30) Stages in growth - Infancy

Whenever God creates a person, He whispers to the infant:"You are my favorite. I have never made such a beautiful person before. I am not going to make another so beautiful again. You are simply unique". Arabian Proverb

Some specialists, in child rearing, maintain that children(boys and girls)pass through three stages. Stage one:Infancy, the first two years; Stage two:Childhood, 3 to 12; Stage three:Adolescence, 13 to 21. Anticipating changes in children, parents have to keep adapting at each stage. Following the same methods and style for the three stages, would bankrupt the bank of love.

In infancy(stage one), the mother sends strong signals of security to the child when:
a) she presses her infant to herself, b) she maintains face to face contact with the child, c) her verbalization to or about the child is positive, and d) she promptly and correctly responds to the needs of the child. The child senses how strongly the mother is attached to him. A survey done some years ago in India, in Maternity Homes, revealed that Nurses accidentally dropped new born babies. Surprisingly, there was not a single case of a mother dropping her infant, even if she was in her teens. The finding only confirmed what we know, that a mother would never drop her child; literally or figuratively.

At birth a chord unites the mother with her baby. From the moment the chord is cut, the child is separate; to be treated as a different person; an unique individual. He must be taught to be self-reliant, not helpless; and not be suffocated by his mother's possessive love. To develop the infant's potential and skills, the mother can resourcefully try the following options: 1) talk to her baby, in the womb, and after birth; make him feel wanted and loved. Such talking helps babies develop their own vocabulary. Most of them, by the time they are three, learn to form short, clear sentences. 2) Let them listen to music to enjoy melody and rhythm. Soon they will identify familiar tunes. 3) Encourage them to explore, rooms in the home, toys and things he can reach, as long as they are not dangerous to handle. 4) Label things as the green car, the red fire-engine and so on. Very early he will learn to identify common colors. 5) Cheer him as he tries new activities. 6) Hug him often.

We cannot adequately stress the importance of cleanliness. Keeping the child clean and the home clean are not negotiable requirements. Despite all precautions, babies will fall ill. They will catch a cold, have a bout of coughing, run a fever, suffer from a stomach upset, cry from colic, be peevish because of sleeplessness and so on.
Some mothers are crazed with anxiety when their babies fall ill. This is unnecessary
and unwise, because anxiety clouds the mind. Instead, find a good doctor who is genuinely interested in children and can empathize with anxious parents; and stick with him/her, unless the services of a specialist are required. Follow the doctor's advice. Avoid administering drugs to the child without doctor's approval. Only when parents know what drugs are specific to medical conditions, know their potency and side effects, should they attempt giving the child even the common over-the-counter
(OTC) Products. Watch the height and weight of the child to ensure that at no stage his growth is stunted. Very early get his sight and hearing checked. Guard against ear, nose and throat infections, to which children are prone. Also, check with the doctor on the need for vitamins. Experienced mothers are likely to come up with suggestions. Give them a patient hearing, but check with the doctor before trying anything different, even if it is time-tested. Please do not give the child a Soother(pacifier). A soother is habit-forming, delays the child's ability to speak, and fills the child's stomach with air, spoiling his appetite. A soother in the child's mouth reflects poorly on the mother's child-management skills. Dr Ong Eng Keow, Child-Specialist in a Singapore Hospital, strongly recommends playing with the child, right from the time he is one month old. Grasping, holding and pressing toys
increase his muscle-strength and improve his motor-skills.

Some mothers are obsessed over the eating habits of their children. They insist that children should eat enough of what they consider staple food - rice, bread, meats etc. Children prefer an assortment. Mothers ought to know that children will not stay hungry. When they are, they will ask for food. So, forcing them to eat what they dislike, is not in the interest of the children. As long as they do not gorge on junk food, aerated drinks and chocolates, it is fine. If they enjoy variety, let them. Ultimately, the nutrition, taste and calories count.

Some parents are flippant in giving their babies names like: Simple, Dimple, Twinkle,
Happy, Lucky and possibly the worst, Adolf Hitler. Somewhere in the USA, a Baker refused to bake a birthday cake for a child with the name, Adolf Hitler. Imagine the child's trauma when he is teased by his peers and given labels by adults who find his name 'funny'. Naming the child is an important decision, for which parents have to take time to check options(available on the net), and short-list a few; then discuss them and choose one which makes the child proud to own it; after all he will be called by that name for the rest of his life.

Actually, everything parents do for the infant, from the time of conception, is a manifestation of their love for the child. That explains the words of Penelope Leach:
"Loving a child is a circular business. The more you give, the more you get, the more
you want to give". The tribal woman, in the story that follows tells us how. In the Andes, South America, two tribes occupy opposite positions - one lives on the plains and the other, in the mountains. Their rivalry is perennial. Once, the tribe from the mountains raided the one in the plains and stole somethings and took away a baby.
The best climbers from the plains decided to scale the mountains to retrieve the baby. On their third failed attempt, they spied the mother of the baby descending with the baby strapped to her back. Flustered, they asked her how she did it. "Not your baby", she replied nonchalantly. Did she have to say more?

29) Home

"The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I passed at home, in the bosom of my family." Thomas Jefferson

'Home, sweet home', the song from the Opera Clari, composed by John Howard Payne(born 1791), became an instant hit. The song conveyed the wistful longing of the composer for the humble thatched cottage that was his childhood home, before he began his wanderings. The touching lyrics and the soulful music bring tears to those who look back to the time they had a home they loved. Although it is 45 years since I left my parental home, memories of that much loved home do not fade. Even today, when I hear the song 'Home,sweet home', I travel back in time to that unforgettable home, where I received much love and acquired some values which are dear to me.

Loving parents work hard to build a home for themselves and their children. In that place the family knits its relationships and constructs its value system. Winston Churchill testified to this fact when he wrote: "There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human society are created, strengthened and maintained".

What makes a home different from a house? LOVE. Love of God and one another. Where God is not present, love will be absent, because He is Love. Wise parents understand this truth and enthrone God as the unseen Head of the home. With Him at the center of family life, new meaning and purpose are found in the daily routine. Children learn of God from their parents, and find space in their hearts for Him. Parents who miss out on this vital input, do not build a strong foundation for the other inputs they give their children. At prayer time, which is built into the family schedule, the family assembles to praise and thank God for His countless mercies, and plead for His continued protection. Children who acquire this prayer-habit, carry it forward to their homes, when they start life on their own.

There are some other distinguishing characteristics of a good home:
1) Family meals: The family comes together at meal time(at least at supper time), to share experiences of the day. Children learn much at the dining table.
2) Family discussions: The family that links up through regular and warm chats, forges a closeness that grim circumstances cannot prize apart. Whether it is planning a family picnic, a change of school or a change in meal-timings, a family discussion, where all participate, binds the family with unseen bonds.
3) Family outings: Visiting relations and friends, outings to fun-spots, going to the movies, concerts and the theater - these bring the family together. Planning for these outings gives the children a thrill. As they get involved, they tap their creative urges, summon their organizing skills and learn to operate as a team.
4) Family celebrations: Birthdays, anniversaries, good grades at school, winning contests and other special occasions are reasons to celebrate. When the family remembers and celebrates these occasions, there is much shared-happiness.
5) Family entertainment: TV programs, music and games, when enjoyed as a family, keep the children from forming addicting relationships with the TV, Music System, Computer and playthings; instead they form memorable relationships with the family.
In Ohio, USA, a 17 year old watched video games for 17 hours at a stretch. When his parents objected, he shot them. His mother died and his father was seriously wounded.Deepak Chopra's words should set us thinking: "When love is replaced by an object, the result is addiction".

