45) Courteous Behaviour

"Courtesy is the one passport that will be accepted without question in every land, in every office, in every house, in every heart in the world." George D.Powers

Sachin Tendulkar and Vinod Kambli were schoolmates and cricket teammates, with a huge talent for the game. Sachin broke records and rose to fame. Vinod failed to get past a few games. Why? It is reliably learned that Vinod's rather boorish behavior lost him friends and the respect of the selectors; notwithstanding his talent. We would not want our children to suffer from bad behavior. Would we?

Good or courteous behavior is born of consideration of others - respect for them, their belongings, feelings and time. When children are insensitive to the needs of others, they will be rebuffed in some way, at sometime in their lives; sadly we too will suffer humiliation with them. That should be compelling reason for us to teach them to behave well at home and in public. When there is a lack of discipline and overindulgence at home, children begin to believe that they have the upper hand, and we are put on the defensive. We cannot let that happen. So, in earnest we should take them through the process of fending off bad behavior.

1) ETIQUETTE

It is a much misunderstood term. Most people limit its meaning to social norms and good manners, missing out on the core meaning. Etiquette is anchored in 'consideration for others'. Without that anchor, social norms and good manners are adrift. Together, they cannot be tugged apart.

"My son", said a father to his boy, "treat everybody with politeness; even those who may be rude to you, not because they are gentlemen, but because you are one". The title 'gentleman' we give a person, is a crown we place on his head; a recognition; a great honor. Neither is every man a 'gentleman', nor is every woman a 'lady'. When does a person deserve that honor? Only when all his/her ways are rooted in consideration for others. We meet phonies who embellish their behavior with plastic smiles, affected speech and grand attire; and we are often taken in by them. But when they face testing situations their masks fall off, exposing a hideous visage. We also meet people who are genuine. They do not play-act, but are modest and refined, always mindful of others and are kind and courteous. William Wordsworth certifies such behavior: "The best portion of a good man's life is his little nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love". The gentleman's little acts include praising the worthy, encouraging the defeated, befriending the lonely, cheering the unhappy, goading the quitter, uplifting the despondent, teaching the ignorant and calming the angry.'Little' acts indeed!

2) PERSONAL HYGIENE

Adults who wear clothes that stink(oblivious of others), who care little about oral hygiene, who do not bath daily, who use bathrooms badly and who leave behind a trail of uncouth behavior, were once children who were given hygiene-concessions by parents. When such young people find partners, with bad behavior the reason, they end up quarreling and going their separate ways. Some parents may dismiss indifference to personal hygiene as a minor aberration. Try telling that to someone who has to share the same bed with the offender!

When watching cricket matches on TV, we have the revolting sight of players picking noses, biting nails and spitting repeatedly. Embarrassed parents of those famous sons, squirm when they realize that their boys are watched by millions. How they wish they had checked those loathsome habits, when their sons were little boys! Unless such quirks are stopped, even as they start, exorcising children of those demons, as they grow older, is impossible. A little boy found the right word when his teacher asked the class to complete the sentence: 'Cleanliness is next to ---'.
Decisively he answered: 'impossible'. Yes, 'impossible', if personal hygiene is not made a habit early in childhood.

3) PERSONAL GROOMING

Seldom do we see young people tastefully and neatly dressed, carrying themselves with dignity. Instead we see them in loud T-shirts and tight jeans, sporting a casual style. We let our children compromise on grooming, little realizing that the Corporate World, which is thankfully returning to formal and semi-formal wear, will frown on poorly dressed new entrants. Unkempt hair, unshaven faces, poorly matched clothes and shoes that do not shine, do not reflect good grooming. And our girls should know that showing more skin is not more beauty.

4) ORDERLINESS

Walking into some homes is like walking into minefields. Tread watchfully, is the warning, because toys, footwear, books and assorted items are scattered on the floor.
Unless there is order in our lives, there will be disorder in the lives of our children. They should learn to do things at the right time and put things in the right place. Play with a toy at playtime and put it back, in its place; so with anything else. The good part about orderly behavior is that children will carry it forward to school, work life and family life.

5) TABLE MANNERS

It is rather embarrassing to watch some children eat. They nosily chew food, scatter food on the table, stuff their mouths, gulp drinks and ravenously eat their favorite
dishes. Ask a child to pass a fork, and he will pass it prongs pointing. Drinking water glasses are stained with grease and oil, because their mouths are not wiped with a napkin, before putting the glass to their lips. Certainly, there is a strong case for children to learn table manners to save themselves and us, blushes.

6) CAREFULNESS

Disposing of rubbish haphazardly from windows, balconies and running vehicles, is more than just carelessness. What is worse is dumping garbage at or near the neighbor's gate. Slamming doors and windows is noisy and inconsiderate. Not turning off lights, fans, air-conditioners and other appliances, when leaving the room, is not only waste of electricity, but also lack of concern for the person who pays the power bill. Not completely turning off taps after using water is wasteful and negligent behavior. Children should know that even today(as they get water from a tap)there are millions who trek miles to fetch a pot of water. Snatching things from others, even siblings, is rough and unbecoming behavior. If unchecked, the snatching act could end up in wild actions and costly consequences.

"We are what we repeatedly do", warned Aristotle. When our children learn to do the right things repeatedly, they will build strong characters. We owe it to them.

44) Habits (continued)

2) MAKING A HABIT OF EXCELLENCE
"Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well." Philip Chesterfield

We should inculcate in children, very early, the spirit of excellence. From childhood they should realize the benefit and pleasure of doing things well. Charles Gore gives this habit the right orientation, when he writes: "God wants us to do ordinary things extraordinarily well". Such a habit will spring from discontent in doing things in a compromised fashion. E.g.,our children are compromising when they study at school, but settle for average performance; complete homework, but not benefit from it; carry out a chore at home because mummy ordered it, and not because the home has to be neat and tidy. When children grow up compromising, they lose the cutting edge to compete and get ahead. The effort is not worth it, they argue. That is when parents have to step in and show them that doing THEIR BEST is more important than doing THE BEST. How?

First, by raising the bar; pushing up expectations; setting goals that are not easy to achieve, but attainable. Let us stop to consider Goethe's wisdom: "Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be, and he will become as he can and should be". Replace 'man' with 'child' and the picture is clear.
Lord Grant conveys the same thought, in different words: "The greater danger, for most of us, lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short, but in setting our aim too low and achieving our mark". Toppers in any field are inspired to beat their own high standards; always raising the bar. Antonio Stradivari(1644-1737)put his signature to the violin he made, only when he was convinced that the violin was excellent. The tradition continues though Stradivari is long dead. When we have the spirit of excellence, it is easier to instill that spirit in our children.

Second, by expecting excellence from others. Children who pursue the spirit of excellence will expect excellence from others; they thrive in such conditions. To live and work in mediocre conditions is disadvantageous to them. They should attend schools where excellence is more than a motto; it should be a way of life. They should enjoy the company of like-minded children. They must rejoice in belonging to a home where the spirit of excellence is like the air they breathe. The analogy is simple - only in the right soil conditions will a good seed grow and yield a rich harvest.

Third, by setting priorities. Too many goals and the effort is spread thin. E.g.,
classes, then tuition classes, then music lessons, then dance practice, then tennis and so on. In such high pressure conditions children are stretched and dissipated. Instead, if they prioritized and stuck to limited objectives, they would have the energy and enthusiasm to perform better. Today's children are a tired and dispirited lot, because they chase too many dreams. If only they prioritized!

Fourth, by showing them how to take the initiative. To follow others when danger lurks, is safe but not courageous. To follow others in everyday life exposes a lack of initiative. Children should revel in doing things without prodding. To risk answering difficult questions, to accept the challenge of a difficult assignment, to volunteer to do a difficult task, to offer to help the needy, as others back off, are signs of initiative in a child who is unafraid. Louise L. Hay has sound advice for such children: "Be willing to take the first step, no matter how small it is".

Fifth, by making them persevere. Joe was a senior salesman, who was assigned a tough customer, who refused to buy the Company's products, despite the efforts of some of the top executives. One day, at a sales meeting, Joe announced that he was given a large order by the tough customer. Jaws dropped. How could it be? What was Joe's secret. Modest in his ways, Joe admitted to meeting the customer 125 times before he was rewarded. Someone in the meeting asked Joe: "Would you have stopped meeting the customer at some stage, if he did not buy from you?" Joe pondered the question and replied: "It depends". "Depends on what?" Laconically, Joe answered: "Who died first". If ever there was a test for perseverance, here was one! A pithy Japanese Proverb conveys the spirit of perseverance: "Fall seven times, stand up eight".
Try, try again, was the lesson the defeated King Bruce of Scotland learned, as he watched a spider weave its web, falling many times, but not giving up.

4) MAKING A HABIT OF TRUTHFULNESS
"One thousand falsehoods are not as good as one truth." Chinese Proverb

A mother who was at her wits end trying to correct her son who lied repeatedly, told him of the Devil, who with fiery eyes, a long tail and horns, tormented children who lied. The son heard his mother and promised not to lie again, because he could not match his mother who was a smarter liar. Lying inflicts punishment on the liar, in the words of George Bernard Shaw: :A liar's punishment is not that he is not believed
but that he cannot believe anyone". Wasn't that true of the son who could not believe even his mother? There is yet another punishment. "A good liar needs a good memory", is an observation the Arabs make. The liar must tax his memory time and again, to recall what lie he told whom, to avoid getting tangled in his web of lies.
When children drift from the truth(white lies are not excluded), we must come down on them with a heavy hand, if necessary. It is like fighting a stubborn infection with strong antibiotics.

