STUBBORN AND DEMANDING CHILDREN

The first question is: How did it come to this? If we had disciplined children from the start, demanding behaviour would have no scope. Because we surrendered ground at the start, we find it difficult to recapture it. So, out of anger and frustration, we yell, threaten and beat children. In the early stages, if the child knew what would work, and what would not, today's scene would not have been enacted. Okay. There is no point in stressing on what was not done. Let us see how we can tackle it now.
a) In a calm state of mind take in the situation. Is the child tired, ill or wanting attention? What is her behaviour: crying, screaming, kicking or hitting out? In a few moments she could spend herself; give that option a chance.
b) If the child is young enough, try distracting her with some of her favourite activities.
c) Offer her a choice: red car or blue doll; Milo or milk. A choice tends to draw the child away from her one-track demands.
d) If the child is old enough, strike a deal: You do X and you get Y.
e) Gently lead the child away from the scene, especially if she is trying to impress
visitors at home. Distance from the disputed object helps.
f) Based on the child's age, explain role reversal: "You are mummy and I am you. What will you do if I behave like you are doing now?"
g) If she wants to tune on the TV, Music System and other electrical gadgets, try keeping them out of her reach.
h) When gentle persuasion fails, a smack on the bottom does not. Do not hesitate.

2) WHAT TO DO WHEN CHILDREN DAMAGE THINGS AND MESS UP?

a) Stay calm and assess the damage. What is broken cannot be fixed.
b) Get the child involved in cleaning the mess.
c) If it was an accident, better not harass the child. It could have happened to anyone.
d) If it was a wilful act, disciplinary action should follow. She should know that bad behaviour will not be condoned.
e) If she has a piggy bank into which she deposits her small savings, impose a small fine on her and withdraw money from that bank in her presence.
f) Warn her that a wilful act repeated, would attract sterner disciplining. Make no mistake, children understand such warning, when parents do not make empty threats.

3) WHAT TO DO WHEN THE CHILD STARTS LYING

a) As always, show no stress, but a sense of disappointment. Children who really love their parents hate to see them disappointed.
b) Speak to the child alone; not even in the presence of siblings. Respect her privacy and dignity.
c) Explain to her the consequences of lying. A lie is difficult to hide. If not today, the next week it will be out in the open.
d) Parental example is critical. If we lie and the child knows it, we forfeit our right to correct the child. Certainly she will not take us seriously.
e) Trust the child and extract a promise from her that she will not do it again.
f) Please do not nag the child about her lapse. If she lies again, go over the same exercise, but in a sterner tone and follow that with some form of disciplining.
(Please refer to posts 12 and 13 on disciplining)
g) Praise the child for all kinds of good behaviour. It has manifold benefits. Use it often.
NEWS: The Straits Times, Singapore, of June 29,2009, carried news of a challenging
development in England. Schools are likely to be empowered to proceed against parents for the disruptive behaviour of their children. Fines and imprisonment could follow.

53) Problem Situations (continued)

2009-08-24T12:29:00.007+08:00

In ten posts(16 to 25), we covered some problem situations that parents face. We took a break to touch on other topics. Now, we shall revert to five more situations, as promised in post 26.

BED WETTING

Parents with children who bed wet are a flustered lot, not knowing how to rid their children of the vexing problem. The more they panic, the more the child is distressed, and the more serious the problem becomes. So, lesson number one is NOT TO PANIC, although it must be acknowledged that the problem cannot be wished away.

Here are some facts on bed wetting:
01) It is more common among boys than girls, in the approximate ratio of 3:1.
02) It is estimated that about 20% of children in the 5 and above age group, bed wet.
Usually, the problem could start when the child is about 5, though cases are know when children are embarrassed at a younger age.
03) It is not because of poor toilet training.
04) It happens mostly because the child has not achieved bladder control.
05) It is not a disease.
06) The reasons why it happens in some children and not others, is not clearly established. Only assumptions are made.
07) In such children, the level of Antidiurectic Hormone(ADH), which suppresses urine formation at night, could be low.
08) Deep sleepers find it difficult to wake and empty their bladders.
09) Stress at school, among siblings and in the home, could worsen the problem.
10) Even after the problem is solved, there can be a relapse triggered by death in the family, divorce of the parents, arrival of a new sibling and child abuse.

Children with a bed wetting problem develope low self esteem because of being teased by siblings and peers. It is traumatic for them to be excluded from school camps and over night picnics with classmates. Worried parents scold these children, mistaking their behaviour for defiance or an attention-getting gimmick. Scolding and threatening do not help. Impatient and impulsive parental response distress children,
at a time they most need understanding and support. Parents should know that children will not stoop to lower their own self image, just to frustrate them. Confident of their own children, supportive parents try some of the precautions listed below:

01) Provide a night lamp in the child's bedroom so that he does not have to go the toilet in the dark. To some children darkness is terrifying.
02) Cover his mattress with a plastic sheet, to prevent soiling it.
03) Check if the child is stressed in any way and gently reassure him that his anxiety can be addressed.
04) Work on a reward system for the nights he does not bed wet.
05) Persuade him to delay urinating during the day, so that he gains better bladder control.
06) Limit his liquid intake before bed time.
07) Despite these steps, when he wets his bed and his night clothes, get him involved in the cleaning. He should wash himself and deposit the soiled clothes and sheets in a bucket with water, to soak the soiled items. In the morning, he should join his mother in rinsing the clothes.
08) Huang Huifen, in an informative article on bed wetting in the Straits Times, of July 02, 2009, recommends the use of an Enuresis Alarm. The alarm is set, say for 3AM, when the little fellow responds to the buzz and goes to the toilet. The gadget has a sensor which is attached to the child's undergarments. When the senor detects moisture in the underwear, the alarm goes off, waking the child before he bed wets.

52) Old Parents

2009-08-20T11:44:00.006+08:00

"Honour thy father and thy mother, in order that thy days may be prolonged upon the land which the Lord, thy God, giveth thee." Hebrew version of the fourth commandment.

Since we know the other commandments, we cannot but notice that only the fourth carries a promise. The others just state the commandment. Would that be persuasion enough for children to treat parents with love and respect? Would our children learn from our example and care for us, when we become old and feeble?

Going by reports in the Newspapers, children have not got the message. The Straits Times, Singapore, on June 29,2009, carried a shocking article titled: 'When children hit their parents'. Some of the cases reported were: A son, angry over his father's
refusal to give him money for some of his bad habits, smashed a flower pot on his father's head. Seeing his father bleed, he smashed another flower pot on his head. The 67 year old man needed 7 stitches to close the wounds. On another occasion, the same boy slashed his father with a knife. The Paper reported other cases of children throwing furniture at their old parents and whacking them on their heads with metal hammers. On another date, the same Paper reported a daughter's threat to the care-givers in an old age home, where her old mother was lodged: "I will throw my mother out on the streets, if you discharge her". Perhaps the worst case was reported on another date: In Hyderabad(India), a rich family dispatched their 75 year old mother, suffering from Cancer, but still alive, to the crematorium. Fortunately, the staff at the crematorium noticed the body stir and took action.

Why do grown children, who have their own growing children, turn bitter, hostile and merciless in relating with old parents? Why do they forget the years when parents did not avoid broken glass? Instead, with bleeding feet, they made more sacrifices.
(Barefoot, a frail mother carried her ailing 10 year old son on her back over a five
mile trek across hill and valley to a Medical Centre, and carried him back, to reach home before sunset. Ten years down the line, as a strong young man would he carry his
sick feeble mother? One wonders.) Don't they realize that in time, Wrinkled Age with her gnarled fingers will touch them? And that a time would come when they would be physically and perhaps financially dependent on their children? Then, could they expect kindness from children who saw their grandparents mistreated?

Some children exploit old parents because they are feeble and defenseless, taking away even the little money they have, like a son in China, who depriving his mother of 2,70,000 yuan, dumped her. Retribution caught up with him when he was jailed for 18 months for his heinous crime. Other children derive sadistic pleasure in reducing
parents to their second childhood, before they turn senile, denying them the right to
make decisions for themselves. By doing that, children take away the residual dignity
and self-respect, parents once had. A few children are amused at the foibles of old parents and make jokes at their expense. They try to outsmart parents, scoring points
through one-upmanship. Children fail to understand that parents pass through different stages in their long parenting journey - from rigid stances and harsh measures in their youth, to being understanding, compassionate and mellow, with increasing age. Children form impressions and will not change those, even though parents have changed in many ways, through reflection and reform. Parents are put to tasks they loathe and feel unwanted - "a withered branch and a useless trunk, fit only to be cast away". In short, many old parents receive a raw deal from their grown
children, when the cold steel of unkindness is plunged into their hearts. And they bleed in silence.

Of course, there is the flip side of coping with demanding old parents, who are critical, petty and irritable. There is also the real threat that they will not let go of their children. Like the monkeys in the Amazon who put their limbs into narrow-necked bottles, with peanuts in them, and not let go of the nuts, only to be trapped,
so do possessive parents refuse to give up control of their children, only to their detriment. Because of the usurped parental attachment, children and their spouses confront serious problems. When parents accept girls and boys coming into the family through marriage, as daughters and sons, ridding the family of the in-law thinking and expression, much better relationships are fostered, because those entering the family will not feel estranged. But most find the idea distasteful and tension in the family continues. Even such parents who deserve love the least, need it the most. In dealing with them, difficult truth should be wrapped in love. Blessed are the children who understand and live this love.

The Quran exhorts Muslims to respect and honour their parents; so does the Ramayana,
urge Hindus. Rama's words should be etched in the hearts of children: "I would yield
my life and future ere I wound my father's heart". Children have much to learn from these Holy Books, as they have to learn from Jesus' example, in being caring and obedient to his mother right through his short life on earth.

What do old parents expect of their grown children? Not expensive gifts, exotic food, luxuries or big sums of money to spend; but caring, expressed through empathy and protection; not ascribing motives to what they say and do; and acknowledging the treasure of experience they have gathered. If only children listened with their hearts and lifted old parents out of their sadness, on wings of love!

A small segment of children do exactly that - caring for parents with deep respect and love. The gratitude of some of these children is worth recording. Thiery Henry,
French Football Striker, says: "I am who I am, thanks to my father. I saw very hard times in my childhood, but fortunately I had parents that were straight. Almost all
of my friends of that time are now in prison". Jason Araghi, son of Iranian parents
who escaped to the USA during the Revolution, and Founder of Araghi Green Bean Coffee WorldCafe company, when asked who his heroes were, answered: "My parents. Their story is about being good role models". A special tribute should be paid to
Tan Chin Hock,a young Singapore Executive, who quit his regular, well-paid job, to take up 'love your parents' crusade. "People are so caught up earning money and getting their dream cars, that they miss out on time with their parents. Parents matter when they are alive and not when only memories are left". Will we and our children learn from him?

51) Managing Money

2009-08-17T11:22:00.009+08:00

"Use money with clarity, focus, ease and grace." Maria Nemeth

I grew up in Quilon, a small town in Kerala, South India. Nothing much happened there. If someone bought a new car, one week's gossip was ensured. One morning the town awoke to a buzz. An old woman, who lived in a small hut, was found dead. She was a familiar figure in town, always smiling and petitioning compassionate people for alms. She was never seen without a scarf covering her head, tied tight at her chin. We imagined that she was trying to conceal her thinning hair. As her neighbours prepared her body for the funeral, they untied the scarf. Surprise! Out fell high denomination currency. The money, enough to have given her a comfortable life in 1953, was donated to charity. With so much money on her person(obviously, she did not trust banks), why did she have to beg? Was it plain greed, money-craze or an obsession with crisp bills? I do not know. What I do know is that the happening is not erased from my memory.

Saint Paul was right when he wrote: "For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil" 1 Timothy 6:10. It is not money, but the excessive love of it that leads to evil. The old woman,apparently out of love for money, duped people into helping her,
time and again, when she needed no alms at all. The duplicity of Ramalinga Raju of Satyam Computers, is a case in point. For years he cooked his books to reflect higher profits and assets, to gain from higher share prices. Today in prison he has the time to reflect on his actions. Will he be a chastened man when he finishes his prison term?

As parents we have to teach our children to manage money prudently. To earn it honestly and spend it wisely. Even when in school, they could be initiated into saving habits - collecting incentives and bonuses given to them for good performances. From the pocket money given to them, small sums could be put away. (Some tactful supervision, without interference, is necessary over how children spend their pocket money.) From their small savings, encourage them to give their mite to worthy causes. It is absolutely exhilarating to witness children make
sacrifices. When they come of age, we could induct them into concepts of Profit and Loss, Credit and Financial Investments, to get them ready for financial decisions they will have to make when they start their careers. Saving for retirement does not start at 40, but at 22/23. Starting early not only strengthens the saving habit, but also leaves them with a larger sum of money, when the saving scheme matures.

I remember a story on thrift told to me, when I was in school. The Bishop of Quilon
had some projects to complete(schools, orphanages,hospitals), for which he needed funds. A well-wisher referred him to a Philanthropist in the USA. The Bishop arrived a few minutes before the scheduled appointment with his benefactor. As he sat in the parlour, he heard the man descend the stairway. He stopped abruptly and scolded his house keeper for wasting a second match to light a candle. The Bishop was puzzled.
How could a man who owned a chain of factories making match boxes, be harsh with his house keeper for lighting a second match? At a cordial meeting that followed, the rich man gave the Bishop a hefty donation. The Bishop could not leave without a clarification: would he please explain his behaviour with the house keeper? Amused,
but willing to explain, he said that he started life as a small trader. Because he was careful with the cents he ended up with dollars from which he could donate to good causes. The Bishop left the rich man's house a wiser man.

While making money, for good purposes, is laudable, children should not be carried away with the large sums they accumulate. Stuart Goldsmith, author of Seven Secrets
of Millionaires, has a strong point to make: "If you ever made any real money, you will be so caught up in your resounding success, that you will find it very difficult
to quit. Knowing when is enough is the most difficult challenge you will ever face".
Wealth is like sea water; the more one drinks, the more thirsty one becomes.

As parents we are always anxious to give our children what we did not have, what we missed out, so much so, we neglect to give them what we have - a sense of balance.
Perhaps Daniel Webster's words will support us in this task: "If you want to feel rich, just count up all the things you have that money cannot buy". When they reflect on Webster's words, they should find the resolve to strike a balance between what money can do and cannot.

While on the subject of managing money, I am tempted to touch on a popular belief:
the lucky ones make money, the unlucky ones stay poor. Let an illustration dispel the myth. A farmer in ancient China owned a horse which he used for ploughing the field and transporting the produce. The villagers referred to him as the lucky one, because only he in the village owned a horse. One day the horse escaped into the hills. Now the villagers called him the unlucky one, because the horse was lost. A few days later the horse returned with a herd of wild horses. With so many horses in his stable, what else could be but the very lucky one. The next day the farmer's son tried mounting one of the wild horses. He was thrown off; falling down he broke his leg. This time the villagers agreed that the farmer was a very unlucky man. The next week officers from the King's army visited the village to conscript young men for the army. Only the farmer's son was excluded because of his broken leg. Now the villagers were certain that the farmer was a hugely lucky man, because his son had escaped conscription. Each time the villagers praised his luck or sympathized with him for his bad luck, the farmer had the same answer: "Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?" The farmer was right: 'who knows?' Only those who win a lottery are lucky in making money the easy way. Others have to work for it. Even those who find treasure in their back yards have to dig for it. That is why someone alluded to luck as the residue of hard work. For our part, we should protect our children from ill-fated ideas, lest they be felled by their spell.

All said and done, money is not bad; it can support worthy causes. The important thing, is the purpose to which money is put. On this, Dan Sullivan and Catherine Noruma have a point to make: "Always make your purpose greater than your money". When the purpose is beyond reproach, then the money is managed with 'focus, ease and grace'.

50) Attachments

2009-08-16T17:08:00.006+08:00

"Where your treasure is, there also is your heart." Matt.6:21

As always, Jesus politely gets to the truth using a few words. Rephrased bluntly, He cautions us that attachments make us slaves. This slavery is well described by Albert Schweitzer: "If you have something you can't do without, you don't own it; it owns you". In the Bhagwat Gita, Krishna refers to the wisdom of being detached: "the Wise act without attachment". Dr. Desmond Biddulph, one-time Vice President of the Buddhist Society, explains this idea: "The need to look up to something greater than ourselves is imprinted in all of us. When we no longer gaze up in wonder, we start searching elsewhere, and this is when our difficulties begin. Within the heart of all of us is a special space, prepared for the Spirit. When the Spirit is undervalued, neglected and forgotten, other things come to take its place. Thus begin our wanderings, constantly chasing after pleasure and security, in flight from discomfort and fear, never at home, never at peace". Isn't it clear, that the more of heaven in our lives, the less of earth there will be?

In his thought-provoking book:'You'll see it, when you believe it', Dr.Wayne W.Dyer
lists the attachments that get the better of us: 1)Money 2)Possessions 3)Some Persons
4)Our Opinions 5)Our Past 6)Our bodies. Based on our perceptions, we are enslaved by such attachments. For one it is money; for another it is his mistress. Children are not excluded. For one it is the TV; for another it is the bad company she keeps. She would rather leave home than be kept from those she call 'friends'. Anais Nin gives us the reason for such behavior: "We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are". With distorted perceptions, we find exaggerated importance in our attachments. Money becomes an obsession, because that is how important it becomes.

1) MONEY
Steven Good(52), Head of one of the largest Estate Auction Houses in USA, shot himself dead. He was one of the high profile casualties of the Economic Crisis. Adolf
Merchle(74), German Billionaire, threw himself under a train after he lost large sums of money. Money defined their lives. When they lost it, they found no purpose in their lives. Commenting on people who are attached to wealth, Bob Scheinfeld, in his book, 11th.Element, wrote: "I know people with very little money and a few possessions who are incredibly happy, lead a fulfilled life and are serene. I also know people with hundreds of millions, who are miserable. It is not money that creates reality. It is what's inside us that does it". To strengthen our case, we have a remarkable insight on riches from Alexander the Great. When he conquered a city, all the loot was in a valley before him. A soldier said to him: "Sire, what more can you ask for?" In a pensive mood, Alexander replied: "But it doesn't last".
Do we and our children understand his meaning?

2) POSSESSIONS
"The best things in life, aren't things." Art Buchwald
When we look at what we want and compare it with what we have, we will be unhappy. But when we think of what we really deserve, considering our shortcomings, we will thank God for what we have. In this context, Oscar Wilde's cryptic comment must be given some thought: "In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting
what we want, and the other is getting it". It is time we taught our children to tone down expressions like: 'my big house', 'my big car', 'my big toy' and so on.

3) PERSONS
How often do we not put some people even ahead of God? To some the boss is a demigod;
to others a child is the centre of life, and when that child dies or leaves home for good, life becomes meaningless; to some others the death of a spouse is the end of the road. Strong bonds are good. But excessive attachment destroys. Neither do we have the space to grow, nor do we give the other space to grow.

4) OPINIONS
Our ideas and opinions are very much like our children; ours are the best. It is this obduracy that brings about a break down in relationships. With each one not willing to compromise, the discussion is dead-locked and what is left is simmering
discontent. Opinions are not beliefs or convictions. E.g.,there can be no debate on honesty, but opinions can differ on political ideology, skills of actors or skills of authors, and the like. To confuse an opinion with a belief, is nothing short of ignorance in the garb of certainty. Children should be counseled against heated arguments on movie stars they idolize or sports celebrities they want to emulate.

5) PAST
Polishing old brass is favorite occupation for those who live in the past. 'When I was in USA--', 'When I was a General--', 'When I was Headmistress--" and so on, are
statements often made by such people. The past has its purpose - to provide lessons.
Besides that, the past is dead. To hanker after the past is a weakness that should be discouraged, even in children.

6) BODIES
In Singapore, there is an old woman who visits the Beauty Palour everyday. Not that she is movie star or a social bigwig, but that she is love with her body. Such people will be traumatized with age and will find the thought of death hateful. Some of us pamper our bodies with exotic herbal treatment and expensive body-care products. To keep our bodies in good health and good shape is a duty. But to overdo such attention, is shifting focus from the essentials. Children who spend long hours before a mirror should be weaned way from the habit and be reminded of other tasks on their to-do list.

Fittingly, we shall end this post with the words of Meister Eckart: "He who would be serene and pure needs but one thing, detachment".

49) Knowledge

2009-08-11T11:40:00.007+08:00

To enrich our children with knowledge, we shall initiate the process by dividing the topic into two parts - knowledge of the world around us, and knowledge of self.

1) KNOWLEDGE OF THE WORLD AROUND US
"Always make your learning greater than your experience." Dan Sullivan and Catherine
Noruma

A devoted follower of Socrates asked him for the best way to acquire knowledge. Socrates led him to a river and plunged the man's head into the water. He struggled to free himself, but the Master would not let go. After a desperate attempt he broke free of the vice-like grip. Angry, yet respectful, the man looked accusingly at Socrates, who asked him what he needed most when his head was under water. He replied that he would have done anything to get some air. The Philosopher looked at him with kindness and said: "When you want knowledge as much as you wanted air, you will get it". Socrates was trying to impress on his follower, in an unusual way, that knowledge does not come easy; that hard work and a passion for it are necessary; that sacrifices are called for, to gain it.

