133) Learn Lessons - Family unity

"If your family is harmonious all things will prosper."  Chinese saying.

Milo C. Jones was a small farmer in Wisconsin, USA. He worked hard, but made just enough for his family. Suddenly, he fell ill and was bed-ridden - paralyzed. He decided that his condition would not stop him from earning for his family. So, he declared: "From now on, you will be my hands and feet." He outlined his plan - they would cultivate corn and breed pigs. Corn would be fed to the pigs. They would be slaughtered young to be made into sausages. The sausages would be sold under their brand.
Jones Little Pig Sausages entered the market - it was 1889. Even today the brand is the best selling sausages in the USA.

What lesson do we learn? Let me repeat the Chinese saying: If your family is harmonious all things will prosper. Mrs Jones did not mourn the fate of her husband, and the children contributed their bit. The family pulled together as one. The adversity became an opportunity - and what an opportunity it became!

How do we cope when some form of misfortune besets us? Are we beaten? Do we complain about the weight of the cross? Or, do we decide, like the Jones family, to find the silver lining in the dark cloud? When the family - little ones included - work as one, there is no task that seems big. The next time we face a problem , let us solve it as a family and watch how misfortune flees through the back door.

The Heart Has Its Reasons

Looking Back, Looking Ahead

Just published my fifth book. Wouldn't you like to read it?

Available on Amazon at $ 7.99
E-book available on Kindle at $ 3.49
Publisher: Wolf Creek Press, Oregon, USA.
Paperback: ISBN 9781494788452

The heart, the seat of love, looks back to learn lessons and looks ahead in hope. When the lessons of the past become sentinels for the future, we profit.

In a simple and direct style, critical questions are asked and answered – without preaching – on how we can relate to God, others and ourselves.

This is a book that urges us to stop, pause and reflect – and change. To look upon a new horizon!

When you like what you read please tell others and post a review on Amazon.

Thank you. God bless.

Ignatius Fernandez

PS: Free download of the Kindle version is on February 8 and 9.

 Website: www.ignatiusfernandez.com

ignatiusfernandez@gmail.com 

132) Learn Lessons - God never leaves us alone

"God whispers to us in our joys, speaks to us in our difficulties and shouts to us in our pain."
C. S. Lewis

In August 2010, an old copper mine in Chile caved in, trapping 33 miners, 2300 feet underground. Seventeen days after the accident, a note written in bold red letters appeared, taped to a drill bit, when it was pulled to the surface. It read: "We are well in the shelter; the 33 of us". After 69 days they were rescued, with the help of sophisticated technology. When trapped underground, they sang hymns and prayed. One of them revealed: "There were actually 34 of us, because God never us down there".

What a comforting thought to know that God is with all the time. The pity is that we do not sense His presence. We are busy working out things our ways, caught up in distractions, often trying to move away from Him, that we do not feel the warmth of his nearness. Even when we spurn Him, He does not go away, because He loves us more than any can or will. He just wants a chance to love us. It does not mean that we will rosy days. If trials and tribulations come our way, He is using means to make us strong, to steel us. It cannot be denied that problems test us and bring out the best in us. When we have faith in Him and trust Him, He will guide us out of the crisis. Be assured.

Do our children believe this? Do they trust in the love of God?

131) Learn Lessons - To express love

"When there is no love, put love and there you will find love." Saint John of the Cross.

At a nursing home for the aged, a deeply despondent old woman sat day after day on her creaking rocking chair, rocking herself to boredom. She would not speak to anyone or ask for any form of help. Watching her a wise young nurse decided to do something. She pulled up a chair and just sat beside the old woman. Not a word was exchanged. They just sat for a time. The nurse smiled at the old woman as she left. The routine continued for months. On Christmas Day, as the nurse was leaving, the old woman whispered: "Thank You", and smiled at the nurse. The unspoken act of love of the nurse put a spark into the life of the old woman. After that she began to mix with others in the home.

Do we express love to those at home, who need such affirmation - an old parent who feels unloved; a child who feels alone even in the company of others; a spouse who feels neglected? Do we spot a similar problem in the work place? In the neighborhood? We are busy with our own thoughts and plans, that we do not make time for others - to lift them out of their sadness. If only we tried, we would be surprised at the kind of response we get. Our children, watching us bring light into the dark world of others, will try to do something similar for other children who need help. Inspired by our powerful example they would bring warmth into the cold lives of others. And as they grow, they will make a difference to others, much to their delight and edification of others.

With Christmas - the feast of goodwill - a few days away, can we make a beginning?

Let me wish you and your family a peace-filled and blessed Christmas and an eventful 2014!