4) MAKING A HABIT OF NOT WASTING ANY RESOURCE
"A moment of time is like a piece of gold, but a piece of gold will not buy a moment of time." Chinese Proverb

We are alerted that time is priceless. Time Management Consultant, Antonio Herrara asked the participants in a seminar: "If we had to buy time, would there be any difference in how we would spend it? Would the days of our life be used more wisely?
What if you had to pay in advance one hundred dollars an hour for the time allotted to you? Would you waste time?" The answer was a decisive 'No'. If paying for time is the only way we will understand its value, perhaps God should charge us each time he gives us a new lease of life - every morning. Waste does not stop with time. Talents are wasted. Opportunities are not converted. Possessions are left to rust. Friendships are allowed to wither and not blossom. Management of any resource is serious business, and waste in any form is anathema.

Are we ready to hand-hold our children through tedious exercises meant to cultivate
character-building habits? The price is high, but the treasure it buys is invaluable.

43) Habits

"Your character is essentially the sum of your habits." Rick Warren

Since habits make up character, our children should be groomed from infancy in habits
that will give them a solid character-base. Abigail Van Buren writes of the best way
to gauge character: "The best index to a man's character is how he treats people who can't do him any good, and how he treats people who can't fight back ". In other words, the test is how a person treats less important people; the weak ones. Another way of framing the test is to find out if he has consideration for others. Jesus Christ spoke of three loves: a)love of God, b)love of neighbor, and c)love of self. He asked His followers to love others as they loved themselves. So, love of self is not taboo, but the sanction to make room for others. The Golden Rule(posts 37,38)embodies these noble thoughts. That person has character who keeps the Golden Rule. To do that he must cultivate habits which endear him to others. John Dryden throws light on how the sequence works: "We first make our habits, then our habits make us". When our children cultivate good habits, they reap an abundant harvest of
good character. A school which understood the significance of character, prided in the motto: CHARACTER BEFORE CAREER.

1) MAKING A HABIT OF 'CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS'.

a)"Consideration for others' will spring from the habit of LOOKING FOR GOODNESS in others. When we find goodness in others, we are drawn to them. Being all eyes and ears to spot such goodness is a huge effort with compensations. Rewards follow in the form of cordial relationships; even friendships.

When we have consideration for others, we believe that we are doing others a favor.
Ralph Waldo Emerson disagrees: "It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another, without helping himself". That is a new angle - when we help others we help ourselves. This beautiful discovery adds impetus to our effort to be good to others, because we gain in the process.
Actually, Emerson only echoes what Confucius voiced many centuries ago: "He who wishes to secure the good of others, has already secured his own". A short story
illustrates this point. In 'Living the 7 Habits', Stephen R.Covey tells the story of
a father and his 9 year old daughter who play a game on a half hour drive. Wanting the child to feel good, the father suggests that they both fill in the blanks to statements starting with: "I feel good about you ----"; and "I liked what you did because ----". In his eagerness to please his daughter and to genuinely express his love for her, the father swiftly completes sentences that compliment his child. The child is thrilled that her father appreciates some of her ways and loves her dearly.
In her innocence she also completes sentences on her father. At the end of the drive
the father is beside himself with joy that his little daughter has much affection for him. What started out as a one-way act of goodness, turned out to be a two-way affair. Their relationship rose to a new level after that drive. Surely, Confucius and Emerson have a point.

b) The habit of SPEAKING WELL of others, and not aiming darts at them, elevates the person. Without his knowing it, there is a halo over his head. An old woman who was never known to speak ill of others was tested by a group of young fellows who asked her what she thought of the Devil. Not batting an eyelid, she replied: "To his credit, he is always on the job". To find something nice to say, even of the Devil puts the old lady in a special category.

c) Running down others is a common weakness. We are brazen when we fault a person in the presence of others. What is worse is to SPEAK ILL of him, when he is not present to defend himself. This weakness is against one of the 14 precepts of Buddhism. Equally bad is the habit of using FOUL LANGUAGE, to prefix and suffix comments. Children think it is 'cool' to use foul and vulgar expressions. They should be checked and disciplined, if necessary. They run the risk of endangering their progress, if they do not correct themselves.

d) The habit of GIVING CREDIT where it is due, speaks highly of a fair and appreciative mind. On being congratulated for his brilliant rendering of Beethoven's
Violin Concerto, a world famous Violinist responded: "I have splendid music, a splendid violin and a splendid bow. All I have to do is to bring them together, and get out of the way". He does not draw attention to himself or his skill, but is ready to give credit to great music and a splendid instrument. Positively, a noble trait!

e) The habit of APOLOGIZING for wrong doing calls for enormous courage. When that courage is summoned the impact is enormous. Synn Johnstone tells us why: "An apology is the super glue of life. It can repair just about anything". So many relationships fall apart, never to be glued back, for want of an apology. "I'm sorry", "Please forgive me", are words difficult to wrench from a proud and unyielding heart.
Zacchaeus, the Chief Tax Collector, though short in stature, stands tall after he apologies to Jesus and make amends for defrauding people. His position, wealth and prospect of more wealth do not deter him from asking for forgiveness. The Gospels Show how a small man was capable of big deeds.

f) The habit of KEEPING PROMISES guarantees the respect of others. An extract from Bits and Pieces has a recommendation: "The world is divided into two classes of people. The few who make good on their promises(A), and the many who don't(B). Get in column (A), and stay there. You'll be valuable, wherever you are". A father who did not read this injunction, promised to take his 8 year old son to the Zoo on Sunday afternoon. The boy waited for long hours, but the father chose to go to the Race Course. When he returned, late that evening and made excuses to his little son, the boy kept repeating: "But you promised".

g) Only an organized person has the habit of KEEPING APPOINTMENTS, replying mails and returning calls without delay. He realizes that he would not like to be kept waiting. So he does not keep others waiting; he would not want his mails ignored or calls not returned, so he responds promptly. Moliere tells us how serious such omissions can be: "It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable". Definitely, those who ignore such niceties are accountable.

h) The habit of NOT EXPLOITING OTHERS comes from good breeding. We do not exploit others, mainly because we have consideration for others. Free-riding is an uncharitable twist. When children exploit weaker siblings at home, weaker classmates
at school and parents who show weakness, they are exposing a vulnerable side of their character. They get paid back by bullies. We would want to shield our children from bullies. That places on us an added responsibility.

NOTE: The 8 points covered here proceed from the principal habit of 'consideration for others'. In the next post we shall look at a few more habits.

42) Values - (continued)

4) THE VALUE OF BEING GRATEFUL
"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of others." Cicero

One day on the streets of London, Charles H. Spurgeon was robbed. When he arrived home and reported the incident, he said: "We'll thank the Lord, anyway". His wife displeased that he had lost money, countered: "Thank the Lord that someone stole your purse?" "No, my dear", answered her husband, and went on to give her reasons why he was thankful. "First, I am thankful that the robber just took my purse, not my life. Second, I am thankful that most of our money was left at home, and he did not rob much. Third, I am thankful to God, that I was not the robber". To find gratitude in the heart when there is little to be thankful, uncovers the superior attitude of the person. To look at the bright side of the situation when apparently there is darkness and gloom, points to the pinnacle he has climbed. Little wonder that Cicero refers to gratitude as the parent of other virtues.

Saying 'thank you' is good, as long as it is not just words. Polite behavior is expected in society and 'thank you' is in order. But we have to go beyond the words,
to teach our children not to forget the good things they receive from a Loving and Merciful God, kind people and us, their parents. They should not take parents for granted. In old Anglo-Saxon, to be 'thankful' meant to be 'thinkful'. Thinking of one's blessings should stir one to gratitude. E.g.,children could think of the gift
of each new day, for sunshine and light, clean air to breathe, water, the comforts they enjoy, food they relish, entertainment they delight in, friendships that mean a lot to them, good music and good books and so on. Lessons on gratitude should start early, so that thankfulness becomes second nature. An ungrateful heart is despicable.
That is why Shakespeare wrote, rather forcefully: "I hate ingratitude more in man
than lying, vainess, babbling, drunkenness, or any taint of voice, whose strong corruption inhabits out blood". A fitting conclusion to this point would be a short prayer, written by George Herbert, which we and our children could offer to the Compassionate Lord: "O Thou who hast given us so much, mercifully grant us one more thing - a grateful heart".

5) THE VALUE OF BEING PATIENT
"He who can have patience, can have what he will." Benjamin Franklin

No one treated Abraham Lincoln with more contempt than Edwin Staton, who condemned Lincoln's policies and called him 'a low cunning clown', and referring to his looks,
'the original gorilla'. Lincoln said or did nothing. He showed remarkable patience,
though as President of USA, he had the powers to hit back. In typically mature behavior, he made Staton his War Minister, because he believed that his adversary was the best man for the job; and always treated him with courtesy. Years wore on.
On the night Lincoln was assassinated, looking down at the rugged face of his dead
President, Staton said through tears: "There lies the greatest ruler of men, the world has ever seen". Patience had conquered hate. Wisdom won. Saint Augustine's words give us the right insight: "Patience is the companion of wisdom". The wise man is patient; experience confirms that.

Impatience is the sign of a fitful mind - fleeting from idea to idea, thing to thing,
unwilling to wait for fruition, angry with delays and blaming others. An impatient person is a spoke in the wheel of progress; because progress does not come at the pace we demand, but at its own pace. Ovid cautions us to be patient because "everything comes gradually, and at its appointed time". An impatient and angry person is a pathetic sight. A husband who claimed to love his wife dearly, broke two dozen eggs over her head and let the white and yellow of the eggs flow down her head, face and body, as she sat motionless, all because she skipped eggs for breakfast, after being instructed to have them. He demanded that his action be seen as an expression of love. We are inclined to disagree.

Children can act outrageously, in a fit of rage and throw tantrums to push parents into a state of panic. As parents we should know the potential danger in such situations and heal our children of their 'momentary madness'.

