21) Problem-Situations (continued)

"Let him(my son)learn early that bullies are the easiest to lick." Abraham Lincoln

COPING WITH BULLIES:
Bullies are a real threat to children. They have nightmares because of them, bed-wet and throw a fit even at the mention of their names. For children, the problem is very real and traumatic, and not to be dismissed as 'timid behavior'.

Most often, bullies come from homes where they lack parental attention and discipline.Since they cannot 'draw' attention through refined and accomplished conduct, they 'call' attention to themselves through loud and unruly behavior. They get a few laughs and think it is fun.

Targets of such bullies see themselves as worthless, unattractive and unsuccessful victims. They are physically weak and fear the bigger size and greater strength of the bullies. Paradoxically, they secretly admire what the bullies can do, which they cannot. The problem that parents have to confront is not the bully, but the self-concept of their child. As long as the child sees himself as a 'victim', the bully-problem will not be solved.

How do parents solve this problem?
1) Not intentionally, but by acting without much thought, parents damage the self-respect of their children. From infancy they are put down as those who know little, who cannot do much and are regarded as part of the herd. As a result their self-image stays low. They see themselves as 'low value items' in the family. This is very true of girl children in some communities. For their own sakes, parents should remember that respect is a two-way street. If children are not respected, it will soon be their turn to lose respect. In fairness to children, parents should consider it top priority to build their self-worth (post 22 will address this point).
2) In a twisted perception of love, some parents over-protect their children, making them overly dependent on them. They feed Dependence and starve Self-Reliance. If children are not weaned from parents, in stages, they become parasites.
3) Because of over-protection, children are slow to make friends. Bullies exploit this weakness when they spot their 'alone-ness'. Children should break barriers and learn to make friends easily (post 23 will address this point).
4) Children should feel loved and bask in the warmth of the family. When they enjoy love at home, no problem outside the home is of consequence. Parents can build self-confidence in the children by giving them time in plenty, develop their interests, satisfy their curiosity for knowledge and give them praise.
5) Physical exercise and strength-building diet will make children physically fit, giving them stamina and zest. Bullies tend to keep off physically strong peers.
6) Children should be 'conditioned' never to fear the bully. Bed time stories and real life incidents on how people put bullies in their place, should be constant reminders to them that bullies are easiest to lick, because they flee when confronted.
7) Deborah Cowly, an expert on child behavior, recommends the following four
initiatives:
a) Discuss the problem of bullying at Parent-Teacher-Association meets, reminding teachers and administrators that their own children could be 'victims'.
b) Teachers should take serious note of any attempt by bullies, in her class or outside, to intimidate her students.
c) Adult supervision should be organized for field activities, where bullying is common.
d) The school should name a Contact who can be reached at any time to report a bullying incident. Suitable action should follow.
8) Back children in their attempts to win minor victories over bullies. As they gain confidence, they will fear them less.
9) Essentially, it is the attitude of the child that matters. If he is unafraid to stand up, the bully will know that he has met his match.

A mother at 18, was obsessed with her new born son. She would not let him out of her sight, carry him around and not put him down; smother him with flannels even on a warm day; screen his food and use a thermometer three times a day to check if he ran a fever. She went with him to school and stayed in the school premises to bring him back. He always ran to her when he had a problem. By encouraging such behavior, she was fulfilling her need, to be wanted; not his. In short, she was 'killing' him with her kindness. He is an old man today and weeps. He was bullied at school, in the place he worked, by his wife who left him soon after they married, and even by his neighbors. His mother is dead, but he is among the living-dead.

20) Problem-Situations (continued)

"So, if you ever feel angry or upset with someone, remember, it is your rules that are upsetting you; not their behaviour." Antony Robbins

AUTHORITY:
Some parents wield authority by shouting, threatening and whacking their children. Some others use tact, persuasion and encouragement. The problem is that parents get stuck in these 'formats", when they should be stuck in loving their children - which
means doing what the situation demands, for the good of the children. Because one 'format' uses harsh methods and the other uses gentle methods, does not make the first wrong and the second right. Like Situational Managers, in the Professional context, who adapt to situations and direct, coach, support and delegate team mates, mature parents should become Situational Parents. There are times when a stern warning or a sharp whack become necessary, especially when children are wilful and rebellious. At such times, to try 'persuasion' is not prudent. There are other times when a hug and whispered persuasion are appropriate. At such times to shout a threat is 'unparentlike'. The sooner parents adopt the flexi-situational style, the better for them and their children.
Authority comes from above, as Jesus Christ pointed out to Pilate, the Roman Governor, when he stood before the Roman. Parents receive their authority from God,
and must use it with humility and prudence. "He is my son; I can do what I want with him", is a false statement. "Your children are not your children; they are sons and daughters of life's longing for itself", is how Khalil Gibran puts it. Life is God's gift(post 3), and if children are 'life's longing for itself', they are God's way of
continuing the chain of life.
So 'discretion' is the channel, authority should choose. "Sunny, it is 6 O'clock and time for your home work", is how mummy calls her 9 year old to the study table. He pleads: "Mummy, please give me 5 minutes to finish the game I am playing. I am almost done". Now, mummy has two options to demonstrate her control over the situation. "No excuses. Get to your study table now", is one way. "Okay, my son, 5
minutes is fine. Enjoy your game and get to work in 5 minutes. I know you will keep your promise", is another option.
Which should mummy choose? The mother who believes in enforcing her authority will choose option one. The discreet mother, who believes that small concessions do not break rules, but only show that exceptions are permissible, will choose option two.
The same mother will make no compromise when the child lies or cheats, because that is when no compromises should be made. Not because she wants to demonstrate her authority, but because she loves her child and will not let stain besmirch his character.
Statements like: "Do it because I told you to do it", "No questions; just do it",
"A rule is a rule; no discussion", "Watch it; the next time you do it I will be very angry", and similar statements better be avoided, because they point to an autocratic mindset and not a loving attitude.
The important thing for parents to do, is to examine the rules they have framed(or,are they acting on whims?), and check on their flexibility, as long as the code is not violated. Shouldn't Rule Books be enough? Why should Judges preside in Court? Because circumstances have to be evaluated and Rules seen in perspective.
Mature parents see it that way. The ones who put off maturing, take impulsive decisions, fuelled by anger, because their rules are broken. Authority is a double-edged sword. It can wound the adversary; it can also hurt the one who wields it. How to wield authority is a studied art; like swordsmanship.

