36) The Art of Giving

"The price of living is giving." Paul Adams

When the earthquake struck China in May 2008, many people performed heroic acts; one less known is reproduced here. Xu Chao(60), homeless and poor, was in Nanjing(1000 miles from the quake zone), when he read of the tragedy, and the relief work set in motion. He responded by donating 5 yuan in the morning. By late afternoon he donated another 100 yuan. He had only coins, which he exchanged for big bills to save the volunteers the trouble of counting coins. This donation came from a man who did not have money to buy food for himself. "When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing." Anon

An equally touching story comes from Singapore, where maids work part time in different homes, when they cannot get full time employment. Joanne is one such maid. She herself is in need, but decides to share her 'half-a-loaf' with an unemployed friend, whom she invites to share the work she gets. By doing that, she divides her earnings in two, keeping half and giving the other half to her needy friend. Winston
Churchill gave words to this spirit when he wrote: "We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give".

As part of Parental Instructions, are we teaching our children such lessons in 'giving'? Or, do we tell them that they may give only from the surpluses they generate? Do 'giving' and 'sacrificing' figure on the list of virtues that children should imbibe, against their natural tendency to be selfish? We could begin by explaining to them what Muhammad(570-632AD) meant, when he said: "A man's true wealth
is the good that he does in this world, to his fellows". Notice that 'money' does not find a place in his statement.

Children fix the label 'mine' to what they see and that which they can lay their hands on; my Pepsi, my gun, my doll and so on. Even siblings are excluded from ownership. It is for us parents to wean our children away from selfish thoughts and habits, by seizing every opportunity to show them that 'sharing' is a better option to 'clinging'. The rich man, who died leaving behind a huge fortune, did not get this lesson. When he reached the gates of heaven, he met Saints Gabriel and Peter.
Gabriel asked the rich man what he had done for others with all the wealth at his disposal. The rich man quickly recounted the good deeds he had done on earth. Once, he gave a penny to a starving man; another time, he gave a penny to a blind boy; and on a third occasion, he gave a penny to a poor old widow. Saint Peter who heard the rich man told Saint Gabriel: "Give him three pennies and send him to hell". The story is allegoric, but the message is profound. Rousseau paraphrases the message brilliantly: "When a man dies, he carries in his clenched hands only that which he has given away".

If children continue with their selfish and clinging ways, they will turn out to be brutes who tread on others to gain control and aggressively have their way. Such traits will not be countenanced later, when they will have to share their lives with another person. Many Counselors lament the selfishness they find in spouses, which leads to irreconcilable differences, and to divorce. In the Corporate World, team spirit and shared responsibilities are not just oft-quoted mantras, but important yardsticks to measure the usefulness of employees. HR professionals fret over self-centered employees who put spokes in the wheel of motion. Do we want our children to wreck their marriages or stunt their career growth?

Many virtues sprout from the seed of 'giving'. With 'giving' planted in their hearts,
our children will readily forgive the lapses of those they live and work with. They will show compassion for those in distress and reach out to them like Xu Chao and Joanne. They will joyfully praise others for their good qualities and performances. They will respect fair play. They will realize that 'giving' is the oil that takes the friction out of life. After much study Antony Robbins wrote: "The only way a relationship will last is, if you see your relationship as a place you go to give, and not as a place that you go to take".

Through a chance meeting with a few young men, I was enriched, when they added meaning to 'giving'. My family and I were to go to a late night movie. They would join me later at the complex, in time for the show. I drove to the complex and was dismayed to find that I had a flat tire just as I entered the parking area. Suddenly there was a power breakdown at the complex, and I was left in the dark with a car I could not drive. Moments later, a few college students drove up in a car and saw me struggle with the tools. They kept their car headlights on and offered to change the flat tire. In minutes they had the job done. Why did they choose to help a stranger?
They gained nothing from me but a 'thank you'. Perhaps those young men came from homes where 'giving' meant more than just giving a little money to the needy.