A home is where good values, good habits and good manners are taught and practiced.
Where honesty is never compromised, fair-play never disputed and courage never ridiculed. Where praise and gratitude are constantly expressed, apologizing and forgiving a way of life and Saint Paul's words(Ephesian 4:26):"Do not let the sun go
down on your anger", are a benchmark. And where trust in one another is silently and strongly built. With the abundance of the good-life, it is no wonder that 'you are treated best at home'.

How well a little girl of six understood this is seen in her brief exchange with a friend. Her parents and her two siblings could not locate a house to live in, at short notice, and had to stay at a hotel for a few days. "Too bad you do not have a home", her friend sympathized. Promptly, she responded: "Yes we have a home, but no house to put it in".

28) Couples

"Your relationship with your partner is the emotional glue that binds your family together." Vickie Falcone

We wish parents take seriously Vickie Falcone's admonition, and make the house a home where children live the happiest time of their lives, secure in being loved by caring parents, who love each other.

In the last two posts(26,27), we juxtaposed the roles of mothers and fathers. Now, we shall watch how they synchronize. Dr John Gottman, author of 'The seven Principles of making a marriage work', puts things in perspective: "It isn't so much about staying married for the sake of the kids. Couples need to stay happily married, if they can, in order to help their children". Happiness in the married life of their parents is important to children; they must bask in that warmth and be edified.

Men and women are so different in their physical and mental make-up, that getting them to work together, for a common purpose, is not easy. They will have to find the right motivation; consistently be energized by that force to overcome temptation; stay focused and fight fatigue.

Since working together is tough, some young couples are veering around to the view that a union between them is a 50:50 affair; almost like splitting an apple in two.
Your money, my money; your car, my car; you do the dishes, I'll take the garbage out;
you dust and clean the furniture, I'll do the beds. Right down the middle a line is drawn, dividing chores and possessions. With this system, the accounting is easier, when they choose to go their separate ways. Even before they start a relationship, a possible separation is factored in through a prenuptial contract. When such negative thoughts precede the union, separations happen over trifles. Live-ins are not even proxy unions. An arrangement of convenience will be governed by the conveniences of the consenting adults.

A marriage is really a 100:100 covenant; 100% commitment from each. On some days it will be 90:10; on other days 10:90 contribution. The 100% commitment to each other and the family does not change, only the quantum of effort varies, based on circumstances. The guiding principle is a spirit of sharing; not the accounting or the finger-pointing when there is a default.

J.Allan Petersen writes that most people get married believing in a myth that marriage is a beautiful box, full of all things they longed for: intimacy, companionship, sexual fulfillment. The couple soon finds out the truth that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. They must put in something, before they take out anything. If they take out more than they put in, the box will soon be empty. In time, they learn the art of giving, loving, serving, praising and forgiving. In short, they work at keeping the box full. Mignon McLaughlin uses different words to express the same idea: "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person".

There are hundreds of reasons why partners go apart, causing children untold sufferings. Among them, is a common reason: the compulsion to have one's way. It may seem old-fashioned to cite the example of Sita, but to those who understand the context, she is a shining example. In the Ramayana, the Holy Book of the Hindus, Sita is to stay back at the Palace, when her husband Rama is banished from court. Her forceful arguments prevail: "Dearer is her husband's shadow to the loved and loving wife; with her Lord she falls or rises". The Palace relents and lets her join her exiled husband. Women who wish to claim equal place and equal opportunity, may find Sita's plea distasteful. For them, the story that follows, may have a lesson.

One evening Leo Buscaglia's father returned home from work, gathered the family and informed them that his business had failed and that he was bankrupt. It was a silent supper that evening. The next night the family assembled to what was a fantastic dinner; almost a Christmas dinner. Leo's mother had sold some of her jewellery to
prepare for the meal, explaining: "The time for joy is now, when we need it, not next week". Their mother showing courage, optimism and oneness with their father, spoke more than her words conveyed. After that meal the family began to pull together. Leo, though very young, offered to sell magazines. His sister decided to work overtime. The mood changed, thanks to the wisdom and family-spirit of Leo's mother. That is what happens in families where spouses decide to face tough times
together and where children experience strength in unity. Ancient wisdom from the Chinese makes sense: "If the family lives in harmony, all affairs will prosper".

27) Fatherhood

"Fathers bring an unique presence, a special strength to raising children."
Ray Guarendi, Clinical Psychologist

Popular perception is that mothers are care-givers and fathers providers; that mothers are nurturing and that fathers are discipline-enforcing. Of late there is a shift in the traditional perception. Now, there is an increased merging of roles and sharing of tasks. With more mothers working full or part time, outside the home, this change becomes necessary. Flexi-work-schedules help, but mothers still have to balance professional and home responsibilities. To help such mothers, a new breed of super-involved, diaper-changing fathers is putting up willing hands. Some say that fathers can be as capable as mothers, if taught properly. Cases are not uncommon, of fathers opting to be stay-at-home-dads, allowing their spouses to take up rewarding careers.

Taking note of these changes, in a report published by Briton's Equal Opportunity Commission, the MORI Social Research Institute described four types of dads:
1) Enforcer Dad: He is not involved in day-to-day care of his children and sees the most important aspect of being a father as providing a role model and setting clear rules.
2) Entertainer Dad: He often entertains the children while the mother does the household work(cooking, cleaning and allied tasks); but he does not get involved in household tasks.
3) Useful Dad: He entertains the children and also helps out with childcare and some household tasks. But he still takes the lead from his wife about what needs doing and when.
4) Fully-involved Dad: He is equally involved with the running of the home and the family, as his partner, at least some of the time, and parental roles are virtually interchanged.

Most often, rightly, mothers corner the glory of child rearing. Sometimes fathers come up trumps. "I would be hard-pressed to find another father as dedicated as he is", is the warm tribute paid by a grateful child. "My dad was always there for me and my elder sister, no matter how busy he was. I grew up feeling very much loved and secure", are the words of an admiring daughter. And a little boy, near death, told his mother in no uncertain terms that he wanted his father by his bedside. He loved his mother very much, but now he insisted on having his father with him.
Memories of my noble father come back to me. He would never harm even those who harmed him, preferring to forgive them; and in many ways he gave to those in need, even when it hurt. He died long ago, but memories linger and there is an ache that will not go away.

Despite the occasional praise a father receives, he is asked searching questions:
Does he tune into the real needs of his children? Can they count on him at all times?
In a conflict-situation, is he understanding and fair? Does he create magic moments for his children? Does he bring his work-problems home and expend his frustration on his wife and children? Does he back his wife? And so on. Mothers seldom have to answer such questions, but fathers are not spared.

Since fathers play the disciplinarian-role(with many mothers dumping the disciplining
function on them), they appear stern and rather remote. Sadly, they are a misunderstood tribe. Some fathers choose not to explain themselves, preferring to be silent, and their families interpret their actions in a way that suits them. But fathers soldier on, marching to a beat in their hearts. That is why Wilhem Busch's voice strikes a familiar chord: "To become a father is not hard; but to be a father is, however".