6) THE VALUE OF BEING FAIR MINDED
"To do injustice is more disgraceful than to suffer it." Plato

The student of a Management Professor, who was assigned to another Professor for a Project, complained that he was not happy with the way his Project was being directed
and concluded by saying: "Even if you give me 50% marks I will be happy, because I know I deserve only that. If he gives me 90% marks I will not be happy, because I know that he does not care and is not fair".

Trust comes from keeping promises and being fair. This is established through the
Four-Way-Test of a respected Organization: 1)Is it the truth? 2)Is it fair to all?
3)Will it build goodwill and better friendship? 4)Will it be beneficial to all concerned? When the four questions(all concerning fairness)are satisfactorily answered, we know with certitude that fair play will lead to the building of trust.
On the contrary, if selfishness and favoritism are given play, fairness loses out.
That was precisely the reason Plato labeled 'injustice' as a disgraceful act. The selfishness of King Louis XIV was inferred from a brief exchange between two of his subjects. When out hunting the King wore no gloves. One farmer pointed to the hands of the King and said: "His hands will be cold". The other farmer bandied: "His hands will not be cold because they are in our pockets". With the King exploiting his subjects through heavy taxes, they passed judgment on him - he was not a fair king.

Are we parents fair in our parenting? When we show preference for one child over the other/s, we deal a deadly blow to fair play in the family. When a father distributes
among his children, pads , pens, pencils pilfered from his office, he is not setting an example of fair play, but showing his children how to cheat and exploit unsuspecting superiors. In such a home fair play has little chance.

41) Values

"Try not to become a person of success, but a person of value." Albert Einstein

A person of success has much to count (money and possessions)and much to show(fame).
Albert Einstein thinks that there is a better option - become a person of value, when there will be little to count and show, but much of value in a loftier life. Charles Garfield plays with words, but gets the point home, when he writes: "Not everything that counts, can be counted. Not everything that can be counted, counts". Values always count, though they do not display numbers. To children, parents who live value-based lives are a shining example. For such parents, traditional values rooted in truth, trust and love are still keys to successful parenting.

Perceptions play an important role in the formation of values. Consider honesty. One man will not accept a bribe because he believes it is wrong. Another thinks he will be the odd one out if he refuses a bribe, because everybody is accepting bribes. His conscience is silenced with the numbers performing the act; the majority. The tragedy today is that we have lost our sense of wrong doing; our sense of sin; and therefore our values are warped. Because peer pressure will force our children to think differently and make compromises, we have to work harder to keep them on course, instilling in them some of the values listed below.

1) THE VALUE OF STANDING UP FOR OUR BELIEFS

"In a matter of principle, stand like a rock." Thomas Jefferson

A band of fierce men stormed a Chapel, somewhere in Columbia, just as Mass was to begin, and dragged the priest out. Then the Chief of the band questioned: "Is there any other Christian here?" A few stood up. They were also dragged out. In seconds gunfire was heard outside the Chapel. Returning, the Chief asked for the second time,
if there were any more Christians in the Chapel. In fear not one stood up. Angry and visibly disgusted, the Chief berated them: "If you cannot stand up for your beliefs, you have no right to be here". In moments he and his men disappeared. Coming out of the Chapel, the people saw the Priest and the others who were dragged out unharmed and smiling.

If we were in Chapel that day, what would we have done? Are we always zealous in defending our beliefs? Would our children stand up for what they believe? E.g.,would
they return to the owner a lost wallet, with a large sum of money in it? Would they support someone who is falsely accused? Would they expose foul play? Our children will find the courage to stand up, when they learn from us to stand up. When Conviction leads the way, Courage is close behind. We only hope that they will not choose to be neutral; because, being neutral where there is injustice, is choosing the wrong side. It is important that others know what we and our children stand up for; it is equally important that they know what we do not stand up for.

2) THE VALUE OF BEING HONEST

"No legacy is so rich as honesty." William Shakespeare

Roger Young was a janitor in Charleston, West Virginia, USA. One day he found an envelope on the shelf in a phone booth. At once he returned it to the owner, not knowing that it held $1000. When he learned of the money in the envelope, he said:
"I don't care if was one dollar or one million dollars. I wouldn't keep it". The children of Roger Young had every reason to celebrate their father, who belonged to a tribe of honest men which Alexander Pope likened to the 'noblest work of God'.

People mistakenly associate honesty only with being clean in matters of money. There is dishonesty in effort, when we do not labor enough for the wages we get. There is dishonesty in squandering company time on personal tasks. There is dishonesty in the denial and defense of wrong doing; in lying. When our children do not use their talents to live up to their potential, they are dishonest with themselves and God, the giver of those gifts. Dishonesty tries to get a toe-hold in their lives, when our children begin to lie over trifles. Alarm bells should ring. The idea of restitution seems old fashioned. Who does it now? But if our children are to understand the implications of honesty, they should know what restitution means. If we are responsible for loss to someone through willful wrong doing, honesty demands that we make good the loss. Such truths should be dinned into our children until they acknowledge that honesty is not just the best policy, but the only policy.

3) THE VALUE OF HUMILITY

"Humility is not denying the power you have. It is realizing that the power comes through you, not from you." Fred Smith

The Devil disguised himself as an angel and appeared to a holy man, saying that God had commissioned him to deliver a message to His holy servant, who seemed surprised and replied that the angel(devil)had the wrong address, because he had not done anything to deserve a visit by God's messenger. On getting this response the devil disappeared because he could not challenge a truly humble and holy man who recognized his limitations and God's limitless generosity.

F.B.Meyer fittingly describes the receiving of such gifts from God: "I used to think that God's gifts were on shelves, one above the other; and that the taller we grew in character, the easier it would be to reach them. I now find that God's gifts are on shelves one beneath the other; and that we have to go down, always down, to get His best gifts". The same lesson comes to us from the encounter of two farmers. A haughty farmer asked an old farmer: "Why don't you hold your head high, the way I do? I bow before neither God nor man". The old man replied: "Look at that field of grain. Only the empty heads stand up. Those that are full bend low". The lesson is that the humble person does not take offense or fight back. He is willing to take a lower place, keep quiet over his merits, bear insults and false accusations, for a higher purpose, in the footsteps of Jesus Christ. He knows that men around him cannot put him down, without his consent. Only his misdeeds can put him down.

When our children understand the values of honesty and humility, they will know that the qualities are knit closely. One cannot be separated from the other.

40) Attitudes (continued)

3) THE POSITIVE ATTITUDE OF FINDING OPPORTUNITIES IN PROBLEMS

"We are faced with great opportunities, brilliantly disguised as impossible situations." Chuck Swindoll

Eileen Egan, who worked with the Missionaries of Charity for 30 years, writes of her experiences with the Sisters, in her book 'Such a Vision of the Street'. In it she recounts one of the important lessons she learned from Mother Teresa. When Eileen referred to any 'problem', Mother Teresa preferred the term 'gift'. After that, small problems became small gifts and big problems, big gifts. Once, when there was a long delay for a connecting flight at an airport, Eileen informed Mother of the 'gift'. Promptly the Living Saint composed herself and began to read her favorite book on meditations. No complaints; just an opportunity to do something useful. Peter Drucker, the management guru, made a sensible comment, when he wrote: "Results are obtained by exploiting opportunities, not by solving problems. All we can hope to get by solving problems is to restore normalcy". His wisdom is born of experience with Top Corporations.

When our children learn from us to convert a problem into an opportunity, they will see in the changed situation, a challenge to be conquered. In school, among playmates
or siblings, and just going through their daily routine, with the changed mindset, they become enthusiastic, resilient and full of hope; not complaining, sullen, spiteful and difficult. Wouldn't we want that?

4) THE POSITIVE ATTITUDE OF FACING ADVERSITY WITH DISCERNMENT

Courageously facing adversity is a sequel to finding opportunities in problems(pt 3).

An eagle senses a storm before it arrives. It will fly to a high level and wait for the winds to come. When the storm hits, the eagle sets its wings to let the wind pick
it up and lift it above the turbulence. While the storm rages below, the eagle is soaring above it. The eagle does not escape the storm; it simply uses the storm to lift it higher; to safety. Without intending to do so, the eagle teaches us a lesson.
When we are buffeted by the winds of adversity, we can rise above the storm and nestle in the safe arms of God. When we trust in His Power to lift us out of adversity, we shall not be blown away. Will it comfort us to know that others too face adversity? "Everyone is either coming out of a storm, in a storm or headed for
a storm", are the matter-of-fact words of Beecher Hicks Jr. And we can find hope in knowing that nothing lasts forever; not even our troubles.

Thomas Alva Edison's warehouse was burning. After the fire, he gathered his workers
and said to them: "We are going to rebuild. You can always build opportunity out of tragedy". Edison stood up well to the test Plutarch set: "The measure of a man is the way he bears up under misfortune". Are we teaching our children to turn stumbling
blocks into stepping stones?

For those of us who never stop complaining about the misfortunes that visit us, we must pay heed to the findings of a survey: 80% of those we complain to don't care, and 20% are glad that we have problems.

5) THE POSITIVE ATTITUDE OF BEING ACCOUNTABLE FOR OUR ACTIONS

"What is the greatest thought that has ever passed through your head?" someone asked
Daniel Webster. He answered: "My accountability to God".

At different times in life we are accountable to different people in authority over us - parents, teachers, bosses family and so on. But at all times we are accountable to God. It is our accountability to God that gives us a purpose and direction in life. Very early in their lives, children need to use a compass to set a direction for themselves; and find joy in doing things with responsibility. Jack Moffitt, in plain words explains why: "The thing that keeps you on the ground is responsibility, placed on your shoulders"; because without responsibility we are likely to take off,
to nowhere in particular. Being accountable does not take away our freedom; instead it gives meaning to freedom. Through responsible behavior we exercise self-control,
which in turn saves us from excesses. It restrains us from drifting. Responsible behavior makes us honest in acknowledging our actions; even the wrong ones. In the early years of childhood a sense of accountability should be instilled in their receptive minds; otherwise they are likely to form the habit of blaming others. Let us imagine a situation when responsibility is taken lightly. Teachers would not be accountable; so would students; so would people who escape responsibility for their actions. Then fair play, courtesy and kindness would disappear from the scene, and chaos would reign. Fear of such a situation should put us on red-alert.