35) God comes first

"The most beautiful system of sun, planets and comets, could only proceed from the counsel and dominion of an intelligent and powerful Being. This Being governs all things, not as the soul of the world, but as Lord over all; and on account of His dominion, He is wont to be called Lord God." Sir Issac Newton

In a world that is becoming more and more materialistic, the very existence of God is questioned. Unlike Sir Issac Newton, one of the super-greats in the pantheon of scientists, who had no doubts, some of us tend to rely on our expanding capabilities
and on the marvels worked by science and technology, to arrive at a conclusion that perhaps we could get along without God, even if He did exist. Indeed, the beliefs that relate to God are numerous. Bertrand Russell, a Philosopher and professed atheist, had a belief which he expressed with no ambiguity: "Unless you assume a God, the question of life's purpose is meaningless". And the Jewish girl, in a Warsaw Ghetto, who escaped the Germans during the war, wrote: "I believe in God, even when He is silent". To those who ask for logical answers to questions on God and Religion, we have only one answer: God and Religion are not against reason, but some parts of both are beyond the grasp of reason. How can we empty the ocean into our cupped palms? How much more difficult it is for finite capabilities to comprehend Infinite Wisdom and Love? How can a five year old understand Atomic Physics? The fact that he does not understand it, does not make it a lie. As for us and our children, there is no debate. God is the center of our lives.

In posts 9,10,11, we referred to Parental Instructions. We shall now expand on that subject, beginning with the first and most important instruction - God comes first.

Charles H.Spurgeon told this story of his grandfather, who was a poor Minister attached to a small Church. The one cow he owned had died and his ten children were without milk. His wife asked him: "What will we do?" He said: "I cannot tell; but I know what God will do. We must have milk for the children and He will provide". The next morning a man brought Spurgeon's grandfather a gift of 20 pounds, from the
Minister's Relief Fund, even though help had not been requested. A few days before,
the Relief Committee had divided the funds for distribution and an amount of 5 pounds was left over. One of the members suggested: "There is a poor Mr Spurgeon down in Essex. Suppose we send it to him?" "We'd better make it ten", said the Chairman, "and I'll give another five". That made it fifteen. Another member added 5 to make it 20. These men knew nothing of Spurgeon's dead cow, but God knew. The old Minister firmly believed in what someone confidently wrote: "When the Lord leaves you at the edge of the cliff, trust Him; either He will catch you when you fall, or He will teach you to fly".

Honestly, how deeply do we believe in God's love for us, which F.B.Meyer likened to the 'Amazon River flowing down to water a single daisy'. Do we believe that He is LOVE itself; that His mercy is without end; that His power goes well beyond our imagination; that we can anchor our lives in the Sea of His Love? When we know that,
we will teach our children to believe in what we believe. Then they will believe.

Why is it that we profess faith in God, yet do not live God-centered lives? Perhaps our perceptions of God are different from who He really is. Some of us see Him as a Taskmaster and Tyrant and therefore live in terror; some perceive Him as one who has to be appeased with gifts, to win favors; and some see Him as the Genie whom they want to command, to actualize their wishes. Often what we ask Him will do us harm. He sees it; we do not. Therefore He chooses to protect us from the consuming flames of avarice and selfishness. Because He does not grant all our wishes, He falls out of favor, and we replace Him with false gods - Power,Passion,Pleasure,Possessions. When we lift this poisoned chalice to our expectant lips, we must know that slow death awaits us. Paradoxically, even when we forsake Him, He follows us and tries to restore us to safety. The reassuring words of William Cowper tell us why: "Man may dismiss compassion from his heart, but God never will". What a God we have!

The trouble with many of us is that we fashion a God to match human likeness. We tend to project human limitations on Him. Since we harbor grudges and are unforgiving, we imagine He acts in the same way. We misuse the gift of 'free will' to turn against Him; and when things go wrong we accuse Him of neglect. Must a good God suffer at out hands because we lack understanding and charity; because it is easy to pass a verdict on Him? If only we admitted our folly and acknowledged the real loving and merciful God, we would have more meaning in our lives. Our children would see in us examples they would want to emulate.

So, how do we relate to God? Through surrender and contrite prayer. Someone gave surrender a beautiful touch, when he wrote: "When you have nothing left but God, you become aware that He is enough". And Samuel Taylor Coleridge gave us a rich insight into prayer, when he wrote: "He prayeth best, who loveth best". Love whom? God and our fellowmen; two sides of the same coin. So, when we pray and when we teach out children to pray, we cannot forget 'others'. When our children learn to include others in their prayers, they will learn to respect and serve others, starting with those at home.