A certain dad buys an Accordion for his son, who start music lessons, though he hates practicing. One day he challenges his father:"Why must I learn to play the Accordion?" Patiently, the father explains: "Because you can bring joy to people. You can touch their hearts.Someday you will have a chance to play beautiful music for your family. Then you will understand why you worked so hard at it". As the boy grows he plays less. When he is a grown young man, he decides to pack the Accordion and store it in the attic. Thirty years later,his children discover the Accordion in the attic and beg their father to play. He does play as his wife and children laugh, clap and dance to the music. Then his dead father's words come back to him and he woefully acknowledges that his father was right.

This story is true of what happens between fathers and children. There are four stages in their relationship:
1) When children are very young, it is:'only daddy knows'.
2) As they grow, it is:'daddy also knows'.
3) Into their teens and early adulthood, it is:'Really, what does daddy know?'
4) As they begin to grey at the temple, it is:'Yes, daddy knew'.
To this post, Charles Wadsworth's words are a fitting conclusion:"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he is wrong".

26) Motherhood

"Nothing will make you as happy or sad, as proud or as tired, as motherhood."
Ella Parsons

The last ten posts(16-25)focused on some problem-situations: 1)Quality time 2)Sibling rivalry 3)Comparisons and labels 4)Double standards 5)Authority 6)Coping with bullies 7)Self worth 8)Making friends 9)Helping children succeed 10)Nurturing the leader. We shall take a break from these situations, to revert to the mainstream. Later, we shall get back to a few more problem-situations.

Now, we shall invite the main characters in the parenting story - Mum and dad, one at a time - to take center stage.

A mother of 9 attended a series of talks on how people could choose to live better lives. Enthusiastic, she approached her Pastor with her new desire to become a preacher, like him, so that she could persuade others to better their lives. The Pastor listened intently to her and had these encouraging words: "You have everything in your favor and a ready audience - your 9 children". Put differently, the Pastor's advice to her was to focus on making 9 better people of her 9 children.
Just imagine what that would mean! Nine better people forming 9 better families, who in time would give society more better people. Without being a mathematician it is easy to tell that the power of a mother is a geometric progression. The Pastor had a point, certainly.

There can be no fitting or complete description of what a mother can do. A rather amateur attempt follows: She just loves her children and finds a 100 ways to express that love - feeding, cleaning, nursing, caring, understanding, responding positively, encouraging, educating, accepting them as they are, but trying constantly
to shape them into better persons, protecting them from harm at home and outside,
comforting them when they are in trouble, disciplining them with unlimited patience so that they see reason and mend their ways, and loving and respecting their father,
to the edification of her children. The Koran, like the other Holy Books, places on the mother an additional responsibility - to be the religious instructor, in early childhood. An awesome role!

How seriously mothers take their calling was seen in a few examples we quoted in this blog. The American mother who let her broad forehead be used as a mobile billboard,the mother of Thomas Alva Edison, the mother of Jane, the dancer, who taught her daughter to dance through life, and the missionary-mother of the 12 year old girl, astound us with their capacity to love.(These stories appear on the panel alongside the blog.)

What the mother teaches her children must come from her own exemplary life. Three devout Christians were discussing their personal preferences of Bibles. The first said that he read only the Catholic RSV version, the second extolled the qualities of
the King James 1611 version. The third was silent for a time and softly said:"I like my mother's version of the Bible. She lived the Bible in her daily life". This story makes me nostalgic; it reminds me of the God-centered life of my beloved mother, whose memory I hold sacred.

So much has been written on mothers and motherhood, that a well-stocked library could boast of a huge collection of such books. I have not read of a more touching
tribute to motherhood, in published works, than the lines of Thomas Carlyle: "Who is it that loves me and will love me forever with an affection which no chance, no misery, no crime of mine can do away? It is you, my mother."

Motherhood is the fulfillment of womanhood. Why then would women consent to abortion? It is puzzling; but not so when we consider the case of Paula
Carragher, who was given the option of terminating her pregnancy because of complications - her baby had Spinabifida, a defect in the spinal chord - but decided against abortion because of her religious beliefs and strong faith. "I owe everything to that decision, she took 30 years ago", writes England Footballer Jamie
Carragher, in his autobiography.

Since motherhood is so exalted a calling, it is perplexing that some would-be mothers
decide to abort their innocent and defenseless babies. It is not a thing that she can destroy at will, but a God-given life. Perhaps, the very life that could be her shelter and succor in her feeble old age. Say 'no' to abortion!

25) Problem-Situations (continued)

"Power shows the man." Sophocles

NURTURING THE LEADER:
In the last post(24), we listed points on how to help the child succeed. Here, we shall take up the very important facet of 'leadership'. Is there a duplication? Let an example clarify the point. In the cricket-world, Sachin Tendulkar is acclaimed as the Master Batsman. His success in rewriting the record books, is common knowledge. But is he Captain material? Going by records, he is not. He is successful as a batsman, but not as a leader. We should teach out children to be truly successful leaders, because the world is populated with Pretenders and Power-Brokers who pass off as leaders. They tend to acquire power through foul means and parade such power with impunity. Self-gratification, through the exercise of power, is their aim. They confuse leadership with the accumulation of power. Sophocles warns us that the way a man uses power, shows us who he really is.

When teachers were asked to list qualities they spotted in children who had leadership skills, they put down the following:
a) They are confident; others are willing to follow their lead.
b) They felt good about themselves; and made others feel good.
c) They had questioning minds; took initiatives; were enthusiastic/good-humored.
d) They treated adults and peers with respect.
d) They were not clinging but sharing; even with their toys.

1) The first thing children should learn about leadership is to have Courage of Conviction. They should be ready to stand up for what they believe, against odds, and live up to standards they set for themselves. e.g.,If they believe that cheating in a test paper is wrong, they should not cheat, no matter how strong the temptation, or how easy it is. By standing up, they will be faithful to themselves and to the promises they make to others.
2) A good leader is a 'we' person; not an 'I' person. So, he believes in team work, is ready to take and share responsibility, is happy in the success of his team fellows, will give them a large share of credit when the team succeeds and take upon himself a large share of the blame, when the team fails.
3) He will learn to be thoughtful and considerate of others and view their mistakes with compassion, not accusation, and be calm even in difficult situations. Because of his 'others-attitude' he will respect and carefully listen to ideas others have to offer.
4) He will immerse himself fully in what he does. Take a sieve and pour water on to it; the water drains out. Throw the sieve into the ocean. Water does not drain out because it is immersed in the ocean. When the child learns to immerse himself in what he does, he not only sets an example to others, but also does not let distraction drain his energy. He stays focused. A leader cannot lose focus or enthusiasm. His enthusiasm must energize others into following him and doing common things uncommonly well.
5) Every time he confronts an obstacle, pose him this question: "What if you tried to do it differently?" That will prompt him to try something new and look at obstacles as opportunities.
6) Look for ways to encourage, praise and make him feel good. In turn, he should try to make others feel good by thanking and praising them. The habit will work wonders for his personality - he becomes charismatic; others are drawn to him.