In January 2008(months before the USA Elections), The Straits Times, Singapore, reported on a survey among the youth. The objective was to find out: a) if the youth were informed on current events, and b) what was their attitude to gaining such knowledge. Question: Who is Obama? Answer: Brother of Osama. Question: Who is Hillary Clinton? Answer: Sister of Bill Clinton. The wrong answers apart(from some of the respondents), the attitude of most of the youth shocked the investigators. The youth did not care. That begs a question: How knowledgeable are our young children? Do they care? Do they care that wars are ravaging Iraq and Afganistan; that
starvation and disease are taking millions of lives in Africa; that in poor countries
many children die for want of basic medical attention; that millions in different parts of the world lack bare necessities like water, food, sanitation and shelter? When children learn of the trauma in the lives of others, their compassion will nudge them to offer help in some form. Otherwise, in their sterile and protected environment, they will care less for those who suffer. A minor benefit, to their higher knowledge level, would be their ability to enter General Knowledge Contests and win prizes. Another minor benefit would be their ability to do well in knowledge-based activities in school, which would prepare them for work life.

A good place to coach them is the dining table, where quiz programmes, structured to match their ages, could be conducted. Also, they could prepare short talks for the family, on simple topics. Such exercises would spur them into research on the topic
and thinking for themselves, instead of toeing the line popular among their peers.
Their experience is limited, but their learning can exceed it, when they take the advice given by Dan Sullivan and Catherine Noruma.

2)KNOWLEDGE OF SELF
"Oh that God, the gift would give us,
to see ourselves, as others see us!" Robert Burns

Most of us have a good opinion of ourselves. We see very few faults, or none at all in the way we live. The problem is that those who interact with us are not inclined to agree with our assessment. The few who really care will risk telling us of the grey areas that need attention. But we resent such help and try to put distance between us and these well-intentioned souls. However, in the Professional World there is no escape. When our children enter the Corporate World they will be assessed
by their bosses, and will have to work on the positive and negative feedback given to them, to gain brownie points and advancement in their careers. How will they react to such feedback? Accuse bosses, sulk, resign? To help them react with maturity, we could begin by explaining the words of Thomas Carlyle: "The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none". Titus Maccius Plautus conveyed the same thought in different words: "The only upright man is he who knows his shortcomings". With that basic thought in place, we could train them in the Appraisal System, a tool they will have to use, willy-nilly, in their jobs. The System offers positive inputs with suggestions to strengthen the positives; and negative feedback with recommendations on how to adopt a step-by-step method for overcoming certain weaknesses. In short, the Appraisal System aims at 'knowledge of self' and 'self development'. To induct children into the system, we could set them modest, specific goals and assign them tasks. Against their performance, the system can be explained and implemented. Since the system is universal, we could submit ourselves to an Appraisal by the children and take seriously the feedback they give us. When they see us working on their findings, they will be prompted to act on the suggestions we give them. The system is often shunned because of its sensitive nature. A preacher once remarked: "Being overly sensitive is being excessively in love with oneself". When we reflect on his words, we cannot but agree. Without exception we all are sensitive to negative feedback; but feedback cannot be avoided. Is it not better that we profit from it, even as we teach our children to accept and respond to it with openness and humility?
With Saint Augustine we shall pray, and teach our children to pray: "Lord, let me know thee; let me know myself".

48) Skills (continued)

2009-08-10T12:53:00.007+08:00

4) NON-VERBAL SKILLS
"The important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." Peter Drucker

Body language(otherwise known as non-verbal communication)is what isn't being said. It is what is seen and experienced, and interpreted. Someone who studied human bahavior, wrote: "Men lie with their lips, but not with their bodies". That is why observing the speaker adds much to the content of what is being said. Albert Mehrabian, a communication teacher, discovered that 55% of the message was communicated non-verbally, 38% through tone of voice and only 7% through spoken words. We now know how important the less important areas of communication are - gestures, postures, positions and distances. The body signals in many thousand ways, of which most are from the face - showing happiness, sadness, surprise, anger, disgust and fear. The body sends out a continuous flow of cues, even after the person has stopped speaking. We look at a woman intently and ask questions with a smile, suggesting that we like her. With another, we dislike, we are silent, lean back and look away. Body language is expressed in the timber of the voice, the look in the eyes, the set of the mouth, the flare of the nostrils, the smile, the frown, the sneer, the upturned lip, the way we use our hands and shoulders, and our gait. In short, the whole body communicates. When children watch those they admire, they like to imitate the way they walk, talk and gesticulate. Since non-verbal communication is more important than acknowledged, could we become the idols whom our children want to copy?

5) PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS
"The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems, is the problem." Theodore Rubin

A small factory had to stop operations when an essential piece of machinery broke down. None of the technicians in the factory could fix the machine, so outside help was requested. The expert circled the machine, fidgeted with this and that, stood for long in thought, then taking a small hammer gently tapped the machine at one spot; it sprang into action. The next day he submitted a bill for $100. The factory manager was outraged that the expert demanded $100 for just tapping the machine. So he asked for an itemized bill. The expert resubmitted the bill to read: $1 for tapping the machine and $99 for knowing where to tap.(An extract from Bits & Pieces)

Certainly problem-solving skills come at a high price, because solving a problem calls for a stable and resourceful mind, that can think out-of-the-box. The normal response to a problem is worry, which results in going around the problem in maddening futile circles, compounding it. The other option is to be concerned, which
means sizing up the dimensions of the problem, and calmly taking steps to solve it. A step by step approach certainly helps, taking a hint from a blind mother who was asked how she coped with problems in her life, given her handicap. With a broad smile, she replied: "I take one thing at a time".

Do our children get flustered when they are faced with a problem? E.g.,she missed school for a few days, because she was ill. Would see a problem coping with missed classes or would she work out a plan on how to catch up? A lot will depend on how she sees us cope with problems.

6) CRISIS MANAGEMENT SKILLS
"When written in Chinese, the word 'crisis' is composed of two characters - one represents 'danger' and the other represents 'opportunity'." John F. Kennedy

Do we see danger or opportunity in a crisis? Do we teach our children to look at a crisis as an opportunity? Let us take a situation: the child loses her school bag in the school premises. To her, that is a crisis. She can panic or see it as an opportunity to manage the crisis intelligently and resourcefully. First, she should inform school authorities. Second, she could describe her bag to her friends and enlist their support in the search. Third, she could call home from the school office and warn folks that she is likely to be late because of the search for her bag. Fourth, she could visualize the worst case scenario: text books lost could be purchased again, although it would make her dad's wallet a little lighter. Being an understanding and caring dad, he would not mind that because he could count on his daughter not being careless. Then she could figure out from whom she could borrow notes to have them photocopied; and size up the loss in terms of pens, pencils and other accessories that were in the bag. Having done this mental damage-control-list, she would have a clearer picture of the crisis, even as the search continues. She may or may not find the bag, but now she is better prepared for the loss. The Dalai Lama cautions us that the best part of the brain, in which judgments are made, cannot function properly, when human emotions are out of control. So panic in a crisis is counter productive; it only clouds the mind.

47) Skills

2009-08-05T12:06:00.009+08:00

1) COMMUNICATION SKILLS
"A relationship will be only as good as its communication." John Powell

Post 46 gave us an insight into the importance of relationships. John Powell puts things in perspective when he writes that relationships are dependent on communication. That is why communication skills are a priority not just in schools and later in the work place, but in daily life, in the home and with the family.

In simple terms, effective communication is understanding and being understood. Our children should clearly understand what others convey to them, and should make themselves understood when they convey a thought. To do that they should think clearly. Remove clutter and stick to the essentials. Then they should learn to convey those clear thoughts in simple, short sentences. Complex sentences complicate matters. Communication is based on thoughts, and thoughts spring from the person - the quality of the person, determining the quality of thoughts. The child's words are only the attire that her thoughts wear. So, emphasis should be on the thoughts of the child - kind, sharing and forgiving thoughts; not unkind, selfish and vengeful thoughts. It is obvious that communication either builds or breaks relationships, through the sharing and interpretation of thoughts. The more fulfilling the communication, the stronger the relationship; the more suspect the communication, the more fragile the relationship.

A few additional points emerge from this basic tenet: the child should know that in communicating with family, teachers and friends she has to be clear and brief in expressing herself, and show respect for the other person's point of view. Saint Ignatius of Loyola placed much emphasis on the other person's point of view, when he wrote: "Enter through their door, to leave through yours". When our children defy these basics, they will suffer from fractured relationships. The joy of life will be lost.

We are often led to believe that a person who has a way with words(skill)is a good communicator. Thinking people differ. They maintain that communication is like an iceberg. The small visible part of the iceberg is the skill. The big submerged part is the mass of beliefs, attitudes, values and habits; in short, his character. If the mass disintegrates, the tip is of no consequence. So, word carpentry is a distinct advantage only when the character of the person is like solid timber.

2) LISTENING SKILLS
"The road to the heart, is the ear." Voltaire

The most difficult part in transacting with people, is to open a closed mind, because
the door to the mind is shut, with the handle to the door on the inside. Often we confront such minds. Then it is best to listen, because they will not listen. At other times, people are eager to share their thoughts and feelings, but we will not listen, because we are busy saying our bit.

President Roosevelt theorized that very few people listen. At a party, he decided to test out his theory. To people who came up to him, he muttered: "I murdered my grandmother this morning". Most replied: "How lovely, continue with the good work".
Only one diplomat, with a twinkle in his eye joked: "I am sure she had it coming to her". We are so caught up in our own thoughts and words, that we do not have the time or inclination to listen to what others have to say. Besides the lack of listening skills, there is another reason for our failure to listen - PACE. We normally speak at the rate of 125-150 words per minute. The mind can handle nearly 500 words per minute. Since the mind works at a faster pace, it tends to wander.

Listening is not believing. Believing is proportionate to credibility. The higher the credibility of the speaker, the higher the believability. Going beyond the ear,
listening enlists the heart and the head. With the ear we take in the words; in the heart, we make space for the speaker; and with the head we closely follow his words,
encourage more disclosure and gently prod, not just for words, but more importantly
for feelings; to lead us to believe the truth.

Listening is not solving the problem, but a step in that direction. It is being with the speaker, without becoming the speaker. Listening says" "I am not going to take over your problem. You need to be clear in your mind to understand the problem. I know you are capable of doing that". It means, having the courage to be part of the transformation process. When our children gain listening skills, they will stop hearing from us and teachers, the accusing words: "You are not listening".

3) SILENCE SKILLS
"He who guards his lips, guards his soul." Proverbs 13:3

When we rearrange LISTEN, we get SILENT. Good listening means being silent when the other speaks. Communication is misunderstood as talking all the time. Listening and being silent are integral parts of communicating. That is why Carlyle writes: "Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves". Great things happen to us and others, when we reflect in silence. A smart listener coined an acronym in SOUL. S, for silence; O, for observe; U, for understand; and L, for listen, was how he expanded SOUL. He said that if we LISTEN in SILENCE to OBSERVE and UNDERSTAND, we are communicating with our souls. Should we not help our children find their SOUL?

46) The Connection - Relationships

2009-08-03T11:54:00.011+08:00

"No good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit; for each tree is known by its fruit." Luke 6:43-44

Over the past few weeks we have covered important aspects of Parental Instructions
(more will follow). In posts 39,40, we examined how attitudes form the basis for our response to others; our set of rules. In posts 41,42, we saw the importance of values; and that they emerge from Beliefs/Attitudes. In posts 43,44, we listed some habits which endear us to others. And in post 45 we pondered the impact of good behavior, which is being crowned 'gentleman/lady'. Now, for the connection; how does all this link into a cohesive whole?

Beliefs/Attitudes -> Values -> Habits -> Behavior -> Character -> Relationships

Working backwards we establish the connection.Good Relationships(R) are born of good
Character(C), which in turn is seen in good Behavior(B), which is an expression of good Habits(H), which stems from good Values(V), which springs from Beliefs/Attitudes(A). In a nut shell, good relationships cannot be built if the sequence before it does not fall in place. Bad habits endanger relationships, as do bad attitudes. We cannot break free of the sequence, if we desire strong and lasting relationships.

On Character, which influences Relationships, Peter Drucker, the Master Management Consultant, had much to say. Character, he said, was difficult to define, but its absence easily noticed. The person without Character destroys, he continued; destroys performance and people. His comments put the spotlight on Character. It is vital in building good relationships, because in the words of someone: "Reputation
is what folks think you are. Personality is what you seem to be. Character is what you really are".

What is a Good Relationship? We know from experience what it is, but find it difficult to put together the right words to describe the ethereal feeling. A good relationship is about installing in first place, the other person(spouse/child/parent/friend). This begs a question: Will there be many firsts in our network of relationships? No. Of course, there will be God who takes first place. The others will follow in the order of importance to our lives; spouse will precede child and so on. The implication is that we are ready to make sacrifices, which spring from
genuine concern and caring for that person; sacrifices that hurt. A good relationship is about true respect for the other person, by being sensitive to his/her feelings and valuing it as a life time bond which culminates in TRUST. When
trust is built, the relationship is at its peak. Without intending to, we have revisited the Golden Rule(posts 37,38), which is valuing others as we value ourselves. We are back full circle. We start by making better persons of ourselves,
share that goodness with others, and return to ourselves to rejoice in the sharing and the peace that comes from it. Mark 4:22 points out the significance: "the measure you give will be the measure you get". Which means that unless we reach out to others, we are likely to be isolated and lose the many gifts that life offers.
And what are those gifts? Charles M.Rossiter and W.Barnett Pearce provide an answer: "When we experience warm, close, friendly relationships, our lives are fuller, more meaningful and more satisfying. When we do not, we feel alone, unloved and empty". Those are good reasons for us to build bridges and not put up barriers.

Because of our inherent selfishness, we tend to focus on our rights. Our right to life, to enjoy life, to work, to acquire money and goods, to pleasure, to our life-style, and very importantly to get our way. There is nothing seriously wrong with 'rights' as long as we acknowledge that there is a flip side to such demands - RESPONSIBILITIES. When we balance rights and responsibilities there is harmony; where there is no balance there is discord. The Quran exhorts us to accept the balancing principle: "There is no such thing as human rights without human responsibilities". That settles the relationship equation. Swami Vivekananda has his version of the relationship equation: "The way to be happy is by making others happy".

For those of us and our children who have traveled the wrong road, there is heartening news from Antony Robbins: "All behaviors can be changed, by changing beliefs, values, rules". We can shift to the right road and rebuild our relationships through a changed set of values and attitudes. And how do we do that?
By living the Latin Proverb: "An old peg is driven out by a new peg". A new good habit drives out an old bad habit. An old bad attitude is driven out by a new good attitude, and so on. E.g.,hard work drives out laziness; honesty drives out dishonesty. The good tree will then bear good fruit.

45) Courteous Behaviour

2009-07-29T14:50:00.010+08:00

"Courtesy is the one passport that will be accepted without question in every land, in every office, in every house, in every heart in the world." George D.Powers

Sachin Tendulkar and Vinod Kambli were schoolmates and cricket teammates, with a huge talent for the game. Sachin broke records and rose to fame. Vinod failed to get past a few games. Why? It is reliably learned that Vinod's rather boorish behavior lost him friends and the respect of the selectors; notwithstanding his talent. We would not want our children to suffer from bad behavior. Would we?

Good or courteous behavior is born of consideration of others - respect for them, their belongings, feelings and time. When children are insensitive to the needs of others, they will be rebuffed in some way, at sometime in their lives; sadly we too will suffer humiliation with them. That should be compelling reason for us to teach them to behave well at home and in public. When there is a lack of discipline and overindulgence at home, children begin to believe that they have the upper hand, and we are put on the defensive. We cannot let that happen. So, in earnest we should take them through the process of fending off bad behavior.

1) ETIQUETTE

It is a much misunderstood term. Most people limit its meaning to social norms and good manners, missing out on the core meaning. Etiquette is anchored in 'consideration for others'. Without that anchor, social norms and good manners are adrift. Together, they cannot be tugged apart.

"My son", said a father to his boy, "treat everybody with politeness; even those who may be rude to you, not because they are gentlemen, but because you are one". The title 'gentleman' we give a person, is a crown we place on his head; a recognition; a great honor. Neither is every man a 'gentleman', nor is every woman a 'lady'. When does a person deserve that honor? Only when all his/her ways are rooted in consideration for others. We meet phonies who embellish their behavior with plastic smiles, affected speech and grand attire; and we are often taken in by them. But when they face testing situations their masks fall off, exposing a hideous visage. We also meet people who are genuine. They do not play-act, but are modest and refined, always mindful of others and are kind and courteous. William Wordsworth certifies such behavior: "The best portion of a good man's life is his little nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love". The gentleman's little acts include praising the worthy, encouraging the defeated, befriending the lonely, cheering the unhappy, goading the quitter, uplifting the despondent, teaching the ignorant and calming the angry.'Little' acts indeed!

2) PERSONAL HYGIENE

Adults who wear clothes that stink(oblivious of others), who care little about oral hygiene, who do not bath daily, who use bathrooms badly and who leave behind a trail of uncouth behavior, were once children who were given hygiene-concessions by parents. When such young people find partners, with bad behavior the reason, they end up quarreling and going their separate ways. Some parents may dismiss indifference to personal hygiene as a minor aberration. Try telling that to someone who has to share the same bed with the offender!

When watching cricket matches on TV, we have the revolting sight of players picking noses, biting nails and spitting repeatedly. Embarrassed parents of those famous sons, squirm when they realize that their boys are watched by millions. How they wish they had checked those loathsome habits, when their sons were little boys! Unless such quirks are stopped, even as they start, exorcising children of those demons, as they grow older, is impossible. A little boy found the right word when his teacher asked the class to complete the sentence: 'Cleanliness is next to ---'.
Decisively he answered: 'impossible'. Yes, 'impossible', if personal hygiene is not made a habit early in childhood.

3) PERSONAL GROOMING

Seldom do we see young people tastefully and neatly dressed, carrying themselves with dignity. Instead we see them in loud T-shirts and tight jeans, sporting a casual style. We let our children compromise on grooming, little realizing that the Corporate World, which is thankfully returning to formal and semi-formal wear, will frown on poorly dressed new entrants. Unkempt hair, unshaven faces, poorly matched clothes and shoes that do not shine, do not reflect good grooming. And our girls should know that showing more skin is not more beauty.

4) ORDERLINESS

Walking into some homes is like walking into minefields. Tread watchfully, is the warning, because toys, footwear, books and assorted items are scattered on the floor.
Unless there is order in our lives, there will be disorder in the lives of our children. They should learn to do things at the right time and put things in the right place. Play with a toy at playtime and put it back, in its place; so with anything else. The good part about orderly behavior is that children will carry it forward to school, work life and family life.

5) TABLE MANNERS

It is rather embarrassing to watch some children eat. They nosily chew food, scatter food on the table, stuff their mouths, gulp drinks and ravenously eat their favorite
dishes. Ask a child to pass a fork, and he will pass it prongs pointing. Drinking water glasses are stained with grease and oil, because their mouths are not wiped with a napkin, before putting the glass to their lips. Certainly, there is a strong case for children to learn table manners to save themselves and us, blushes.

6) CAREFULNESS

Disposing of rubbish haphazardly from windows, balconies and running vehicles, is more than just carelessness. What is worse is dumping garbage at or near the neighbor's gate. Slamming doors and windows is noisy and inconsiderate. Not turning off lights, fans, air-conditioners and other appliances, when leaving the room, is not only waste of electricity, but also lack of concern for the person who pays the power bill. Not completely turning off taps after using water is wasteful and negligent behavior. Children should know that even today(as they get water from a tap)there are millions who trek miles to fetch a pot of water. Snatching things from others, even siblings, is rough and unbecoming behavior. If unchecked, the snatching act could end up in wild actions and costly consequences.

"We are what we repeatedly do", warned Aristotle. When our children learn to do the right things repeatedly, they will build strong characters. We owe it to them.

44) Habits (continued)

2009-07-27T11:29:00.008+08:00

2) MAKING A HABIT OF EXCELLENCE
"Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well." Philip Chesterfield

We should inculcate in children, very early, the spirit of excellence. From childhood they should realize the benefit and pleasure of doing things well. Charles Gore gives this habit the right orientation, when he writes: "God wants us to do ordinary things extraordinarily well". Such a habit will spring from discontent in doing things in a compromised fashion. E.g.,our children are compromising when they study at school, but settle for average performance; complete homework, but not benefit from it; carry out a chore at home because mummy ordered it, and not because the home has to be neat and tidy. When children grow up compromising, they lose the cutting edge to compete and get ahead. The effort is not worth it, they argue. That is when parents have to step in and show them that doing THEIR BEST is more important than doing THE BEST. How?