A student visiting his popular classmate saw a home-made plaque in his room, with the words: 'I am third'. Asked to explain, he said: "That is my motto. It means God comes first; others are second; and I am third". Certainly his parents taught him a lesson that endeared him to God and those around him.

34) Stages in growth - Adolescence

"Puberty is the time when teens look at their feelings and want more time to themselves. It is not possible to search for an identity and still cling on to parents as before. Nine out of ten times, the child will not cling." Dr.Kit Ng, Psychologist

The third stage, adolescence(13-21), which includes the troubled teens, is perhaps the most difficult period for children and parents. At this time, children seem vulnerable, irritable and susceptible to different influences, chief of which is body chemistry. Girls, in the age group 9 to 13, passing through puberty are affected by the hormone Oestrogen. Boys, in the age group 10 to 15, passing through puberty undergo changes brought about by the hormone Testosterone. These hormones trigger changes in the minds and bodies of the children.

Teens are associated with loud, heavy metal music, garish clothes and unruly behavior. They try in different ways to establish an identity for themselves; but parents think that they use the wrong means. The different perceptions of parents and teens result in a rather tense relationship. The fact is that teens want to conform to standards set by both parents and peers, but get pulled by stronger peer-attraction. Adolescence, they say, is that period in life when a youngster apologizes to his friends for having old-fashioned parents. This peer-tendency is confirmed by research findings. A Gallup Survey of 48,000 teenagers found that 87% of them are influenced most by friends and only 51% by the home. Surprisingly, only 13% said that they were influenced by religion. It is not difficult to understand that raising teens is a distressing time for parents, when all that they try fails and they are truly 'foxed'. One mother complains: "I don't know how to get to him". She suspects that there is a huge wall separating her son from her; the kind of wall that the following letter suggests.
"Dear Mum and Dad,
We can never seem to have a decent parent-child talk. I apologize if this seems a little insensitive, but your 'I'm always right' attitude results in out never ending
quarrels. Well, I'm an individual who wants to see more freedom, despite the dangers out there. I am aware that this is one of your worries. But, one way or the other, I'm going to face reality. So, why not now? Even if I do get hurt, I'll pull myself together and carry on. Isn't that what life is about?
Signed: Silenced." (Letter taken from The Straits Times, Singapore, June 29,2005)

Although most parents shun exercising authority, teens need a structure put in place by responsible parents. Research has shown that 80-90% of teens who do not have parental authority in their lives, get into drugs, take to alcohol, get drawn to bad company and are reported to school/police on behavioral problems. It reinforces the point that parents just cannot give up, even if teens answer back or reject them. One mother uses the term 'tough love' for parental behavior at such times. She adds:
"Stay firm but loving, after setting the right example". She continues: "establish clear limits to what is acceptable and what is not". These limits take the form of a to-do list.

1) Watch for symptoms of trouble. Spot them early. Violent mood swings tell their own tale.
2) Take one problem at a time. Be calm. Do not over react.
3) Define the problem in terms they understand and relate to e.g., coming home late at night - how it affects them and not the family.
4) Objectively discuss a solution to the problem, after examining options. Prepare for the discussion, doing home-work on likely objections. Listen carefully to what is said and unsaid; words and feelings. Look for an appropriate compromise, when that is the best way out.
5) Implement the plan with the help of the rest of the family. Let no one in the family use the term 'rebel or rebellious'. It could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
6) Don't get arm twisted or emotionally blackmailed.
7) Be patient. Results will eventually follow. Occasionally, look at the funny side,
when we, in our teens had our set of problems.
8) Never give up.

Chastened by a life-transforming experience, a sage spoke to his small band of followers. One day he had a visitor just at mealtime, whom he invited to share his simple meal. When the sage began to say a prayer before the meal, the visitor swore at God and refused to join in the prayer. The angry sage showed the man the door. That night, in a vision, God spoke with the sage: "This man has been cursing and swearing at me for many years; yet I have lovingly fed and cared for him over the years. Could you not show him some understanding, just for one meal?" What would we answer God if He asked us the same question, but in different words: "Look, only 13%
of young people show some interest in me. Yet I care for all of them day after day;
no exceptions. Can you not show some understanding with the one or two you have?"