19) Problem-Situations (continued)

"No man ever really finds out what he believes in until he begins to instruct his children." Francis Xavier

DOUBLE STANDARDS:
A famous Mason and his son specialized in building Castles. One day, while at work on a Castle, they found that there was no mortar left for placing the last stone in the foundation. So the father asked the son to prepare a suitable quantity of mortar. The son told his father that there was stock of mortar meant for the walls, which they could use for the foundation. The father explained that the two were different; the one for the foundation had to be much stronger. The boy reasoned: what difference would it really make to that one stone in the foundation; no one would ever know in a 1000 years of the switch in the mortar. The father replied: Two people would know; you and I.

Some parents are careful to reinforce their words with action. Others are not that conscious. For them double standards do not pose a serious problem.
* "Simon, why is your room in such a mess?" That is dad's vexed question to his son.
Change scene; enter dad's room which is untidy and disorganized.
* "Cindy, put your toys back. They should not be out of place." That is how mummy
admonishes her daughter. Survey some of mummy's actions: her bag is still on the
carpet; her footwear under the dinning table.
* "When you have to do something important, always make a note", is mummy's advice
to her teenage daughter. Mummy was to make the Insurance Payment on the 7th. She
remembered only on the 9th. Did she make a note?
* "Why are you not regular in doing your exercise?" That was dad's enquiry of his
son who turned 18 last week. After many failed attempts to get started on a
walk-schedule, dad restarted on Monday. Today is Thursday and Junior did not see
dad go out for his walk on Tuesday and Wednesday.
Parents are eager to advise their children; which is good. The flip side is that they fail to keep those words, where they are concerned.As in many other situations,
we accuse others of the very sins we are guilty of. Put differently: `one rule for
others; another for us'. No wonder children ignore parental instructions and disregard their advice with impunity. And parents wonder what went wrong. If parents cannot live the life they want their children to live, they forfeit the right to counsel them.

A Japanese Proverb reads: `The parents' dishonour is their child's, and the child's dishonour is his parents' '. The belief of `guilt by association' is firmly lodged in the Japanese psyche. So, when children are guilty of serious misconduct, parents who are celebrities have to apologize in public for the wrong doing of their children. In the same way, children feel humiliated when parents are guilty of major lapses or crime. If the rest of the world learned from the Japanese Proverb, parents would be careful to back their good words with good deeds, and not give children reason to accuse them of double standards or make parental behaviour an excuse for juvenile deviant behaviour. The parent-child bond is cemented with self-sacrifice; which is sacrificing self to live up to high standards.

18) Problem-Situations (continued)

"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist." Mark Twain

COMPARISONS AND LABELS:
If there are young pessimists among us, there is only one direction the finger will point - at their parents. That may seem like a harsh sentence to pass on well-meaning
parents, who have sadly got it wrong. Harsh as it may seem, it is the fact. How do we explain that? Let us do a sample of statements made to children in many homes:
* "Tom, you are not as clever as your brother Pete. So don't try that."
* "Jane, your handwriting is bad. See, how well your sister, Greta, writes."
* "Shirley is strong in Maths. Denzil is rather weak." One mother confides in
another about her two children
* "Your daughter is so cute. I wish mine was half as pretty."
* "You lied again. You are a liar."
* "You dropped the fork. How clumsy!"
Labels like: lazy, clumsy, sloppy, dirty, untidy, dumb, arrogant, spender, miser, are stuck on children.

Parents have no intentions of pulling down their children. All they want is that the child gives up some bad habit; but the method of correction is faulty. Would dad like being unfavourably compared to his more efficient colleagues? How would mum like it if she was compared with her older sister, a mother of four, and labelled as
a 'less caring' mother? When parents dislike being unfavourably compared with others,
why do they inflict such 'punishment' on their children? What they gloss over is that such labels tend to stick; do not come off easily and do damage for life. Like Prophets of Doom, parents write out scripts for children, who stay faithful to such prophecies. Whether it is performance at school, or behaviour at home, 'labels' only drive children away from parents and in turn they give parents the label of being 'unfair'.

Parents need to realize that children look up to parents for good ratings. They treasure the appreciation and praise that parents give them. When they don't get such
encouragement, they turn elsewhere for commendation; even a smile from the school bully is valued. Without fully understanding what they do, parents drain 'hope' out of children, who become the young pessimists we encounter. They have lost hope in themselves; even in their parents and in God.

Setting high standards is good; a must.Pursuing excellence is important. But confusing 'failing' with 'failure' is not wise. Not just the 'result', but the 'effort' and the 'result' have to be appraised. That is what wise parents do. They remind children that 'failing' is part of the learning process. That love for them will not depend on grades they score in school or certificates they get for 'good behaviour'. The most powerful and superior form of love that parents can give a child is to constantly affirm the child's potential and worth, even if current performance is less than expected.