First, by raising the bar; pushing up expectations; setting goals that are not easy to achieve, but attainable. Let us stop to consider Goethe's wisdom: "Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be, and he will become as he can and should be". Replace 'man' with 'child' and the picture is clear.
Lord Grant conveys the same thought, in different words: "The greater danger, for most of us, lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short, but in setting our aim too low and achieving our mark". Toppers in any field are inspired to beat their own high standards; always raising the bar. Antonio Stradivari(1644-1737)put his signature to the violin he made, only when he was convinced that the violin was excellent. The tradition continues though Stradivari is long dead. When we have the spirit of excellence, it is easier to instill that spirit in our children.

Second, by expecting excellence from others. Children who pursue the spirit of excellence will expect excellence from others; they thrive in such conditions. To live and work in mediocre conditions is disadvantageous to them. They should attend schools where excellence is more than a motto; it should be a way of life. They should enjoy the company of like-minded children. They must rejoice in belonging to a home where the spirit of excellence is like the air they breathe. The analogy is simple - only in the right soil conditions will a good seed grow and yield a rich harvest.

Third, by setting priorities. Too many goals and the effort is spread thin. E.g.,
classes, then tuition classes, then music lessons, then dance practice, then tennis and so on. In such high pressure conditions children are stretched and dissipated. Instead, if they prioritized and stuck to limited objectives, they would have the energy and enthusiasm to perform better. Today's children are a tired and dispirited lot, because they chase too many dreams. If only they prioritized!

Fourth, by showing them how to take the initiative. To follow others when danger lurks, is safe but not courageous. To follow others in everyday life exposes a lack of initiative. Children should revel in doing things without prodding. To risk answering difficult questions, to accept the challenge of a difficult assignment, to volunteer to do a difficult task, to offer to help the needy, as others back off, are signs of initiative in a child who is unafraid. Louise L. Hay has sound advice for such children: "Be willing to take the first step, no matter how small it is".

Fifth, by making them persevere. Joe was a senior salesman, who was assigned a tough customer, who refused to buy the Company's products, despite the efforts of some of the top executives. One day, at a sales meeting, Joe announced that he was given a large order by the tough customer. Jaws dropped. How could it be? What was Joe's secret. Modest in his ways, Joe admitted to meeting the customer 125 times before he was rewarded. Someone in the meeting asked Joe: "Would you have stopped meeting the customer at some stage, if he did not buy from you?" Joe pondered the question and replied: "It depends". "Depends on what?" Laconically, Joe answered: "Who died first". If ever there was a test for perseverance, here was one! A pithy Japanese Proverb conveys the spirit of perseverance: "Fall seven times, stand up eight".
Try, try again, was the lesson the defeated King Bruce of Scotland learned, as he watched a spider weave its web, falling many times, but not giving up.

4) MAKING A HABIT OF TRUTHFULNESS
"One thousand falsehoods are not as good as one truth." Chinese Proverb

A mother who was at her wits end trying to correct her son who lied repeatedly, told him of the Devil, who with fiery eyes, a long tail and horns, tormented children who lied. The son heard his mother and promised not to lie again, because he could not match his mother who was a smarter liar. Lying inflicts punishment on the liar, in the words of George Bernard Shaw: :A liar's punishment is not that he is not believed
but that he cannot believe anyone". Wasn't that true of the son who could not believe even his mother? There is yet another punishment. "A good liar needs a good memory", is an observation the Arabs make. The liar must tax his memory time and again, to recall what lie he told whom, to avoid getting tangled in his web of lies.
When children drift from the truth(white lies are not excluded), we must come down on them with a heavy hand, if necessary. It is like fighting a stubborn infection with strong antibiotics.

4) MAKING A HABIT OF NOT WASTING ANY RESOURCE
"A moment of time is like a piece of gold, but a piece of gold will not buy a moment of time." Chinese Proverb

We are alerted that time is priceless. Time Management Consultant, Antonio Herrara asked the participants in a seminar: "If we had to buy time, would there be any difference in how we would spend it? Would the days of our life be used more wisely?
What if you had to pay in advance one hundred dollars an hour for the time allotted to you? Would you waste time?" The answer was a decisive 'No'. If paying for time is the only way we will understand its value, perhaps God should charge us each time he gives us a new lease of life - every morning. Waste does not stop with time. Talents are wasted. Opportunities are not converted. Possessions are left to rust. Friendships are allowed to wither and not blossom. Management of any resource is serious business, and waste in any form is anathema.

Are we ready to hand-hold our children through tedious exercises meant to cultivate
character-building habits? The price is high, but the treasure it buys is invaluable.

43) Habits

2009-07-23T10:05:00.011+08:00

"Your character is essentially the sum of your habits." Rick Warren

Since habits make up character, our children should be groomed from infancy in habits
that will give them a solid character-base. Abigail Van Buren writes of the best way
to gauge character: "The best index to a man's character is how he treats people who can't do him any good, and how he treats people who can't fight back ". In other words, the test is how a person treats less important people; the weak ones. Another way of framing the test is to find out if he has consideration for others. Jesus Christ spoke of three loves: a)love of God, b)love of neighbor, and c)love of self. He asked His followers to love others as they loved themselves. So, love of self is not taboo, but the sanction to make room for others. The Golden Rule(posts 37,38)embodies these noble thoughts. That person has character who keeps the Golden Rule. To do that he must cultivate habits which endear him to others. John Dryden throws light on how the sequence works: "We first make our habits, then our habits make us". When our children cultivate good habits, they reap an abundant harvest of
good character. A school which understood the significance of character, prided in the motto: CHARACTER BEFORE CAREER.

1) MAKING A HABIT OF 'CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS'.

a)"Consideration for others' will spring from the habit of LOOKING FOR GOODNESS in others. When we find goodness in others, we are drawn to them. Being all eyes and ears to spot such goodness is a huge effort with compensations. Rewards follow in the form of cordial relationships; even friendships.

When we have consideration for others, we believe that we are doing others a favor.
Ralph Waldo Emerson disagrees: "It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another, without helping himself". That is a new angle - when we help others we help ourselves. This beautiful discovery adds impetus to our effort to be good to others, because we gain in the process.
Actually, Emerson only echoes what Confucius voiced many centuries ago: "He who wishes to secure the good of others, has already secured his own". A short story
illustrates this point. In 'Living the 7 Habits', Stephen R.Covey tells the story of
a father and his 9 year old daughter who play a game on a half hour drive. Wanting the child to feel good, the father suggests that they both fill in the blanks to statements starting with: "I feel good about you ----"; and "I liked what you did because ----". In his eagerness to please his daughter and to genuinely express his love for her, the father swiftly completes sentences that compliment his child. The child is thrilled that her father appreciates some of her ways and loves her dearly.
In her innocence she also completes sentences on her father. At the end of the drive
the father is beside himself with joy that his little daughter has much affection for him. What started out as a one-way act of goodness, turned out to be a two-way affair. Their relationship rose to a new level after that drive. Surely, Confucius and Emerson have a point.

b) The habit of SPEAKING WELL of others, and not aiming darts at them, elevates the person. Without his knowing it, there is a halo over his head. An old woman who was never known to speak ill of others was tested by a group of young fellows who asked her what she thought of the Devil. Not batting an eyelid, she replied: "To his credit, he is always on the job". To find something nice to say, even of the Devil puts the old lady in a special category.

c) Running down others is a common weakness. We are brazen when we fault a person in the presence of others. What is worse is to SPEAK ILL of him, when he is not present to defend himself. This weakness is against one of the 14 precepts of Buddhism. Equally bad is the habit of using FOUL LANGUAGE, to prefix and suffix comments. Children think it is 'cool' to use foul and vulgar expressions. They should be checked and disciplined, if necessary. They run the risk of endangering their progress, if they do not correct themselves.

d) The habit of GIVING CREDIT where it is due, speaks highly of a fair and appreciative mind. On being congratulated for his brilliant rendering of Beethoven's
Violin Concerto, a world famous Violinist responded: "I have splendid music, a splendid violin and a splendid bow. All I have to do is to bring them together, and get out of the way". He does not draw attention to himself or his skill, but is ready to give credit to great music and a splendid instrument. Positively, a noble trait!

e) The habit of APOLOGIZING for wrong doing calls for enormous courage. When that courage is summoned the impact is enormous. Synn Johnstone tells us why: "An apology is the super glue of life. It can repair just about anything". So many relationships fall apart, never to be glued back, for want of an apology. "I'm sorry", "Please forgive me", are words difficult to wrench from a proud and unyielding heart.
Zacchaeus, the Chief Tax Collector, though short in stature, stands tall after he apologies to Jesus and make amends for defrauding people. His position, wealth and prospect of more wealth do not deter him from asking for forgiveness. The Gospels Show how a small man was capable of big deeds.

f) The habit of KEEPING PROMISES guarantees the respect of others. An extract from Bits and Pieces has a recommendation: "The world is divided into two classes of people. The few who make good on their promises(A), and the many who don't(B). Get in column (A), and stay there. You'll be valuable, wherever you are". A father who did not read this injunction, promised to take his 8 year old son to the Zoo on Sunday afternoon. The boy waited for long hours, but the father chose to go to the Race Course. When he returned, late that evening and made excuses to his little son, the boy kept repeating: "But you promised".

g) Only an organized person has the habit of KEEPING APPOINTMENTS, replying mails and returning calls without delay. He realizes that he would not like to be kept waiting. So he does not keep others waiting; he would not want his mails ignored or calls not returned, so he responds promptly. Moliere tells us how serious such omissions can be: "It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable". Definitely, those who ignore such niceties are accountable.

h) The habit of NOT EXPLOITING OTHERS comes from good breeding. We do not exploit others, mainly because we have consideration for others. Free-riding is an uncharitable twist. When children exploit weaker siblings at home, weaker classmates
at school and parents who show weakness, they are exposing a vulnerable side of their character. They get paid back by bullies. We would want to shield our children from bullies. That places on us an added responsibility.

NOTE: The 8 points covered here proceed from the principal habit of 'consideration for others'. In the next post we shall look at a few more habits.

42) Values - (continued)

2009-07-21T09:54:00.010+08:00

4) THE VALUE OF BEING GRATEFUL
"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of others." Cicero

One day on the streets of London, Charles H. Spurgeon was robbed. When he arrived home and reported the incident, he said: "We'll thank the Lord, anyway". His wife displeased that he had lost money, countered: "Thank the Lord that someone stole your purse?" "No, my dear", answered her husband, and went on to give her reasons why he was thankful. "First, I am thankful that the robber just took my purse, not my life. Second, I am thankful that most of our money was left at home, and he did not rob much. Third, I am thankful to God, that I was not the robber". To find gratitude in the heart when there is little to be thankful, uncovers the superior attitude of the person. To look at the bright side of the situation when apparently there is darkness and gloom, points to the pinnacle he has climbed. Little wonder that Cicero refers to gratitude as the parent of other virtues.

Saying 'thank you' is good, as long as it is not just words. Polite behavior is expected in society and 'thank you' is in order. But we have to go beyond the words,
to teach our children not to forget the good things they receive from a Loving and Merciful God, kind people and us, their parents. They should not take parents for granted. In old Anglo-Saxon, to be 'thankful' meant to be 'thinkful'. Thinking of one's blessings should stir one to gratitude. E.g.,children could think of the gift
of each new day, for sunshine and light, clean air to breathe, water, the comforts they enjoy, food they relish, entertainment they delight in, friendships that mean a lot to them, good music and good books and so on. Lessons on gratitude should start early, so that thankfulness becomes second nature. An ungrateful heart is despicable.
That is why Shakespeare wrote, rather forcefully: "I hate ingratitude more in man
than lying, vainess, babbling, drunkenness, or any taint of voice, whose strong corruption inhabits out blood". A fitting conclusion to this point would be a short prayer, written by George Herbert, which we and our children could offer to the Compassionate Lord: "O Thou who hast given us so much, mercifully grant us one more thing - a grateful heart".

5) THE VALUE OF BEING PATIENT
"He who can have patience, can have what he will." Benjamin Franklin

No one treated Abraham Lincoln with more contempt than Edwin Staton, who condemned Lincoln's policies and called him 'a low cunning clown', and referring to his looks,
'the original gorilla'. Lincoln said or did nothing. He showed remarkable patience,
though as President of USA, he had the powers to hit back. In typically mature behavior, he made Staton his War Minister, because he believed that his adversary was the best man for the job; and always treated him with courtesy. Years wore on.
On the night Lincoln was assassinated, looking down at the rugged face of his dead
President, Staton said through tears: "There lies the greatest ruler of men, the world has ever seen". Patience had conquered hate. Wisdom won. Saint Augustine's words give us the right insight: "Patience is the companion of wisdom". The wise man is patient; experience confirms that.

Impatience is the sign of a fitful mind - fleeting from idea to idea, thing to thing,
unwilling to wait for fruition, angry with delays and blaming others. An impatient person is a spoke in the wheel of progress; because progress does not come at the pace we demand, but at its own pace. Ovid cautions us to be patient because "everything comes gradually, and at its appointed time". An impatient and angry person is a pathetic sight. A husband who claimed to love his wife dearly, broke two dozen eggs over her head and let the white and yellow of the eggs flow down her head, face and body, as she sat motionless, all because she skipped eggs for breakfast, after being instructed to have them. He demanded that his action be seen as an expression of love. We are inclined to disagree.

Children can act outrageously, in a fit of rage and throw tantrums to push parents into a state of panic. As parents we should know the potential danger in such situations and heal our children of their 'momentary madness'.

6) THE VALUE OF BEING FAIR MINDED
"To do injustice is more disgraceful than to suffer it." Plato

The student of a Management Professor, who was assigned to another Professor for a Project, complained that he was not happy with the way his Project was being directed
and concluded by saying: "Even if you give me 50% marks I will be happy, because I know I deserve only that. If he gives me 90% marks I will not be happy, because I know that he does not care and is not fair".

Trust comes from keeping promises and being fair. This is established through the
Four-Way-Test of a respected Organization: 1)Is it the truth? 2)Is it fair to all?
3)Will it build goodwill and better friendship? 4)Will it be beneficial to all concerned? When the four questions(all concerning fairness)are satisfactorily answered, we know with certitude that fair play will lead to the building of trust.
On the contrary, if selfishness and favoritism are given play, fairness loses out.
That was precisely the reason Plato labeled 'injustice' as a disgraceful act. The selfishness of King Louis XIV was inferred from a brief exchange between two of his subjects. When out hunting the King wore no gloves. One farmer pointed to the hands of the King and said: "His hands will be cold". The other farmer bandied: "His hands will not be cold because they are in our pockets". With the King exploiting his subjects through heavy taxes, they passed judgment on him - he was not a fair king.

Are we parents fair in our parenting? When we show preference for one child over the other/s, we deal a deadly blow to fair play in the family. When a father distributes
among his children, pads , pens, pencils pilfered from his office, he is not setting an example of fair play, but showing his children how to cheat and exploit unsuspecting superiors. In such a home fair play has little chance.

41) Values

2009-07-15T11:41:00.008+08:00

"Try not to become a person of success, but a person of value." Albert Einstein

A person of success has much to count (money and possessions)and much to show(fame).
Albert Einstein thinks that there is a better option - become a person of value, when there will be little to count and show, but much of value in a loftier life. Charles Garfield plays with words, but gets the point home, when he writes: "Not everything that counts, can be counted. Not everything that can be counted, counts". Values always count, though they do not display numbers. To children, parents who live value-based lives are a shining example. For such parents, traditional values rooted in truth, trust and love are still keys to successful parenting.

Perceptions play an important role in the formation of values. Consider honesty. One man will not accept a bribe because he believes it is wrong. Another thinks he will be the odd one out if he refuses a bribe, because everybody is accepting bribes. His conscience is silenced with the numbers performing the act; the majority. The tragedy today is that we have lost our sense of wrong doing; our sense of sin; and therefore our values are warped. Because peer pressure will force our children to think differently and make compromises, we have to work harder to keep them on course, instilling in them some of the values listed below.

1) THE VALUE OF STANDING UP FOR OUR BELIEFS

"In a matter of principle, stand like a rock." Thomas Jefferson

A band of fierce men stormed a Chapel, somewhere in Columbia, just as Mass was to begin, and dragged the priest out. Then the Chief of the band questioned: "Is there any other Christian here?" A few stood up. They were also dragged out. In seconds gunfire was heard outside the Chapel. Returning, the Chief asked for the second time,
if there were any more Christians in the Chapel. In fear not one stood up. Angry and visibly disgusted, the Chief berated them: "If you cannot stand up for your beliefs, you have no right to be here". In moments he and his men disappeared. Coming out of the Chapel, the people saw the Priest and the others who were dragged out unharmed and smiling.

If we were in Chapel that day, what would we have done? Are we always zealous in defending our beliefs? Would our children stand up for what they believe? E.g.,would
they return to the owner a lost wallet, with a large sum of money in it? Would they support someone who is falsely accused? Would they expose foul play? Our children will find the courage to stand up, when they learn from us to stand up. When Conviction leads the way, Courage is close behind. We only hope that they will not choose to be neutral; because, being neutral where there is injustice, is choosing the wrong side. It is important that others know what we and our children stand up for; it is equally important that they know what we do not stand up for.

2) THE VALUE OF BEING HONEST

"No legacy is so rich as honesty." William Shakespeare

Roger Young was a janitor in Charleston, West Virginia, USA. One day he found an envelope on the shelf in a phone booth. At once he returned it to the owner, not knowing that it held $1000. When he learned of the money in the envelope, he said:
"I don't care if was one dollar or one million dollars. I wouldn't keep it". The children of Roger Young had every reason to celebrate their father, who belonged to a tribe of honest men which Alexander Pope likened to the 'noblest work of God'.

People mistakenly associate honesty only with being clean in matters of money. There is dishonesty in effort, when we do not labor enough for the wages we get. There is dishonesty in squandering company time on personal tasks. There is dishonesty in the denial and defense of wrong doing; in lying. When our children do not use their talents to live up to their potential, they are dishonest with themselves and God, the giver of those gifts. Dishonesty tries to get a toe-hold in their lives, when our children begin to lie over trifles. Alarm bells should ring. The idea of restitution seems old fashioned. Who does it now? But if our children are to understand the implications of honesty, they should know what restitution means. If we are responsible for loss to someone through willful wrong doing, honesty demands that we make good the loss. Such truths should be dinned into our children until they acknowledge that honesty is not just the best policy, but the only policy.

3) THE VALUE OF HUMILITY

"Humility is not denying the power you have. It is realizing that the power comes through you, not from you." Fred Smith

The Devil disguised himself as an angel and appeared to a holy man, saying that God had commissioned him to deliver a message to His holy servant, who seemed surprised and replied that the angel(devil)had the wrong address, because he had not done anything to deserve a visit by God's messenger. On getting this response the devil disappeared because he could not challenge a truly humble and holy man who recognized his limitations and God's limitless generosity.

F.B.Meyer fittingly describes the receiving of such gifts from God: "I used to think that God's gifts were on shelves, one above the other; and that the taller we grew in character, the easier it would be to reach them. I now find that God's gifts are on shelves one beneath the other; and that we have to go down, always down, to get His best gifts". The same lesson comes to us from the encounter of two farmers. A haughty farmer asked an old farmer: "Why don't you hold your head high, the way I do? I bow before neither God nor man". The old man replied: "Look at that field of grain. Only the empty heads stand up. Those that are full bend low". The lesson is that the humble person does not take offense or fight back. He is willing to take a lower place, keep quiet over his merits, bear insults and false accusations, for a higher purpose, in the footsteps of Jesus Christ. He knows that men around him cannot put him down, without his consent. Only his misdeeds can put him down.

When our children understand the values of honesty and humility, they will know that the qualities are knit closely. One cannot be separated from the other.

40) Attitudes (continued)

2009-07-14T13:52:00.010+08:00

3) THE POSITIVE ATTITUDE OF FINDING OPPORTUNITIES IN PROBLEMS

"We are faced with great opportunities, brilliantly disguised as impossible situations." Chuck Swindoll

Eileen Egan, who worked with the Missionaries of Charity for 30 years, writes of her experiences with the Sisters, in her book 'Such a Vision of the Street'. In it she recounts one of the important lessons she learned from Mother Teresa. When Eileen referred to any 'problem', Mother Teresa preferred the term 'gift'. After that, small problems became small gifts and big problems, big gifts. Once, when there was a long delay for a connecting flight at an airport, Eileen informed Mother of the 'gift'. Promptly the Living Saint composed herself and began to read her favorite book on meditations. No complaints; just an opportunity to do something useful. Peter Drucker, the management guru, made a sensible comment, when he wrote: "Results are obtained by exploiting opportunities, not by solving problems. All we can hope to get by solving problems is to restore normalcy". His wisdom is born of experience with Top Corporations.

When our children learn from us to convert a problem into an opportunity, they will see in the changed situation, a challenge to be conquered. In school, among playmates
or siblings, and just going through their daily routine, with the changed mindset, they become enthusiastic, resilient and full of hope; not complaining, sullen, spiteful and difficult. Wouldn't we want that?

4) THE POSITIVE ATTITUDE OF FACING ADVERSITY WITH DISCERNMENT

Courageously facing adversity is a sequel to finding opportunities in problems(pt 3).