Ultimately, it will be his strong character that will make him stand out. In Mexico, the Jail Warden of a high security prison was respected even by the prisoners for his upright conduct and sense of fairness. One day a prisoner escaped from prison.
The warden tried to apprehend the escaped prisoner, but failed. Promptly he accepted full responsibility for the lapse in the prison-security and agreed to become an inmate of his own prison, to serve the unfinished sentence of the escaped prisoner.

CAUTION: Children will learn from parents. So, before teaching children how to be leaders, parents better learn how they can be successful leaders. We cannot give what we don't have. The sad plight of children growing up with parents who lack leadership skills is a harsh commentary on the poor example such parents set.

24) Problem-Situations (continued)

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

HELPING CHILDREN SUCCEED:
1) It is important that children set for themselves big goals and carefully planned small steps to achieve those goals. A child who is ranked among the bottom ten in his class, can get to be among the top ten, in well planned stages. High expectations should spur the child forward, but in steps he can take.
2) Use Role Models to inspire the child. Very often children mold themselves after someone they idolize.
3) Explore individual strengths. If one has a way with words, another has a head for figures. Build on their strengths.
4) Get fully involved in what the child does - in school and outside; acknowledge the fact that grades are not everything.Children who do not score high, despite their best attempts, can shine in areas that interest them.It is for parents to relate to their needs and encourage them.
5) Learning is not always fun. Let him not give up because it is tough.
Give him tasks and ensure that he completes them well, sometimes likening them to puzzles which he is accustomed to solving. Tasks should include chores at home, like polishing his shoes and tidying his room.
6) Help him to concentrate on the task; not to let distraction take away attention.
But be mindful that a child has a short attention-span.
7) When he needs help to complete an assignment, offer it, not by completing it for him, but by making him complete it, with a little assistance; clarifying doubts when he is confused and equipping him with problem solving skills. At the end of the assignment he must feel satisfied that he has completed a difficult task.
8) Teach, don't blame or insult the child with remarks like: 'you are dumb', 'how stupid of you' and so on.
9) If he has to deliver a short talk, help him prepare, redraft and rehearse many times. Don't draft the talk for him; he must do it; only then it will be his.
10) When he is nervous, teach him to relax, using breathing exercises and right postures.
11) Remind him of past successes. He should be buoyed by recalling those events and the joy that went with them. Success comes to those who find 'fun' in doing things.
Let him enjoy what he is doing, as he tries to succeed.
12) Help him understand the merit in contributing to team-effort. He will have to pass the ball to his team fellow who is better placed to score. If he does not let go, the scoring opportunity will be lost. His team will lose; he will lose. Good team work will give him a leg up in school and later, in work life. John Anderson, the Child Care Expert, stresses on the importance of children learning to be good team mates.
13) Give measured praise; based on the effort and result. For average, good, very good and excellent effort and result, praise should be graded. Much praise for an average effort and result confuses the child and expose parental hypocrisy. World class athletes (95%) said that parental praise and support helped them in the early stages of their sports life.
14) Experts give three reasons why children do not fulfill their potential:
a)Absenteeism - staying away from school for flimsy excuses.
b)They lack varied reading material at home and do not take to the reading habit.
c)They are allowed excessive TV watching.
15) The Experts do not caution against playtime. So, give him time to play and relax, the way he likes. His childhood will not return.

My boss gave me a simple tip 45 years ago: 'Hard work, planned hard work, consistently planned hard work makes for success'. It was true then; it is true today. Continents away, in the USA, award winning teacher, Rafe Esquith, in his book
'Teach like your hair is on fire', echoes the same thought. He calls his students
'unpolished diamonds', who will feel the friction of hard work before they glitter.
Someone rightly said: 'There are no victories at bargain prices'.

As the child gains in stature through repeated successes, teach him to handle success with humility, not arrogance. Kirk Douglas, father of Oscar Award winning Actor, Michael Douglas, sent him a note which read: 'Michael, I'm more proud of how you handle success, than I am of your success'. Would to God that parents can say that of their children, as they move from one success to the next.

23) Problem-Situations (continued)

A small boy defined a friend as: "Someone who knows all about you, and likes you just the same".

MAKING FRIENDS:
Children need friends as badly as they need good food and clean air. Without friends their learning is impeded, their personalities do not glow, and their happiness is not multiplied; their growth is stunted. Therefore parents have a responsibility to help children make friends and cultivate friendships, in particular, in the early years of childhood. There is a danger that some ill-bred children get close to them, when they try to make friends. With a watchful eye, parents can guard their children from such negative influences and help convert such encounters into opportunities - for being a good influence on those unfortunate little ones.

Some children make friends easily. They need little or no help. Parents of such children can help screen the wide circle of friends they attract. Some other children have to be coaxed into contact with peers. It is these children who need help, in the following ways:
1) Parents can introduce their children to children of their friends, and those in the neighborhood. They could arrange for a few get-together evenings, when their children can mix freely with others.
2) Children can be persuaded to remember the birthdays of their new friends and send them cards and small gifts on their birthdays.
3) Parents can help children develop interests which attract other children. Football, cricket and other popular team games bring children together. Soon they have buddies with the same interest.
4) When coaxing children to make friends, parents should respect individuality - some are gregarious, others loners. The loners prefer playing alone and talking to themselves. Such children should not be pushed into group games, but allowed to watch, and join the group only when they are ready.
5) Children should be taught that the best way to make friends is to be interested in others. Greetings others, without waiting to be greeted; smiling warmly and calling others by the names they liked to be called; being considerate and helpful; giving praise and never forgetting good manners - are a few lasting lessons parents can teach their children, as long as they are examples for the lessons they teach.

There are some parents who claim that they and their children are friends. Being friendly and friends are not the same. When parents become friends of their children, they lose an essential 'distance' they need to maintain for proper counseling and timely discipline. In time they find that the respect they should get from their children is eroded. The healthy parent-child relationship is endangered.

Two TV technicians were friends and decided to work as a pair. On one job they had to fix a broken TV antenna. Since they did not carry a ladder, one of them let the other stand on his shoulders, to weld the broken piece. The job completed, the fellow on the top descended to find his friend collapsing - from terrible burns all over his body. Molten lead from the welding kept falling on him, but he did not budge or let out a cry from his lips. If he had jerked or moved abruptly, his friend would have fallen to his death from that high-rise apartment, where they worked.
Socrates made an important point on friendship when he wrote: "There is no possession more valuable than a good and faithful friend".

22) Problem-Situations (continued)

"More than anything else, teach him to WALK TALL." Khalil Gibran

SELF-WORTH:
One of the better gifts parents can give their children is Self-Worth, which is confidence in their God-given talents and abilities, and the desire to actualize their potential; to WALK TALL. This is a tough task. How do parents go about it?