There is one suggestion for parents who are guilty: sincerely apologize to the children for past unfair comparisons and labels, and promise never to repeat such mistakes. Some parents may be shocked at this suggestion. Spare a thought for this
reason: if parents expect children to beg pardon for their mistakes, why should not parents set an example by leading the way through a sincere apology? That would be one way of telling the children that they shun double standards. Once the slate is wiped clean (which the children will like very much), a fresh start can be made.

A Speaker holds up a $50 bill, and asks his audience if they want it. Many hands go up. He crushes the bill and holds it up again.Many still want it. He drops the bill on the floor and stamps on it. Now he holds up the crushed and dirty bill.There are still many takers. Then he poses the question: why? Why do they want a bill that is dirty? He answers the question for them: because the value of the bill is not diminished. It is the same with a child. Even if he is stained with a few dirty habits, his value is not diminished. He is still precious.

17) Problem-Situations (continued)

"Two things are bad for the heart - running up stairs and running down people."
Bernard Baruch

SIBLING RIVALRY:
Children begin by running down their siblings. In time, they fault teachers and classmates; and not much later, parents. Unless the `running down' habit is checked, when it starts, parents better be prepared to become the butt of jokes. The `blaming game' is not new. It has its genesis in Adam, who blamed Eve, who in turn blamed the serpent.
Why do children pick on their siblings to complain, exaggerate and even lie? Because:
a) of the inane compulsion to appear blameless - `the other is to blame, not me'.
b) of the child's need to test the waters. If he can wade shallow waters(get away with minor tiffs), he will venture into deep waters(take on the heavy weights). Never
under-estimate the child's capacity to size up the opponent.
c) of the child's insatiable hunger for minor triumphs. Siblings are nearest and
therefore become the target. Scoring a point, managing to `fix' the other are
schemes that occupy the child's mind.
d) of the child's urge to assert her personality. She must gain credit, occupy space,
acquire possessions and climb the victory stand.
Sibling rivalry is common; found even in well-regulated families. That it is common,
does not absolve parents of their responsibility to check it. Their guilt is manifest when they allow it, tolerate it and sometimes take sides, not on the basis of fairness, but for other reasons. Sibling rivalry is an acid test for parental impartiality.
Heredity does not equip the child with attitudes; children will learn what they are taught. From the start, if parents spell out norms and enforce them, children will not get a chance to `manipulate' situations in their favour. Students despise teachers who do not maintain order in class. In the same way, children have a low opinion of parents who do not walk the talk.
In sibling rivalry, the affected child - the one who suffers at the hands of the bully - harbours fears. When such fears are expressed - `I don't like the way she pulls away my toys' - parents blunder by rubbishing such admissions as silly or sissy behaviour. If the child cannot freely express his fears to his parents, to whom will he? The child should not be forced into denying or hiding his fears; and not be disciplined because of the nagging fear he has of his bully sister. Subtly
and without giving up, his negative self-talk - `she is smarter than me' - should be
changed to positive self-talk - `but I am good at drawing and painting'. Denying the fact that the sister is smarter, if she is, is not wise. Instead, let him find a new line to bolster his confidence and an area of competence. Build on that by unearthing more strengths.
As children grow they will find ways to resolve disputes. But in the early years, strong signals from parents must put each one in his/her place. Accusations based on facts need to be probed objectively, but lying or exaggerating should be dealt with sternly.
During the famine in Mogadishu, Somalia, a visiting photographer saw a famished boy on the street. Out of compassion, he gave the boy a fruit. The eyes of the boy conveyed gratitude as he staggered to another little boy, his younger brother, who lay at a distance. The first one fed the fruit to the second, without holding back any part for himself. The photographer was deeply moved. A few days later he learned that the older boy died of starvation, but the little fellow who ate the fruit survived. Surely, their parents taught them a lasting lesson on sibling love.

16) Problem-Situations

"It is when you give of yourself that you truly give" Kahlil Gibran.

Parents face countless situations, when their parenting skills are tested. In this and the next few posts, we shall refer to some of them.

QUALITY TIME
Children often complain that parents do not spend `enough' time with them. Why?
a) Whatever parents do, the `perception' of children is what matters. When children feel that parents ignore them and `make' time more for adult pleasures and interests, the label sticks.
b) When daddy leaves early and returns late, and mummy works on shifts, they have a serious `time problem' because of their jobs. The home must be run; children given a comfortable life. Therefore jobs and the money parents earn, become crucial. If this is not clearly explained to the children, parents are misunderstood.
c) Children tend to compare themselves with their peers who have more time with their parents. Here again, parents have to study the two situations and clarify doubts to the children, in their idiom. Otherwise misconceptions continue.
d) When parents find it difficult to convince all the children, they should focus on the `one who calls the shots', and convince him/her. Once that is done, that child will convince the rest. Even if there are only two children, one takes on the mantle; the other follows.
e) When the gap between the spouses widens, mummy paints daddy as the villain. She is ready to make sacrifices for them, she says, but daddy does not care enough to find time for them. The children grow up unhappy with daddy. When they are older they find out that mummy played foul. In the battle of the spouses both lose.