33) Schooling

"The heart of education is the education of the heart. We must help our students to become really good human beings, have the right values, and live for something worthwhile. Academic life is important, but by itself, it is really inadequate."
Fr. Sebastian - Principal of a highly respected school.

A teacher gave her class a maths problem involving a leaking tap. One student finished fast, scribbling a number on the answer sheet. The teacher was intrigued. "What is this number?" she demanded. "Our plumber's phone number", was the 'smart' reply. Often intelligent children imagine that they can outsmart others; even teachers and parents. That is good reason we should pay heed to the wise words of Fr.Sebastian, as he continues:"In fact, if we are not careful, we could turn out successful egotists, or deeply corrupt professionals, who did well in our schools".

How do parents respond to Fr.Sebastian's words of caution?
1) By realizing that in schools the focus is more on knowledge and skills, and less on values. Schools are pressured into producing top results in examinations. So, they
coach children into performing well in those areas.
2) Modern schools have displaced the old 'Guru' system, where the child received knowledge, skills and moral instructions from the same Guru; where the student was molded into a better human being.
3) It follows that, the child now receives schooling in schools and education of the heart at home. Therefore parents cannot abdicate their responsibility to schools, just because they pay hefty fees; they cannot relinquish their roles of round-the -clock instructors and character-builders. Sharpening their skills, parents should keep abreast of what happens to their children in school; building on some good ideas, correcting some and refuting a few. With children drawn from different homes in the same class, some negative pictures could be on show.

One teacher puts things aptly:"Too many parents are quick to back off when kids object or complain. They bail them out of tough spots and make excuses or give in, when the going gets tough. Kids are a long term investment, and parents have to stop making short term decisions about them". Recognizing the long term partnership between home and school, parents should be careful in the choice of the school their children will attend; not necessarily a top school, but a good school which makes time for value-instruction and where teachers are a good example to students. Through
this partnership, between home and school, the self-worth of the child is developed;
the very self-worth which will determine the kind of relationships she will build. Will she scorn the less-privileged and resent the mentally-challenged? Will she lay much store by wealth and possessions and compromise on the means to acquire them?
Will she trample the feelings of others, including those of her parents? Will she install false Gods of Pride and Self-importance in her heart? The possibilities are mind-boggling and scary. The onus is back on the parents, to be vigilant always and protect their children from decadent influences, trusting in God's Infinite Mercy.

Some parents think that starting school earlier than the rest, makes children smarter. It is better for such parents to watch the regular and sustained growth of their children, than find short cuts to get ahead. Another false belief is that tuition solves problems for children who have difficulty with some subjects. When parents push children into tuition classes they admit:a) that they are defaulting in their roles of parent-teachers, and b) that they want an easy way out. It is not that tuition has to be ruled out; such classes could help a few children in special cases, for a limited period. Tuition is not a panacea.

Team activities at school organized to foster team spirit, should be brought into play at home when children interact with siblings and playmates. The Chinese proverb explains the lesson in typical outdoor language:"Only when all contribute their firewood, can they build a strong fire". Another lesson from school, on continually raising the bar and conditioning the mind to succeed, should be reinforced at home through the example that parents set. Children should visualize success as Bruce Jenner, the American Athlete did. In the Montreal Olympics(1976) he won the Decathlon Gold. The astonishing part was that he won every event in the decathlon. A phenomenal effort by any standard! How did he achieve it? Over his bed he had pictures of him winning each event. He fed himself those images in the morning, as he got out of bed; in the night as he settled into bed, and several times during the day. Those images were not erased as he participated in each event. His mind would not let him fail.

32) Stages in growth - Childhood

"Give me children until they are seven and anyone can have them afterwards".
Francis Xavier

What Francis Xavier is trying to tell us is that, once the child is seven and molded, she can take on the world. The same thought is expressed in Proverbs 22:6: "Train a boy in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it". Although Francis Xavier specifies seven, let us settle for twelve, which is the time the child moves out of childhood into adolescence. Obviously, the childhood years are crucial. That is why this blog is titled: The Child is Father of the Man. What the child is, the man will become.