1) Let the child be an overseen risk-taker. As long as he does not expose himself to serious danger, let him explore; e.g. go to the attic alone, if he wants to.
2) Discourage self-pity ('I am not good at painting'). Instead, remind him of the success he has in other areas.
3) Let him develop his own interest. If Music beckons him, let him go to it, as long as he does not neglect other areas essential to his growth.
4) The child will need training of skills and constructive feedback. Parents can be regular coaches to children who show promise. Honor small requests; discuss the big ones. Even when a request is turned down, he must know that he is loved.
5) Help him realize his potential. The pursuit of excellence entails goal-oriented
labor and perseverance. Such goal-setting should be adjusted to the capacity of the child. One who is less gifted cannot go after the goals set for the more gifted. In the pursuit of such goals, the child should learn to win and lose gracefully; not gloat when he wins and sulk when he loses. To help him, we could assign him tasks and evaluate his performance.
6) He must know that whining is not acceptable. Rather, encourage him to honestly express his feelings: 'I don't like the way George snatches my toys'. Then discuss those feelings.
7) Let him learn to look at the goodness in people, and not at their weakness; being less judgmental. The difference between judging and being judgmental should be explained to him. We all judge - form opinions about people, places and things; but we all could refrain from being judgmental, which is being excessively critical of others. Rough edges in his personality can be gently filed away.
8) Parents could encourage in him a sense of fairness in treating those around him, in particular, the less privileged.
9) Let him have the courage to apologize when he is wrong, and be gracious to forgive others when they are wrong.
10) Develop in him the habit of praising and thanking others, even for small acts of kindness, starting with those at home.
11) He must know that others in life are important. Selfishness in any form, destroys character and performance. One way of helping him, is to get him to share food, toys and anything that he calls 'mine'.
12) Never allow tantrums. Parents should put an immediate stop to them, if necessary, with some form of disciplining.
13) Focus on behavior: 'your lazy behavior must change' and not 'you are a lazy boy'. Reinforce good behavior; when he puts away his toys, compliment him.
14) Monitor his TV time and the programs he watches. Let TV watching not become an addiction. Also, check his reading habits, the internet he logs onto and the company he keeps.
15) Treat him like a person. Listen to him when he talks and reply him like we would a grown-up.
16) Create an enjoyable family culture. Disputes in the family and between the spouses do incalculable harm to the child. Opposing rules made by the spouses confuse the child. He will develop a polarity in favor of the more lenient parent.
17) Even if he is slow in building self-worth, hug him and reassure him often. He needs love, demonstrated.

21) Problem-Situations (continued)

"Let him(my son)learn early that bullies are the easiest to lick." Abraham Lincoln

COPING WITH BULLIES:
Bullies are a real threat to children. They have nightmares because of them, bed-wet and throw a fit even at the mention of their names. For children, the problem is very real and traumatic, and not to be dismissed as 'timid behavior'.

Most often, bullies come from homes where they lack parental attention and discipline.Since they cannot 'draw' attention through refined and accomplished conduct, they 'call' attention to themselves through loud and unruly behavior. They get a few laughs and think it is fun.

Targets of such bullies see themselves as worthless, unattractive and unsuccessful victims. They are physically weak and fear the bigger size and greater strength of the bullies. Paradoxically, they secretly admire what the bullies can do, which they cannot. The problem that parents have to confront is not the bully, but the self-concept of their child. As long as the child sees himself as a 'victim', the bully-problem will not be solved.

How do parents solve this problem?
1) Not intentionally, but by acting without much thought, parents damage the self-respect of their children. From infancy they are put down as those who know little, who cannot do much and are regarded as part of the herd. As a result their self-image stays low. They see themselves as 'low value items' in the family. This is very true of girl children in some communities. For their own sakes, parents should remember that respect is a two-way street. If children are not respected, it will soon be their turn to lose respect. In fairness to children, parents should consider it top priority to build their self-worth (post 22 will address this point).
2) In a twisted perception of love, some parents over-protect their children, making them overly dependent on them. They feed Dependence and starve Self-Reliance. If children are not weaned from parents, in stages, they become parasites.
3) Because of over-protection, children are slow to make friends. Bullies exploit this weakness when they spot their 'alone-ness'. Children should break barriers and learn to make friends easily (post 23 will address this point).
4) Children should feel loved and bask in the warmth of the family. When they enjoy love at home, no problem outside the home is of consequence. Parents can build self-confidence in the children by giving them time in plenty, develop their interests, satisfy their curiosity for knowledge and give them praise.
5) Physical exercise and strength-building diet will make children physically fit, giving them stamina and zest. Bullies tend to keep off physically strong peers.
6) Children should be 'conditioned' never to fear the bully. Bed time stories and real life incidents on how people put bullies in their place, should be constant reminders to them that bullies are easiest to lick, because they flee when confronted.
7) Deborah Cowly, an expert on child behavior, recommends the following four
initiatives:
a) Discuss the problem of bullying at Parent-Teacher-Association meets, reminding teachers and administrators that their own children could be 'victims'.
b) Teachers should take serious note of any attempt by bullies, in her class or outside, to intimidate her students.
c) Adult supervision should be organized for field activities, where bullying is common.
d) The school should name a Contact who can be reached at any time to report a bullying incident. Suitable action should follow.
8) Back children in their attempts to win minor victories over bullies. As they gain confidence, they will fear them less.
9) Essentially, it is the attitude of the child that matters. If he is unafraid to stand up, the bully will know that he has met his match.

A mother at 18, was obsessed with her new born son. She would not let him out of her sight, carry him around and not put him down; smother him with flannels even on a warm day; screen his food and use a thermometer three times a day to check if he ran a fever. She went with him to school and stayed in the school premises to bring him back. He always ran to her when he had a problem. By encouraging such behavior, she was fulfilling her need, to be wanted; not his. In short, she was 'killing' him with her kindness. He is an old man today and weeps. He was bullied at school, in the place he worked, by his wife who left him soon after they married, and even by his neighbors. His mother is dead, but he is among the living-dead.

20) Problem-Situations (continued)

"So, if you ever feel angry or upset with someone, remember, it is your rules that are upsetting you; not their behaviour." Antony Robbins

AUTHORITY:
Some parents wield authority by shouting, threatening and whacking their children. Some others use tact, persuasion and encouragement. The problem is that parents get stuck in these 'formats", when they should be stuck in loving their children - which
means doing what the situation demands, for the good of the children. Because one 'format' uses harsh methods and the other uses gentle methods, does not make the first wrong and the second right. Like Situational Managers, in the Professional context, who adapt to situations and direct, coach, support and delegate team mates, mature parents should become Situational Parents. There are times when a stern warning or a sharp whack become necessary, especially when children are wilful and rebellious. At such times, to try 'persuasion' is not prudent. There are other times when a hug and whispered persuasion are appropriate. At such times to shout a threat is 'unparentlike'. The sooner parents adopt the flexi-situational style, the better for them and their children.
Authority comes from above, as Jesus Christ pointed out to Pilate, the Roman Governor, when he stood before the Roman. Parents receive their authority from God,
and must use it with humility and prudence. "He is my son; I can do what I want with him", is a false statement. "Your children are not your children; they are sons and daughters of life's longing for itself", is how Khalil Gibran puts it. Life is God's gift(post 3), and if children are 'life's longing for itself', they are God's way of
continuing the chain of life.
So 'discretion' is the channel, authority should choose. "Sunny, it is 6 O'clock and time for your home work", is how mummy calls her 9 year old to the study table. He pleads: "Mummy, please give me 5 minutes to finish the game I am playing. I am almost done". Now, mummy has two options to demonstrate her control over the situation. "No excuses. Get to your study table now", is one way. "Okay, my son, 5
minutes is fine. Enjoy your game and get to work in 5 minutes. I know you will keep your promise", is another option.
Which should mummy choose? The mother who believes in enforcing her authority will choose option one. The discreet mother, who believes that small concessions do not break rules, but only show that exceptions are permissible, will choose option two.
The same mother will make no compromise when the child lies or cheats, because that is when no compromises should be made. Not because she wants to demonstrate her authority, but because she loves her child and will not let stain besmirch his character.
Statements like: "Do it because I told you to do it", "No questions; just do it",
"A rule is a rule; no discussion", "Watch it; the next time you do it I will be very angry", and similar statements better be avoided, because they point to an autocratic mindset and not a loving attitude.
The important thing for parents to do, is to examine the rules they have framed(or,are they acting on whims?), and check on their flexibility, as long as the code is not violated. Shouldn't Rule Books be enough? Why should Judges preside in Court? Because circumstances have to be evaluated and Rules seen in perspective.
Mature parents see it that way. The ones who put off maturing, take impulsive decisions, fuelled by anger, because their rules are broken. Authority is a double-edged sword. It can wound the adversary; it can also hurt the one who wields it. How to wield authority is a studied art; like swordsmanship.