How do parents tackle the recurring complaint from children?
By building TRUST, which comes from keeping PROMISES and being FAIR.
During the week, which is packed with professional engagements, it is difficult to set aside time for the children - to play with them or just chat with them. So, parents should creatively plan `fun' activities for the weekends and holidays. `On Saturday we will go on a picnic'. That promise should be kept, unless there is an emergency. The explanation that follows such a cancellation, better be good, because children do not easily forget broken promises and digits on their Default-Scoreboard go up. When more and more promises are broken, children place no store by the words of parents, and they lose credibility. Parents beware!

Anticipation is keener than enjoyment. When joint-activities are planned, it is the build-up, the anticipation that sparks enthusiasm. Parents should try to carefully utilize this period of waiting for the event, to counsel good behavior, because children are receptive during such times.

Some parents try to give children time in `quantity'; others in `quality'. Whether in quantity or quality, for children it is the `NOW' that matters; what they can enjoy now.

Besides planned activities, surprises add to the excitement that children experience.
When daddy, normally late from office, walks in early and decides to play a short game, or read a bed time story to them, or mummy takes time off from the kitchen to listen to happenings at school, the children treasure such times. The idea is for parents not to miss out on any opportunity. Kahlil Gibran was right. Only when children acknowledge that parents give of `themselves', and not just of their time, will they be satisfied.

A little boy, sitting at his doorstep, waited for his father to return from work. `Dad, how much do you earn for one hour of work?' Annoyed, the dad snaps:` none of your business'. Sad, the little boy goes to his room. After sometime dad goes up to his son's room. `I earn $50 an hour' he says. `Will you give me $25?' Surprised, yet eager to please his son whom he offended, he gives him the money. Then taking another $25 from under his pillow, he gives $50 to his dad with a request: 'Will you
spend an hour with me?'

15) An Examination of Conscience for Parents

"The unreflected life is not worth living" Socrates.

One of the preferred ways of setting off on a change-journey, is to begin with an examination of conscience. We want to change; become better parents by improving on the quality of parenting. What better way to start, than to find out where we stand today? (Please do not rush through this exercise. Read. Reflect. Respond.) A short
prayer before the exercise will do immense good. We need God's help to take us through this arduous journey.

EXAMPLE:
1) Can I honestly claim that my life is an example to my children?
2) In what areas do I see myself wanting?
3) In what areas do my children see me deficient?
4) If I were to make a list of lapses in this all-important area of parenting, what
would take the top three spots?

PARENTAL INSTRUCTIONS:
1) What are my priorities in life? It is these that will find a voice when I speak
with my children.
2) Am I rigid or flexible in the way I instruct my children? Do I adopt the same
style for all, not pausing to think that each is different, and therefore to be
instructed differently, while retaining the essentials?
3) Do I keep changing my instructions, based on circumstances that suit me? Put
differently, do my words reflect my double standards?
4) Do my children know that I live by a code and that I try to persuade them to
adopt a similar code (though not identical), in their lives?
5) Do I try to update my knowledge (for example, on social conduct, relationship
building skills and so on), so that my children benefit from parental inputs
which are constantly improving?

DISCIPLINE:
1) Do I flinch from disciplining my children, either because I believe that it is
harsh, not meant for children, or endorse the opinion that children will grow
out of their faults?
2) Do I blow hot and cold, disciplining more by mood, than the need of the child?
Because of this erratic behavior, are my children confused over what is
expected of them?
3) Am I partial in disciplining, sparing my 'pet' and being heavy-handed with the
others?
4) Do I follow some guidelines (Post 13), in disciplining my children?
5) From time to time, do I review my methods - using the more effective ones and
discarding the others?
In no way is this list exhaustive; it was not meant to be. The questions in the exercise are not penetrating, but general, because they are only intended to initiate the change-process, which is, untangling the knotted wires and reconnecting with our children.

14) LEAD PARENTING

"There are no juvenile delinquents; there are only delinquent parents."
Bishop Fulton Sheen

In posts 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and 13 we saw the importance of Example, Parental Advice/ Instructions and Discipline in the Parenting Vocation which is Love personified. When the first letters of Love (L), Example(E), Parental Advice/Instruction(A) and Discipline(D) are arranged, we get the acronym LEAD, which is the secret for the formation of children.

When a tasty dish is cooked, it is not just the cook who makes it possible. Without the right recipe and right ingredients, the dish would be insipid. Likewise, in parenting three essentials work together - Example,Parental Advice and Disciple - all done with Love. If one is missing, or below par, the result is not satisfactory.

Consider a parent who is a strict disciplinarian - rule enforcing. That is the good part. What if he misses out on the spirit of parenting, caught up only in rules. He
would do the children grave damage. And that is the bad part. In the same way, an
instruction-spouting parent whose example is poor, will not inspire her children to
follow her good words. Good example is not just powerful in itself, but doubles for
parental instruction. Besides, it lends special meaning to discipline. A child
disciplined by a parent whose example cannot be faulted, knows that his argument
against discipline is porous. When parents fail in the three key areas, they become
delinquent (to borrow a term from the Bishop).

13) Disciplining - Some Guidelines

"Disciplining without freedom is tyranny. Freedom without discipline is chaos."
Cullen Hightower

It is important that children understand the difference between license and freedom.
License is behaving without restraint, causing self and others harm. Freedom is controlled behavior; behaving with responsibility and accountability. There are boundaries that cannot be crossed. Since disciplining, or reining in improper conduct, is a risky business, following a few guidelines makes sense.