130) Learn Lessons - To set a direction

"If you don't know where you are going, you'll probably end up someplace else."  Lawrence J. Peter

Albert Einstein was traveling by train from Princeton when the conductor came checking tickets. The scientist could not find his ticket. The conductor recognizing the traveler assured him that he did not have to worry and moved on. But Einstein kept looking for his ticket. Seeing that, the conductor returned and reassured him that there was no problem, he could continue to travel. But the scientist, in dismay, said that the problem was that he did not know where he was going to; he needed the ticket to find out his travel destination.

The great scientist had a spell of forgetfulness - which could be excused. But how about us? Do we know where we are headed? Do our children know where they are going? Often, in our passion to get ahead, we forget our direction, our destination. As a result much of our effort is dissipated. We chase the wrong shadows. Unless we and our children are sure of the direction we must take, our lives will be a sorry tale. Early in life our little ones should be shown the direction of being good persons - full of love for God and fellows; compassionate, sharing, forgiving and understanding. And not chase money, fame, pleasure and possessions. In themselves these goals pose no problem; but when we and our children get attached to them, they take over and make us slaves. That is the problem.

129) Learn Lessons - Convert adversity into opportunity

"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses."  Ziggy

At 23, Steve Jobs, with his friend, Steve Woznaik, started Apple Computers. As sales grew, he had to hire professionals. He hired John Sculley from Pepsi and made him the CEO. In time Sculley plotted against Jobs and engineered his ouster. Thrown out of the company he founded, he did not want to stay defeated. He launched NEXT and PIXAR Animation. These companies grew quickly, promptly Job to say: "Looking back, being fired from Apple was the best thing that happened to me". Sensing competition from NEXT, Apple bought it and reinstated Jobs as CEO.

Are we not in the same predicament, at times? Adversity stares us in the face and we are perplexed. How shall we overcome? We can draw inspiration from Steve Jobs and look for hidden opportunities. When we do that, we are setting an example to our children to face their own problems with resourcefulness. They will face difficulties in school, among friends and even among siblings. How they learn to cope with problems will be shaped by how we cope with our adversities. When we show courage and resilience, our children will rise to the occasion.

Besides, let us also teach them never to back-stab (like Sculley). Never to betray friendships. Never to play foul.

128) Learn lessons - Being an example

"Your children will become what you are; so, be what you want them to be." David Bly

Someone asked a farmer, "How do you have such beautiful sheep?" "I take care of the lambs," was his immediate reply. How true! Unless he takes care of the lambs, how will they grow into beautiful sheep?

In this little episode, we have a lesson. Unless we take care of our little children they will not grow up to be good adults.

It is not that we do not know what has to be done in earnest parenting. It is just that we are negligent. We take things for granted. We give children concessions, not realizing that those concessions could become crutches they lean on. To indulge them we turn our eyes the other way when the first lie is spoken; we make excuses when they accuse and complain; we put up with less than good performance in school. Put differently, we settle for low standards. We do not raise the bar.

We do not raise the bar, because we ourselves settle for less in our lives. We are not the example we should be. Our advice is not consistent. Our disciplining is imprudent. Unless we adopt LEAD Parenting, we will have to shed hot tears, when the little ones become big. L, for love; E, for example; A, for advice; and D, for discipline. LEAD parenting is the prescription.

127) Learn Lessons - How to cope with adversity

"It is the fire of suffering that brings forth the gold of godliness."  Madame Guyon

Some years ago, my niece in Bangalore lost her nine year old son. For ten months before that, he was in and out of hospital. With a hole in his small heart and failing kidneys, he was in constant pain. Expensive drugs, heavy hospital bills, the stress and tension were taking their toll, yet my niece and her husband soldiered on. During his fifty fourth dialysis, Lionel died. For his parents, the end was a riddle, they could not solve. They could have complained and wailed at the unfairness of their son's death. Instead, they astounded us. My niece spoke of her son with great feeling, but added that life must go on. She had to get back to work and take her mind off her sorrow. And, Lionel's father was heroic when he said, "In suffering we find God".

How do we respond to adversity; to suffering? How do we cope with pain and sorrow? The way we do, will tell our children how they should manage pain when it comes, because no one escapes suffering; no one is happy on all counts. Are we preparing our children to face life taking the rough and smooth in their stride?

126) Learn lessons - on walking tall

"O God, make bad people good, and good people nice." The prayer of a child

Eknath Easwaran, the Indian philosopher and author writes: "In an Indian movie I saw recently, a villager leaves home for the first time to travel to the city of Bombay. When he returns, his family and friends crowd around him, asking what it was like in a big city. His laconic reply sums up our era:
'Such tall buildings and such small people'."