19) Problem-Situations (continued)

"No man ever really finds out what he believes in until he begins to instruct his children." Francis Xavier

DOUBLE STANDARDS:
A famous Mason and his son specialized in building Castles. One day, while at work on a Castle, they found that there was no mortar left for placing the last stone in the foundation. So the father asked the son to prepare a suitable quantity of mortar. The son told his father that there was stock of mortar meant for the walls, which they could use for the foundation. The father explained that the two were different; the one for the foundation had to be much stronger. The boy reasoned: what difference would it really make to that one stone in the foundation; no one would ever know in a 1000 years of the switch in the mortar. The father replied: Two people would know; you and I.

Some parents are careful to reinforce their words with action. Others are not that conscious. For them double standards do not pose a serious problem.
* "Simon, why is your room in such a mess?" That is dad's vexed question to his son.
Change scene; enter dad's room which is untidy and disorganized.
* "Cindy, put your toys back. They should not be out of place." That is how mummy
admonishes her daughter. Survey some of mummy's actions: her bag is still on the
carpet; her footwear under the dinning table.
* "When you have to do something important, always make a note", is mummy's advice
to her teenage daughter. Mummy was to make the Insurance Payment on the 7th. She
remembered only on the 9th. Did she make a note?
* "Why are you not regular in doing your exercise?" That was dad's enquiry of his
son who turned 18 last week. After many failed attempts to get started on a
walk-schedule, dad restarted on Monday. Today is Thursday and Junior did not see
dad go out for his walk on Tuesday and Wednesday.
Parents are eager to advise their children; which is good. The flip side is that they fail to keep those words, where they are concerned.As in many other situations,
we accuse others of the very sins we are guilty of. Put differently: `one rule for
others; another for us'. No wonder children ignore parental instructions and disregard their advice with impunity. And parents wonder what went wrong. If parents cannot live the life they want their children to live, they forfeit the right to counsel them.

A Japanese Proverb reads: `The parents' dishonour is their child's, and the child's dishonour is his parents' '. The belief of `guilt by association' is firmly lodged in the Japanese psyche. So, when children are guilty of serious misconduct, parents who are celebrities have to apologize in public for the wrong doing of their children. In the same way, children feel humiliated when parents are guilty of major lapses or crime. If the rest of the world learned from the Japanese Proverb, parents would be careful to back their good words with good deeds, and not give children reason to accuse them of double standards or make parental behaviour an excuse for juvenile deviant behaviour. The parent-child bond is cemented with self-sacrifice; which is sacrificing self to live up to high standards.

18) Problem-Situations (continued)

"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist." Mark Twain

COMPARISONS AND LABELS:
If there are young pessimists among us, there is only one direction the finger will point - at their parents. That may seem like a harsh sentence to pass on well-meaning
parents, who have sadly got it wrong. Harsh as it may seem, it is the fact. How do we explain that? Let us do a sample of statements made to children in many homes:
* "Tom, you are not as clever as your brother Pete. So don't try that."
* "Jane, your handwriting is bad. See, how well your sister, Greta, writes."
* "Shirley is strong in Maths. Denzil is rather weak." One mother confides in
another about her two children
* "Your daughter is so cute. I wish mine was half as pretty."
* "You lied again. You are a liar."
* "You dropped the fork. How clumsy!"
Labels like: lazy, clumsy, sloppy, dirty, untidy, dumb, arrogant, spender, miser, are stuck on children.

Parents have no intentions of pulling down their children. All they want is that the child gives up some bad habit; but the method of correction is faulty. Would dad like being unfavourably compared to his more efficient colleagues? How would mum like it if she was compared with her older sister, a mother of four, and labelled as
a 'less caring' mother? When parents dislike being unfavourably compared with others,
why do they inflict such 'punishment' on their children? What they gloss over is that such labels tend to stick; do not come off easily and do damage for life. Like Prophets of Doom, parents write out scripts for children, who stay faithful to such prophecies. Whether it is performance at school, or behaviour at home, 'labels' only drive children away from parents and in turn they give parents the label of being 'unfair'.

Parents need to realize that children look up to parents for good ratings. They treasure the appreciation and praise that parents give them. When they don't get such
encouragement, they turn elsewhere for commendation; even a smile from the school bully is valued. Without fully understanding what they do, parents drain 'hope' out of children, who become the young pessimists we encounter. They have lost hope in themselves; even in their parents and in God.

Setting high standards is good; a must.Pursuing excellence is important. But confusing 'failing' with 'failure' is not wise. Not just the 'result', but the 'effort' and the 'result' have to be appraised. That is what wise parents do. They remind children that 'failing' is part of the learning process. That love for them will not depend on grades they score in school or certificates they get for 'good behaviour'. The most powerful and superior form of love that parents can give a child is to constantly affirm the child's potential and worth, even if current performance is less than expected.

There is one suggestion for parents who are guilty: sincerely apologize to the children for past unfair comparisons and labels, and promise never to repeat such mistakes. Some parents may be shocked at this suggestion. Spare a thought for this
reason: if parents expect children to beg pardon for their mistakes, why should not parents set an example by leading the way through a sincere apology? That would be one way of telling the children that they shun double standards. Once the slate is wiped clean (which the children will like very much), a fresh start can be made.

A Speaker holds up a $50 bill, and asks his audience if they want it. Many hands go up. He crushes the bill and holds it up again.Many still want it. He drops the bill on the floor and stamps on it. Now he holds up the crushed and dirty bill.There are still many takers. Then he poses the question: why? Why do they want a bill that is dirty? He answers the question for them: because the value of the bill is not diminished. It is the same with a child. Even if he is stained with a few dirty habits, his value is not diminished. He is still precious.