Stage two Childhood(3-12), is the time when children look up to parents, both mother and father, for every need. Time spent with them is very important; more important than gifts, because when parents give children time and effort, they are giving part of themselves, not gifts that money can buy. Instructions, at such times, have a huge impact on children because they believe that parents can do little or no wrong, and can be implicitly trusted. In this phase, parents will have to chop and change their inputs to suit the needs of each unique child; yet never overdraw from the deposits made into each love-bank.

There are many suggestions offered by experienced parenting Guides on how to motivate
children in stage two, but one that guarantees results is so simple that it is not given its rightful place. What is this simple suggestion?

A certain African Tribe has a strange Practice. When any member of the Tribe is guilty of a serious lapse, he/she is called out at night and made to stand in the center of a large circle. The people of the village crowd outside the circle and join in a chant, led by the Tribal Chief. Then a ceremony begins. Starting with the
Chief, right down to the youngest in the village(who is articulate), the good deeds of the guilty person are praised. All his/her acts of kindness, courage and wisdom are recalled. That done, they recite a short prayer and return to their homes. Not a single unkind word is uttered. The power of praise is set in motion.

It is the power of praise that parents have to tap. That is why Haim Ginott writes:
"If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others". Don't stop by telling others; tell the children too. They revel in praise and respond admirably. The suggestion to praise children is great, but there is a catch. Will the child perform good acts like helping an old lady across the street, picking up a book someone dropped and holding open a door for an older person to pass, only for praise? Would the child do a good deed if no one noticed? That is the test. Parents should gently, but surely guide the child into believing that the good deed is a reward in itself; praise is only the bonus.
There are times when the child has to be chided for wrong doing. At such times, begin by praising her for the good deeds done earlier(African Tribe style)and then show her how she can improve, guarding her self-respect at all times.

As the child is exposed to others, peer pressure builds. She will want to do her hair, dress and behave like others. Three cartoons, showing a little fellow speaking to his father depict current child behavior.
Frame 1:'So its a deal. I get 20% increase in pocket money'.
Frame 2:'Fine with me if you want to spend quality time with me. But I'll control
quality'.
Frame 3:'You always ask me about my school report. How come you never tell me what
your boss thinks of you?'
What comes through is that the little fellow in the cartoons did not have any respect for his father. It is likely that he learned such behavior from those in his age group. Parents have to guard against such peer influence negating inputs from home. In these and similar circumstances, disciplining becomes a priority. In posts 12 and 13 we referred to disciplining, the tricky part in parenting. Children should know that parents are in charge. If they mistakenly believe that they have taken over, parents have lost their place and will find it difficult to regain it. Parents must say 'No', when that is the right answer and stand by what they say, not to prove a point, but in the child's interest. E.g.,when she wants to scribble on the wall or on her palm, 'No' from her parents should result in obedience and not a discussion or a tantrum. If parents show weakness, children will exploit that weakness. Also, buying children things each time parents are out shopping, will lead to habits difficult to change.

Train children through dialogue. Encourage children to ask questions and be ready to answer them. When the answer is not known, promise to find out and give it to them.
Once children get into the habit of asking questions, they are truly on the way to self-development. From each experience she should be able to ask herself what she gained. By the time she is 7-8, she should be able to connect different experiences and form a pattern of behavior. E.g.,her concept of cleanliness and orderliness should include polishing her shoes and tying her shoe laces, without help from her parents. By the time she is 12, she should do her mother proud by being an accomplished hostess at her birthday party.

31) The girl child

"What society does to its children, so will its children do to society." Cicero

A not-so-young woman, ridden with guilt, was in tears as she recalled an experience, sixteen years ago. When she was pregnant she prayed, like never before, that she should have a son. When she gave birth to a daughter, she was devastated. "It was a funeral to me, and not the birth of a child", she confessed. For three days she refused to touch her baby girl. So strong was her resentment, that she rather have the child dead. The child grew up knowing that she was unwanted and unloved, and was deeply resentful of her mother. The distance between the two increased to the point that the daughter left home, when still very young. With that the mother knew that she had lost her daughter forever. The death that she wanted, when the child was born, occurred without a funeral.