6) THE POSITIVE ATTITUDE OF WORKING HARD

"Striving for success without hard work is like trying to harvest when you haven't planted." David Bly

The one time President of USA, Theodore Roosevelt, made it clear to Americans that when it came to work, there was only one type - hard work. He said: "When you work,work hard". Caught up with the charmed lives of Celebrities and the easy lives of VIPs, our children believe that they too could live in ease and plenty, without hard work and a struggle. So they begin early. At school they get others to do their home work, decide to cheat during tests(because they will not study for the tests) and look for others to carry their load. Unwittingly, parents become willing load bearers - carrying school bags, doing assignments and sparing children from chores at home. Henry Ford had a practical attitude to work, which we could transfer to our children: "Work is the only pleasure. It is only work that keeps me alive and makes life worth living". Will our children find pleasure in work? Will they find purpose and profit in responsibly doing work? That would depend on us.

Many years ago, I worked for a Multinational Corporation who appointed the first Indian Managing Director. He had an uninspiring background - an undergraduate who stammered and worked as a Stenographer. (In the old days a Stenographer took notes
from the boss in shorthand and typed out the text on his/her typewriter.) Despite his background, he had a dream and was ready to work for it. He worked hard to acquire knowledge in different areas of Management, passed different examinations, cleared difficult interviews and moved up jobs in the same company, through acclaimed performance, until the American Bosses found him to be the right candidate for the position of Managing Director. In the same company he rose from being Stenographer to MD. I know this is true, because I know the man. The Chinese were right: "The more plowing and weeding, the better the harvest".

39) Attitudes

"The remarkable thing is that we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. I am convinced that life is 10% of what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. We are in charge of our attitudes." Chuck Swindoll

If we are in charge of our attitudes, and our children in charge of theirs, we need to know how they are formed. Scholars in Behavioral Studies propose that a child's mind is blank when she is born. That is why a new born is always good; no bad traits have been developed. In time, the Environment(Social Factors)start writing scripts for the child. Parents, Grandparents, Teachers, Siblings, and others with whom the child is in contact, keep writing scripts for her, through their words and actions. Rituals and Practices also get scripted. On the one hand, concern and affection for others, humility, honesty, courage, patience, neatness and love of God get registered. On the other hand, disregard or scant respect for others, pride, dishonesty, anger, fear, pettiness, disorderliness and materialism find a place in the child's mind. Someone wisely said: "Heredity does not equip a child with proper attitudes; children learn what they are taught". Since the teaching comes from Social Factors in the child's life, it is called Social Programming(SP). As the child grows, her experiences lead her to accept or reject parts of the SP. Such reasoning results in Individual Programming(IP). Honesty is good, she reasons, but it can get you into trouble sometimes. So the best policy, she figures, is to act based on circumstances. With daddy speak the truth. With mummy a little departure will not be noticed; or, if noticed, easily forgiven. The balancing of her SP and IP
gives her a set of beliefs and attitudes; her set of rules which will govern her behavior. This not static. With new experiences, the balance between SP and IP shifts.

The Oxford Dictionary defines attitude as 'a way of thinking or feeling about someone or something'. In simple terms it is a disposition, a tendency, an inclination. Gordon Allport, the renowned Psychologist, defined attitudes as 'learned
predispositions to respond to persons/things in a consistently favorable or unfavorable way'. What do these definitions mean? That 1)attitudes are learned, 2) they are born of experiences, and 3)they precede and produce behavior. Clement Stone
gets to the core of the subject when he writes: "There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative". Which suggests that we as parents could be responsible for some of the negative attitudes our children develop. That should put us on guard. Positive attitude is so important for job applicants that interviewers apportion 85% weight to it in the evaluation process. The jobs and careers of our children could be at stake, if their negative attitudes tip 15%.

There is hope in the words of William James: "The greatest discovery of my generation
is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind". That is great news. Through the irresponsibility of some, if our children develop some negative attitudes, the good thing is that those can be changed. Think of the act of cleaning dirty clothes. The clothes are unchanged; only the dirt is washed away. Likewise, the souls of our children do not change; only the negative attitudes
can be washed away. How? By a decision to drain out the negatives and replace them with positives. Draining alone will not do; filling must follow. A difficult task; but with our help, children should succeed.

Attitudes affect our lives and the lives of our children in many ways and in big ways. Now, we shall address a few important concerns.
1) THE POSITIVE ATTITUDE OF MANAGING 'THOUGHT PROCESS'.
Written into Buddhist texts, 2500 years before Jesus Christ, is the Law of Attraction, which states that 'what you think is what you get'. The choice rests with us to entertain good or bad thoughts; we have the option to say 'no' to bad thoughts. With this power vested in us and in our children, we can help them censor unkind thoughts and encourage kind thoughts; delete accusing thoughts and enter supporting thoughts, and so on. When our children learn to exercise this choice wisely, they are filling their minds with the right attitudes.
2) THE POSITIVE ATTITUDE OF WANTING TO UNLEARN AND LEARN.
A smart young fellow asked an old farmer how much education he had. The farmer replied: "Six years of schooling and 70 years of learning". The rustic wisdom of the farmer strikes us with the force of the wind blowing through his farms. Learning comes, not just from schools and Institutions of knowledge, but from every experience, inviting us to unlearn at times, before we learn anew. That prompted Mark Twain to caution us: "We should be able to get out of an experience all the wisdom that is in it". To act on what experience teaches us is what matters. Because we have grown in years does not mean that our learning is superior to one who is young in years. From the young, which would include our children, we could learn, if we have the attitude to learn. Our children could profit from the experiences of the old and young, when we teach them to be open to learning and unlearning. The 'I know'
attitude is perilous.

38) The Golden Rule (continued)

"There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world, than for bread."
Mother Teresa

As a Corporate Trainer, I have had many sessions with Senior Managers. During one such session, a Senior Manager posed me a problem: "I have a team of 25 people reporting to me. With 24 I have really no problems; but one is unmanageable. What do I do?" After some thought I answered him: "I do not know your team mate, so I cannot offer a solution. But I have a few questions. Would you be willing to answer them?" "Yes", was the prompt reply. "What are the weaknesses, the minus points of this person?" The Manager stood up with a smile, since he was on home ground, and listed not less than 10 weak points. My next question was:"Does he have at least one strong(one plus)point?" "No", was the abrupt reply, "he has three". The three were listed. "Did you speak to him about his strong points?" I queried. "No", the Manager answered. I continued: "I do not have a solution to your problem. You have it." The Manager sat down slowly, and brightened up as he did. One month later I received a call from him. He put it briefly: "It worked". Praise worked. No wonder Mark Twain was happy to admit: "I can live for two months on one good compliment". Two months, just for a few words! That is some power! If praise is so powerful, why are we miserly in giving it? And when we praise, we do it so grudgingly, as though we were parting with something of immense value to us.

Dale Carnegie exhorted us to " be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise". And Samuel Johnson was emphatic when he wrote: "The applause of a single human being is of consequence". Despite these urgings, we know that people are praised profusely only at condolence and farewell meetings, and not when we live and work with them. When we know that praise works wonders, why are we so niggardly?
Perhaps our cussedness is to blame. We believe, wrongly, that by praising others we are diminished. Or, again wrongly, that praise can pervert a person; make him vain.
These are unsound arguments. Through praise when we make others feel good, our image
is enhanced, not diminished. And, if we are not perverted when we receive praise, why
do we fear that others will become vain with praise? Our defense against giving praise is porous. Compliments may seem like much 'air'; like air that goes into our car tires. On life's highway those praise-filled tires can carry us a long way. A lot of people have traveled much farther than they thought they would, because someone thought they could. It follows, that without exception, we all hunger for praise. The good part is that such hunger can be satisfied without a repast; without spending a dime.

Take a rubber ball and bounce it. It comes to hand. Bounce it again. Again it comes to hand. Praise follows a similar pattern. The more we give of it, the more of it comes back to us, not necessarily from the same people we praise. The habit creates an aura around us, which people notice and respond to heartily. Praise is like motoring down a two way street; as one compliment heads north, another is traveling south.

Are there any guidelines in giving praise? YES.
1) Praise should not be confused with flattery. Flattery is favorable, but untrue comment. Praise is favorable and true comment. We should pause to consider the Greek Proverb: "Many know how to flatter; few understand how to praise".
2) Give praise immediately. When we hear a good word or witness a good action, we should praise the person without delay.
3) Praise should be specific, not general. "That was a good talk", is general. "I liked your talk for its content, structure and anecdotes", is specific.
4) Praise often. The hunger for praise is never fully satisfied.
5) Praise in the presence of others, because the appreciative glances of those around
will add weight to the praise given.
6) Praise must match the level of performance. E.g.,'excellent' for a good performance, or 'very good' for an average performance are mismatched. When we praise, our honesty is also on test.

Counselors point out that a transaction which begins with a sincere compliment, seldom ends in an argument, because praise ignites a flame of goodwill which is not easily extinguished. Without doubt, our children should learn how to praise and realize that it is the second most effective tool(the first being Forgiveness, post 37), in building relationships.