An eagle senses a storm before it arrives. It will fly to a high level and wait for the winds to come. When the storm hits, the eagle sets its wings to let the wind pick
it up and lift it above the turbulence. While the storm rages below, the eagle is soaring above it. The eagle does not escape the storm; it simply uses the storm to lift it higher; to safety. Without intending to do so, the eagle teaches us a lesson.
When we are buffeted by the winds of adversity, we can rise above the storm and nestle in the safe arms of God. When we trust in His Power to lift us out of adversity, we shall not be blown away. Will it comfort us to know that others too face adversity? "Everyone is either coming out of a storm, in a storm or headed for
a storm", are the matter-of-fact words of Beecher Hicks Jr. And we can find hope in knowing that nothing lasts forever; not even our troubles.

Thomas Alva Edison's warehouse was burning. After the fire, he gathered his workers
and said to them: "We are going to rebuild. You can always build opportunity out of tragedy". Edison stood up well to the test Plutarch set: "The measure of a man is the way he bears up under misfortune". Are we teaching our children to turn stumbling
blocks into stepping stones?

For those of us who never stop complaining about the misfortunes that visit us, we must pay heed to the findings of a survey: 80% of those we complain to don't care, and 20% are glad that we have problems.

5) THE POSITIVE ATTITUDE OF BEING ACCOUNTABLE FOR OUR ACTIONS

"What is the greatest thought that has ever passed through your head?" someone asked
Daniel Webster. He answered: "My accountability to God".

At different times in life we are accountable to different people in authority over us - parents, teachers, bosses family and so on. But at all times we are accountable to God. It is our accountability to God that gives us a purpose and direction in life. Very early in their lives, children need to use a compass to set a direction for themselves; and find joy in doing things with responsibility. Jack Moffitt, in plain words explains why: "The thing that keeps you on the ground is responsibility, placed on your shoulders"; because without responsibility we are likely to take off,
to nowhere in particular. Being accountable does not take away our freedom; instead it gives meaning to freedom. Through responsible behavior we exercise self-control,
which in turn saves us from excesses. It restrains us from drifting. Responsible behavior makes us honest in acknowledging our actions; even the wrong ones. In the early years of childhood a sense of accountability should be instilled in their receptive minds; otherwise they are likely to form the habit of blaming others. Let us imagine a situation when responsibility is taken lightly. Teachers would not be accountable; so would students; so would people who escape responsibility for their actions. Then fair play, courtesy and kindness would disappear from the scene, and chaos would reign. Fear of such a situation should put us on red-alert.

6) THE POSITIVE ATTITUDE OF WORKING HARD

"Striving for success without hard work is like trying to harvest when you haven't planted." David Bly

The one time President of USA, Theodore Roosevelt, made it clear to Americans that when it came to work, there was only one type - hard work. He said: "When you work,work hard". Caught up with the charmed lives of Celebrities and the easy lives of VIPs, our children believe that they too could live in ease and plenty, without hard work and a struggle. So they begin early. At school they get others to do their home work, decide to cheat during tests(because they will not study for the tests) and look for others to carry their load. Unwittingly, parents become willing load bearers - carrying school bags, doing assignments and sparing children from chores at home. Henry Ford had a practical attitude to work, which we could transfer to our children: "Work is the only pleasure. It is only work that keeps me alive and makes life worth living". Will our children find pleasure in work? Will they find purpose and profit in responsibly doing work? That would depend on us.

Many years ago, I worked for a Multinational Corporation who appointed the first Indian Managing Director. He had an uninspiring background - an undergraduate who stammered and worked as a Stenographer. (In the old days a Stenographer took notes
from the boss in shorthand and typed out the text on his/her typewriter.) Despite his background, he had a dream and was ready to work for it. He worked hard to acquire knowledge in different areas of Management, passed different examinations, cleared difficult interviews and moved up jobs in the same company, through acclaimed performance, until the American Bosses found him to be the right candidate for the position of Managing Director. In the same company he rose from being Stenographer to MD. I know this is true, because I know the man. The Chinese were right: "The more plowing and weeding, the better the harvest".

39) Attitudes

2009-07-08T11:50:00.009+08:00

"The remarkable thing is that we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. I am convinced that life is 10% of what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. We are in charge of our attitudes." Chuck Swindoll

If we are in charge of our attitudes, and our children in charge of theirs, we need to know how they are formed. Scholars in Behavioral Studies propose that a child's mind is blank when she is born. That is why a new born is always good; no bad traits have been developed. In time, the Environment(Social Factors)start writing scripts for the child. Parents, Grandparents, Teachers, Siblings, and others with whom the child is in contact, keep writing scripts for her, through their words and actions. Rituals and Practices also get scripted. On the one hand, concern and affection for others, humility, honesty, courage, patience, neatness and love of God get registered. On the other hand, disregard or scant respect for others, pride, dishonesty, anger, fear, pettiness, disorderliness and materialism find a place in the child's mind. Someone wisely said: "Heredity does not equip a child with proper attitudes; children learn what they are taught". Since the teaching comes from Social Factors in the child's life, it is called Social Programming(SP). As the child grows, her experiences lead her to accept or reject parts of the SP. Such reasoning results in Individual Programming(IP). Honesty is good, she reasons, but it can get you into trouble sometimes. So the best policy, she figures, is to act based on circumstances. With daddy speak the truth. With mummy a little departure will not be noticed; or, if noticed, easily forgiven. The balancing of her SP and IP
gives her a set of beliefs and attitudes; her set of rules which will govern her behavior. This not static. With new experiences, the balance between SP and IP shifts.

The Oxford Dictionary defines attitude as 'a way of thinking or feeling about someone or something'. In simple terms it is a disposition, a tendency, an inclination. Gordon Allport, the renowned Psychologist, defined attitudes as 'learned
predispositions to respond to persons/things in a consistently favorable or unfavorable way'. What do these definitions mean? That 1)attitudes are learned, 2) they are born of experiences, and 3)they precede and produce behavior. Clement Stone
gets to the core of the subject when he writes: "There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative". Which suggests that we as parents could be responsible for some of the negative attitudes our children develop. That should put us on guard. Positive attitude is so important for job applicants that interviewers apportion 85% weight to it in the evaluation process. The jobs and careers of our children could be at stake, if their negative attitudes tip 15%.

There is hope in the words of William James: "The greatest discovery of my generation
is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind". That is great news. Through the irresponsibility of some, if our children develop some negative attitudes, the good thing is that those can be changed. Think of the act of cleaning dirty clothes. The clothes are unchanged; only the dirt is washed away. Likewise, the souls of our children do not change; only the negative attitudes
can be washed away. How? By a decision to drain out the negatives and replace them with positives. Draining alone will not do; filling must follow. A difficult task; but with our help, children should succeed.

Attitudes affect our lives and the lives of our children in many ways and in big ways. Now, we shall address a few important concerns.
1) THE POSITIVE ATTITUDE OF MANAGING 'THOUGHT PROCESS'.
Written into Buddhist texts, 2500 years before Jesus Christ, is the Law of Attraction, which states that 'what you think is what you get'. The choice rests with us to entertain good or bad thoughts; we have the option to say 'no' to bad thoughts. With this power vested in us and in our children, we can help them censor unkind thoughts and encourage kind thoughts; delete accusing thoughts and enter supporting thoughts, and so on. When our children learn to exercise this choice wisely, they are filling their minds with the right attitudes.
2) THE POSITIVE ATTITUDE OF WANTING TO UNLEARN AND LEARN.
A smart young fellow asked an old farmer how much education he had. The farmer replied: "Six years of schooling and 70 years of learning". The rustic wisdom of the farmer strikes us with the force of the wind blowing through his farms. Learning comes, not just from schools and Institutions of knowledge, but from every experience, inviting us to unlearn at times, before we learn anew. That prompted Mark Twain to caution us: "We should be able to get out of an experience all the wisdom that is in it". To act on what experience teaches us is what matters. Because we have grown in years does not mean that our learning is superior to one who is young in years. From the young, which would include our children, we could learn, if we have the attitude to learn. Our children could profit from the experiences of the old and young, when we teach them to be open to learning and unlearning. The 'I know'
attitude is perilous.

38) The Golden Rule (continued)

2009-07-07T14:00:00.007+08:00

"There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world, than for bread."
Mother Teresa

As a Corporate Trainer, I have had many sessions with Senior Managers. During one such session, a Senior Manager posed me a problem: "I have a team of 25 people reporting to me. With 24 I have really no problems; but one is unmanageable. What do I do?" After some thought I answered him: "I do not know your team mate, so I cannot offer a solution. But I have a few questions. Would you be willing to answer them?" "Yes", was the prompt reply. "What are the weaknesses, the minus points of this person?" The Manager stood up with a smile, since he was on home ground, and listed not less than 10 weak points. My next question was:"Does he have at least one strong(one plus)point?" "No", was the abrupt reply, "he has three". The three were listed. "Did you speak to him about his strong points?" I queried. "No", the Manager answered. I continued: "I do not have a solution to your problem. You have it." The Manager sat down slowly, and brightened up as he did. One month later I received a call from him. He put it briefly: "It worked". Praise worked. No wonder Mark Twain was happy to admit: "I can live for two months on one good compliment". Two months, just for a few words! That is some power! If praise is so powerful, why are we miserly in giving it? And when we praise, we do it so grudgingly, as though we were parting with something of immense value to us.

Dale Carnegie exhorted us to " be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise". And Samuel Johnson was emphatic when he wrote: "The applause of a single human being is of consequence". Despite these urgings, we know that people are praised profusely only at condolence and farewell meetings, and not when we live and work with them. When we know that praise works wonders, why are we so niggardly?
Perhaps our cussedness is to blame. We believe, wrongly, that by praising others we are diminished. Or, again wrongly, that praise can pervert a person; make him vain.
These are unsound arguments. Through praise when we make others feel good, our image
is enhanced, not diminished. And, if we are not perverted when we receive praise, why
do we fear that others will become vain with praise? Our defense against giving praise is porous. Compliments may seem like much 'air'; like air that goes into our car tires. On life's highway those praise-filled tires can carry us a long way. A lot of people have traveled much farther than they thought they would, because someone thought they could. It follows, that without exception, we all hunger for praise. The good part is that such hunger can be satisfied without a repast; without spending a dime.

Take a rubber ball and bounce it. It comes to hand. Bounce it again. Again it comes to hand. Praise follows a similar pattern. The more we give of it, the more of it comes back to us, not necessarily from the same people we praise. The habit creates an aura around us, which people notice and respond to heartily. Praise is like motoring down a two way street; as one compliment heads north, another is traveling south.

Are there any guidelines in giving praise? YES.
1) Praise should not be confused with flattery. Flattery is favorable, but untrue comment. Praise is favorable and true comment. We should pause to consider the Greek Proverb: "Many know how to flatter; few understand how to praise".
2) Give praise immediately. When we hear a good word or witness a good action, we should praise the person without delay.
3) Praise should be specific, not general. "That was a good talk", is general. "I liked your talk for its content, structure and anecdotes", is specific.
4) Praise often. The hunger for praise is never fully satisfied.
5) Praise in the presence of others, because the appreciative glances of those around
will add weight to the praise given.
6) Praise must match the level of performance. E.g.,'excellent' for a good performance, or 'very good' for an average performance are mismatched. When we praise, our honesty is also on test.

Counselors point out that a transaction which begins with a sincere compliment, seldom ends in an argument, because praise ignites a flame of goodwill which is not easily extinguished. Without doubt, our children should learn how to praise and realize that it is the second most effective tool(the first being Forgiveness, post 37), in building relationships.

While much can be said in favor of giving and receiving praise, we should not lose sight of a camouflaged negative. In post 32(childhood)we referred to this minor problem. Goldsmith has the right words to describe the problem: "He who seeks applause from without, has all his happiness in another's keeping". The craving for applause is so strong in some that they are likely to force it out of others through
stage-managed situations, contrived performances and faked results. In other words, they live each moment expecting praise and are deeply distressed when they do not receive it. Such people hanker for praise because of a sense of insecurity. They can free themselves from the shackles of insecurity through an act of will: Praise is welcome, but not the only route to happiness. Our children should steer clear of such traps. They must know that a good thought, word and deed are rewards in themselves. Praise is just the bonus, which may or may not be received.

37) The Golden Rule

2009-07-01T11:58:00.008+08:00

"In everything do to others, as you would have them do to you." Matt.7:12
"Do naught to others, which if done to thee would cause thee pain." Hindu Philosophy
"What is hurtful to yourself, do not do to your fellowmen." Jewish Talmud
"What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others." Confucius
"Regard your neighbor's gain as your own gain, and regard your neighbor's loss as your own loss." Taoist saying
The purpose of reproducing the five quotations, on the same thought, is to highlight
their universal appeal, not bound by religion or culture.

When we compare human interaction to a coin, on the one side, we have kind thoughts, words and deeds, which merit praise; on the other side, we have unkind thoughts, words and deeds, which crave forgiveness. Put differently, Praise and Forgiveness are the secrets to successful interactions; the essence of the Golden Rule. If only we affirm that we yearn for praise when we perform well and expect encouragement in our struggle, we can relate to the same 'longing' in others. Just as we want forgiveness for our lapses and misdeeds, others too hope to have their wrongs forgiven, though such forgiveness is not always requested. The Golden Rule is the practical expression of God's command that we love one another. When we love one another, we will find ways to demonstrate that love through praise and forgiveness. Seneca gave definite meaning to this situation, when he wrote: "Whenever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness"; there is an opportunity for kindness through praise and forgiveness; there is an opportunity to live the Golden Rule.

If this belief is rooted in us, we will find ways to canalize it to our children, who will need it in every situation of their lives. This responsibility cannot be passed to schools or to Moral Instructors; it rests with us. In instructing our children, we could learn from an ancient Hawaiian family ritual of forgiveness, conducted once a year, or more often, if necessary. The head of the family calls everyone together. All who wish to be part of that family come. The first part of the rite is a prayer that everyone present be honest and open. The ancient Hawaiians
believed that truthfulness and sincerity had to be rocks on which relationships were
built. After the prayer, the head of the family starts on the second part - an honest
admission of all wrongdoings, grievances and resentments. If restitution is in order, it is done immediately, or plans are made to have it done in the near future.
The third part of the rite is forgiveness. Hawaiians view this part as the release
from all tension, resentment and guilt, in the family. Then the head of the family makes it clear that the disputes in the family are over, finished and forgotten, never to be brought up again. The person forgiven no longer bears the burden of guilt; the person forgiving no longer carries the weight of resentment. They know that they need God's help, so the ritual ends with a prayer that love and God's peace reside in the family. What strikes us in this edifying ritual is that the family(not just an individual), has honesty of purpose, courage to admit to wrongdoing, sincerity and nobility in forgiving misdeeds and the resolve to forget what is forgiven. Would to God that Modern Society emulated the Hawaiians! Peace would reign.

Goethe's logic adds substance to what we have seen. "I see no fault that I might not have committed myself." We are vulnerable; so are others. When such kind thoughts occupy our minds, we will be less harsh in condemning others who err.

Retribution, the opposite of forgiveness, does not make sense, for good reason:
1) From experience we know that retaliation is possible only with those who are weaker than we are. With those who are powerful(e.g.,the boss)we are afraid to take revenge because of adverse consequences. So, spitting venom on the weak exposes our weakness and cowardice. Certainly, we do not want our children to be labelled 'cowards'.
2) Medical findings prove that stoking grudges in our hearts, burns up our health, ruins our performance and unsettles our disposition. Therefore it does make sense to drain out grudges and fill our hearts with forgiveness and goodwill. When our children learn to forgive, they will enjoy better health and better relationships.
3) Vengeance is a never ending business. A family feud passes from father to son, to son. When will it stop? The 100 years war in England, which went on mindlessly, just to settle scores, proved nothing. Let us pledge that our children will not receive
a baggage of vengeance from us, as a legacy.
4) Retaliation is another form of 'stooping to conquer'. We descend from the pedestals, we imagine we occupy, to indulge in murderous plots. Certainly not in good taste; not becoming of us who espouse nobler aspirations. Let our bad example not corrupt our children.

The reasons could go on. We shall put an end to them citing the example of the Korean mother, whose only son was killed, stabbed 17 times. She was filled with rage and hate and wished all kinds of harm to befall the killer, until she reluctantly joined a prayer meeting. As she prayed for consolation, she was inspired to stand up and shout forgiveness. Then in a change of heart, she visited the killer in prison to tell him of her plan to adopt him as her son. Imagine the turmoil in the mind of the killer!

We need God's help to forgive. He is never found wanting. Our children need our help
to learn how to forgive. Will we be found wanting?

36) The Art of Giving

2009-06-29T13:27:00.009+08:00

"The price of living is giving." Paul Adams

When the earthquake struck China in May 2008, many people performed heroic acts; one less known is reproduced here. Xu Chao(60), homeless and poor, was in Nanjing(1000 miles from the quake zone), when he read of the tragedy, and the relief work set in motion. He responded by donating 5 yuan in the morning. By late afternoon he donated another 100 yuan. He had only coins, which he exchanged for big bills to save the volunteers the trouble of counting coins. This donation came from a man who did not have money to buy food for himself. "When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing." Anon

An equally touching story comes from Singapore, where maids work part time in different homes, when they cannot get full time employment. Joanne is one such maid. She herself is in need, but decides to share her 'half-a-loaf' with an unemployed friend, whom she invites to share the work she gets. By doing that, she divides her earnings in two, keeping half and giving the other half to her needy friend. Winston
Churchill gave words to this spirit when he wrote: "We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give".

As part of Parental Instructions, are we teaching our children such lessons in 'giving'? Or, do we tell them that they may give only from the surpluses they generate? Do 'giving' and 'sacrificing' figure on the list of virtues that children should imbibe, against their natural tendency to be selfish? We could begin by explaining to them what Muhammad(570-632AD) meant, when he said: "A man's true wealth
is the good that he does in this world, to his fellows". Notice that 'money' does not find a place in his statement.

Children fix the label 'mine' to what they see and that which they can lay their hands on; my Pepsi, my gun, my doll and so on. Even siblings are excluded from ownership. It is for us parents to wean our children away from selfish thoughts and habits, by seizing every opportunity to show them that 'sharing' is a better option to 'clinging'. The rich man, who died leaving behind a huge fortune, did not get this lesson. When he reached the gates of heaven, he met Saints Gabriel and Peter.
Gabriel asked the rich man what he had done for others with all the wealth at his disposal. The rich man quickly recounted the good deeds he had done on earth. Once, he gave a penny to a starving man; another time, he gave a penny to a blind boy; and on a third occasion, he gave a penny to a poor old widow. Saint Peter who heard the rich man told Saint Gabriel: "Give him three pennies and send him to hell". The story is allegoric, but the message is profound. Rousseau paraphrases the message brilliantly: "When a man dies, he carries in his clenched hands only that which he has given away".

If children continue with their selfish and clinging ways, they will turn out to be brutes who tread on others to gain control and aggressively have their way. Such traits will not be countenanced later, when they will have to share their lives with another person. Many Counselors lament the selfishness they find in spouses, which leads to irreconcilable differences, and to divorce. In the Corporate World, team spirit and shared responsibilities are not just oft-quoted mantras, but important yardsticks to measure the usefulness of employees. HR professionals fret over self-centered employees who put spokes in the wheel of motion. Do we want our children to wreck their marriages or stunt their career growth?

Many virtues sprout from the seed of 'giving'. With 'giving' planted in their hearts,
our children will readily forgive the lapses of those they live and work with. They will show compassion for those in distress and reach out to them like Xu Chao and Joanne. They will joyfully praise others for their good qualities and performances. They will respect fair play. They will realize that 'giving' is the oil that takes the friction out of life. After much study Antony Robbins wrote: "The only way a relationship will last is, if you see your relationship as a place you go to give, and not as a place that you go to take".

Through a chance meeting with a few young men, I was enriched, when they added meaning to 'giving'. My family and I were to go to a late night movie. They would join me later at the complex, in time for the show. I drove to the complex and was dismayed to find that I had a flat tire just as I entered the parking area. Suddenly there was a power breakdown at the complex, and I was left in the dark with a car I could not drive. Moments later, a few college students drove up in a car and saw me struggle with the tools. They kept their car headlights on and offered to change the flat tire. In minutes they had the job done. Why did they choose to help a stranger?
They gained nothing from me but a 'thank you'. Perhaps those young men came from homes where 'giving' meant more than just giving a little money to the needy.

35) God comes first

2009-06-24T12:00:00.009+08:00

"The most beautiful system of sun, planets and comets, could only proceed from the counsel and dominion of an intelligent and powerful Being. This Being governs all things, not as the soul of the world, but as Lord over all; and on account of His dominion, He is wont to be called Lord God." Sir Issac Newton

In a world that is becoming more and more materialistic, the very existence of God is questioned. Unlike Sir Issac Newton, one of the super-greats in the pantheon of scientists, who had no doubts, some of us tend to rely on our expanding capabilities
and on the marvels worked by science and technology, to arrive at a conclusion that perhaps we could get along without God, even if He did exist. Indeed, the beliefs that relate to God are numerous. Bertrand Russell, a Philosopher and professed atheist, had a belief which he expressed with no ambiguity: "Unless you assume a God, the question of life's purpose is meaningless". And the Jewish girl, in a Warsaw Ghetto, who escaped the Germans during the war, wrote: "I believe in God, even when He is silent". To those who ask for logical answers to questions on God and Religion, we have only one answer: God and Religion are not against reason, but some parts of both are beyond the grasp of reason. How can we empty the ocean into our cupped palms? How much more difficult it is for finite capabilities to comprehend Infinite Wisdom and Love? How can a five year old understand Atomic Physics? The fact that he does not understand it, does not make it a lie. As for us and our children, there is no debate. God is the center of our lives.