1) Disciplining should not proceed from anger, but spring only from love - genuinely
wanting the child to improve; and ensuring that the level of disciplining and the
degree of the offense match.
2) Set norms and warn the children that if those norms are breached, disciplining
would follow. Exercise caution in setting standards. They should not be
"impossible" for children to achieve; their ages, gender and fitness of body and
mind should be considered. Also, no setting of flexible norms for the 'pet' and
rigid ones for the others.
3) Disciplining after the breach should be immediate, either by dad or mum. For a
lapse on Monday to discipline the child on Saturday is unfair. Also, dumping dad
with the unpleasant task, makes him the villain. Mum cannot shrewdly escape
disciplining children.
4) Disciplining should be linked to a specific action of the child. "You behaved
badly in school. Your teacher sent us a note. That calls for some disciplining."
5) Every time a particular rule is broken, the same level of disciplining should
follow; if disciplining is called for, at all. Minor lapses should be treated as
aberrations, unless the child willfully repeats such actions. Grave lapses should
be dealt with sternly.
6) Empty threats don't work. "If you lie again, you will be disciplined." Those words
should be meant. If not the child will ignore such threats and parents will lose
credibility.
7) Playing favorites is out. If the daughter is disciplined, so will the son. If
No.1 is disciplined, so will No.3.
8) Trying to discipline the child from his perspective makes a big difference. A
father who is amused when his little son tears up an old newspaper, should not rap
him when he tears up today's paper. The little fellow gets confusing signals.
9) After disciplining the child, explain to him why it had to be done, and cuddle
him. He should not go to bed with rebellious thoughts.
10)Prefer the term 'disciplining' to 'punishment'.

12) Dare to Discipline

"Discipline is inevitable. If it does not come from within the man, it will be imposed from without." David Grayson

'Discipline' comes from the Latin word 'discipulus', which means 'to learn', akin to
'to teach'.

Discipline follows Example and Parental Instructions (Please refer to posts 8,9,10,11). The child sometimes rejects the person administering discipline, which makes it a risky task. Yet parents cannot absolve themselves of the responsibility. When they neglect or forsake such duties, school authorities will take over; and in later life, society and the Law will rather painfully carry out sentences that inflict punishment. Dr James Dobson, in his popular book, 'Dare to Discipline', draws a profound conclusion: 'Discipline is something you do for a child, and not to a child'. It is the loving purpose(and not the anger)which makes the difference between discipline and punishment. Children who have been lovingly disciplined, rather than arbitrarily punished, rarely look back in anger at the times they received some physical correction from loving parents. They get the message that
'limits' have to be set, since 'tough love' opposes the status quo. And they do not flinch from disciplining their own children, when it is their turn, because 'what child is there whom a parent does not discipline?' Hebrews:12-7.

Disciplining need not only mean physical correction, depriving the child of TV time,
access to toys or holding back some food which the child enjoys. It can be constructive, like: getting the child to read certain passages(based on the age of the child)and summarize them for the family at suppertime; getting the child to write a few lines on why he thinks he was disciplined; running a short errand, which he normally avoids; doing a chore at home, which is usually done by someone else;
finding the meaning of words, not necessarily from the dictionary, but by asking elders for the meanings; working on a brain-teaser like a riddle or a problem;
performing a task for a sibling; memorizing a short poem; cutting 15 minutes of playtime to add to study time and so on. The list is limited only by the creative urges of the parents. Constructive disciplining has its merits, one of which is obedience born of respect not terror.

Some children rebel against disciplining because of their insecurity. Deep down, they are uncertain of parental love. That is why a child must grow up completely
secure in the feeling that he is loved for what he is, and not what he can be.
A wise mother cautions: "Imagine the child to be a kite. Let him fly, but hold on to the string".

11) Negative Parental Instructions

"The greatest battles of life are fought out everyday in the silent chambers of one's soul" Anonymous.

It is the ill wind that blows no one any good. Negative inputs damage children more than parents can imagine. It is not that parents intentionally misguide their children; they would not want harm to befall their children. Yet in their own lives some priorities emerge, which they think will benefit the children in some way, and willy-nilly pass on such inputs. In the last post(10), I listed 10 positive inputs. The flip side of those appear here, as 10 negative inputs.

1) You don't see God. But money power is for all to see.
2) Even family will respect you only if you have wealth.
3) Schooling has a limited role. What matters is being worldly wise. There are
millionaires even among school drop-outs.
4) People see and respect what you have; not what they do not see. Possessions count;
keep adding to what you have.
5) You are right; health is one form of wealth. But don't ever forget that only cash
can settle medical bills.
6) Cultivate habits that serve your purpose. If you have the habit of dressing well,
dress well to impress those who matter.
7) Look at powerful people; crowds stand in awe of them, even if their behavior is
awkward. Remember, Power eclipses Behavior.
8) Play by your rules, to win always. Push ahead; nobody gives way. And nobody sees
what you do in secret.
9) Others matter only if they serve your purpose. Wise up; when you are in trouble,
you are alone.
10)Waste is relative. What you see as good for yourself, others don't see. Why
bother?

Wittingly or unwittingly, a set of ideas, important to parents, is transferred to children, like in a blood transfusion, except that instead of blood, ideas get into the system. Once in the system, such ideas are difficult to siphon out. Perhaps years later, through inputs from grandparents, teachers and others who have a different set of values, children begin to question the ideas they received from parents. That is when Individual Programming begins to take shape. Some children may decide to squeeze out of their veins the bad ideas that flowed in them until then.
Such a cleansing does not happen always; even when it happens negative ideas do not get completely drained out.