Tall buildings; small people. Does that reflect us, who live in cities?

Why do ordinary, innocent people find us small? We are big in money, positions, property and possessions, but small in other ways. We are selfish to the core, self-seeking, materialistic and self-indulgent. Others find it difficult to find space in our lives. We are self-obsessed. That is why many shun us. The few who crowd around us are not sincere, but have an agenda. We pretend to be happy, but our hearts are empty. The irony hurts, but we carry on as though that was all that mattered. Watching us go through the motions, our children ape what we do, to their detriment. How sad! Yet it could be different.

If only we let compassion into our lives, we would think of others. If we let forgiveness find a toe-hold in our lives, we would not carry around grudges and needless weight. If self-discipline became a way of life, we would derive better results from our efforts. If consideration for others governed our lives, good behavior would be natural and not an act put-on for the occasion. Just think of what our changed lifestyle would do for our children! Then Emerson's words would reflect the fine persons we and our children could become: "The best effect of fine persons is felt after we have left their presence".

125) Learn Lessons - Lose fear of death

"When we learn to die, we learn to live." Steve Jobs

In one of the books written on Mother Teresa, the following passage appears: "Once I had a man taken off the streets. He was near death, but he said: 'I have lived like an animal on the streets, but I am going to die like an angel. I will die smiling. ' He died smiling."

We have a morbid fear of death. It is not welcome at all. We do not even speak of it, because we consider it inauspicious. When it is inevitable, why not learn to face it; lose our fear of it. The more we distance ourselves from it, the more the fear of it grabs us. Isn't it time we came to terms with death? That we taught our children not to be afraid of it? 1) It cannot be escaped. 2) It is a passing from here to the hereafter 3) To those who believe in God, it is our entry into heaven. 4) It is the time to receive our rewards for all the good works we performed on earth - that is a persuasion to perform more good works, by reaching out to others. We live a fuller life, as Steve Job states.

With so much at stake, let us teach ourselves and our children to shed the paralyzing fear of death and view it as a peaceful passage through the gateway to heaven; and accept it with a smile, even as the man in story does.

124) Learn Lessons - How to be kind

"We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness." Charlie Chaplin.

A very rich father held a session every morning, for his only son. He recounted how he made money; how he had to work hard; how he beat those who were against him; how he cut corners when necessary; how his riches grew year after year. The son listened diligently. One morning, before the session started, the son asked his father: "Father, can you take all your riches with you when you die?" The father was stunned. The sessions ended that day.

Like the father in the story, we teach our children how to be clever, smart, worldly-wise and profit from every situation. We are concerned over their financial future and save for them. We want them to prosper and teach them how to save and grow strong financially. Good lessons. Nothing wrong with them, if we do not stop with those lessons. How about teaching them to care? For parents? Siblings? Friends and neighbors? Do they learn to be gentle with others? Is kindness their breast plate? Are values and virtues ingrained into them? It is time we reviewed the lessons we are giving our children. Our obsession with riches should not come back to haunt us.

123) Learn lessons - from the ant

"Go to the ant, you lazybones; consider its ways and be wise." Proverbs 6:6

There are about 150 species of ants. They are faithful to their work and do it without supervision or applause. They do not procrastinate. When an anthill is damaged, they get together and repair it, working as a team. No matter how tough their task, they just do it without arguments; and they do not quit. They seldom sleep and store food for the future. They live for about 45-65 days, but achieve much in that short time.

As parents, we tell our children stories: fables, fairy tales, animal stories and the like. But do we dwell on the moral of the story? Do we explain to our children how they can benefit from the story? Take the case of the ant! What can we learn from that tiny creature? 1) Do not expect applause. 2) Work on your own, without supervision. 3) Do not put off what can be done now. 4) Learn to work as part of a team. 5) Less talk and more work. 6) Do not give up. So many big lessons, from one so small!

If only we got our children to understand these lessons, how instructive it would be! They would work, and work as a team, without supervision; not expecting applause for a job well done. They would do their home work and other duties without delay and not quit even if the task was tough. Would to God, we have the wisdom of parenting!

122) Learn Lessons - Not to Stumble

"The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none."  Thomas Carlyle

One time President of the USA, Gerrard Ford, stumbled and almost fell off. The act of falling was photographed. His pictures in that awkward posture caused considerable embarrassment in Washington. Headlines asked inconvenient questions: Is the President okay? That 'okay' went beyond physical fitness. That 'okay' suggested that he was not okay. A moment of weakness made sensational news.