While much can be said in favor of giving and receiving praise, we should not lose sight of a camouflaged negative. In post 32(childhood)we referred to this minor problem. Goldsmith has the right words to describe the problem: "He who seeks applause from without, has all his happiness in another's keeping". The craving for applause is so strong in some that they are likely to force it out of others through
stage-managed situations, contrived performances and faked results. In other words, they live each moment expecting praise and are deeply distressed when they do not receive it. Such people hanker for praise because of a sense of insecurity. They can free themselves from the shackles of insecurity through an act of will: Praise is welcome, but not the only route to happiness. Our children should steer clear of such traps. They must know that a good thought, word and deed are rewards in themselves. Praise is just the bonus, which may or may not be received.

37) The Golden Rule

"In everything do to others, as you would have them do to you." Matt.7:12
"Do naught to others, which if done to thee would cause thee pain." Hindu Philosophy
"What is hurtful to yourself, do not do to your fellowmen." Jewish Talmud
"What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others." Confucius
"Regard your neighbor's gain as your own gain, and regard your neighbor's loss as your own loss." Taoist saying
The purpose of reproducing the five quotations, on the same thought, is to highlight
their universal appeal, not bound by religion or culture.

When we compare human interaction to a coin, on the one side, we have kind thoughts, words and deeds, which merit praise; on the other side, we have unkind thoughts, words and deeds, which crave forgiveness. Put differently, Praise and Forgiveness are the secrets to successful interactions; the essence of the Golden Rule. If only we affirm that we yearn for praise when we perform well and expect encouragement in our struggle, we can relate to the same 'longing' in others. Just as we want forgiveness for our lapses and misdeeds, others too hope to have their wrongs forgiven, though such forgiveness is not always requested. The Golden Rule is the practical expression of God's command that we love one another. When we love one another, we will find ways to demonstrate that love through praise and forgiveness. Seneca gave definite meaning to this situation, when he wrote: "Whenever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness"; there is an opportunity for kindness through praise and forgiveness; there is an opportunity to live the Golden Rule.

If this belief is rooted in us, we will find ways to canalize it to our children, who will need it in every situation of their lives. This responsibility cannot be passed to schools or to Moral Instructors; it rests with us. In instructing our children, we could learn from an ancient Hawaiian family ritual of forgiveness, conducted once a year, or more often, if necessary. The head of the family calls everyone together. All who wish to be part of that family come. The first part of the rite is a prayer that everyone present be honest and open. The ancient Hawaiians
believed that truthfulness and sincerity had to be rocks on which relationships were
built. After the prayer, the head of the family starts on the second part - an honest
admission of all wrongdoings, grievances and resentments. If restitution is in order, it is done immediately, or plans are made to have it done in the near future.
The third part of the rite is forgiveness. Hawaiians view this part as the release
from all tension, resentment and guilt, in the family. Then the head of the family makes it clear that the disputes in the family are over, finished and forgotten, never to be brought up again. The person forgiven no longer bears the burden of guilt; the person forgiving no longer carries the weight of resentment. They know that they need God's help, so the ritual ends with a prayer that love and God's peace reside in the family. What strikes us in this edifying ritual is that the family(not just an individual), has honesty of purpose, courage to admit to wrongdoing, sincerity and nobility in forgiving misdeeds and the resolve to forget what is forgiven. Would to God that Modern Society emulated the Hawaiians! Peace would reign.

Goethe's logic adds substance to what we have seen. "I see no fault that I might not have committed myself." We are vulnerable; so are others. When such kind thoughts occupy our minds, we will be less harsh in condemning others who err.

Retribution, the opposite of forgiveness, does not make sense, for good reason:
1) From experience we know that retaliation is possible only with those who are weaker than we are. With those who are powerful(e.g.,the boss)we are afraid to take revenge because of adverse consequences. So, spitting venom on the weak exposes our weakness and cowardice. Certainly, we do not want our children to be labelled 'cowards'.
2) Medical findings prove that stoking grudges in our hearts, burns up our health, ruins our performance and unsettles our disposition. Therefore it does make sense to drain out grudges and fill our hearts with forgiveness and goodwill. When our children learn to forgive, they will enjoy better health and better relationships.
3) Vengeance is a never ending business. A family feud passes from father to son, to son. When will it stop? The 100 years war in England, which went on mindlessly, just to settle scores, proved nothing. Let us pledge that our children will not receive
a baggage of vengeance from us, as a legacy.
4) Retaliation is another form of 'stooping to conquer'. We descend from the pedestals, we imagine we occupy, to indulge in murderous plots. Certainly not in good taste; not becoming of us who espouse nobler aspirations. Let our bad example not corrupt our children.

The reasons could go on. We shall put an end to them citing the example of the Korean mother, whose only son was killed, stabbed 17 times. She was filled with rage and hate and wished all kinds of harm to befall the killer, until she reluctantly joined a prayer meeting. As she prayed for consolation, she was inspired to stand up and shout forgiveness. Then in a change of heart, she visited the killer in prison to tell him of her plan to adopt him as her son. Imagine the turmoil in the mind of the killer!

We need God's help to forgive. He is never found wanting. Our children need our help
to learn how to forgive. Will we be found wanting?

36) The Art of Giving

"The price of living is giving." Paul Adams

When the earthquake struck China in May 2008, many people performed heroic acts; one less known is reproduced here. Xu Chao(60), homeless and poor, was in Nanjing(1000 miles from the quake zone), when he read of the tragedy, and the relief work set in motion. He responded by donating 5 yuan in the morning. By late afternoon he donated another 100 yuan. He had only coins, which he exchanged for big bills to save the volunteers the trouble of counting coins. This donation came from a man who did not have money to buy food for himself. "When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing." Anon

An equally touching story comes from Singapore, where maids work part time in different homes, when they cannot get full time employment. Joanne is one such maid. She herself is in need, but decides to share her 'half-a-loaf' with an unemployed friend, whom she invites to share the work she gets. By doing that, she divides her earnings in two, keeping half and giving the other half to her needy friend. Winston
Churchill gave words to this spirit when he wrote: "We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give".

As part of Parental Instructions, are we teaching our children such lessons in 'giving'? Or, do we tell them that they may give only from the surpluses they generate? Do 'giving' and 'sacrificing' figure on the list of virtues that children should imbibe, against their natural tendency to be selfish? We could begin by explaining to them what Muhammad(570-632AD) meant, when he said: "A man's true wealth
is the good that he does in this world, to his fellows". Notice that 'money' does not find a place in his statement.

Children fix the label 'mine' to what they see and that which they can lay their hands on; my Pepsi, my gun, my doll and so on. Even siblings are excluded from ownership. It is for us parents to wean our children away from selfish thoughts and habits, by seizing every opportunity to show them that 'sharing' is a better option to 'clinging'. The rich man, who died leaving behind a huge fortune, did not get this lesson. When he reached the gates of heaven, he met Saints Gabriel and Peter.
Gabriel asked the rich man what he had done for others with all the wealth at his disposal. The rich man quickly recounted the good deeds he had done on earth. Once, he gave a penny to a starving man; another time, he gave a penny to a blind boy; and on a third occasion, he gave a penny to a poor old widow. Saint Peter who heard the rich man told Saint Gabriel: "Give him three pennies and send him to hell". The story is allegoric, but the message is profound. Rousseau paraphrases the message brilliantly: "When a man dies, he carries in his clenched hands only that which he has given away".

If children continue with their selfish and clinging ways, they will turn out to be brutes who tread on others to gain control and aggressively have their way. Such traits will not be countenanced later, when they will have to share their lives with another person. Many Counselors lament the selfishness they find in spouses, which leads to irreconcilable differences, and to divorce. In the Corporate World, team spirit and shared responsibilities are not just oft-quoted mantras, but important yardsticks to measure the usefulness of employees. HR professionals fret over self-centered employees who put spokes in the wheel of motion. Do we want our children to wreck their marriages or stunt their career growth?

Many virtues sprout from the seed of 'giving'. With 'giving' planted in their hearts,
our children will readily forgive the lapses of those they live and work with. They will show compassion for those in distress and reach out to them like Xu Chao and Joanne. They will joyfully praise others for their good qualities and performances. They will respect fair play. They will realize that 'giving' is the oil that takes the friction out of life. After much study Antony Robbins wrote: "The only way a relationship will last is, if you see your relationship as a place you go to give, and not as a place that you go to take".

Through a chance meeting with a few young men, I was enriched, when they added meaning to 'giving'. My family and I were to go to a late night movie. They would join me later at the complex, in time for the show. I drove to the complex and was dismayed to find that I had a flat tire just as I entered the parking area. Suddenly there was a power breakdown at the complex, and I was left in the dark with a car I could not drive. Moments later, a few college students drove up in a car and saw me struggle with the tools. They kept their car headlights on and offered to change the flat tire. In minutes they had the job done. Why did they choose to help a stranger?
They gained nothing from me but a 'thank you'. Perhaps those young men came from homes where 'giving' meant more than just giving a little money to the needy.

35) God comes first

"The most beautiful system of sun, planets and comets, could only proceed from the counsel and dominion of an intelligent and powerful Being. This Being governs all things, not as the soul of the world, but as Lord over all; and on account of His dominion, He is wont to be called Lord God." Sir Issac Newton

In a world that is becoming more and more materialistic, the very existence of God is questioned. Unlike Sir Issac Newton, one of the super-greats in the pantheon of scientists, who had no doubts, some of us tend to rely on our expanding capabilities
and on the marvels worked by science and technology, to arrive at a conclusion that perhaps we could get along without God, even if He did exist. Indeed, the beliefs that relate to God are numerous. Bertrand Russell, a Philosopher and professed atheist, had a belief which he expressed with no ambiguity: "Unless you assume a God, the question of life's purpose is meaningless". And the Jewish girl, in a Warsaw Ghetto, who escaped the Germans during the war, wrote: "I believe in God, even when He is silent". To those who ask for logical answers to questions on God and Religion, we have only one answer: God and Religion are not against reason, but some parts of both are beyond the grasp of reason. How can we empty the ocean into our cupped palms? How much more difficult it is for finite capabilities to comprehend Infinite Wisdom and Love? How can a five year old understand Atomic Physics? The fact that he does not understand it, does not make it a lie. As for us and our children, there is no debate. God is the center of our lives.