In posts 9,10,11, we referred to Parental Instructions. We shall now expand on that subject, beginning with the first and most important instruction - God comes first.

Charles H.Spurgeon told this story of his grandfather, who was a poor Minister attached to a small Church. The one cow he owned had died and his ten children were without milk. His wife asked him: "What will we do?" He said: "I cannot tell; but I know what God will do. We must have milk for the children and He will provide". The next morning a man brought Spurgeon's grandfather a gift of 20 pounds, from the
Minister's Relief Fund, even though help had not been requested. A few days before,
the Relief Committee had divided the funds for distribution and an amount of 5 pounds was left over. One of the members suggested: "There is a poor Mr Spurgeon down in Essex. Suppose we send it to him?" "We'd better make it ten", said the Chairman, "and I'll give another five". That made it fifteen. Another member added 5 to make it 20. These men knew nothing of Spurgeon's dead cow, but God knew. The old Minister firmly believed in what someone confidently wrote: "When the Lord leaves you at the edge of the cliff, trust Him; either He will catch you when you fall, or He will teach you to fly".

Honestly, how deeply do we believe in God's love for us, which F.B.Meyer likened to the 'Amazon River flowing down to water a single daisy'. Do we believe that He is LOVE itself; that His mercy is without end; that His power goes well beyond our imagination; that we can anchor our lives in the Sea of His Love? When we know that,
we will teach our children to believe in what we believe. Then they will believe.

Why is it that we profess faith in God, yet do not live God-centered lives? Perhaps our perceptions of God are different from who He really is. Some of us see Him as a Taskmaster and Tyrant and therefore live in terror; some perceive Him as one who has to be appeased with gifts, to win favors; and some see Him as the Genie whom they want to command, to actualize their wishes. Often what we ask Him will do us harm. He sees it; we do not. Therefore He chooses to protect us from the consuming flames of avarice and selfishness. Because He does not grant all our wishes, He falls out of favor, and we replace Him with false gods - Power,Passion,Pleasure,Possessions. When we lift this poisoned chalice to our expectant lips, we must know that slow death awaits us. Paradoxically, even when we forsake Him, He follows us and tries to restore us to safety. The reassuring words of William Cowper tell us why: "Man may dismiss compassion from his heart, but God never will". What a God we have!

The trouble with many of us is that we fashion a God to match human likeness. We tend to project human limitations on Him. Since we harbor grudges and are unforgiving, we imagine He acts in the same way. We misuse the gift of 'free will' to turn against Him; and when things go wrong we accuse Him of neglect. Must a good God suffer at out hands because we lack understanding and charity; because it is easy to pass a verdict on Him? If only we admitted our folly and acknowledged the real loving and merciful God, we would have more meaning in our lives. Our children would see in us examples they would want to emulate.

So, how do we relate to God? Through surrender and contrite prayer. Someone gave surrender a beautiful touch, when he wrote: "When you have nothing left but God, you become aware that He is enough". And Samuel Taylor Coleridge gave us a rich insight into prayer, when he wrote: "He prayeth best, who loveth best". Love whom? God and our fellowmen; two sides of the same coin. So, when we pray and when we teach out children to pray, we cannot forget 'others'. When our children learn to include others in their prayers, they will learn to respect and serve others, starting with those at home.

A student visiting his popular classmate saw a home-made plaque in his room, with the words: 'I am third'. Asked to explain, he said: "That is my motto. It means God comes first; others are second; and I am third". Certainly his parents taught him a lesson that endeared him to God and those around him.

34) Stages in growth - Adolescence

2009-06-22T18:47:00.007+08:00

"Puberty is the time when teens look at their feelings and want more time to themselves. It is not possible to search for an identity and still cling on to parents as before. Nine out of ten times, the child will not cling." Dr.Kit Ng, Psychologist

The third stage, adolescence(13-21), which includes the troubled teens, is perhaps the most difficult period for children and parents. At this time, children seem vulnerable, irritable and susceptible to different influences, chief of which is body chemistry. Girls, in the age group 9 to 13, passing through puberty are affected by the hormone Oestrogen. Boys, in the age group 10 to 15, passing through puberty undergo changes brought about by the hormone Testosterone. These hormones trigger changes in the minds and bodies of the children.

Teens are associated with loud, heavy metal music, garish clothes and unruly behavior. They try in different ways to establish an identity for themselves; but parents think that they use the wrong means. The different perceptions of parents and teens result in a rather tense relationship. The fact is that teens want to conform to standards set by both parents and peers, but get pulled by stronger peer-attraction. Adolescence, they say, is that period in life when a youngster apologizes to his friends for having old-fashioned parents. This peer-tendency is confirmed by research findings. A Gallup Survey of 48,000 teenagers found that 87% of them are influenced most by friends and only 51% by the home. Surprisingly, only 13% said that they were influenced by religion. It is not difficult to understand that raising teens is a distressing time for parents, when all that they try fails and they are truly 'foxed'. One mother complains: "I don't know how to get to him". She suspects that there is a huge wall separating her son from her; the kind of wall that the following letter suggests.
"Dear Mum and Dad,
We can never seem to have a decent parent-child talk. I apologize if this seems a little insensitive, but your 'I'm always right' attitude results in out never ending
quarrels. Well, I'm an individual who wants to see more freedom, despite the dangers out there. I am aware that this is one of your worries. But, one way or the other, I'm going to face reality. So, why not now? Even if I do get hurt, I'll pull myself together and carry on. Isn't that what life is about?
Signed: Silenced." (Letter taken from The Straits Times, Singapore, June 29,2005)

Although most parents shun exercising authority, teens need a structure put in place by responsible parents. Research has shown that 80-90% of teens who do not have parental authority in their lives, get into drugs, take to alcohol, get drawn to bad company and are reported to school/police on behavioral problems. It reinforces the point that parents just cannot give up, even if teens answer back or reject them. One mother uses the term 'tough love' for parental behavior at such times. She adds:
"Stay firm but loving, after setting the right example". She continues: "establish clear limits to what is acceptable and what is not". These limits take the form of a to-do list.

1) Watch for symptoms of trouble. Spot them early. Violent mood swings tell their own tale.
2) Take one problem at a time. Be calm. Do not over react.
3) Define the problem in terms they understand and relate to e.g., coming home late at night - how it affects them and not the family.
4) Objectively discuss a solution to the problem, after examining options. Prepare for the discussion, doing home-work on likely objections. Listen carefully to what is said and unsaid; words and feelings. Look for an appropriate compromise, when that is the best way out.
5) Implement the plan with the help of the rest of the family. Let no one in the family use the term 'rebel or rebellious'. It could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
6) Don't get arm twisted or emotionally blackmailed.
7) Be patient. Results will eventually follow. Occasionally, look at the funny side,
when we, in our teens had our set of problems.
8) Never give up.

Chastened by a life-transforming experience, a sage spoke to his small band of followers. One day he had a visitor just at mealtime, whom he invited to share his simple meal. When the sage began to say a prayer before the meal, the visitor swore at God and refused to join in the prayer. The angry sage showed the man the door. That night, in a vision, God spoke with the sage: "This man has been cursing and swearing at me for many years; yet I have lovingly fed and cared for him over the years. Could you not show him some understanding, just for one meal?" What would we answer God if He asked us the same question, but in different words: "Look, only 13%
of young people show some interest in me. Yet I care for all of them day after day;
no exceptions. Can you not show some understanding with the one or two you have?"

33) Schooling

2009-06-17T12:34:00.006+08:00

"The heart of education is the education of the heart. We must help our students to become really good human beings, have the right values, and live for something worthwhile. Academic life is important, but by itself, it is really inadequate."
Fr. Sebastian - Principal of a highly respected school.

A teacher gave her class a maths problem involving a leaking tap. One student finished fast, scribbling a number on the answer sheet. The teacher was intrigued. "What is this number?" she demanded. "Our plumber's phone number", was the 'smart' reply. Often intelligent children imagine that they can outsmart others; even teachers and parents. That is good reason we should pay heed to the wise words of Fr.Sebastian, as he continues:"In fact, if we are not careful, we could turn out successful egotists, or deeply corrupt professionals, who did well in our schools".

How do parents respond to Fr.Sebastian's words of caution?
1) By realizing that in schools the focus is more on knowledge and skills, and less on values. Schools are pressured into producing top results in examinations. So, they
coach children into performing well in those areas.
2) Modern schools have displaced the old 'Guru' system, where the child received knowledge, skills and moral instructions from the same Guru; where the student was molded into a better human being.
3) It follows that, the child now receives schooling in schools and education of the heart at home. Therefore parents cannot abdicate their responsibility to schools, just because they pay hefty fees; they cannot relinquish their roles of round-the -clock instructors and character-builders. Sharpening their skills, parents should keep abreast of what happens to their children in school; building on some good ideas, correcting some and refuting a few. With children drawn from different homes in the same class, some negative pictures could be on show.

One teacher puts things aptly:"Too many parents are quick to back off when kids object or complain. They bail them out of tough spots and make excuses or give in, when the going gets tough. Kids are a long term investment, and parents have to stop making short term decisions about them". Recognizing the long term partnership between home and school, parents should be careful in the choice of the school their children will attend; not necessarily a top school, but a good school which makes time for value-instruction and where teachers are a good example to students. Through
this partnership, between home and school, the self-worth of the child is developed;
the very self-worth which will determine the kind of relationships she will build. Will she scorn the less-privileged and resent the mentally-challenged? Will she lay much store by wealth and possessions and compromise on the means to acquire them?
Will she trample the feelings of others, including those of her parents? Will she install false Gods of Pride and Self-importance in her heart? The possibilities are mind-boggling and scary. The onus is back on the parents, to be vigilant always and protect their children from decadent influences, trusting in God's Infinite Mercy.

Some parents think that starting school earlier than the rest, makes children smarter. It is better for such parents to watch the regular and sustained growth of their children, than find short cuts to get ahead. Another false belief is that tuition solves problems for children who have difficulty with some subjects. When parents push children into tuition classes they admit:a) that they are defaulting in their roles of parent-teachers, and b) that they want an easy way out. It is not that tuition has to be ruled out; such classes could help a few children in special cases, for a limited period. Tuition is not a panacea.

Team activities at school organized to foster team spirit, should be brought into play at home when children interact with siblings and playmates. The Chinese proverb explains the lesson in typical outdoor language:"Only when all contribute their firewood, can they build a strong fire". Another lesson from school, on continually raising the bar and conditioning the mind to succeed, should be reinforced at home through the example that parents set. Children should visualize success as Bruce Jenner, the American Athlete did. In the Montreal Olympics(1976) he won the Decathlon Gold. The astonishing part was that he won every event in the decathlon. A phenomenal effort by any standard! How did he achieve it? Over his bed he had pictures of him winning each event. He fed himself those images in the morning, as he got out of bed; in the night as he settled into bed, and several times during the day. Those images were not erased as he participated in each event. His mind would not let him fail.

32) Stages in growth - Childhood

2009-06-15T13:08:00.009+08:00

"Give me children until they are seven and anyone can have them afterwards".
Francis Xavier

What Francis Xavier is trying to tell us is that, once the child is seven and molded, she can take on the world. The same thought is expressed in Proverbs 22:6: "Train a boy in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it". Although Francis Xavier specifies seven, let us settle for twelve, which is the time the child moves out of childhood into adolescence. Obviously, the childhood years are crucial. That is why this blog is titled: The Child is Father of the Man. What the child is, the man will become.

Stage two Childhood(3-12), is the time when children look up to parents, both mother and father, for every need. Time spent with them is very important; more important than gifts, because when parents give children time and effort, they are giving part of themselves, not gifts that money can buy. Instructions, at such times, have a huge impact on children because they believe that parents can do little or no wrong, and can be implicitly trusted. In this phase, parents will have to chop and change their inputs to suit the needs of each unique child; yet never overdraw from the deposits made into each love-bank.

There are many suggestions offered by experienced parenting Guides on how to motivate
children in stage two, but one that guarantees results is so simple that it is not given its rightful place. What is this simple suggestion?

A certain African Tribe has a strange Practice. When any member of the Tribe is guilty of a serious lapse, he/she is called out at night and made to stand in the center of a large circle. The people of the village crowd outside the circle and join in a chant, led by the Tribal Chief. Then a ceremony begins. Starting with the
Chief, right down to the youngest in the village(who is articulate), the good deeds of the guilty person are praised. All his/her acts of kindness, courage and wisdom are recalled. That done, they recite a short prayer and return to their homes. Not a single unkind word is uttered. The power of praise is set in motion.

It is the power of praise that parents have to tap. That is why Haim Ginott writes:
"If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others". Don't stop by telling others; tell the children too. They revel in praise and respond admirably. The suggestion to praise children is great, but there is a catch. Will the child perform good acts like helping an old lady across the street, picking up a book someone dropped and holding open a door for an older person to pass, only for praise? Would the child do a good deed if no one noticed? That is the test. Parents should gently, but surely guide the child into believing that the good deed is a reward in itself; praise is only the bonus.
There are times when the child has to be chided for wrong doing. At such times, begin by praising her for the good deeds done earlier(African Tribe style)and then show her how she can improve, guarding her self-respect at all times.

As the child is exposed to others, peer pressure builds. She will want to do her hair, dress and behave like others. Three cartoons, showing a little fellow speaking to his father depict current child behavior.
Frame 1:'So its a deal. I get 20% increase in pocket money'.
Frame 2:'Fine with me if you want to spend quality time with me. But I'll control
quality'.
Frame 3:'You always ask me about my school report. How come you never tell me what
your boss thinks of you?'
What comes through is that the little fellow in the cartoons did not have any respect for his father. It is likely that he learned such behavior from those in his age group. Parents have to guard against such peer influence negating inputs from home. In these and similar circumstances, disciplining becomes a priority. In posts 12 and 13 we referred to disciplining, the tricky part in parenting. Children should know that parents are in charge. If they mistakenly believe that they have taken over, parents have lost their place and will find it difficult to regain it. Parents must say 'No', when that is the right answer and stand by what they say, not to prove a point, but in the child's interest. E.g.,when she wants to scribble on the wall or on her palm, 'No' from her parents should result in obedience and not a discussion or a tantrum. If parents show weakness, children will exploit that weakness. Also, buying children things each time parents are out shopping, will lead to habits difficult to change.

Train children through dialogue. Encourage children to ask questions and be ready to answer them. When the answer is not known, promise to find out and give it to them.
Once children get into the habit of asking questions, they are truly on the way to self-development. From each experience she should be able to ask herself what she gained. By the time she is 7-8, she should be able to connect different experiences and form a pattern of behavior. E.g.,her concept of cleanliness and orderliness should include polishing her shoes and tying her shoe laces, without help from her parents. By the time she is 12, she should do her mother proud by being an accomplished hostess at her birthday party.

31) The girl child

2009-06-10T18:43:00.009+08:00

"What society does to its children, so will its children do to society." Cicero

A not-so-young woman, ridden with guilt, was in tears as she recalled an experience, sixteen years ago. When she was pregnant she prayed, like never before, that she should have a son. When she gave birth to a daughter, she was devastated. "It was a funeral to me, and not the birth of a child", she confessed. For three days she refused to touch her baby girl. So strong was her resentment, that she rather have the child dead. The child grew up knowing that she was unwanted and unloved, and was deeply resentful of her mother. The distance between the two increased to the point that the daughter left home, when still very young. With that the mother knew that she had lost her daughter forever. The death that she wanted, when the child was born, occurred without a funeral.

This is not an uncommon story. It is retold in different ways. In some communities the birth of a girl child is seen as 'bad luck' or a 'major misfortune', so much so, a wife who does not give her husband a boy child is set aside, for a new one. Mothers and grandmothers conspire to poison or suffocate to death a new born, innocent and defenseless girl child, without asking themselves the question: "What if my mother had to poison me because I was born a girl?" The paradox is that a woman does it to one of her kind.

For centuries, in different countries, in different communities the girl child has been deprived of love, proper food, the right medical attention and burdened with chores too heavy for her age. Open bias in favor of the boy child has destroyed the self-esteem of his sister. In some communities the young girl is married to an old man, for a price, or sold into prostitution. The girl child has suffered too long, in mind and body, because of her gender. Today she is giving it back to society, although the social evil is not eradicated. Cicero was right. Society treated the girl child badly, and she is in no mood to forgive. She demands freedom of choice and life-style. She dresses as she pleases and behaves defiantly, if only to spite those who tried to control her. Her exaggerated need for freedom drives a wedge between herself and her spouse. Her desperate need to be on equal or better terms than her husband, leaves a trail of crises - one spawning another. Children born in such families suffer. What the mother endured in one form, she inflicts on her children, in another form, through her selfishness. How bitterly society pays for its crimes!

Many families with such lopsided thinking could learn a lesson from a Japanese Practice. The Shimogama Shrine in Kyoto, Japan, holds a ceremony, every March, at which parents release straw baskets, carrying dolls, into the stream, praying for the safety and happiness of their much loved daughters. The doll festival is called Hina Matsuri.

NOTE: Perhaps you have noticed that in the posts so far, I referred to the child as 'he'. No gender bias was intended. It was only usage of 'he' instead of 'he/she'. In the posts that follow you will observe that I refer to the child as 'she', to balance the usage.

30) Stages in growth - Infancy

2009-06-08T12:17:00.014+08:00

Whenever God creates a person, He whispers to the infant:"You are my favorite. I have never made such a beautiful person before. I am not going to make another so beautiful again. You are simply unique". Arabian Proverb

Some specialists, in child rearing, maintain that children(boys and girls)pass through three stages. Stage one:Infancy, the first two years; Stage two:Childhood, 3 to 12; Stage three:Adolescence, 13 to 21. Anticipating changes in children, parents have to keep adapting at each stage. Following the same methods and style for the three stages, would bankrupt the bank of love.

In infancy(stage one), the mother sends strong signals of security to the child when:
a) she presses her infant to herself, b) she maintains face to face contact with the child, c) her verbalization to or about the child is positive, and d) she promptly and correctly responds to the needs of the child. The child senses how strongly the mother is attached to him. A survey done some years ago in India, in Maternity Homes, revealed that Nurses accidentally dropped new born babies. Surprisingly, there was not a single case of a mother dropping her infant, even if she was in her teens. The finding only confirmed what we know, that a mother would never drop her child; literally or figuratively.

At birth a chord unites the mother with her baby. From the moment the chord is cut, the child is separate; to be treated as a different person; an unique individual. He must be taught to be self-reliant, not helpless; and not be suffocated by his mother's possessive love. To develop the infant's potential and skills, the mother can resourcefully try the following options: 1) talk to her baby, in the womb, and after birth; make him feel wanted and loved. Such talking helps babies develop their own vocabulary. Most of them, by the time they are three, learn to form short, clear sentences. 2) Let them listen to music to enjoy melody and rhythm. Soon they will identify familiar tunes. 3) Encourage them to explore, rooms in the home, toys and things he can reach, as long as they are not dangerous to handle. 4) Label things as the green car, the red fire-engine and so on. Very early he will learn to identify common colors. 5) Cheer him as he tries new activities. 6) Hug him often.

We cannot adequately stress the importance of cleanliness. Keeping the child clean and the home clean are not negotiable requirements. Despite all precautions, babies will fall ill. They will catch a cold, have a bout of coughing, run a fever, suffer from a stomach upset, cry from colic, be peevish because of sleeplessness and so on.
Some mothers are crazed with anxiety when their babies fall ill. This is unnecessary
and unwise, because anxiety clouds the mind. Instead, find a good doctor who is genuinely interested in children and can empathize with anxious parents; and stick with him/her, unless the services of a specialist are required. Follow the doctor's advice. Avoid administering drugs to the child without doctor's approval. Only when parents know what drugs are specific to medical conditions, know their potency and side effects, should they attempt giving the child even the common over-the-counter
(OTC) Products. Watch the height and weight of the child to ensure that at no stage his growth is stunted. Very early get his sight and hearing checked. Guard against ear, nose and throat infections, to which children are prone. Also, check with the doctor on the need for vitamins. Experienced mothers are likely to come up with suggestions. Give them a patient hearing, but check with the doctor before trying anything different, even if it is time-tested. Please do not give the child a Soother(pacifier). A soother is habit-forming, delays the child's ability to speak, and fills the child's stomach with air, spoiling his appetite. A soother in the child's mouth reflects poorly on the mother's child-management skills. Dr Ong Eng Keow, Child-Specialist in a Singapore Hospital, strongly recommends playing with the child, right from the time he is one month old. Grasping, holding and pressing toys
increase his muscle-strength and improve his motor-skills.