Often we too stumble - miss a step and almost fall - much to the amusement of our children. We recover our poise and brush off the incident. But our children continue to laugh. That is just one way of stumbling. When we break promises, we stumble. When we make tall claims and do not live up to them, we stumble. When we make resolutions and not pursue them, we stumble. In truth, we are stumbling in more ways than Gerrard Ford, and headlines are framed by our children at home, who miss out on nothing. They watch the fun and peg us down to less than ordinary mortals. We become objects of scorn because we will not acknowledge our faults and try to correct them. When will we stop stumbling, for the edification of our children?

121) Learn Lessons - To overcome difficulties

"I thank God for my handicaps, for through them I have found myself, my work and my God."
Helen Keller

Here is another who has the spirit of Helen Keller: Jessica. She is 26, 155cms tall, but without arms - she was born without them. Yet, she takes part in all activities, using her feet like her arms. With supportive parents, she learned to drive a modified car and moved on to drive one without modifications. She can type, comb her hair and even fix her contact lenses - all with her feet. She realized that she needed to communicate her indomitable spirit to others and became an outstanding speaker to do that.  One day she hopes to fly a plane and raise a family. She lives by a code: the greater the difficulty, the greater the glory.

How we wish we lived by the same code! Instead, dwarfed by problems, we complain and fret, giving in to frustration. The smallest of problems becomes a crisis for us. We expect people to help us, although we will not return the favor. We blame God and others, even for situations we bring upon ourselves. As a result we become morbid and bitter. Without realizing it, we pass on the same attitude to our children who constantly complain against the system. They will fault teachers and class-mates and friends; yet never point a finger at themselves.

Isn't it time we gave some thought to our lapsed outlook and help our children change theirs?

120) Learn Lessons - Not to repeat mistakes

"We are what we repeatedly do."  Aristotle

Sisyphus, in Greek mythology, is condemned to roll a massive stone to the top of a hill, only to watch it roll down, and repeat the exercise endlessly. He was condemned by the Gods because he revealed divine secrets to mortals.

We sympathize with Sisyphus. We rebuke the Gods for being unduly harsh and would do what is possible to reduce the severe punishment the condemned man has to suffer. We are ready to help, but do not know how.

The irony is that we do not help ourselves. We too are condemned; punished - not by the Gods, but by our own mindless ways. Sisyphus repeated an exercise endlessly; we repeat willful acts over and over again. Sinful thoughts, unkind words, foul deeds and vengeful acts are repeated, not because we are punished into performing them, but because we choose to; because we will not have it any other way. We condemn ourselves. And who watches? Our children, who should be edified by our example are scandalized. At first they are confused. Then they learn to imitate us, and in time it becomes their response to the challenges in life - hit back, acid remarks, pride and vain glory, deceit, and an unkind way of life.

Sisyphus could blame the Gods. Who will our children blame?

119) Learn Lessons - Anger management

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." Mahatma Gandhi

Today's paper (December 15, 2012) carried a shocking story. In Mumbai (India), a 37 year-old woman threw acid on a 4 year-old boy - her neighbor's child, for playing in front of her house. Please read that again, and let it sink in. The child was admitted into hospital with the left of his face and upper body burnt. The woman was booked - a small compensation for the hurting parents of the boy.

What is becoming of us? Is rage making us blind? Must we vent our anger on a child? Will it always be an eye for eye? Because we refuse to manage our anger we commit dark deeds and take the light out of other lives. That woman (I shall not refer to her as a lady) heightened her rage to a point that she did not picture what would happen to the child through her foul deed. If he is disfigured, his parents will not let him forget the one who made him so. He too may want an eye for an eye, when he grows up. The cycle goes on.

Mahatma Gandhi cautioned that the trend would make the whole world blind. We don't have to wait for that. It looks like we have already gone blind. And who is watching this blind rage? Our children. They will find sanction in our actions and follow in our footsteps. The story of a pampered teenager stabbing his teacher (in Chennai, India) for a remark she made in his diary, is still fresh in our minds.

How important it is for us to bridle our anger and behave in a mature fashion for our children to be edified!

118) Learn Lessons - Making sense of God

"And be sure, in joys or trials, God is there!"  Cleo King.

A cynic, sitting under a huge nut-bearing tree, holds a monologue with God: Such a huge tree has such small nuts and a slender creeper bears a huge water melon. Is that not disproportionate, he asks God? Just as he concludes his question, a nut from the tree falls on his head. The cynic, in relief, says: "Thank God that was not a water melon".