In posts 9,10,11, we referred to Parental Instructions. We shall now expand on that subject, beginning with the first and most important instruction - God comes first.

Charles H.Spurgeon told this story of his grandfather, who was a poor Minister attached to a small Church. The one cow he owned had died and his ten children were without milk. His wife asked him: "What will we do?" He said: "I cannot tell; but I know what God will do. We must have milk for the children and He will provide". The next morning a man brought Spurgeon's grandfather a gift of 20 pounds, from the
Minister's Relief Fund, even though help had not been requested. A few days before,
the Relief Committee had divided the funds for distribution and an amount of 5 pounds was left over. One of the members suggested: "There is a poor Mr Spurgeon down in Essex. Suppose we send it to him?" "We'd better make it ten", said the Chairman, "and I'll give another five". That made it fifteen. Another member added 5 to make it 20. These men knew nothing of Spurgeon's dead cow, but God knew. The old Minister firmly believed in what someone confidently wrote: "When the Lord leaves you at the edge of the cliff, trust Him; either He will catch you when you fall, or He will teach you to fly".

Honestly, how deeply do we believe in God's love for us, which F.B.Meyer likened to the 'Amazon River flowing down to water a single daisy'. Do we believe that He is LOVE itself; that His mercy is without end; that His power goes well beyond our imagination; that we can anchor our lives in the Sea of His Love? When we know that,
we will teach our children to believe in what we believe. Then they will believe.

Why is it that we profess faith in God, yet do not live God-centered lives? Perhaps our perceptions of God are different from who He really is. Some of us see Him as a Taskmaster and Tyrant and therefore live in terror; some perceive Him as one who has to be appeased with gifts, to win favors; and some see Him as the Genie whom they want to command, to actualize their wishes. Often what we ask Him will do us harm. He sees it; we do not. Therefore He chooses to protect us from the consuming flames of avarice and selfishness. Because He does not grant all our wishes, He falls out of favor, and we replace Him with false gods - Power,Passion,Pleasure,Possessions. When we lift this poisoned chalice to our expectant lips, we must know that slow death awaits us. Paradoxically, even when we forsake Him, He follows us and tries to restore us to safety. The reassuring words of William Cowper tell us why: "Man may dismiss compassion from his heart, but God never will". What a God we have!

The trouble with many of us is that we fashion a God to match human likeness. We tend to project human limitations on Him. Since we harbor grudges and are unforgiving, we imagine He acts in the same way. We misuse the gift of 'free will' to turn against Him; and when things go wrong we accuse Him of neglect. Must a good God suffer at out hands because we lack understanding and charity; because it is easy to pass a verdict on Him? If only we admitted our folly and acknowledged the real loving and merciful God, we would have more meaning in our lives. Our children would see in us examples they would want to emulate.

So, how do we relate to God? Through surrender and contrite prayer. Someone gave surrender a beautiful touch, when he wrote: "When you have nothing left but God, you become aware that He is enough". And Samuel Taylor Coleridge gave us a rich insight into prayer, when he wrote: "He prayeth best, who loveth best". Love whom? God and our fellowmen; two sides of the same coin. So, when we pray and when we teach out children to pray, we cannot forget 'others'. When our children learn to include others in their prayers, they will learn to respect and serve others, starting with those at home.

A student visiting his popular classmate saw a home-made plaque in his room, with the words: 'I am third'. Asked to explain, he said: "That is my motto. It means God comes first; others are second; and I am third". Certainly his parents taught him a lesson that endeared him to God and those around him.

34) Stages in growth - Adolescence

"Puberty is the time when teens look at their feelings and want more time to themselves. It is not possible to search for an identity and still cling on to parents as before. Nine out of ten times, the child will not cling." Dr.Kit Ng, Psychologist

The third stage, adolescence(13-21), which includes the troubled teens, is perhaps the most difficult period for children and parents. At this time, children seem vulnerable, irritable and susceptible to different influences, chief of which is body chemistry. Girls, in the age group 9 to 13, passing through puberty are affected by the hormone Oestrogen. Boys, in the age group 10 to 15, passing through puberty undergo changes brought about by the hormone Testosterone. These hormones trigger changes in the minds and bodies of the children.

Teens are associated with loud, heavy metal music, garish clothes and unruly behavior. They try in different ways to establish an identity for themselves; but parents think that they use the wrong means. The different perceptions of parents and teens result in a rather tense relationship. The fact is that teens want to conform to standards set by both parents and peers, but get pulled by stronger peer-attraction. Adolescence, they say, is that period in life when a youngster apologizes to his friends for having old-fashioned parents. This peer-tendency is confirmed by research findings. A Gallup Survey of 48,000 teenagers found that 87% of them are influenced most by friends and only 51% by the home. Surprisingly, only 13% said that they were influenced by religion. It is not difficult to understand that raising teens is a distressing time for parents, when all that they try fails and they are truly 'foxed'. One mother complains: "I don't know how to get to him". She suspects that there is a huge wall separating her son from her; the kind of wall that the following letter suggests.
"Dear Mum and Dad,
We can never seem to have a decent parent-child talk. I apologize if this seems a little insensitive, but your 'I'm always right' attitude results in out never ending
quarrels. Well, I'm an individual who wants to see more freedom, despite the dangers out there. I am aware that this is one of your worries. But, one way or the other, I'm going to face reality. So, why not now? Even if I do get hurt, I'll pull myself together and carry on. Isn't that what life is about?
Signed: Silenced." (Letter taken from The Straits Times, Singapore, June 29,2005)

Although most parents shun exercising authority, teens need a structure put in place by responsible parents. Research has shown that 80-90% of teens who do not have parental authority in their lives, get into drugs, take to alcohol, get drawn to bad company and are reported to school/police on behavioral problems. It reinforces the point that parents just cannot give up, even if teens answer back or reject them. One mother uses the term 'tough love' for parental behavior at such times. She adds:
"Stay firm but loving, after setting the right example". She continues: "establish clear limits to what is acceptable and what is not". These limits take the form of a to-do list.

1) Watch for symptoms of trouble. Spot them early. Violent mood swings tell their own tale.
2) Take one problem at a time. Be calm. Do not over react.
3) Define the problem in terms they understand and relate to e.g., coming home late at night - how it affects them and not the family.
4) Objectively discuss a solution to the problem, after examining options. Prepare for the discussion, doing home-work on likely objections. Listen carefully to what is said and unsaid; words and feelings. Look for an appropriate compromise, when that is the best way out.
5) Implement the plan with the help of the rest of the family. Let no one in the family use the term 'rebel or rebellious'. It could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
6) Don't get arm twisted or emotionally blackmailed.
7) Be patient. Results will eventually follow. Occasionally, look at the funny side,
when we, in our teens had our set of problems.
8) Never give up.

Chastened by a life-transforming experience, a sage spoke to his small band of followers. One day he had a visitor just at mealtime, whom he invited to share his simple meal. When the sage began to say a prayer before the meal, the visitor swore at God and refused to join in the prayer. The angry sage showed the man the door. That night, in a vision, God spoke with the sage: "This man has been cursing and swearing at me for many years; yet I have lovingly fed and cared for him over the years. Could you not show him some understanding, just for one meal?" What would we answer God if He asked us the same question, but in different words: "Look, only 13%
of young people show some interest in me. Yet I care for all of them day after day;
no exceptions. Can you not show some understanding with the one or two you have?"

33) Schooling

"The heart of education is the education of the heart. We must help our students to become really good human beings, have the right values, and live for something worthwhile. Academic life is important, but by itself, it is really inadequate."
Fr. Sebastian - Principal of a highly respected school.

A teacher gave her class a maths problem involving a leaking tap. One student finished fast, scribbling a number on the answer sheet. The teacher was intrigued. "What is this number?" she demanded. "Our plumber's phone number", was the 'smart' reply. Often intelligent children imagine that they can outsmart others; even teachers and parents. That is good reason we should pay heed to the wise words of Fr.Sebastian, as he continues:"In fact, if we are not careful, we could turn out successful egotists, or deeply corrupt professionals, who did well in our schools".

How do parents respond to Fr.Sebastian's words of caution?
1) By realizing that in schools the focus is more on knowledge and skills, and less on values. Schools are pressured into producing top results in examinations. So, they
coach children into performing well in those areas.
2) Modern schools have displaced the old 'Guru' system, where the child received knowledge, skills and moral instructions from the same Guru; where the student was molded into a better human being.
3) It follows that, the child now receives schooling in schools and education of the heart at home. Therefore parents cannot abdicate their responsibility to schools, just because they pay hefty fees; they cannot relinquish their roles of round-the -clock instructors and character-builders. Sharpening their skills, parents should keep abreast of what happens to their children in school; building on some good ideas, correcting some and refuting a few. With children drawn from different homes in the same class, some negative pictures could be on show.

One teacher puts things aptly:"Too many parents are quick to back off when kids object or complain. They bail them out of tough spots and make excuses or give in, when the going gets tough. Kids are a long term investment, and parents have to stop making short term decisions about them". Recognizing the long term partnership between home and school, parents should be careful in the choice of the school their children will attend; not necessarily a top school, but a good school which makes time for value-instruction and where teachers are a good example to students. Through
this partnership, between home and school, the self-worth of the child is developed;
the very self-worth which will determine the kind of relationships she will build. Will she scorn the less-privileged and resent the mentally-challenged? Will she lay much store by wealth and possessions and compromise on the means to acquire them?
Will she trample the feelings of others, including those of her parents? Will she install false Gods of Pride and Self-importance in her heart? The possibilities are mind-boggling and scary. The onus is back on the parents, to be vigilant always and protect their children from decadent influences, trusting in God's Infinite Mercy.