Some mothers are obsessed over the eating habits of their children. They insist that children should eat enough of what they consider staple food - rice, bread, meats etc. Children prefer an assortment. Mothers ought to know that children will not stay hungry. When they are, they will ask for food. So, forcing them to eat what they dislike, is not in the interest of the children. As long as they do not gorge on junk food, aerated drinks and chocolates, it is fine. If they enjoy variety, let them. Ultimately, the nutrition, taste and calories count.

Some parents are flippant in giving their babies names like: Simple, Dimple, Twinkle,
Happy, Lucky and possibly the worst, Adolf Hitler. Somewhere in the USA, a Baker refused to bake a birthday cake for a child with the name, Adolf Hitler. Imagine the child's trauma when he is teased by his peers and given labels by adults who find his name 'funny'. Naming the child is an important decision, for which parents have to take time to check options(available on the net), and short-list a few; then discuss them and choose one which makes the child proud to own it; after all he will be called by that name for the rest of his life.

Actually, everything parents do for the infant, from the time of conception, is a manifestation of their love for the child. That explains the words of Penelope Leach:
"Loving a child is a circular business. The more you give, the more you get, the more
you want to give". The tribal woman, in the story that follows tells us how. In the Andes, South America, two tribes occupy opposite positions - one lives on the plains and the other, in the mountains. Their rivalry is perennial. Once, the tribe from the mountains raided the one in the plains and stole somethings and took away a baby.
The best climbers from the plains decided to scale the mountains to retrieve the baby. On their third failed attempt, they spied the mother of the baby descending with the baby strapped to her back. Flustered, they asked her how she did it. "Not your baby", she replied nonchalantly. Did she have to say more?

29) Home

2009-06-03T12:46:00.008+08:00

"The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I passed at home, in the bosom of my family." Thomas Jefferson

'Home, sweet home', the song from the Opera Clari, composed by John Howard Payne(born 1791), became an instant hit. The song conveyed the wistful longing of the composer for the humble thatched cottage that was his childhood home, before he began his wanderings. The touching lyrics and the soulful music bring tears to those who look back to the time they had a home they loved. Although it is 45 years since I left my parental home, memories of that much loved home do not fade. Even today, when I hear the song 'Home,sweet home', I travel back in time to that unforgettable home, where I received much love and acquired some values which are dear to me.

Loving parents work hard to build a home for themselves and their children. In that place the family knits its relationships and constructs its value system. Winston Churchill testified to this fact when he wrote: "There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human society are created, strengthened and maintained".

What makes a home different from a house? LOVE. Love of God and one another. Where God is not present, love will be absent, because He is Love. Wise parents understand this truth and enthrone God as the unseen Head of the home. With Him at the center of family life, new meaning and purpose are found in the daily routine. Children learn of God from their parents, and find space in their hearts for Him. Parents who miss out on this vital input, do not build a strong foundation for the other inputs they give their children. At prayer time, which is built into the family schedule, the family assembles to praise and thank God for His countless mercies, and plead for His continued protection. Children who acquire this prayer-habit, carry it forward to their homes, when they start life on their own.

There are some other distinguishing characteristics of a good home:
1) Family meals: The family comes together at meal time(at least at supper time), to share experiences of the day. Children learn much at the dining table.
2) Family discussions: The family that links up through regular and warm chats, forges a closeness that grim circumstances cannot prize apart. Whether it is planning a family picnic, a change of school or a change in meal-timings, a family discussion, where all participate, binds the family with unseen bonds.
3) Family outings: Visiting relations and friends, outings to fun-spots, going to the movies, concerts and the theater - these bring the family together. Planning for these outings gives the children a thrill. As they get involved, they tap their creative urges, summon their organizing skills and learn to operate as a team.
4) Family celebrations: Birthdays, anniversaries, good grades at school, winning contests and other special occasions are reasons to celebrate. When the family remembers and celebrates these occasions, there is much shared-happiness.
5) Family entertainment: TV programs, music and games, when enjoyed as a family, keep the children from forming addicting relationships with the TV, Music System, Computer and playthings; instead they form memorable relationships with the family.
In Ohio, USA, a 17 year old watched video games for 17 hours at a stretch. When his parents objected, he shot them. His mother died and his father was seriously wounded.Deepak Chopra's words should set us thinking: "When love is replaced by an object, the result is addiction".

A home is where good values, good habits and good manners are taught and practiced.
Where honesty is never compromised, fair-play never disputed and courage never ridiculed. Where praise and gratitude are constantly expressed, apologizing and forgiving a way of life and Saint Paul's words(Ephesian 4:26):"Do not let the sun go
down on your anger", are a benchmark. And where trust in one another is silently and strongly built. With the abundance of the good-life, it is no wonder that 'you are treated best at home'.

How well a little girl of six understood this is seen in her brief exchange with a friend. Her parents and her two siblings could not locate a house to live in, at short notice, and had to stay at a hotel for a few days. "Too bad you do not have a home", her friend sympathized. Promptly, she responded: "Yes we have a home, but no house to put it in".

28) Couples

2009-06-01T14:37:00.009+08:00

"Your relationship with your partner is the emotional glue that binds your family together." Vickie Falcone

We wish parents take seriously Vickie Falcone's admonition, and make the house a home where children live the happiest time of their lives, secure in being loved by caring parents, who love each other.

In the last two posts(26,27), we juxtaposed the roles of mothers and fathers. Now, we shall watch how they synchronize. Dr John Gottman, author of 'The seven Principles of making a marriage work', puts things in perspective: "It isn't so much about staying married for the sake of the kids. Couples need to stay happily married, if they can, in order to help their children". Happiness in the married life of their parents is important to children; they must bask in that warmth and be edified.

Men and women are so different in their physical and mental make-up, that getting them to work together, for a common purpose, is not easy. They will have to find the right motivation; consistently be energized by that force to overcome temptation; stay focused and fight fatigue.

Since working together is tough, some young couples are veering around to the view that a union between them is a 50:50 affair; almost like splitting an apple in two.
Your money, my money; your car, my car; you do the dishes, I'll take the garbage out;
you dust and clean the furniture, I'll do the beds. Right down the middle a line is drawn, dividing chores and possessions. With this system, the accounting is easier, when they choose to go their separate ways. Even before they start a relationship, a possible separation is factored in through a prenuptial contract. When such negative thoughts precede the union, separations happen over trifles. Live-ins are not even proxy unions. An arrangement of convenience will be governed by the conveniences of the consenting adults.

A marriage is really a 100:100 covenant; 100% commitment from each. On some days it will be 90:10; on other days 10:90 contribution. The 100% commitment to each other and the family does not change, only the quantum of effort varies, based on circumstances. The guiding principle is a spirit of sharing; not the accounting or the finger-pointing when there is a default.

J.Allan Petersen writes that most people get married believing in a myth that marriage is a beautiful box, full of all things they longed for: intimacy, companionship, sexual fulfillment. The couple soon finds out the truth that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. They must put in something, before they take out anything. If they take out more than they put in, the box will soon be empty. In time, they learn the art of giving, loving, serving, praising and forgiving. In short, they work at keeping the box full. Mignon McLaughlin uses different words to express the same idea: "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person".

There are hundreds of reasons why partners go apart, causing children untold sufferings. Among them, is a common reason: the compulsion to have one's way. It may seem old-fashioned to cite the example of Sita, but to those who understand the context, she is a shining example. In the Ramayana, the Holy Book of the Hindus, Sita is to stay back at the Palace, when her husband Rama is banished from court. Her forceful arguments prevail: "Dearer is her husband's shadow to the loved and loving wife; with her Lord she falls or rises". The Palace relents and lets her join her exiled husband. Women who wish to claim equal place and equal opportunity, may find Sita's plea distasteful. For them, the story that follows, may have a lesson.

One evening Leo Buscaglia's father returned home from work, gathered the family and informed them that his business had failed and that he was bankrupt. It was a silent supper that evening. The next night the family assembled to what was a fantastic dinner; almost a Christmas dinner. Leo's mother had sold some of her jewellery to
prepare for the meal, explaining: "The time for joy is now, when we need it, not next week". Their mother showing courage, optimism and oneness with their father, spoke more than her words conveyed. After that meal the family began to pull together. Leo, though very young, offered to sell magazines. His sister decided to work overtime. The mood changed, thanks to the wisdom and family-spirit of Leo's mother. That is what happens in families where spouses decide to face tough times
together and where children experience strength in unity. Ancient wisdom from the Chinese makes sense: "If the family lives in harmony, all affairs will prosper".

27) Fatherhood

2009-05-27T11:53:00.012+08:00

"Fathers bring an unique presence, a special strength to raising children."
Ray Guarendi, Clinical Psychologist

Popular perception is that mothers are care-givers and fathers providers; that mothers are nurturing and that fathers are discipline-enforcing. Of late there is a shift in the traditional perception. Now, there is an increased merging of roles and sharing of tasks. With more mothers working full or part time, outside the home, this change becomes necessary. Flexi-work-schedules help, but mothers still have to balance professional and home responsibilities. To help such mothers, a new breed of super-involved, diaper-changing fathers is putting up willing hands. Some say that fathers can be as capable as mothers, if taught properly. Cases are not uncommon, of fathers opting to be stay-at-home-dads, allowing their spouses to take up rewarding careers.

Taking note of these changes, in a report published by Briton's Equal Opportunity Commission, the MORI Social Research Institute described four types of dads:
1) Enforcer Dad: He is not involved in day-to-day care of his children and sees the most important aspect of being a father as providing a role model and setting clear rules.
2) Entertainer Dad: He often entertains the children while the mother does the household work(cooking, cleaning and allied tasks); but he does not get involved in household tasks.
3) Useful Dad: He entertains the children and also helps out with childcare and some household tasks. But he still takes the lead from his wife about what needs doing and when.
4) Fully-involved Dad: He is equally involved with the running of the home and the family, as his partner, at least some of the time, and parental roles are virtually interchanged.

Most often, rightly, mothers corner the glory of child rearing. Sometimes fathers come up trumps. "I would be hard-pressed to find another father as dedicated as he is", is the warm tribute paid by a grateful child. "My dad was always there for me and my elder sister, no matter how busy he was. I grew up feeling very much loved and secure", are the words of an admiring daughter. And a little boy, near death, told his mother in no uncertain terms that he wanted his father by his bedside. He loved his mother very much, but now he insisted on having his father with him.
Memories of my noble father come back to me. He would never harm even those who harmed him, preferring to forgive them; and in many ways he gave to those in need, even when it hurt. He died long ago, but memories linger and there is an ache that will not go away.

Despite the occasional praise a father receives, he is asked searching questions:
Does he tune into the real needs of his children? Can they count on him at all times?
In a conflict-situation, is he understanding and fair? Does he create magic moments for his children? Does he bring his work-problems home and expend his frustration on his wife and children? Does he back his wife? And so on. Mothers seldom have to answer such questions, but fathers are not spared.

Since fathers play the disciplinarian-role(with many mothers dumping the disciplining
function on them), they appear stern and rather remote. Sadly, they are a misunderstood tribe. Some fathers choose not to explain themselves, preferring to be silent, and their families interpret their actions in a way that suits them. But fathers soldier on, marching to a beat in their hearts. That is why Wilhem Busch's voice strikes a familiar chord: "To become a father is not hard; but to be a father is, however".

A certain dad buys an Accordion for his son, who start music lessons, though he hates practicing. One day he challenges his father:"Why must I learn to play the Accordion?" Patiently, the father explains: "Because you can bring joy to people. You can touch their hearts.Someday you will have a chance to play beautiful music for your family. Then you will understand why you worked so hard at it". As the boy grows he plays less. When he is a grown young man, he decides to pack the Accordion and store it in the attic. Thirty years later,his children discover the Accordion in the attic and beg their father to play. He does play as his wife and children laugh, clap and dance to the music. Then his dead father's words come back to him and he woefully acknowledges that his father was right.

This story is true of what happens between fathers and children. There are four stages in their relationship:
1) When children are very young, it is:'only daddy knows'.
2) As they grow, it is:'daddy also knows'.
3) Into their teens and early adulthood, it is:'Really, what does daddy know?'
4) As they begin to grey at the temple, it is:'Yes, daddy knew'.
To this post, Charles Wadsworth's words are a fitting conclusion:"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he is wrong".

26) Motherhood

2009-05-25T12:18:00.006+08:00

"Nothing will make you as happy or sad, as proud or as tired, as motherhood."
Ella Parsons

The last ten posts(16-25)focused on some problem-situations: 1)Quality time 2)Sibling rivalry 3)Comparisons and labels 4)Double standards 5)Authority 6)Coping with bullies 7)Self worth 8)Making friends 9)Helping children succeed 10)Nurturing the leader. We shall take a break from these situations, to revert to the mainstream. Later, we shall get back to a few more problem-situations.

Now, we shall invite the main characters in the parenting story - Mum and dad, one at a time - to take center stage.

A mother of 9 attended a series of talks on how people could choose to live better lives. Enthusiastic, she approached her Pastor with her new desire to become a preacher, like him, so that she could persuade others to better their lives. The Pastor listened intently to her and had these encouraging words: "You have everything in your favor and a ready audience - your 9 children". Put differently, the Pastor's advice to her was to focus on making 9 better people of her 9 children.
Just imagine what that would mean! Nine better people forming 9 better families, who in time would give society more better people. Without being a mathematician it is easy to tell that the power of a mother is a geometric progression. The Pastor had a point, certainly.

There can be no fitting or complete description of what a mother can do. A rather amateur attempt follows: She just loves her children and finds a 100 ways to express that love - feeding, cleaning, nursing, caring, understanding, responding positively, encouraging, educating, accepting them as they are, but trying constantly
to shape them into better persons, protecting them from harm at home and outside,
comforting them when they are in trouble, disciplining them with unlimited patience so that they see reason and mend their ways, and loving and respecting their father,
to the edification of her children. The Koran, like the other Holy Books, places on the mother an additional responsibility - to be the religious instructor, in early childhood. An awesome role!

How seriously mothers take their calling was seen in a few examples we quoted in this blog. The American mother who let her broad forehead be used as a mobile billboard,the mother of Thomas Alva Edison, the mother of Jane, the dancer, who taught her daughter to dance through life, and the missionary-mother of the 12 year old girl, astound us with their capacity to love.(These stories appear on the panel alongside the blog.)

What the mother teaches her children must come from her own exemplary life. Three devout Christians were discussing their personal preferences of Bibles. The first said that he read only the Catholic RSV version, the second extolled the qualities of
the King James 1611 version. The third was silent for a time and softly said:"I like my mother's version of the Bible. She lived the Bible in her daily life". This story makes me nostalgic; it reminds me of the God-centered life of my beloved mother, whose memory I hold sacred.

So much has been written on mothers and motherhood, that a well-stocked library could boast of a huge collection of such books. I have not read of a more touching
tribute to motherhood, in published works, than the lines of Thomas Carlyle: "Who is it that loves me and will love me forever with an affection which no chance, no misery, no crime of mine can do away? It is you, my mother."

Motherhood is the fulfillment of womanhood. Why then would women consent to abortion? It is puzzling; but not so when we consider the case of Paula
Carragher, who was given the option of terminating her pregnancy because of complications - her baby had Spinabifida, a defect in the spinal chord - but decided against abortion because of her religious beliefs and strong faith. "I owe everything to that decision, she took 30 years ago", writes England Footballer Jamie
Carragher, in his autobiography.

Since motherhood is so exalted a calling, it is perplexing that some would-be mothers
decide to abort their innocent and defenseless babies. It is not a thing that she can destroy at will, but a God-given life. Perhaps, the very life that could be her shelter and succor in her feeble old age. Say 'no' to abortion!

25) Problem-Situations (continued)

2009-05-21T11:54:00.006+08:00

"Power shows the man." Sophocles

NURTURING THE LEADER:
In the last post(24), we listed points on how to help the child succeed. Here, we shall take up the very important facet of 'leadership'. Is there a duplication? Let an example clarify the point. In the cricket-world, Sachin Tendulkar is acclaimed as the Master Batsman. His success in rewriting the record books, is common knowledge. But is he Captain material? Going by records, he is not. He is successful as a batsman, but not as a leader. We should teach out children to be truly successful leaders, because the world is populated with Pretenders and Power-Brokers who pass off as leaders. They tend to acquire power through foul means and parade such power with impunity. Self-gratification, through the exercise of power, is their aim. They confuse leadership with the accumulation of power. Sophocles warns us that the way a man uses power, shows us who he really is.

When teachers were asked to list qualities they spotted in children who had leadership skills, they put down the following:
a) They are confident; others are willing to follow their lead.
b) They felt good about themselves; and made others feel good.
c) They had questioning minds; took initiatives; were enthusiastic/good-humored.
d) They treated adults and peers with respect.
d) They were not clinging but sharing; even with their toys.

1) The first thing children should learn about leadership is to have Courage of Conviction. They should be ready to stand up for what they believe, against odds, and live up to standards they set for themselves. e.g.,If they believe that cheating in a test paper is wrong, they should not cheat, no matter how strong the temptation, or how easy it is. By standing up, they will be faithful to themselves and to the promises they make to others.
2) A good leader is a 'we' person; not an 'I' person. So, he believes in team work, is ready to take and share responsibility, is happy in the success of his team fellows, will give them a large share of credit when the team succeeds and take upon himself a large share of the blame, when the team fails.
3) He will learn to be thoughtful and considerate of others and view their mistakes with compassion, not accusation, and be calm even in difficult situations. Because of his 'others-attitude' he will respect and carefully listen to ideas others have to offer.
4) He will immerse himself fully in what he does. Take a sieve and pour water on to it; the water drains out. Throw the sieve into the ocean. Water does not drain out because it is immersed in the ocean. When the child learns to immerse himself in what he does, he not only sets an example to others, but also does not let distraction drain his energy. He stays focused. A leader cannot lose focus or enthusiasm. His enthusiasm must energize others into following him and doing common things uncommonly well.
5) Every time he confronts an obstacle, pose him this question: "What if you tried to do it differently?" That will prompt him to try something new and look at obstacles as opportunities.
6) Look for ways to encourage, praise and make him feel good. In turn, he should try to make others feel good by thanking and praising them. The habit will work wonders for his personality - he becomes charismatic; others are drawn to him.

Ultimately, it will be his strong character that will make him stand out. In Mexico, the Jail Warden of a high security prison was respected even by the prisoners for his upright conduct and sense of fairness. One day a prisoner escaped from prison.
The warden tried to apprehend the escaped prisoner, but failed. Promptly he accepted full responsibility for the lapse in the prison-security and agreed to become an inmate of his own prison, to serve the unfinished sentence of the escaped prisoner.

CAUTION: Children will learn from parents. So, before teaching children how to be leaders, parents better learn how they can be successful leaders. We cannot give what we don't have. The sad plight of children growing up with parents who lack leadership skills is a harsh commentary on the poor example such parents set.

24) Problem-Situations (continued)

2009-05-18T12:37:00.010+08:00

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

HELPING CHILDREN SUCCEED:
1) It is important that children set for themselves big goals and carefully planned small steps to achieve those goals. A child who is ranked among the bottom ten in his class, can get to be among the top ten, in well planned stages. High expectations should spur the child forward, but in steps he can take.
2) Use Role Models to inspire the child. Very often children mold themselves after someone they idolize.
3) Explore individual strengths. If one has a way with words, another has a head for figures. Build on their strengths.
4) Get fully involved in what the child does - in school and outside; acknowledge the fact that grades are not everything.Children who do not score high, despite their best attempts, can shine in areas that interest them.It is for parents to relate to their needs and encourage them.
5) Learning is not always fun. Let him not give up because it is tough.
Give him tasks and ensure that he completes them well, sometimes likening them to puzzles which he is accustomed to solving. Tasks should include chores at home, like polishing his shoes and tidying his room.
6) Help him to concentrate on the task; not to let distraction take away attention.
But be mindful that a child has a short attention-span.
7) When he needs help to complete an assignment, offer it, not by completing it for him, but by making him complete it, with a little assistance; clarifying doubts when he is confused and equipping him with problem solving skills. At the end of the assignment he must feel satisfied that he has completed a difficult task.
8) Teach, don't blame or insult the child with remarks like: 'you are dumb', 'how stupid of you' and so on.
9) If he has to deliver a short talk, help him prepare, redraft and rehearse many times. Don't draft the talk for him; he must do it; only then it will be his.
10) When he is nervous, teach him to relax, using breathing exercises and right postures.
11) Remind him of past successes. He should be buoyed by recalling those events and the joy that went with them. Success comes to those who find 'fun' in doing things.
Let him enjoy what he is doing, as he tries to succeed.
12) Help him understand the merit in contributing to team-effort. He will have to pass the ball to his team fellow who is better placed to score. If he does not let go, the scoring opportunity will be lost. His team will lose; he will lose. Good team work will give him a leg up in school and later, in work life. John Anderson, the Child Care Expert, stresses on the importance of children learning to be good team mates.
13) Give measured praise; based on the effort and result. For average, good, very good and excellent effort and result, praise should be graded. Much praise for an average effort and result confuses the child and expose parental hypocrisy. World class athletes (95%) said that parental praise and support helped them in the early stages of their sports life.
14) Experts give three reasons why children do not fulfill their potential:
a)Absenteeism - staying away from school for flimsy excuses.
b)They lack varied reading material at home and do not take to the reading habit.
c)They are allowed excessive TV watching.
15) The Experts do not caution against playtime. So, give him time to play and relax, the way he likes. His childhood will not return.