10) Positive Parental Instructions

"Good timber does not grow with ease. The stronger the wind, the stronger the trees."
Willard Marriot

Growing children are subject to two types of programming: Social Programming and Individual Programming. Social Programming happens through inputs children receive from parents, elders, teachers and others who have access to them. Individual Programming, which happens as the child grows and begins to reason, is the response the child works out to the Social Programming he received. With those inputs he chooses to agree or disagree or agree in part. The early years are crucial - the child is vulnerable and easily swayed by people he respects. That is why the role that parents play in the child's formation cannot be specifically defined - it goes beyond all boundaries and has an immeasurable impact on the child.

Let us look at a few positive instructions parents can give their children:
1) God comes first. His help is only a prayer away.
2) Family comes next.
3) Good schooling and college matter. They will make a difference at important times
in life.
4) A good name is better than riches. Riches perish, but a good name does not rust.
5) Health is wealth. It is only when you lose it that you know its true worth.
6) First you make your habits. Then your habits make you.
7) Your behavior speaks louder than the words you speak.
8) Win or lose, play the game right.
9) Caring for others makes us better human beings. We cannot touch the hearts of
others with anything less than our hearts.
10)Waste in any form is a loss. Time, talent, opportunity or others resources are
gifts from God; we have no right to waste them. Once lost, they do not return.
( Many such inputs can be given to children. This is just a short list.)

9) Parenting Through Instructions

"The important thing is that children should grow up with parents who believe that there are some ways of life which for us today are better than others, and that these ways are worth defending with every ounce of our strength." Anna W.M.Wolf

The sacrifices that parents make for children edge out the heroics of soldiers in war and the passion of national greats who lay down their lives for their countries. For parents, there is no medal of honor, trophy or National Award. They give because of the joy of giving. Despite their good intentions and sacrifices, some parents end up having children who are selfish, unconcerned and a drain on society. Their selfishness is reflected in the way they bear grudges, throw temper-tantrums, indulge in destructive criticisms, self-indulge, demonstrate exaggerated feelings of inferiority, brag, bully and over-depend on parents. There is one way of describing such children:'spoiled brats'.

How do parents correct such behavior? Through well-thought-out Parental Instructions. Like tracks on the field, for athletes to stay within, Parental Instructions are guidelines for children to stay clear of corrupting influences and bad habits. Parental Instructions can be powerfully put across through example in action; they can also be conveyed through motivating words and unforgettable anecdotes. A glance from a parent can speak as eloquently as a well-orchestrated action. Such instructions should be reinforced with supporting actions. For example, if the lesson is on thrift, parental action should bolster those words.To say something, and to do the opposite nullifies the impact of the good words. For that reason, Parental Instruction and Example cannot be separated. For that reason again, parents have to constantly ask themselves if their lives are shedding light or casting shades.

Either through words or actions, or both, parents transmit their own set of values, to their children. If the value system of the parents is warped, there is every chance that children will justify their twisted logic, even as their parents did. By a process of osmosis, children absorb into themselves parental visions which are flawed or otherwise. The software children inherit from parents becomes the legacy which they log on to, even years after they have left home; and messages from what was once their home, flash on their mental monitors again and again.

It is not that 'good' parents succeed in giving their children only positive inputs.
Some negative inputs will disguise themselves and escape into the mental make-up of the children. But if inputs from parents are mainly positive and character-building,
children will find a way to counter the negative ones.

8) Parenting through Example

"The only way to raise a decent human being is by being one." Ms Edna LeShan, American Psychologist.

Albert Schweitzer, Nobel Peace Prize Winner(1952), a genius and one who put love into action, laid down three basic rules for parenting: Rule 1 - Example; Rule 2 - Example; Rule 3 - Example. In one mighty heave, he placed Example at the pinnacle. It will stay there with little danger of being dislodged. Why? Think of a candle burning bright. It can light many candles and still glow no less. That is what Example does. Like rain and snow which fall gently from the heavens to water the earth, a good example nourishes those who are moistened by it.

We often hear children ask their parents inconvenient questions:
* "Mummy, you tell me not to lie. Then why did you lie to aunt Jane?"
* "Daddy, you tell me to keep my promises. Why don't you keep your promises to me?"
* "Mummy, you tell us not to waste money. Why do you waste money on so many parties?"
Would a son respect a father who exhorts him to be honest, when the father himself will not give up his dishonest ways? Will a daughter admire and be drawn to her mother who chides her for not being discreet and guarded in her speech, when she sees her mother constantly faulting others in non-stop chatter?

If parents are not consistent in words and deeds, they are asking for trouble, because today children are not afraid to question them; unlike children of old who implicitly obeyed parents. When parents do not obey the rules they frame, when they do not keep the norms they set, when their preaching and practice are discordant, they do not earn the respect of their children. Children would rather observe and imitate the example they see in their parents, than follow what parents say. No wonder Oliver Goldsmith asserts: "You can preach a better sermon with your life, than with your lips". If parents do not walk the talk, they forfeit the claim to obedience from children.

It does not mean that parents have to be perfect. As long as children see their parents as heavenward-looking, down-to-earth Role Models, they will bond with them.

7) Books on Parenting

In the last post I referred to studying books on Parenting, as part of the education process. Today it is easy to look up the internet to find titles. Despite that, some books are listed below to make it easier for you in the search. The books are classified into six broad categories. Please visit your favorite book store and browse these titles to decide on what suits your particular need. (Please note that I do not have a vested interest in listing these books).

1)EARLY STAGES
*The New Basics, by Michael Cohen
(A to Z baby and childcare, for the modern parent. An upbeat look at common concerns of first time parents.)
*What to Expect the First Year, by Heidi Murkoff, Sandee Hathway, Arlene Eisnberg
(For your own; and for adopted children.)
*The Baby Book, by William Sears and Marthe Sears
(Everything you need to know about your baby, from birth to age two.)
*The Mother of All Parenting Books, by Ann Douglas
(Raising your children from preschool to preteens.)