17) Problem-Situations (continued)

"Two things are bad for the heart - running up stairs and running down people."
Bernard Baruch

SIBLING RIVALRY:
Children begin by running down their siblings. In time, they fault teachers and classmates; and not much later, parents. Unless the `running down' habit is checked, when it starts, parents better be prepared to become the butt of jokes. The `blaming game' is not new. It has its genesis in Adam, who blamed Eve, who in turn blamed the serpent.
Why do children pick on their siblings to complain, exaggerate and even lie? Because:
a) of the inane compulsion to appear blameless - `the other is to blame, not me'.
b) of the child's need to test the waters. If he can wade shallow waters(get away with minor tiffs), he will venture into deep waters(take on the heavy weights). Never
under-estimate the child's capacity to size up the opponent.
c) of the child's insatiable hunger for minor triumphs. Siblings are nearest and
therefore become the target. Scoring a point, managing to `fix' the other are
schemes that occupy the child's mind.
d) of the child's urge to assert her personality. She must gain credit, occupy space,
acquire possessions and climb the victory stand.
Sibling rivalry is common; found even in well-regulated families. That it is common,
does not absolve parents of their responsibility to check it. Their guilt is manifest when they allow it, tolerate it and sometimes take sides, not on the basis of fairness, but for other reasons. Sibling rivalry is an acid test for parental impartiality.
Heredity does not equip the child with attitudes; children will learn what they are taught. From the start, if parents spell out norms and enforce them, children will not get a chance to `manipulate' situations in their favour. Students despise teachers who do not maintain order in class. In the same way, children have a low opinion of parents who do not walk the talk.
In sibling rivalry, the affected child - the one who suffers at the hands of the bully - harbours fears. When such fears are expressed - `I don't like the way she pulls away my toys' - parents blunder by rubbishing such admissions as silly or sissy behaviour. If the child cannot freely express his fears to his parents, to whom will he? The child should not be forced into denying or hiding his fears; and not be disciplined because of the nagging fear he has of his bully sister. Subtly
and without giving up, his negative self-talk - `she is smarter than me' - should be
changed to positive self-talk - `but I am good at drawing and painting'. Denying the fact that the sister is smarter, if she is, is not wise. Instead, let him find a new line to bolster his confidence and an area of competence. Build on that by unearthing more strengths.
As children grow they will find ways to resolve disputes. But in the early years, strong signals from parents must put each one in his/her place. Accusations based on facts need to be probed objectively, but lying or exaggerating should be dealt with sternly.
During the famine in Mogadishu, Somalia, a visiting photographer saw a famished boy on the street. Out of compassion, he gave the boy a fruit. The eyes of the boy conveyed gratitude as he staggered to another little boy, his younger brother, who lay at a distance. The first one fed the fruit to the second, without holding back any part for himself. The photographer was deeply moved. A few days later he learned that the older boy died of starvation, but the little fellow who ate the fruit survived. Surely, their parents taught them a lasting lesson on sibling love.

16) Problem-Situations

"It is when you give of yourself that you truly give" Kahlil Gibran.

Parents face countless situations, when their parenting skills are tested. In this and the next few posts, we shall refer to some of them.

QUALITY TIME
Children often complain that parents do not spend `enough' time with them. Why?
a) Whatever parents do, the `perception' of children is what matters. When children feel that parents ignore them and `make' time more for adult pleasures and interests, the label sticks.
b) When daddy leaves early and returns late, and mummy works on shifts, they have a serious `time problem' because of their jobs. The home must be run; children given a comfortable life. Therefore jobs and the money parents earn, become crucial. If this is not clearly explained to the children, parents are misunderstood.
c) Children tend to compare themselves with their peers who have more time with their parents. Here again, parents have to study the two situations and clarify doubts to the children, in their idiom. Otherwise misconceptions continue.
d) When parents find it difficult to convince all the children, they should focus on the `one who calls the shots', and convince him/her. Once that is done, that child will convince the rest. Even if there are only two children, one takes on the mantle; the other follows.
e) When the gap between the spouses widens, mummy paints daddy as the villain. She is ready to make sacrifices for them, she says, but daddy does not care enough to find time for them. The children grow up unhappy with daddy. When they are older they find out that mummy played foul. In the battle of the spouses both lose.

How do parents tackle the recurring complaint from children?
By building TRUST, which comes from keeping PROMISES and being FAIR.
During the week, which is packed with professional engagements, it is difficult to set aside time for the children - to play with them or just chat with them. So, parents should creatively plan `fun' activities for the weekends and holidays. `On Saturday we will go on a picnic'. That promise should be kept, unless there is an emergency. The explanation that follows such a cancellation, better be good, because children do not easily forget broken promises and digits on their Default-Scoreboard go up. When more and more promises are broken, children place no store by the words of parents, and they lose credibility. Parents beware!

Anticipation is keener than enjoyment. When joint-activities are planned, it is the build-up, the anticipation that sparks enthusiasm. Parents should try to carefully utilize this period of waiting for the event, to counsel good behavior, because children are receptive during such times.

Some parents try to give children time in `quantity'; others in `quality'. Whether in quantity or quality, for children it is the `NOW' that matters; what they can enjoy now.

Besides planned activities, surprises add to the excitement that children experience.
When daddy, normally late from office, walks in early and decides to play a short game, or read a bed time story to them, or mummy takes time off from the kitchen to listen to happenings at school, the children treasure such times. The idea is for parents not to miss out on any opportunity. Kahlil Gibran was right. Only when children acknowledge that parents give of `themselves', and not just of their time, will they be satisfied.

A little boy, sitting at his doorstep, waited for his father to return from work. `Dad, how much do you earn for one hour of work?' Annoyed, the dad snaps:` none of your business'. Sad, the little boy goes to his room. After sometime dad goes up to his son's room. `I earn $50 an hour' he says. `Will you give me $25?' Surprised, yet eager to please his son whom he offended, he gives him the money. Then taking another $25 from under his pillow, he gives $50 to his dad with a request: 'Will you
spend an hour with me?'

15) An Examination of Conscience for Parents

"The unreflected life is not worth living" Socrates.

One of the preferred ways of setting off on a change-journey, is to begin with an examination of conscience. We want to change; become better parents by improving on the quality of parenting. What better way to start, than to find out where we stand today? (Please do not rush through this exercise. Read. Reflect. Respond.) A short
prayer before the exercise will do immense good. We need God's help to take us through this arduous journey.

EXAMPLE:
1) Can I honestly claim that my life is an example to my children?
2) In what areas do I see myself wanting?
3) In what areas do my children see me deficient?
4) If I were to make a list of lapses in this all-important area of parenting, what
would take the top three spots?

PARENTAL INSTRUCTIONS:
1) What are my priorities in life? It is these that will find a voice when I speak
with my children.
2) Am I rigid or flexible in the way I instruct my children? Do I adopt the same
style for all, not pausing to think that each is different, and therefore to be
instructed differently, while retaining the essentials?
3) Do I keep changing my instructions, based on circumstances that suit me? Put
differently, do my words reflect my double standards?
4) Do my children know that I live by a code and that I try to persuade them to
adopt a similar code (though not identical), in their lives?
5) Do I try to update my knowledge (for example, on social conduct, relationship
building skills and so on), so that my children benefit from parental inputs
which are constantly improving?

DISCIPLINE:
1) Do I flinch from disciplining my children, either because I believe that it is
harsh, not meant for children, or endorse the opinion that children will grow
out of their faults?
2) Do I blow hot and cold, disciplining more by mood, than the need of the child?
Because of this erratic behavior, are my children confused over what is
expected of them?
3) Am I partial in disciplining, sparing my 'pet' and being heavy-handed with the
others?
4) Do I follow some guidelines (Post 13), in disciplining my children?
5) From time to time, do I review my methods - using the more effective ones and
discarding the others?
In no way is this list exhaustive; it was not meant to be. The questions in the exercise are not penetrating, but general, because they are only intended to initiate the change-process, which is, untangling the knotted wires and reconnecting with our children.