Some parents think that starting school earlier than the rest, makes children smarter. It is better for such parents to watch the regular and sustained growth of their children, than find short cuts to get ahead. Another false belief is that tuition solves problems for children who have difficulty with some subjects. When parents push children into tuition classes they admit:a) that they are defaulting in their roles of parent-teachers, and b) that they want an easy way out. It is not that tuition has to be ruled out; such classes could help a few children in special cases, for a limited period. Tuition is not a panacea.

Team activities at school organized to foster team spirit, should be brought into play at home when children interact with siblings and playmates. The Chinese proverb explains the lesson in typical outdoor language:"Only when all contribute their firewood, can they build a strong fire". Another lesson from school, on continually raising the bar and conditioning the mind to succeed, should be reinforced at home through the example that parents set. Children should visualize success as Bruce Jenner, the American Athlete did. In the Montreal Olympics(1976) he won the Decathlon Gold. The astonishing part was that he won every event in the decathlon. A phenomenal effort by any standard! How did he achieve it? Over his bed he had pictures of him winning each event. He fed himself those images in the morning, as he got out of bed; in the night as he settled into bed, and several times during the day. Those images were not erased as he participated in each event. His mind would not let him fail.

32) Stages in growth - Childhood

"Give me children until they are seven and anyone can have them afterwards".
Francis Xavier

What Francis Xavier is trying to tell us is that, once the child is seven and molded, she can take on the world. The same thought is expressed in Proverbs 22:6: "Train a boy in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it". Although Francis Xavier specifies seven, let us settle for twelve, which is the time the child moves out of childhood into adolescence. Obviously, the childhood years are crucial. That is why this blog is titled: The Child is Father of the Man. What the child is, the man will become.

Stage two Childhood(3-12), is the time when children look up to parents, both mother and father, for every need. Time spent with them is very important; more important than gifts, because when parents give children time and effort, they are giving part of themselves, not gifts that money can buy. Instructions, at such times, have a huge impact on children because they believe that parents can do little or no wrong, and can be implicitly trusted. In this phase, parents will have to chop and change their inputs to suit the needs of each unique child; yet never overdraw from the deposits made into each love-bank.

There are many suggestions offered by experienced parenting Guides on how to motivate
children in stage two, but one that guarantees results is so simple that it is not given its rightful place. What is this simple suggestion?

A certain African Tribe has a strange Practice. When any member of the Tribe is guilty of a serious lapse, he/she is called out at night and made to stand in the center of a large circle. The people of the village crowd outside the circle and join in a chant, led by the Tribal Chief. Then a ceremony begins. Starting with the
Chief, right down to the youngest in the village(who is articulate), the good deeds of the guilty person are praised. All his/her acts of kindness, courage and wisdom are recalled. That done, they recite a short prayer and return to their homes. Not a single unkind word is uttered. The power of praise is set in motion.

It is the power of praise that parents have to tap. That is why Haim Ginott writes:
"If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others". Don't stop by telling others; tell the children too. They revel in praise and respond admirably. The suggestion to praise children is great, but there is a catch. Will the child perform good acts like helping an old lady across the street, picking up a book someone dropped and holding open a door for an older person to pass, only for praise? Would the child do a good deed if no one noticed? That is the test. Parents should gently, but surely guide the child into believing that the good deed is a reward in itself; praise is only the bonus.
There are times when the child has to be chided for wrong doing. At such times, begin by praising her for the good deeds done earlier(African Tribe style)and then show her how she can improve, guarding her self-respect at all times.

As the child is exposed to others, peer pressure builds. She will want to do her hair, dress and behave like others. Three cartoons, showing a little fellow speaking to his father depict current child behavior.
Frame 1:'So its a deal. I get 20% increase in pocket money'.
Frame 2:'Fine with me if you want to spend quality time with me. But I'll control
quality'.
Frame 3:'You always ask me about my school report. How come you never tell me what
your boss thinks of you?'
What comes through is that the little fellow in the cartoons did not have any respect for his father. It is likely that he learned such behavior from those in his age group. Parents have to guard against such peer influence negating inputs from home. In these and similar circumstances, disciplining becomes a priority. In posts 12 and 13 we referred to disciplining, the tricky part in parenting. Children should know that parents are in charge. If they mistakenly believe that they have taken over, parents have lost their place and will find it difficult to regain it. Parents must say 'No', when that is the right answer and stand by what they say, not to prove a point, but in the child's interest. E.g.,when she wants to scribble on the wall or on her palm, 'No' from her parents should result in obedience and not a discussion or a tantrum. If parents show weakness, children will exploit that weakness. Also, buying children things each time parents are out shopping, will lead to habits difficult to change.

Train children through dialogue. Encourage children to ask questions and be ready to answer them. When the answer is not known, promise to find out and give it to them.
Once children get into the habit of asking questions, they are truly on the way to self-development. From each experience she should be able to ask herself what she gained. By the time she is 7-8, she should be able to connect different experiences and form a pattern of behavior. E.g.,her concept of cleanliness and orderliness should include polishing her shoes and tying her shoe laces, without help from her parents. By the time she is 12, she should do her mother proud by being an accomplished hostess at her birthday party.

31) The girl child

"What society does to its children, so will its children do to society." Cicero

A not-so-young woman, ridden with guilt, was in tears as she recalled an experience, sixteen years ago. When she was pregnant she prayed, like never before, that she should have a son. When she gave birth to a daughter, she was devastated. "It was a funeral to me, and not the birth of a child", she confessed. For three days she refused to touch her baby girl. So strong was her resentment, that she rather have the child dead. The child grew up knowing that she was unwanted and unloved, and was deeply resentful of her mother. The distance between the two increased to the point that the daughter left home, when still very young. With that the mother knew that she had lost her daughter forever. The death that she wanted, when the child was born, occurred without a funeral.

This is not an uncommon story. It is retold in different ways. In some communities the birth of a girl child is seen as 'bad luck' or a 'major misfortune', so much so, a wife who does not give her husband a boy child is set aside, for a new one. Mothers and grandmothers conspire to poison or suffocate to death a new born, innocent and defenseless girl child, without asking themselves the question: "What if my mother had to poison me because I was born a girl?" The paradox is that a woman does it to one of her kind.

For centuries, in different countries, in different communities the girl child has been deprived of love, proper food, the right medical attention and burdened with chores too heavy for her age. Open bias in favor of the boy child has destroyed the self-esteem of his sister. In some communities the young girl is married to an old man, for a price, or sold into prostitution. The girl child has suffered too long, in mind and body, because of her gender. Today she is giving it back to society, although the social evil is not eradicated. Cicero was right. Society treated the girl child badly, and she is in no mood to forgive. She demands freedom of choice and life-style. She dresses as she pleases and behaves defiantly, if only to spite those who tried to control her. Her exaggerated need for freedom drives a wedge between herself and her spouse. Her desperate need to be on equal or better terms than her husband, leaves a trail of crises - one spawning another. Children born in such families suffer. What the mother endured in one form, she inflicts on her children, in another form, through her selfishness. How bitterly society pays for its crimes!

Many families with such lopsided thinking could learn a lesson from a Japanese Practice. The Shimogama Shrine in Kyoto, Japan, holds a ceremony, every March, at which parents release straw baskets, carrying dolls, into the stream, praying for the safety and happiness of their much loved daughters. The doll festival is called Hina Matsuri.

NOTE: Perhaps you have noticed that in the posts so far, I referred to the child as 'he'. No gender bias was intended. It was only usage of 'he' instead of 'he/she'. In the posts that follow you will observe that I refer to the child as 'she', to balance the usage.

30) Stages in growth - Infancy

Whenever God creates a person, He whispers to the infant:"You are my favorite. I have never made such a beautiful person before. I am not going to make another so beautiful again. You are simply unique". Arabian Proverb

Some specialists, in child rearing, maintain that children(boys and girls)pass through three stages. Stage one:Infancy, the first two years; Stage two:Childhood, 3 to 12; Stage three:Adolescence, 13 to 21. Anticipating changes in children, parents have to keep adapting at each stage. Following the same methods and style for the three stages, would bankrupt the bank of love.

In infancy(stage one), the mother sends strong signals of security to the child when:
a) she presses her infant to herself, b) she maintains face to face contact with the child, c) her verbalization to or about the child is positive, and d) she promptly and correctly responds to the needs of the child. The child senses how strongly the mother is attached to him. A survey done some years ago in India, in Maternity Homes, revealed that Nurses accidentally dropped new born babies. Surprisingly, there was not a single case of a mother dropping her infant, even if she was in her teens. The finding only confirmed what we know, that a mother would never drop her child; literally or figuratively.

At birth a chord unites the mother with her baby. From the moment the chord is cut, the child is separate; to be treated as a different person; an unique individual. He must be taught to be self-reliant, not helpless; and not be suffocated by his mother's possessive love. To develop the infant's potential and skills, the mother can resourcefully try the following options: 1) talk to her baby, in the womb, and after birth; make him feel wanted and loved. Such talking helps babies develop their own vocabulary. Most of them, by the time they are three, learn to form short, clear sentences. 2) Let them listen to music to enjoy melody and rhythm. Soon they will identify familiar tunes. 3) Encourage them to explore, rooms in the home, toys and things he can reach, as long as they are not dangerous to handle. 4) Label things as the green car, the red fire-engine and so on. Very early he will learn to identify common colors. 5) Cheer him as he tries new activities. 6) Hug him often.