2)LESSONS IN PARENTING
*Parenting With Dignity, by Mac Bledsoe
(Teaches parents how to instill a sense of responsible decision making in their kids, based on a strong value-structure and a sense of accountability.)
*Buddha Never Raised Kids and Jesus Didn't Drive Carpools, by Vickie Falcone
(Parents have to be skilled in adapting to situations.)
*Children Are From Heaven, by John Gray
(Practical system for parenting from the author of Men are from Mars,Women are from Venus.)
*How to Behave, so Your Children will too, by Sal Severe
(To improve parenting and disciplining skills.)
*Good Child Guide, by Noel Swanson MD
(Putting an end to bad behavior.The fastest and easiest way to get your children to listen and behave.)
*Scream Free Parenting, by Hal Edward Runkel
(Creating a loving family environment, filled with mutual respect and cooperation.)
*Fatherhood, by Bill Cosby
(A father writes of his involvement in raising his children.)

3)CHRISTIAN APPROACH TO PARENTING
*Parenting by The Book, by John Rosemond
(Biblical wisdom for raising your child - shaping respectful,responsible and obedient children.)
*Successful Christian Parenting, by John MacArthur
(Christians need to know what the Bible teaches about parents and how they should put those lessons into practice.)

4)SPECIAL APPROACHES
*Show Me You Love Me, by Tara Koerber
(A parent's guide to teaching children that they are valuable.)
*10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting, by Laurence Steinberg
(Research-based program on how to raise a happy, healthy child.)

5)DISCIPLINING
*Positive Discipline, by Jane Ed.D.Nelsen
(The first three years. Laying the foundation for raising capable and confident children.)
*1-2-3 Magic, by Thomas W.Phelan
(Effective discipline for children 2-12.)
*Parenting with Love and Logic, by Foster W
(For disciplining older children.)
*Discipline That Works, by Joyce Divinyi
(Disciplining reduced to 5 simple steps.)
*Dare to Discipline, by James Dobson
(A comprehensive guide on disciplining.)

6)THESE CHILDREN NEED SPECIAL ATTENTION
*Your Defiant Child, by Russell A. Barkley, Christine M.Benton
(8 steps to better behavior.)
*What Angry Kids Need, by Jennifer Ann Brown, Pam Provonsha Hopkins
(Parenting your angry child without going mad.)
*Explosive Child, by Ross W.Greene
(For intensely emotional children. A new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated and chronically inflexible children.)
*Parenting Isn't for Cowards, by James C. Dobson
(Dealing confidently with strong-willed children.)
*Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
(A guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent and energetic.)
*The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child, by Marti Olsen Lancy
(Helping your child thrive in an introverted world.)
*Getting to Dry, by Max Maizels, Diane Rosenbaum, Barabara Keating
(How to help your child overcome bed wetting.)

6) How do we improve the quality of Parenting?

The problem begins even before the couple come together. When they plan to get married, their parents check credentials - family, caste, qualifications, job security, assets and so on. Seldom do they check on the compatibility of the partners and their readiness to bring up children with the right inputs. If the partners find each other, not seeking parental help and guidance, they too skip discussing children. Mutual interests, life style, strengths and weaknesses, preference in music, reading and internet sites, attitudes to sex and money figure in their conversations. Not children. Children are an after-thought. As a result, when the doctor announces that they will have a baby in a few months, they are pleasantly surprised, but ill-prepared. Some rushed action follows: reading up, checking with young mothers, preparing baby's room and buying things that baby will need - blue or pink. Even then there is little preparation on Parenting. So when the child arrives, it is just trial and error. When the baby cries what do we do? Give him a rap; no, cuddle him.

Why do these young people not get educated on Parenting? In every profession experience counts. Experience goes at a premium. When the first child arrives, there is no experience to count on. It is much, much later that they can speak of experience. What then is the way out?

1)Study (not read) books on parenting by truthful and trusted parents.
2)Attend well-recommended courses by tried and skilled parents,whose edifying experiences become unforgettable lessons.
3)Consult parents who have had successful experiences in parenting; whose children are role models for their peers.
4)Visit blogs which offer useful tips on parenting.

Over confidence in one's ability to cope with tricky situations can result in chaos in the family and harm to the child. It is wiser and safer to be educated in this
arduous, yet holy calling, preferably before the child arrives.

5) "There is no such thing as a problem child."

"There is no such thing as a problem child. There is a problem parent. "Dr Anuradha Oberoi, Child Psychologist.

A diamond is mined, cut to size and polished to become a dazzling, often high-priced
treasure. Sometimes it is chipped in the refining process; then it suffers from loss of brilliance and value. Parenting follows a similar process. When a couple get their first child(that bundle of joy), the mining process starts. They pamper the child with gifts and affection. At that time they do not know what 'tough love' means. Lapses, one after another, pile up. Such experiences leave the parents exhausted, but wiser. Cutting the diamond to size has begun. Years later, after much hard work, repentance and reform, the diamond begins to take on a glow. Parenting is then coming into its own, through hard won experience. However if the learning process goes wrong, parents are devastated - they have lost the glow they should have had. How does this happen?

Some parents learn fast; others learn slowly, refusing to benefit from the experiences of parents they know and watch. A few shuffle their priorities and form habits which harm children. For example: some parents, despite their avowed concern for children, forsake them to grandparents, baby-sitters or fancy day-care-centers, in the name of their careers, which they believe cannot be comprised. They are eager to provide children with greater financial security, expecting that money will provide the answer to all questions, the solution to all problems. Only later they discover how wrong they were. A few others have their pet passions: partying, gambling, drinking, hanging out with 'friends', listening to their favorite music and watching TV for long hours.