My boss gave me a simple tip 45 years ago: 'Hard work, planned hard work, consistently planned hard work makes for success'. It was true then; it is true today. Continents away, in the USA, award winning teacher, Rafe Esquith, in his book
'Teach like your hair is on fire', echoes the same thought. He calls his students
'unpolished diamonds', who will feel the friction of hard work before they glitter.
Someone rightly said: 'There are no victories at bargain prices'.

As the child gains in stature through repeated successes, teach him to handle success with humility, not arrogance. Kirk Douglas, father of Oscar Award winning Actor, Michael Douglas, sent him a note which read: 'Michael, I'm more proud of how you handle success, than I am of your success'. Would to God that parents can say that of their children, as they move from one success to the next.

23) Problem-Situations (continued)

2009-05-13T11:31:00.006+08:00

A small boy defined a friend as: "Someone who knows all about you, and likes you just the same".

MAKING FRIENDS:
Children need friends as badly as they need good food and clean air. Without friends their learning is impeded, their personalities do not glow, and their happiness is not multiplied; their growth is stunted. Therefore parents have a responsibility to help children make friends and cultivate friendships, in particular, in the early years of childhood. There is a danger that some ill-bred children get close to them, when they try to make friends. With a watchful eye, parents can guard their children from such negative influences and help convert such encounters into opportunities - for being a good influence on those unfortunate little ones.

Some children make friends easily. They need little or no help. Parents of such children can help screen the wide circle of friends they attract. Some other children have to be coaxed into contact with peers. It is these children who need help, in the following ways:
1) Parents can introduce their children to children of their friends, and those in the neighborhood. They could arrange for a few get-together evenings, when their children can mix freely with others.
2) Children can be persuaded to remember the birthdays of their new friends and send them cards and small gifts on their birthdays.
3) Parents can help children develop interests which attract other children. Football, cricket and other popular team games bring children together. Soon they have buddies with the same interest.
4) When coaxing children to make friends, parents should respect individuality - some are gregarious, others loners. The loners prefer playing alone and talking to themselves. Such children should not be pushed into group games, but allowed to watch, and join the group only when they are ready.
5) Children should be taught that the best way to make friends is to be interested in others. Greetings others, without waiting to be greeted; smiling warmly and calling others by the names they liked to be called; being considerate and helpful; giving praise and never forgetting good manners - are a few lasting lessons parents can teach their children, as long as they are examples for the lessons they teach.

There are some parents who claim that they and their children are friends. Being friendly and friends are not the same. When parents become friends of their children, they lose an essential 'distance' they need to maintain for proper counseling and timely discipline. In time they find that the respect they should get from their children is eroded. The healthy parent-child relationship is endangered.

Two TV technicians were friends and decided to work as a pair. On one job they had to fix a broken TV antenna. Since they did not carry a ladder, one of them let the other stand on his shoulders, to weld the broken piece. The job completed, the fellow on the top descended to find his friend collapsing - from terrible burns all over his body. Molten lead from the welding kept falling on him, but he did not budge or let out a cry from his lips. If he had jerked or moved abruptly, his friend would have fallen to his death from that high-rise apartment, where they worked.
Socrates made an important point on friendship when he wrote: "There is no possession more valuable than a good and faithful friend".

22) Problem-Situations (continued)

2009-05-11T11:57:00.009+08:00

"More than anything else, teach him to WALK TALL." Khalil Gibran

SELF-WORTH:
One of the better gifts parents can give their children is Self-Worth, which is confidence in their God-given talents and abilities, and the desire to actualize their potential; to WALK TALL. This is a tough task. How do parents go about it?

1) Let the child be an overseen risk-taker. As long as he does not expose himself to serious danger, let him explore; e.g. go to the attic alone, if he wants to.
2) Discourage self-pity ('I am not good at painting'). Instead, remind him of the success he has in other areas.
3) Let him develop his own interest. If Music beckons him, let him go to it, as long as he does not neglect other areas essential to his growth.
4) The child will need training of skills and constructive feedback. Parents can be regular coaches to children who show promise. Honor small requests; discuss the big ones. Even when a request is turned down, he must know that he is loved.
5) Help him realize his potential. The pursuit of excellence entails goal-oriented
labor and perseverance. Such goal-setting should be adjusted to the capacity of the child. One who is less gifted cannot go after the goals set for the more gifted. In the pursuit of such goals, the child should learn to win and lose gracefully; not gloat when he wins and sulk when he loses. To help him, we could assign him tasks and evaluate his performance.
6) He must know that whining is not acceptable. Rather, encourage him to honestly express his feelings: 'I don't like the way George snatches my toys'. Then discuss those feelings.
7) Let him learn to look at the goodness in people, and not at their weakness; being less judgmental. The difference between judging and being judgmental should be explained to him. We all judge - form opinions about people, places and things; but we all could refrain from being judgmental, which is being excessively critical of others. Rough edges in his personality can be gently filed away.
8) Parents could encourage in him a sense of fairness in treating those around him, in particular, the less privileged.
9) Let him have the courage to apologize when he is wrong, and be gracious to forgive others when they are wrong.
10) Develop in him the habit of praising and thanking others, even for small acts of kindness, starting with those at home.
11) He must know that others in life are important. Selfishness in any form, destroys character and performance. One way of helping him, is to get him to share food, toys and anything that he calls 'mine'.
12) Never allow tantrums. Parents should put an immediate stop to them, if necessary, with some form of disciplining.
13) Focus on behavior: 'your lazy behavior must change' and not 'you are a lazy boy'. Reinforce good behavior; when he puts away his toys, compliment him.
14) Monitor his TV time and the programs he watches. Let TV watching not become an addiction. Also, check his reading habits, the internet he logs onto and the company he keeps.
15) Treat him like a person. Listen to him when he talks and reply him like we would a grown-up.
16) Create an enjoyable family culture. Disputes in the family and between the spouses do incalculable harm to the child. Opposing rules made by the spouses confuse the child. He will develop a polarity in favor of the more lenient parent.
17) Even if he is slow in building self-worth, hug him and reassure him often. He needs love, demonstrated.

21) Problem-Situations (continued)

2009-05-06T11:34:00.007+08:00

"Let him(my son)learn early that bullies are the easiest to lick." Abraham Lincoln

COPING WITH BULLIES:
Bullies are a real threat to children. They have nightmares because of them, bed-wet and throw a fit even at the mention of their names. For children, the problem is very real and traumatic, and not to be dismissed as 'timid behavior'.

Most often, bullies come from homes where they lack parental attention and discipline.Since they cannot 'draw' attention through refined and accomplished conduct, they 'call' attention to themselves through loud and unruly behavior. They get a few laughs and think it is fun.

Targets of such bullies see themselves as worthless, unattractive and unsuccessful victims. They are physically weak and fear the bigger size and greater strength of the bullies. Paradoxically, they secretly admire what the bullies can do, which they cannot. The problem that parents have to confront is not the bully, but the self-concept of their child. As long as the child sees himself as a 'victim', the bully-problem will not be solved.

How do parents solve this problem?
1) Not intentionally, but by acting without much thought, parents damage the self-respect of their children. From infancy they are put down as those who know little, who cannot do much and are regarded as part of the herd. As a result their self-image stays low. They see themselves as 'low value items' in the family. This is very true of girl children in some communities. For their own sakes, parents should remember that respect is a two-way street. If children are not respected, it will soon be their turn to lose respect. In fairness to children, parents should consider it top priority to build their self-worth (post 22 will address this point).
2) In a twisted perception of love, some parents over-protect their children, making them overly dependent on them. They feed Dependence and starve Self-Reliance. If children are not weaned from parents, in stages, they become parasites.
3) Because of over-protection, children are slow to make friends. Bullies exploit this weakness when they spot their 'alone-ness'. Children should break barriers and learn to make friends easily (post 23 will address this point).
4) Children should feel loved and bask in the warmth of the family. When they enjoy love at home, no problem outside the home is of consequence. Parents can build self-confidence in the children by giving them time in plenty, develop their interests, satisfy their curiosity for knowledge and give them praise.
5) Physical exercise and strength-building diet will make children physically fit, giving them stamina and zest. Bullies tend to keep off physically strong peers.
6) Children should be 'conditioned' never to fear the bully. Bed time stories and real life incidents on how people put bullies in their place, should be constant reminders to them that bullies are easiest to lick, because they flee when confronted.
7) Deborah Cowly, an expert on child behavior, recommends the following four
initiatives:
a) Discuss the problem of bullying at Parent-Teacher-Association meets, reminding teachers and administrators that their own children could be 'victims'.
b) Teachers should take serious note of any attempt by bullies, in her class or outside, to intimidate her students.
c) Adult supervision should be organized for field activities, where bullying is common.
d) The school should name a Contact who can be reached at any time to report a bullying incident. Suitable action should follow.
8) Back children in their attempts to win minor victories over bullies. As they gain confidence, they will fear them less.
9) Essentially, it is the attitude of the child that matters. If he is unafraid to stand up, the bully will know that he has met his match.

A mother at 18, was obsessed with her new born son. She would not let him out of her sight, carry him around and not put him down; smother him with flannels even on a warm day; screen his food and use a thermometer three times a day to check if he ran a fever. She went with him to school and stayed in the school premises to bring him back. He always ran to her when he had a problem. By encouraging such behavior, she was fulfilling her need, to be wanted; not his. In short, she was 'killing' him with her kindness. He is an old man today and weeps. He was bullied at school, in the place he worked, by his wife who left him soon after they married, and even by his neighbors. His mother is dead, but he is among the living-dead.

20) Problem-Situations (continued)

2009-05-04T12:31:00.008+08:00

"So, if you ever feel angry or upset with someone, remember, it is your rules that are upsetting you; not their behaviour." Antony Robbins

AUTHORITY:
Some parents wield authority by shouting, threatening and whacking their children. Some others use tact, persuasion and encouragement. The problem is that parents get stuck in these 'formats", when they should be stuck in loving their children - which
means doing what the situation demands, for the good of the children. Because one 'format' uses harsh methods and the other uses gentle methods, does not make the first wrong and the second right. Like Situational Managers, in the Professional context, who adapt to situations and direct, coach, support and delegate team mates, mature parents should become Situational Parents. There are times when a stern warning or a sharp whack become necessary, especially when children are wilful and rebellious. At such times, to try 'persuasion' is not prudent. There are other times when a hug and whispered persuasion are appropriate. At such times to shout a threat is 'unparentlike'. The sooner parents adopt the flexi-situational style, the better for them and their children.
Authority comes from above, as Jesus Christ pointed out to Pilate, the Roman Governor, when he stood before the Roman. Parents receive their authority from God,
and must use it with humility and prudence. "He is my son; I can do what I want with him", is a false statement. "Your children are not your children; they are sons and daughters of life's longing for itself", is how Khalil Gibran puts it. Life is God's gift(post 3), and if children are 'life's longing for itself', they are God's way of
continuing the chain of life.
So 'discretion' is the channel, authority should choose. "Sunny, it is 6 O'clock and time for your home work", is how mummy calls her 9 year old to the study table. He pleads: "Mummy, please give me 5 minutes to finish the game I am playing. I am almost done". Now, mummy has two options to demonstrate her control over the situation. "No excuses. Get to your study table now", is one way. "Okay, my son, 5
minutes is fine. Enjoy your game and get to work in 5 minutes. I know you will keep your promise", is another option.
Which should mummy choose? The mother who believes in enforcing her authority will choose option one. The discreet mother, who believes that small concessions do not break rules, but only show that exceptions are permissible, will choose option two.
The same mother will make no compromise when the child lies or cheats, because that is when no compromises should be made. Not because she wants to demonstrate her authority, but because she loves her child and will not let stain besmirch his character.
Statements like: "Do it because I told you to do it", "No questions; just do it",
"A rule is a rule; no discussion", "Watch it; the next time you do it I will be very angry", and similar statements better be avoided, because they point to an autocratic mindset and not a loving attitude.
The important thing for parents to do, is to examine the rules they have framed(or,are they acting on whims?), and check on their flexibility, as long as the code is not violated. Shouldn't Rule Books be enough? Why should Judges preside in Court? Because circumstances have to be evaluated and Rules seen in perspective.
Mature parents see it that way. The ones who put off maturing, take impulsive decisions, fuelled by anger, because their rules are broken. Authority is a double-edged sword. It can wound the adversary; it can also hurt the one who wields it. How to wield authority is a studied art; like swordsmanship.

19) Problem-Situations (continued)

2009-04-29T12:07:00.006+08:00

"No man ever really finds out what he believes in until he begins to instruct his children." Francis Xavier

DOUBLE STANDARDS:
A famous Mason and his son specialized in building Castles. One day, while at work on a Castle, they found that there was no mortar left for placing the last stone in the foundation. So the father asked the son to prepare a suitable quantity of mortar. The son told his father that there was stock of mortar meant for the walls, which they could use for the foundation. The father explained that the two were different; the one for the foundation had to be much stronger. The boy reasoned: what difference would it really make to that one stone in the foundation; no one would ever know in a 1000 years of the switch in the mortar. The father replied: Two people would know; you and I.

Some parents are careful to reinforce their words with action. Others are not that conscious. For them double standards do not pose a serious problem.
* "Simon, why is your room in such a mess?" That is dad's vexed question to his son.
Change scene; enter dad's room which is untidy and disorganized.
* "Cindy, put your toys back. They should not be out of place." That is how mummy
admonishes her daughter. Survey some of mummy's actions: her bag is still on the
carpet; her footwear under the dinning table.
* "When you have to do something important, always make a note", is mummy's advice
to her teenage daughter. Mummy was to make the Insurance Payment on the 7th. She
remembered only on the 9th. Did she make a note?
* "Why are you not regular in doing your exercise?" That was dad's enquiry of his
son who turned 18 last week. After many failed attempts to get started on a
walk-schedule, dad restarted on Monday. Today is Thursday and Junior did not see
dad go out for his walk on Tuesday and Wednesday.
Parents are eager to advise their children; which is good. The flip side is that they fail to keep those words, where they are concerned.As in many other situations,
we accuse others of the very sins we are guilty of. Put differently: `one rule for
others; another for us'. No wonder children ignore parental instructions and disregard their advice with impunity. And parents wonder what went wrong. If parents cannot live the life they want their children to live, they forfeit the right to counsel them.

A Japanese Proverb reads: `The parents' dishonour is their child's, and the child's dishonour is his parents' '. The belief of `guilt by association' is firmly lodged in the Japanese psyche. So, when children are guilty of serious misconduct, parents who are celebrities have to apologize in public for the wrong doing of their children. In the same way, children feel humiliated when parents are guilty of major lapses or crime. If the rest of the world learned from the Japanese Proverb, parents would be careful to back their good words with good deeds, and not give children reason to accuse them of double standards or make parental behaviour an excuse for juvenile deviant behaviour. The parent-child bond is cemented with self-sacrifice; which is sacrificing self to live up to high standards.

18) Problem-Situations (continued)

2009-04-27T12:07:00.007+08:00

"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist." Mark Twain

COMPARISONS AND LABELS:
If there are young pessimists among us, there is only one direction the finger will point - at their parents. That may seem like a harsh sentence to pass on well-meaning
parents, who have sadly got it wrong. Harsh as it may seem, it is the fact. How do we explain that? Let us do a sample of statements made to children in many homes:
* "Tom, you are not as clever as your brother Pete. So don't try that."
* "Jane, your handwriting is bad. See, how well your sister, Greta, writes."
* "Shirley is strong in Maths. Denzil is rather weak." One mother confides in
another about her two children
* "Your daughter is so cute. I wish mine was half as pretty."
* "You lied again. You are a liar."
* "You dropped the fork. How clumsy!"
Labels like: lazy, clumsy, sloppy, dirty, untidy, dumb, arrogant, spender, miser, are stuck on children.

Parents have no intentions of pulling down their children. All they want is that the child gives up some bad habit; but the method of correction is faulty. Would dad like being unfavourably compared to his more efficient colleagues? How would mum like it if she was compared with her older sister, a mother of four, and labelled as
a 'less caring' mother? When parents dislike being unfavourably compared with others,
why do they inflict such 'punishment' on their children? What they gloss over is that such labels tend to stick; do not come off easily and do damage for life. Like Prophets of Doom, parents write out scripts for children, who stay faithful to such prophecies. Whether it is performance at school, or behaviour at home, 'labels' only drive children away from parents and in turn they give parents the label of being 'unfair'.

Parents need to realize that children look up to parents for good ratings. They treasure the appreciation and praise that parents give them. When they don't get such
encouragement, they turn elsewhere for commendation; even a smile from the school bully is valued. Without fully understanding what they do, parents drain 'hope' out of children, who become the young pessimists we encounter. They have lost hope in themselves; even in their parents and in God.

Setting high standards is good; a must.Pursuing excellence is important. But confusing 'failing' with 'failure' is not wise. Not just the 'result', but the 'effort' and the 'result' have to be appraised. That is what wise parents do. They remind children that 'failing' is part of the learning process. That love for them will not depend on grades they score in school or certificates they get for 'good behaviour'. The most powerful and superior form of love that parents can give a child is to constantly affirm the child's potential and worth, even if current performance is less than expected.

There is one suggestion for parents who are guilty: sincerely apologize to the children for past unfair comparisons and labels, and promise never to repeat such mistakes. Some parents may be shocked at this suggestion. Spare a thought for this
reason: if parents expect children to beg pardon for their mistakes, why should not parents set an example by leading the way through a sincere apology? That would be one way of telling the children that they shun double standards. Once the slate is wiped clean (which the children will like very much), a fresh start can be made.

A Speaker holds up a $50 bill, and asks his audience if they want it. Many hands go up. He crushes the bill and holds it up again.Many still want it. He drops the bill on the floor and stamps on it. Now he holds up the crushed and dirty bill.There are still many takers. Then he poses the question: why? Why do they want a bill that is dirty? He answers the question for them: because the value of the bill is not diminished. It is the same with a child. Even if he is stained with a few dirty habits, his value is not diminished. He is still precious.

17) Problem-Situations (continued)

2009-04-22T11:39:00.007+08:00

"Two things are bad for the heart - running up stairs and running down people."
Bernard Baruch

SIBLING RIVALRY:
Children begin by running down their siblings. In time, they fault teachers and classmates; and not much later, parents. Unless the `running down' habit is checked, when it starts, parents better be prepared to become the butt of jokes. The `blaming game' is not new. It has its genesis in Adam, who blamed Eve, who in turn blamed the serpent.
Why do children pick on their siblings to complain, exaggerate and even lie? Because:
a) of the inane compulsion to appear blameless - `the other is to blame, not me'.
b) of the child's need to test the waters. If he can wade shallow waters(get away with minor tiffs), he will venture into deep waters(take on the heavy weights). Never
under-estimate the child's capacity to size up the opponent.
c) of the child's insatiable hunger for minor triumphs. Siblings are nearest and
therefore become the target. Scoring a point, managing to `fix' the other are
schemes that occupy the child's mind.
d) of the child's urge to assert her personality. She must gain credit, occupy space,
acquire possessions and climb the victory stand.
Sibling rivalry is common; found even in well-regulated families. That it is common,
does not absolve parents of their responsibility to check it. Their guilt is manifest when they allow it, tolerate it and sometimes take sides, not on the basis of fairness, but for other reasons. Sibling rivalry is an acid test for parental impartiality.
Heredity does not equip the child with attitudes; children will learn what they are taught. From the start, if parents spell out norms and enforce them, children will not get a chance to `manipulate' situations in their favour. Students despise teachers who do not maintain order in class. In the same way, children have a low opinion of parents who do not walk the talk.
In sibling rivalry, the affected child - the one who suffers at the hands of the bully - harbours fears. When such fears are expressed - `I don't like the way she pulls away my toys' - parents blunder by rubbishing such admissions as silly or sissy behaviour. If the child cannot freely express his fears to his parents, to whom will he? The child should not be forced into denying or hiding his fears; and not be disciplined because of the nagging fear he has of his bully sister. Subtly
and without giving up, his negative self-talk - `she is smarter than me' - should be
changed to positive self-talk - `but I am good at drawing and painting'. Denying the fact that the sister is smarter, if she is, is not wise. Instead, let him find a new line to bolster his confidence and an area of competence. Build on that by unearthing more strengths.
As children grow they will find ways to resolve disputes. But in the early years, strong signals from parents must put each one in his/her place. Accusations based on facts need to be probed objectively, but lying or exaggerating should be dealt with sternly.
During the famine in Mogadishu, Somalia, a visiting photographer saw a famished boy on the street. Out of compassion, he gave the boy a fruit. The eyes of the boy conveyed gratitude as he staggered to another little boy, his younger brother, who lay at a distance. The first one fed the fruit to the second, without holding back any part for himself. The photographer was deeply moved. A few days later he learned that the older boy died of starvation, but the little fellow who ate the fruit survived. Surely, their parents taught them a lasting lesson on sibling love.