There is profound wisdom in the ways of God. What seems senseless to us now, turns out to be full of sense in the long run (thankfully the cynic did not have to wait for long to find out). In our finite intelligence we are not able to comprehend Infinite wisdom, just as we cannot empty the ocean with our cupped hands. A five-year-old cannot understand atomic physics, but the fact that he does not understand it, does not make it a lie. Unless we come to terms with our limitations, we will at opposite ends with God. Such thinking that we needlessly adopt does harm to our children. They have to look up to God and find in Him a loving Father who cares for them even when things don't seem to go right. There is a purpose in what happens and the truth will be revealed to us in time. That confidence the child should have - which can be given only by us. When we fail to instil in the child faith in God and an abiding love for him, we fail in one of our basic duties.

Cleo king's assurance should be the staff to lead us and our children on our way.

117) Learn lessons - overcoming fear

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Franklin Roosevelt (1882-1945)

Eknath Easwaran, Philosopher and writer tells a story: "Many years ago, I stayed at the home of a hospitable woman who happened to believe in ghosts. Her home had a beautiful view which took in the cemetery nearby, and though she was fond of me, nothing I could say could convince her that ghosts from that cemetery did not pay her visits. So, one day, I announced casually that I was going for a walk in the cemetery. When I returned, she was wringing her hands. 'Did you see any ghosts?' she asked anxiously. 'Oh yes', I said. "Three. I told them that you were too nice a lady to be living in fear all the time, and that they should go away and leave you alone.' 'And what did they say?' she giggled. 'They said that they could not, as long as she believed in them. So, they have to stay.' She stared at me for a second, then laughed out loud. Those ghosts never bothered her again."

 Like the lady in the story, our children harbor needless fears - of school, the teacher, the bully, ghosts, darkness and so on. They bed wet and have nightmares. Many parents make the mistake of belittling such fears, or labeling the child as a sissy. This does more harm. We have to gently but firmly address the fears of our children. Unless we do that when they are young, they will grow up to be young adults who fear their shadows. It is not easy, but we cannot give up trying. Through bedtime stories that dispel such fears, examples of others who overcame such fears, going with them to dark places to show them there is nothing to fear, showing them how to deal with the bully, visiting the school and jointly confronting their fears, we may take them slowly, but surely out of the complex they suffer from. The words of Roosevelt ring true.

116) Learn Lessons - Sacrificing for children

"I'll always be there for you. I hope you know." Helen M. Exley

In the last post (115), we referred to the courage of children, citing two stories from the many that came to us from the earthquake in China in May 2008. Here are two more, but this time, on the courage and sacrifice of parents.

1) A 3/4 month-old baby was rescued with no injuries. How did it happen? His mother bent over him to shield him from falling debris and continued to nurse him until she died. A cellphone found on the child, carried the message: "Dear child, if you survive please remember that mom loves you forever".
2) Song Xinying (3) was pulled out of the rubble after two days. She survived, but lost a leg. Her parents who formed an arch over her, to save her from falling rubble, died in the act.

Let us pay a silent tribute to those selfless and sacrificing parents.
We may not be called upon to give up our lives for our children, but invited to make big and small sacrifices for them, sometimes surrendering our pet dreams for them. We may be persuaded, by circumstances, to make sacrifices in money, time and effort. At such times, do we act grudgingly? Do we hold back, even a little? Do we complain? Do we tell our children of the sacrifices we made and expect them to make good? The noble deeds of the Chinese parents should inspire to go beyond the ordinary, to attain celestial heights. The motto of Helen M. Exley should become ours.

115) Learn Lessons - Courage guarantees all other qualities.

"Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees all others."  Winston Churchill

There were many stories told of courage demonstrated during and after the earthquake in China in May 2008. Two that struck me were:
1) A high school student found at the site of a collapsed building had both her hands and both her legs broken. The rescue workers wept, but she smiled and said: "Be brave".
2) A 5-year-old was rescued 24 hours after the quake. His left hand was broken, but he smiled and saluted the rescue workers, even as they cried.
As we admire these brave children, we can only hope that a spark of their courage might inflame us!

How do we respond when we are faced with adversity? Do we mourn our loss? Do we lament the fact that we have to suffer when others have escaped? Does it blur our view of life? Are we distraught by misfortune? Do we curse and swear? Do we blame God for what has happened to us? Invariably, a combination of these emotions and responses get the better of us and we become bitter. How different the Chinese children were! Perhaps their parents taught them to face trial and tribulation with fortitude; perhaps they prepared them for hard days; perhaps they showed them how to rise from a fall. Can we too teach our children to find courage when everything seems lost? Can we instil in them a new sense of joy in life which will not give way to lamentation and despondency? They will learn from us, when we can teach through example!