14) LEAD PARENTING

"There are no juvenile delinquents; there are only delinquent parents."
Bishop Fulton Sheen

In posts 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and 13 we saw the importance of Example, Parental Advice/ Instructions and Discipline in the Parenting Vocation which is Love personified. When the first letters of Love (L), Example(E), Parental Advice/Instruction(A) and Discipline(D) are arranged, we get the acronym LEAD, which is the secret for the formation of children.

When a tasty dish is cooked, it is not just the cook who makes it possible. Without the right recipe and right ingredients, the dish would be insipid. Likewise, in parenting three essentials work together - Example,Parental Advice and Disciple - all done with Love. If one is missing, or below par, the result is not satisfactory.

Consider a parent who is a strict disciplinarian - rule enforcing. That is the good part. What if he misses out on the spirit of parenting, caught up only in rules. He
would do the children grave damage. And that is the bad part. In the same way, an
instruction-spouting parent whose example is poor, will not inspire her children to
follow her good words. Good example is not just powerful in itself, but doubles for
parental instruction. Besides, it lends special meaning to discipline. A child
disciplined by a parent whose example cannot be faulted, knows that his argument
against discipline is porous. When parents fail in the three key areas, they become
delinquent (to borrow a term from the Bishop).

13) Disciplining - Some Guidelines

"Disciplining without freedom is tyranny. Freedom without discipline is chaos."
Cullen Hightower

It is important that children understand the difference between license and freedom.
License is behaving without restraint, causing self and others harm. Freedom is controlled behavior; behaving with responsibility and accountability. There are boundaries that cannot be crossed. Since disciplining, or reining in improper conduct, is a risky business, following a few guidelines makes sense.

1) Disciplining should not proceed from anger, but spring only from love - genuinely
wanting the child to improve; and ensuring that the level of disciplining and the
degree of the offense match.
2) Set norms and warn the children that if those norms are breached, disciplining
would follow. Exercise caution in setting standards. They should not be
"impossible" for children to achieve; their ages, gender and fitness of body and
mind should be considered. Also, no setting of flexible norms for the 'pet' and
rigid ones for the others.
3) Disciplining after the breach should be immediate, either by dad or mum. For a
lapse on Monday to discipline the child on Saturday is unfair. Also, dumping dad
with the unpleasant task, makes him the villain. Mum cannot shrewdly escape
disciplining children.
4) Disciplining should be linked to a specific action of the child. "You behaved
badly in school. Your teacher sent us a note. That calls for some disciplining."
5) Every time a particular rule is broken, the same level of disciplining should
follow; if disciplining is called for, at all. Minor lapses should be treated as
aberrations, unless the child willfully repeats such actions. Grave lapses should
be dealt with sternly.
6) Empty threats don't work. "If you lie again, you will be disciplined." Those words
should be meant. If not the child will ignore such threats and parents will lose
credibility.
7) Playing favorites is out. If the daughter is disciplined, so will the son. If
No.1 is disciplined, so will No.3.
8) Trying to discipline the child from his perspective makes a big difference. A
father who is amused when his little son tears up an old newspaper, should not rap
him when he tears up today's paper. The little fellow gets confusing signals.
9) After disciplining the child, explain to him why it had to be done, and cuddle
him. He should not go to bed with rebellious thoughts.
10)Prefer the term 'disciplining' to 'punishment'.

12) Dare to Discipline

"Discipline is inevitable. If it does not come from within the man, it will be imposed from without." David Grayson

'Discipline' comes from the Latin word 'discipulus', which means 'to learn', akin to
'to teach'.

Discipline follows Example and Parental Instructions (Please refer to posts 8,9,10,11). The child sometimes rejects the person administering discipline, which makes it a risky task. Yet parents cannot absolve themselves of the responsibility. When they neglect or forsake such duties, school authorities will take over; and in later life, society and the Law will rather painfully carry out sentences that inflict punishment. Dr James Dobson, in his popular book, 'Dare to Discipline', draws a profound conclusion: 'Discipline is something you do for a child, and not to a child'. It is the loving purpose(and not the anger)which makes the difference between discipline and punishment. Children who have been lovingly disciplined, rather than arbitrarily punished, rarely look back in anger at the times they received some physical correction from loving parents. They get the message that
'limits' have to be set, since 'tough love' opposes the status quo. And they do not flinch from disciplining their own children, when it is their turn, because 'what child is there whom a parent does not discipline?' Hebrews:12-7.

Disciplining need not only mean physical correction, depriving the child of TV time,
access to toys or holding back some food which the child enjoys. It can be constructive, like: getting the child to read certain passages(based on the age of the child)and summarize them for the family at suppertime; getting the child to write a few lines on why he thinks he was disciplined; running a short errand, which he normally avoids; doing a chore at home, which is usually done by someone else;
finding the meaning of words, not necessarily from the dictionary, but by asking elders for the meanings; working on a brain-teaser like a riddle or a problem;
performing a task for a sibling; memorizing a short poem; cutting 15 minutes of playtime to add to study time and so on. The list is limited only by the creative urges of the parents. Constructive disciplining has its merits, one of which is obedience born of respect not terror.

Some children rebel against disciplining because of their insecurity. Deep down, they are uncertain of parental love. That is why a child must grow up completely
secure in the feeling that he is loved for what he is, and not what he can be.
A wise mother cautions: "Imagine the child to be a kite. Let him fly, but hold on to the string".

11) Negative Parental Instructions

"The greatest battles of life are fought out everyday in the silent chambers of one's soul" Anonymous.

It is the ill wind that blows no one any good. Negative inputs damage children more than parents can imagine. It is not that parents intentionally misguide their children; they would not want harm to befall their children. Yet in their own lives some priorities emerge, which they think will benefit the children in some way, and willy-nilly pass on such inputs. In the last post(10), I listed 10 positive inputs. The flip side of those appear here, as 10 negative inputs.

1) You don't see God. But money power is for all to see.
2) Even family will respect you only if you have wealth.
3) Schooling has a limited role. What matters is being worldly wise. There are
millionaires even among school drop-outs.
4) People see and respect what you have; not what they do not see. Possessions count;
keep adding to what you have.
5) You are right; health is one form of wealth. But don't ever forget that only cash
can settle medical bills.
6) Cultivate habits that serve your purpose. If you have the habit of dressing well,
dress well to impress those who matter.
7) Look at powerful people; crowds stand in awe of them, even if their behavior is
awkward. Remember, Power eclipses Behavior.
8) Play by your rules, to win always. Push ahead; nobody gives way. And nobody sees
what you do in secret.
9) Others matter only if they serve your purpose. Wise up; when you are in trouble,
you are alone.
10)Waste is relative. What you see as good for yourself, others don't see. Why
bother?

Wittingly or unwittingly, a set of ideas, important to parents, is transferred to children, like in a blood transfusion, except that instead of blood, ideas get into the system. Once in the system, such ideas are difficult to siphon out. Perhaps years later, through inputs from grandparents, teachers and others who have a different set of values, children begin to question the ideas they received from parents. That is when Individual Programming begins to take shape. Some children may decide to squeeze out of their veins the bad ideas that flowed in them until then.
Such a cleansing does not happen always; even when it happens negative ideas do not get completely drained out.