16) Problem-Situations

2009-04-20T11:45:00.007+08:00

"It is when you give of yourself that you truly give" Kahlil Gibran.

Parents face countless situations, when their parenting skills are tested. In this and the next few posts, we shall refer to some of them.

QUALITY TIME
Children often complain that parents do not spend `enough' time with them. Why?
a) Whatever parents do, the `perception' of children is what matters. When children feel that parents ignore them and `make' time more for adult pleasures and interests, the label sticks.
b) When daddy leaves early and returns late, and mummy works on shifts, they have a serious `time problem' because of their jobs. The home must be run; children given a comfortable life. Therefore jobs and the money parents earn, become crucial. If this is not clearly explained to the children, parents are misunderstood.
c) Children tend to compare themselves with their peers who have more time with their parents. Here again, parents have to study the two situations and clarify doubts to the children, in their idiom. Otherwise misconceptions continue.
d) When parents find it difficult to convince all the children, they should focus on the `one who calls the shots', and convince him/her. Once that is done, that child will convince the rest. Even if there are only two children, one takes on the mantle; the other follows.
e) When the gap between the spouses widens, mummy paints daddy as the villain. She is ready to make sacrifices for them, she says, but daddy does not care enough to find time for them. The children grow up unhappy with daddy. When they are older they find out that mummy played foul. In the battle of the spouses both lose.

How do parents tackle the recurring complaint from children?
By building TRUST, which comes from keeping PROMISES and being FAIR.
During the week, which is packed with professional engagements, it is difficult to set aside time for the children - to play with them or just chat with them. So, parents should creatively plan `fun' activities for the weekends and holidays. `On Saturday we will go on a picnic'. That promise should be kept, unless there is an emergency. The explanation that follows such a cancellation, better be good, because children do not easily forget broken promises and digits on their Default-Scoreboard go up. When more and more promises are broken, children place no store by the words of parents, and they lose credibility. Parents beware!

Anticipation is keener than enjoyment. When joint-activities are planned, it is the build-up, the anticipation that sparks enthusiasm. Parents should try to carefully utilize this period of waiting for the event, to counsel good behavior, because children are receptive during such times.

Some parents try to give children time in `quantity'; others in `quality'. Whether in quantity or quality, for children it is the `NOW' that matters; what they can enjoy now.

Besides planned activities, surprises add to the excitement that children experience.
When daddy, normally late from office, walks in early and decides to play a short game, or read a bed time story to them, or mummy takes time off from the kitchen to listen to happenings at school, the children treasure such times. The idea is for parents not to miss out on any opportunity. Kahlil Gibran was right. Only when children acknowledge that parents give of `themselves', and not just of their time, will they be satisfied.

A little boy, sitting at his doorstep, waited for his father to return from work. `Dad, how much do you earn for one hour of work?' Annoyed, the dad snaps:` none of your business'. Sad, the little boy goes to his room. After sometime dad goes up to his son's room. `I earn $50 an hour' he says. `Will you give me $25?' Surprised, yet eager to please his son whom he offended, he gives him the money. Then taking another $25 from under his pillow, he gives $50 to his dad with a request: 'Will you
spend an hour with me?'

15) An Examination of Conscience for Parents

2009-04-15T11:39:00.007+08:00

"The unreflected life is not worth living" Socrates.

One of the preferred ways of setting off on a change-journey, is to begin with an examination of conscience. We want to change; become better parents by improving on the quality of parenting. What better way to start, than to find out where we stand today? (Please do not rush through this exercise. Read. Reflect. Respond.) A short
prayer before the exercise will do immense good. We need God's help to take us through this arduous journey.

EXAMPLE:
1) Can I honestly claim that my life is an example to my children?
2) In what areas do I see myself wanting?
3) In what areas do my children see me deficient?
4) If I were to make a list of lapses in this all-important area of parenting, what
would take the top three spots?

PARENTAL INSTRUCTIONS:
1) What are my priorities in life? It is these that will find a voice when I speak
with my children.
2) Am I rigid or flexible in the way I instruct my children? Do I adopt the same
style for all, not pausing to think that each is different, and therefore to be
instructed differently, while retaining the essentials?
3) Do I keep changing my instructions, based on circumstances that suit me? Put
differently, do my words reflect my double standards?
4) Do my children know that I live by a code and that I try to persuade them to
adopt a similar code (though not identical), in their lives?
5) Do I try to update my knowledge (for example, on social conduct, relationship
building skills and so on), so that my children benefit from parental inputs
which are constantly improving?

DISCIPLINE:
1) Do I flinch from disciplining my children, either because I believe that it is
harsh, not meant for children, or endorse the opinion that children will grow
out of their faults?
2) Do I blow hot and cold, disciplining more by mood, than the need of the child?
Because of this erratic behavior, are my children confused over what is
expected of them?
3) Am I partial in disciplining, sparing my 'pet' and being heavy-handed with the
others?
4) Do I follow some guidelines (Post 13), in disciplining my children?
5) From time to time, do I review my methods - using the more effective ones and
discarding the others?
In no way is this list exhaustive; it was not meant to be. The questions in the exercise are not penetrating, but general, because they are only intended to initiate the change-process, which is, untangling the knotted wires and reconnecting with our children.

14) LEAD PARENTING

2009-04-13T16:44:00.006+08:00

"There are no juvenile delinquents; there are only delinquent parents."
Bishop Fulton Sheen

In posts 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and 13 we saw the importance of Example, Parental Advice/ Instructions and Discipline in the Parenting Vocation which is Love personified. When the first letters of Love (L), Example(E), Parental Advice/Instruction(A) and Discipline(D) are arranged, we get the acronym LEAD, which is the secret for the formation of children.

When a tasty dish is cooked, it is not just the cook who makes it possible. Without the right recipe and right ingredients, the dish would be insipid. Likewise, in parenting three essentials work together - Example,Parental Advice and Disciple - all done with Love. If one is missing, or below par, the result is not satisfactory.

Consider a parent who is a strict disciplinarian - rule enforcing. That is the good part. What if he misses out on the spirit of parenting, caught up only in rules. He
would do the children grave damage. And that is the bad part. In the same way, an
instruction-spouting parent whose example is poor, will not inspire her children to
follow her good words. Good example is not just powerful in itself, but doubles for
parental instruction. Besides, it lends special meaning to discipline. A child
disciplined by a parent whose example cannot be faulted, knows that his argument
against discipline is porous. When parents fail in the three key areas, they become
delinquent (to borrow a term from the Bishop).

13) Disciplining - Some Guidelines

2009-04-08T11:35:00.005+08:00

"Disciplining without freedom is tyranny. Freedom without discipline is chaos."
Cullen Hightower

It is important that children understand the difference between license and freedom.
License is behaving without restraint, causing self and others harm. Freedom is controlled behavior; behaving with responsibility and accountability. There are boundaries that cannot be crossed. Since disciplining, or reining in improper conduct, is a risky business, following a few guidelines makes sense.

1) Disciplining should not proceed from anger, but spring only from love - genuinely
wanting the child to improve; and ensuring that the level of disciplining and the
degree of the offense match.
2) Set norms and warn the children that if those norms are breached, disciplining
would follow. Exercise caution in setting standards. They should not be
"impossible" for children to achieve; their ages, gender and fitness of body and
mind should be considered. Also, no setting of flexible norms for the 'pet' and
rigid ones for the others.
3) Disciplining after the breach should be immediate, either by dad or mum. For a
lapse on Monday to discipline the child on Saturday is unfair. Also, dumping dad
with the unpleasant task, makes him the villain. Mum cannot shrewdly escape
disciplining children.
4) Disciplining should be linked to a specific action of the child. "You behaved
badly in school. Your teacher sent us a note. That calls for some disciplining."
5) Every time a particular rule is broken, the same level of disciplining should
follow; if disciplining is called for, at all. Minor lapses should be treated as
aberrations, unless the child willfully repeats such actions. Grave lapses should
be dealt with sternly.
6) Empty threats don't work. "If you lie again, you will be disciplined." Those words
should be meant. If not the child will ignore such threats and parents will lose
credibility.
7) Playing favorites is out. If the daughter is disciplined, so will the son. If
No.1 is disciplined, so will No.3.
8) Trying to discipline the child from his perspective makes a big difference. A
father who is amused when his little son tears up an old newspaper, should not rap
him when he tears up today's paper. The little fellow gets confusing signals.
9) After disciplining the child, explain to him why it had to be done, and cuddle
him. He should not go to bed with rebellious thoughts.
10)Prefer the term 'disciplining' to 'punishment'.

12) Dare to Discipline

2009-04-06T12:12:00.008+08:00

"Discipline is inevitable. If it does not come from within the man, it will be imposed from without." David Grayson

'Discipline' comes from the Latin word 'discipulus', which means 'to learn', akin to
'to teach'.

Discipline follows Example and Parental Instructions (Please refer to posts 8,9,10,11). The child sometimes rejects the person administering discipline, which makes it a risky task. Yet parents cannot absolve themselves of the responsibility. When they neglect or forsake such duties, school authorities will take over; and in later life, society and the Law will rather painfully carry out sentences that inflict punishment. Dr James Dobson, in his popular book, 'Dare to Discipline', draws a profound conclusion: 'Discipline is something you do for a child, and not to a child'. It is the loving purpose(and not the anger)which makes the difference between discipline and punishment. Children who have been lovingly disciplined, rather than arbitrarily punished, rarely look back in anger at the times they received some physical correction from loving parents. They get the message that
'limits' have to be set, since 'tough love' opposes the status quo. And they do not flinch from disciplining their own children, when it is their turn, because 'what child is there whom a parent does not discipline?' Hebrews:12-7.

Disciplining need not only mean physical correction, depriving the child of TV time,
access to toys or holding back some food which the child enjoys. It can be constructive, like: getting the child to read certain passages(based on the age of the child)and summarize them for the family at suppertime; getting the child to write a few lines on why he thinks he was disciplined; running a short errand, which he normally avoids; doing a chore at home, which is usually done by someone else;
finding the meaning of words, not necessarily from the dictionary, but by asking elders for the meanings; working on a brain-teaser like a riddle or a problem;
performing a task for a sibling; memorizing a short poem; cutting 15 minutes of playtime to add to study time and so on. The list is limited only by the creative urges of the parents. Constructive disciplining has its merits, one of which is obedience born of respect not terror.

Some children rebel against disciplining because of their insecurity. Deep down, they are uncertain of parental love. That is why a child must grow up completely
secure in the feeling that he is loved for what he is, and not what he can be.
A wise mother cautions: "Imagine the child to be a kite. Let him fly, but hold on to the string".

11) Negative Parental Instructions

2009-04-01T11:35:00.014+08:00

"The greatest battles of life are fought out everyday in the silent chambers of one's soul" Anonymous.

It is the ill wind that blows no one any good. Negative inputs damage children more than parents can imagine. It is not that parents intentionally misguide their children; they would not want harm to befall their children. Yet in their own lives some priorities emerge, which they think will benefit the children in some way, and willy-nilly pass on such inputs. In the last post(10), I listed 10 positive inputs. The flip side of those appear here, as 10 negative inputs.

1) You don't see God. But money power is for all to see.
2) Even family will respect you only if you have wealth.
3) Schooling has a limited role. What matters is being worldly wise. There are
millionaires even among school drop-outs.
4) People see and respect what you have; not what they do not see. Possessions count;
keep adding to what you have.
5) You are right; health is one form of wealth. But don't ever forget that only cash
can settle medical bills.
6) Cultivate habits that serve your purpose. If you have the habit of dressing well,
dress well to impress those who matter.
7) Look at powerful people; crowds stand in awe of them, even if their behavior is
awkward. Remember, Power eclipses Behavior.
8) Play by your rules, to win always. Push ahead; nobody gives way. And nobody sees
what you do in secret.
9) Others matter only if they serve your purpose. Wise up; when you are in trouble,
you are alone.
10)Waste is relative. What you see as good for yourself, others don't see. Why
bother?

Wittingly or unwittingly, a set of ideas, important to parents, is transferred to children, like in a blood transfusion, except that instead of blood, ideas get into the system. Once in the system, such ideas are difficult to siphon out. Perhaps years later, through inputs from grandparents, teachers and others who have a different set of values, children begin to question the ideas they received from parents. That is when Individual Programming begins to take shape. Some children may decide to squeeze out of their veins the bad ideas that flowed in them until then.
Such a cleansing does not happen always; even when it happens negative ideas do not get completely drained out.

10) Positive Parental Instructions

2009-03-30T11:31:00.006+08:00

"Good timber does not grow with ease. The stronger the wind, the stronger the trees."
Willard Marriot

Growing children are subject to two types of programming: Social Programming and Individual Programming. Social Programming happens through inputs children receive from parents, elders, teachers and others who have access to them. Individual Programming, which happens as the child grows and begins to reason, is the response the child works out to the Social Programming he received. With those inputs he chooses to agree or disagree or agree in part. The early years are crucial - the child is vulnerable and easily swayed by people he respects. That is why the role that parents play in the child's formation cannot be specifically defined - it goes beyond all boundaries and has an immeasurable impact on the child.

Let us look at a few positive instructions parents can give their children:
1) God comes first. His help is only a prayer away.
2) Family comes next.
3) Good schooling and college matter. They will make a difference at important times
in life.
4) A good name is better than riches. Riches perish, but a good name does not rust.
5) Health is wealth. It is only when you lose it that you know its true worth.
6) First you make your habits. Then your habits make you.
7) Your behavior speaks louder than the words you speak.
8) Win or lose, play the game right.
9) Caring for others makes us better human beings. We cannot touch the hearts of
others with anything less than our hearts.
10)Waste in any form is a loss. Time, talent, opportunity or others resources are
gifts from God; we have no right to waste them. Once lost, they do not return.
( Many such inputs can be given to children. This is just a short list.)

9) Parenting Through Instructions

2009-03-25T12:01:00.007+08:00

"The important thing is that children should grow up with parents who believe that there are some ways of life which for us today are better than others, and that these ways are worth defending with every ounce of our strength." Anna W.M.Wolf

The sacrifices that parents make for children edge out the heroics of soldiers in war and the passion of national greats who lay down their lives for their countries. For parents, there is no medal of honor, trophy or National Award. They give because of the joy of giving. Despite their good intentions and sacrifices, some parents end up having children who are selfish, unconcerned and a drain on society. Their selfishness is reflected in the way they bear grudges, throw temper-tantrums, indulge in destructive criticisms, self-indulge, demonstrate exaggerated feelings of inferiority, brag, bully and over-depend on parents. There is one way of describing such children:'spoiled brats'.

How do parents correct such behavior? Through well-thought-out Parental Instructions. Like tracks on the field, for athletes to stay within, Parental Instructions are guidelines for children to stay clear of corrupting influences and bad habits. Parental Instructions can be powerfully put across through example in action; they can also be conveyed through motivating words and unforgettable anecdotes. A glance from a parent can speak as eloquently as a well-orchestrated action. Such instructions should be reinforced with supporting actions. For example, if the lesson is on thrift, parental action should bolster those words.To say something, and to do the opposite nullifies the impact of the good words. For that reason, Parental Instruction and Example cannot be separated. For that reason again, parents have to constantly ask themselves if their lives are shedding light or casting shades.

Either through words or actions, or both, parents transmit their own set of values, to their children. If the value system of the parents is warped, there is every chance that children will justify their twisted logic, even as their parents did. By a process of osmosis, children absorb into themselves parental visions which are flawed or otherwise. The software children inherit from parents becomes the legacy which they log on to, even years after they have left home; and messages from what was once their home, flash on their mental monitors again and again.

It is not that 'good' parents succeed in giving their children only positive inputs.
Some negative inputs will disguise themselves and escape into the mental make-up of the children. But if inputs from parents are mainly positive and character-building,
children will find a way to counter the negative ones.

8) Parenting through Example

2009-03-23T12:49:00.007+08:00

"The only way to raise a decent human being is by being one." Ms Edna LeShan, American Psychologist.

Albert Schweitzer, Nobel Peace Prize Winner(1952), a genius and one who put love into action, laid down three basic rules for parenting: Rule 1 - Example; Rule 2 - Example; Rule 3 - Example. In one mighty heave, he placed Example at the pinnacle. It will stay there with little danger of being dislodged. Why? Think of a candle burning bright. It can light many candles and still glow no less. That is what Example does. Like rain and snow which fall gently from the heavens to water the earth, a good example nourishes those who are moistened by it.

We often hear children ask their parents inconvenient questions:
* "Mummy, you tell me not to lie. Then why did you lie to aunt Jane?"
* "Daddy, you tell me to keep my promises. Why don't you keep your promises to me?"
* "Mummy, you tell us not to waste money. Why do you waste money on so many parties?"
Would a son respect a father who exhorts him to be honest, when the father himself will not give up his dishonest ways? Will a daughter admire and be drawn to her mother who chides her for not being discreet and guarded in her speech, when she sees her mother constantly faulting others in non-stop chatter?

If parents are not consistent in words and deeds, they are asking for trouble, because today children are not afraid to question them; unlike children of old who implicitly obeyed parents. When parents do not obey the rules they frame, when they do not keep the norms they set, when their preaching and practice are discordant, they do not earn the respect of their children. Children would rather observe and imitate the example they see in their parents, than follow what parents say. No wonder Oliver Goldsmith asserts: "You can preach a better sermon with your life, than with your lips". If parents do not walk the talk, they forfeit the claim to obedience from children.

It does not mean that parents have to be perfect. As long as children see their parents as heavenward-looking, down-to-earth Role Models, they will bond with them.

7) Books on Parenting

2009-03-18T12:02:00.006+08:00

In the last post I referred to studying books on Parenting, as part of the education process. Today it is easy to look up the internet to find titles. Despite that, some books are listed below to make it easier for you in the search. The books are classified into six broad categories. Please visit your favorite book store and browse these titles to decide on what suits your particular need. (Please note that I do not have a vested interest in listing these books).

1)EARLY STAGES
*The New Basics, by Michael Cohen
(A to Z baby and childcare, for the modern parent. An upbeat look at common concerns of first time parents.)
*What to Expect the First Year, by Heidi Murkoff, Sandee Hathway, Arlene Eisnberg
(For your own; and for adopted children.)
*The Baby Book, by William Sears and Marthe Sears
(Everything you need to know about your baby, from birth to age two.)
*The Mother of All Parenting Books, by Ann Douglas
(Raising your children from preschool to preteens.)

2)LESSONS IN PARENTING
*Parenting With Dignity, by Mac Bledsoe
(Teaches parents how to instill a sense of responsible decision making in their kids, based on a strong value-structure and a sense of accountability.)
*Buddha Never Raised Kids and Jesus Didn't Drive Carpools, by Vickie Falcone
(Parents have to be skilled in adapting to situations.)
*Children Are From Heaven, by John Gray
(Practical system for parenting from the author of Men are from Mars,Women are from Venus.)
*How to Behave, so Your Children will too, by Sal Severe
(To improve parenting and disciplining skills.)
*Good Child Guide, by Noel Swanson MD
(Putting an end to bad behavior.The fastest and easiest way to get your children to listen and behave.)
*Scream Free Parenting, by Hal Edward Runkel
(Creating a loving family environment, filled with mutual respect and cooperation.)
*Fatherhood, by Bill Cosby
(A father writes of his involvement in raising his children.)

3)CHRISTIAN APPROACH TO PARENTING
*Parenting by The Book, by John Rosemond
(Biblical wisdom for raising your child - shaping respectful,responsible and obedient children.)
*Successful Christian Parenting, by John MacArthur
(Christians need to know what the Bible teaches about parents and how they should put those lessons into practice.)

4)SPECIAL APPROACHES
*Show Me You Love Me, by Tara Koerber
(A parent's guide to teaching children that they are valuable.)
*10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting, by Laurence Steinberg
(Research-based program on how to raise a happy, healthy child.)

5)DISCIPLINING
*Positive Discipline, by Jane Ed.D.Nelsen
(The first three years. Laying the foundation for raising capable and confident children.)
*1-2-3 Magic, by Thomas W.Phelan
(Effective discipline for children 2-12.)
*Parenting with Love and Logic, by Foster W
(For disciplining older children.)
*Discipline That Works, by Joyce Divinyi
(Disciplining reduced to 5 simple steps.)
*Dare to Discipline, by James Dobson
(A comprehensive guide on disciplining.)

6)THESE CHILDREN NEED SPECIAL ATTENTION
*Your Defiant Child, by Russell A. Barkley, Christine M.Benton
(8 steps to better behavior.)
*What Angry Kids Need, by Jennifer Ann Brown, Pam Provonsha Hopkins
(Parenting your angry child without going mad.)
*Explosive Child, by Ross W.Greene
(For intensely emotional children. A new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated and chronically inflexible children.)
*Parenting Isn't for Cowards, by James C. Dobson
(Dealing confidently with strong-willed children.)
*Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
(A guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent and energetic.)
*The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child, by Marti Olsen Lancy
(Helping your child thrive in an introverted world.)
*Getting to Dry, by Max Maizels, Diane Rosenbaum, Barabara Keating
(How to help your child overcome bed wetting.)