We cannot adequately stress the importance of cleanliness. Keeping the child clean and the home clean are not negotiable requirements. Despite all precautions, babies will fall ill. They will catch a cold, have a bout of coughing, run a fever, suffer from a stomach upset, cry from colic, be peevish because of sleeplessness and so on.
Some mothers are crazed with anxiety when their babies fall ill. This is unnecessary
and unwise, because anxiety clouds the mind. Instead, find a good doctor who is genuinely interested in children and can empathize with anxious parents; and stick with him/her, unless the services of a specialist are required. Follow the doctor's advice. Avoid administering drugs to the child without doctor's approval. Only when parents know what drugs are specific to medical conditions, know their potency and side effects, should they attempt giving the child even the common over-the-counter
(OTC) Products. Watch the height and weight of the child to ensure that at no stage his growth is stunted. Very early get his sight and hearing checked. Guard against ear, nose and throat infections, to which children are prone. Also, check with the doctor on the need for vitamins. Experienced mothers are likely to come up with suggestions. Give them a patient hearing, but check with the doctor before trying anything different, even if it is time-tested. Please do not give the child a Soother(pacifier). A soother is habit-forming, delays the child's ability to speak, and fills the child's stomach with air, spoiling his appetite. A soother in the child's mouth reflects poorly on the mother's child-management skills. Dr Ong Eng Keow, Child-Specialist in a Singapore Hospital, strongly recommends playing with the child, right from the time he is one month old. Grasping, holding and pressing toys
increase his muscle-strength and improve his motor-skills.

Some mothers are obsessed over the eating habits of their children. They insist that children should eat enough of what they consider staple food - rice, bread, meats etc. Children prefer an assortment. Mothers ought to know that children will not stay hungry. When they are, they will ask for food. So, forcing them to eat what they dislike, is not in the interest of the children. As long as they do not gorge on junk food, aerated drinks and chocolates, it is fine. If they enjoy variety, let them. Ultimately, the nutrition, taste and calories count.

Some parents are flippant in giving their babies names like: Simple, Dimple, Twinkle,
Happy, Lucky and possibly the worst, Adolf Hitler. Somewhere in the USA, a Baker refused to bake a birthday cake for a child with the name, Adolf Hitler. Imagine the child's trauma when he is teased by his peers and given labels by adults who find his name 'funny'. Naming the child is an important decision, for which parents have to take time to check options(available on the net), and short-list a few; then discuss them and choose one which makes the child proud to own it; after all he will be called by that name for the rest of his life.

Actually, everything parents do for the infant, from the time of conception, is a manifestation of their love for the child. That explains the words of Penelope Leach:
"Loving a child is a circular business. The more you give, the more you get, the more
you want to give". The tribal woman, in the story that follows tells us how. In the Andes, South America, two tribes occupy opposite positions - one lives on the plains and the other, in the mountains. Their rivalry is perennial. Once, the tribe from the mountains raided the one in the plains and stole somethings and took away a baby.
The best climbers from the plains decided to scale the mountains to retrieve the baby. On their third failed attempt, they spied the mother of the baby descending with the baby strapped to her back. Flustered, they asked her how she did it. "Not your baby", she replied nonchalantly. Did she have to say more?

29) Home

"The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I passed at home, in the bosom of my family." Thomas Jefferson

'Home, sweet home', the song from the Opera Clari, composed by John Howard Payne(born 1791), became an instant hit. The song conveyed the wistful longing of the composer for the humble thatched cottage that was his childhood home, before he began his wanderings. The touching lyrics and the soulful music bring tears to those who look back to the time they had a home they loved. Although it is 45 years since I left my parental home, memories of that much loved home do not fade. Even today, when I hear the song 'Home,sweet home', I travel back in time to that unforgettable home, where I received much love and acquired some values which are dear to me.

Loving parents work hard to build a home for themselves and their children. In that place the family knits its relationships and constructs its value system. Winston Churchill testified to this fact when he wrote: "There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human society are created, strengthened and maintained".

What makes a home different from a house? LOVE. Love of God and one another. Where God is not present, love will be absent, because He is Love. Wise parents understand this truth and enthrone God as the unseen Head of the home. With Him at the center of family life, new meaning and purpose are found in the daily routine. Children learn of God from their parents, and find space in their hearts for Him. Parents who miss out on this vital input, do not build a strong foundation for the other inputs they give their children. At prayer time, which is built into the family schedule, the family assembles to praise and thank God for His countless mercies, and plead for His continued protection. Children who acquire this prayer-habit, carry it forward to their homes, when they start life on their own.

There are some other distinguishing characteristics of a good home:
1) Family meals: The family comes together at meal time(at least at supper time), to share experiences of the day. Children learn much at the dining table.
2) Family discussions: The family that links up through regular and warm chats, forges a closeness that grim circumstances cannot prize apart. Whether it is planning a family picnic, a change of school or a change in meal-timings, a family discussion, where all participate, binds the family with unseen bonds.
3) Family outings: Visiting relations and friends, outings to fun-spots, going to the movies, concerts and the theater - these bring the family together. Planning for these outings gives the children a thrill. As they get involved, they tap their creative urges, summon their organizing skills and learn to operate as a team.
4) Family celebrations: Birthdays, anniversaries, good grades at school, winning contests and other special occasions are reasons to celebrate. When the family remembers and celebrates these occasions, there is much shared-happiness.
5) Family entertainment: TV programs, music and games, when enjoyed as a family, keep the children from forming addicting relationships with the TV, Music System, Computer and playthings; instead they form memorable relationships with the family.
In Ohio, USA, a 17 year old watched video games for 17 hours at a stretch. When his parents objected, he shot them. His mother died and his father was seriously wounded.Deepak Chopra's words should set us thinking: "When love is replaced by an object, the result is addiction".

A home is where good values, good habits and good manners are taught and practiced.
Where honesty is never compromised, fair-play never disputed and courage never ridiculed. Where praise and gratitude are constantly expressed, apologizing and forgiving a way of life and Saint Paul's words(Ephesian 4:26):"Do not let the sun go
down on your anger", are a benchmark. And where trust in one another is silently and strongly built. With the abundance of the good-life, it is no wonder that 'you are treated best at home'.

How well a little girl of six understood this is seen in her brief exchange with a friend. Her parents and her two siblings could not locate a house to live in, at short notice, and had to stay at a hotel for a few days. "Too bad you do not have a home", her friend sympathized. Promptly, she responded: "Yes we have a home, but no house to put it in".

28) Couples

"Your relationship with your partner is the emotional glue that binds your family together." Vickie Falcone

We wish parents take seriously Vickie Falcone's admonition, and make the house a home where children live the happiest time of their lives, secure in being loved by caring parents, who love each other.

In the last two posts(26,27), we juxtaposed the roles of mothers and fathers. Now, we shall watch how they synchronize. Dr John Gottman, author of 'The seven Principles of making a marriage work', puts things in perspective: "It isn't so much about staying married for the sake of the kids. Couples need to stay happily married, if they can, in order to help their children". Happiness in the married life of their parents is important to children; they must bask in that warmth and be edified.

Men and women are so different in their physical and mental make-up, that getting them to work together, for a common purpose, is not easy. They will have to find the right motivation; consistently be energized by that force to overcome temptation; stay focused and fight fatigue.

Since working together is tough, some young couples are veering around to the view that a union between them is a 50:50 affair; almost like splitting an apple in two.
Your money, my money; your car, my car; you do the dishes, I'll take the garbage out;
you dust and clean the furniture, I'll do the beds. Right down the middle a line is drawn, dividing chores and possessions. With this system, the accounting is easier, when they choose to go their separate ways. Even before they start a relationship, a possible separation is factored in through a prenuptial contract. When such negative thoughts precede the union, separations happen over trifles. Live-ins are not even proxy unions. An arrangement of convenience will be governed by the conveniences of the consenting adults.

A marriage is really a 100:100 covenant; 100% commitment from each. On some days it will be 90:10; on other days 10:90 contribution. The 100% commitment to each other and the family does not change, only the quantum of effort varies, based on circumstances. The guiding principle is a spirit of sharing; not the accounting or the finger-pointing when there is a default.

J.Allan Petersen writes that most people get married believing in a myth that marriage is a beautiful box, full of all things they longed for: intimacy, companionship, sexual fulfillment. The couple soon finds out the truth that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. They must put in something, before they take out anything. If they take out more than they put in, the box will soon be empty. In time, they learn the art of giving, loving, serving, praising and forgiving. In short, they work at keeping the box full. Mignon McLaughlin uses different words to express the same idea: "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person".

There are hundreds of reasons why partners go apart, causing children untold sufferings. Among them, is a common reason: the compulsion to have one's way. It may seem old-fashioned to cite the example of Sita, but to those who understand the context, she is a shining example. In the Ramayana, the Holy Book of the Hindus, Sita is to stay back at the Palace, when her husband Rama is banished from court. Her forceful arguments prevail: "Dearer is her husband's shadow to the loved and loving wife; with her Lord she falls or rises". The Palace relents and lets her join her exiled husband. Women who wish to claim equal place and equal opportunity, may find Sita's plea distasteful. For them, the story that follows, may have a lesson.

One evening Leo Buscaglia's father returned home from work, gathered the family and informed them that his business had failed and that he was bankrupt. It was a silent supper that evening. The next night the family assembled to what was a fantastic dinner; almost a Christmas dinner. Leo's mother had sold some of her jewellery to
prepare for the meal, explaining: "The time for joy is now, when we need it, not next week". Their mother showing courage, optimism and oneness with their father, spoke more than her words conveyed. After that meal the family began to pull together. Leo, though very young, offered to sell magazines. His sister decided to work overtime. The mood changed, thanks to the wisdom and family-spirit of Leo's mother. That is what happens in families where spouses decide to face tough times
together and where children experience strength in unity. Ancient wisdom from the Chinese makes sense: "If the family lives in harmony, all affairs will prosper".