Attending to the needs of children, then becomes a spare-time activity, or an act of relegating responsibility to domestic help. Such parents feel guilty and try to over-compensate their children, indulging them with gifts and concessions. They think that such 'gestures of love' will earn for them the 'affection' of their children. Spouses even compete in playing 'benefactor', hoping to polarize the attention of the children in his/her direction. In time they find out, to their dismay, that they received only 'lip-service' from children who manipulated them to gain favor after favor. The gap between spouses widens; slowly they lose control over themselves, the children and the whole family. In agony they ask: "Why did this happen to us? We gave the children all that they wanted". Very late, they realize that love cannot be purchased.

Why do well-meaning parents end up disappointed? Dr Anuradha Oberoi's words at the top of this post offer an answer.It is a sledge-hammer blow to parents who really want to succeed in parenting, yet fail.In humility, if parents accept that part of the blame rests with them (and not look for excuses), the obvious question is: How do we improve the quality of parenting?

4) Holding up Parenting, the multi-faced Diamond

What is a Diamond? The Oxford Dictionary gives it the following meaning: it is 'a precious stone consisting of clear, colorless form of pure carbon, the hardest naturally occurring substance'.

Why is Parenting like a Diamond? BECAUSE A PARENT IS:

PRECIOUS: Who can deny that? A child who has lost his parents will vouch for that. Besides the child knowing that, it is important that Parents realize how vital their role is; and feel proud of being entrusted with the child, by a Trusting God.

COLORLESS: A parent should not suffer from any bias for or against a child. Any thinking which is colored leads to discoloration. Therefore, a parent will have no pets, no favorites, no preference for boy over girl or girl over boy. A mother of six was asked who of her children she loved most. She said that she loved that child most who was in trouble. When he got out of trouble, she loved most the next who was in trouble. Her focus was on the need of the child.

PURE: Parenting is flawed when the child is exploited and not served. Then the Diamond loses luster and value. My Father often said: 'Expectation is a sure recipe for disappointment'. Expect nothing; have no agenda, he explained. In the purity of his/her heart, let no parent expect payback. If it comes, by way of caring and serving acts of the child, treat such behavior as a bonus and be thankful to God and the child.

HARD: A parent is hard(tough) in making sacrifices for the child; without complaining; not expecting appreciation. And he/she is hard(strong) in resisting decadent and corrosive ideas and practices that try to eat into the family-fabric; and is hard(firm) in disciplining.

NATURAL: Loving and caring come naturally to parents. For them, it is not a show of affection, but the very beat of their large hearts. To them, it is as easy as breathing. In the shade of God's outstretched Hand,they mold the child for posterity.

MULTI-FACED: The many faces of a Diamond glow. So does a Parent, through diverse skills. Teaching and training; counseling and disciplining; providing emotional and physical support and healing. There is nothing that a parent will not do for the child.

SHINING: A Diamond dazzles and is brilliant. So is a parent whose goodness shines. Through some unchecked weakness, if a parent loses sparkle, the child is impacted;
sometimes irreversibly. So,a parent has no choice but to shine brightly.

How do we measure up? How many carats?
(More on these points will appear in subsequent posts.)

3) Who is Little Joe ?

Who is Little Joe? Is he a biological product?

Science can explain how the body of Little Joe is formed in his mother's Womb. It can trace his growth from embryo to full grown babe. But it cannot explain how 'life' was breathed into that child. In fact, Science is confused over explaining 'life' itself. At some point in his growth,in his mother's womb, Little Joe receives 'life'. At that point he becomes an unique individual. In the whole wide world, Little Joe will not have a clone; because when God breathed 'life' into his body, He did not want to create a copy of someone else. He wanted Joe to be different; special. No one like Little Joe ever walked this earth before; no one like him will walk it again. That is how God works. Not Science. So biology,at best can explain a few things; then it stops. Without doubt Little Joe is a gift to his parents from a Merciful, All-Knowing and All-Powerful God.
So, caring for a child, God's Gift, is about employing the 'Divine' streak in parents. Parenting is therefore, not just a duty, or a responsibility, but an exalted vocation; different from all others; dignified and ennobled, beyond comparison. By its very nature it places on parents the responsibility to adapt to the needs of each child; because each is different; unique.
Parents, are we conscious and proud of our calling?

2) Is it crazy to want to be a Parent ?

Why not check it out?

* Ask childless couples if they are crazy to want to move heaven and earth for a child.
* Ask a young mother who has just lost her infant in a fatal accident, whether she was crazy to have had that baby, in the first place.
* Ask old parents, who have just lost their only young son (full of promise and energy) in the war zone, if their years of parenting are wasted and lie buried under the tombstone of their son.

- What answers do you think we will get?

Is life weighed in pan scales? Should X inputs be balanced against Y outputs? If efforts to raise children are not recompensed, why the heck have them?

I have often wondered why people make sacrifices for others, with no reward in sight? For example, why would a man lay down his life for friend, when he will not even enjoy the glory that goes with martyrdom? Why would a mother sit by her child who has lapsed into a coma with no hope of recovery? Why would a father work his fingers to the bone to clear the debts of his vagabond son?

In relationships pan scales do not work. Parenting has nothing to do with rewards. It is the touch of the 'Divine' in us.

Is a child a gift from a merciful God or a biological product ?