This is not an uncommon story. It is retold in different ways. In some communities the birth of a girl child is seen as 'bad luck' or a 'major misfortune', so much so, a wife who does not give her husband a boy child is set aside, for a new one. Mothers and grandmothers conspire to poison or suffocate to death a new born, innocent and defenseless girl child, without asking themselves the question: "What if my mother had to poison me because I was born a girl?" The paradox is that a woman does it to one of her kind.

For centuries, in different countries, in different communities the girl child has been deprived of love, proper food, the right medical attention and burdened with chores too heavy for her age. Open bias in favor of the boy child has destroyed the self-esteem of his sister. In some communities the young girl is married to an old man, for a price, or sold into prostitution. The girl child has suffered too long, in mind and body, because of her gender. Today she is giving it back to society, although the social evil is not eradicated. Cicero was right. Society treated the girl child badly, and she is in no mood to forgive. She demands freedom of choice and life-style. She dresses as she pleases and behaves defiantly, if only to spite those who tried to control her. Her exaggerated need for freedom drives a wedge between herself and her spouse. Her desperate need to be on equal or better terms than her husband, leaves a trail of crises - one spawning another. Children born in such families suffer. What the mother endured in one form, she inflicts on her children, in another form, through her selfishness. How bitterly society pays for its crimes!

Many families with such lopsided thinking could learn a lesson from a Japanese Practice. The Shimogama Shrine in Kyoto, Japan, holds a ceremony, every March, at which parents release straw baskets, carrying dolls, into the stream, praying for the safety and happiness of their much loved daughters. The doll festival is called Hina Matsuri.

NOTE: Perhaps you have noticed that in the posts so far, I referred to the child as 'he'. No gender bias was intended. It was only usage of 'he' instead of 'he/she'. In the posts that follow you will observe that I refer to the child as 'she', to balance the usage.

30) Stages in growth - Infancy

Whenever God creates a person, He whispers to the infant:"You are my favorite. I have never made such a beautiful person before. I am not going to make another so beautiful again. You are simply unique". Arabian Proverb

Some specialists, in child rearing, maintain that children(boys and girls)pass through three stages. Stage one:Infancy, the first two years; Stage two:Childhood, 3 to 12; Stage three:Adolescence, 13 to 21. Anticipating changes in children, parents have to keep adapting at each stage. Following the same methods and style for the three stages, would bankrupt the bank of love.

In infancy(stage one), the mother sends strong signals of security to the child when:
a) she presses her infant to herself, b) she maintains face to face contact with the child, c) her verbalization to or about the child is positive, and d) she promptly and correctly responds to the needs of the child. The child senses how strongly the mother is attached to him. A survey done some years ago in India, in Maternity Homes, revealed that Nurses accidentally dropped new born babies. Surprisingly, there was not a single case of a mother dropping her infant, even if she was in her teens. The finding only confirmed what we know, that a mother would never drop her child; literally or figuratively.

At birth a chord unites the mother with her baby. From the moment the chord is cut, the child is separate; to be treated as a different person; an unique individual. He must be taught to be self-reliant, not helpless; and not be suffocated by his mother's possessive love. To develop the infant's potential and skills, the mother can resourcefully try the following options: 1) talk to her baby, in the womb, and after birth; make him feel wanted and loved. Such talking helps babies develop their own vocabulary. Most of them, by the time they are three, learn to form short, clear sentences. 2) Let them listen to music to enjoy melody and rhythm. Soon they will identify familiar tunes. 3) Encourage them to explore, rooms in the home, toys and things he can reach, as long as they are not dangerous to handle. 4) Label things as the green car, the red fire-engine and so on. Very early he will learn to identify common colors. 5) Cheer him as he tries new activities. 6) Hug him often.

We cannot adequately stress the importance of cleanliness. Keeping the child clean and the home clean are not negotiable requirements. Despite all precautions, babies will fall ill. They will catch a cold, have a bout of coughing, run a fever, suffer from a stomach upset, cry from colic, be peevish because of sleeplessness and so on.
Some mothers are crazed with anxiety when their babies fall ill. This is unnecessary
and unwise, because anxiety clouds the mind. Instead, find a good doctor who is genuinely interested in children and can empathize with anxious parents; and stick with him/her, unless the services of a specialist are required. Follow the doctor's advice. Avoid administering drugs to the child without doctor's approval. Only when parents know what drugs are specific to medical conditions, know their potency and side effects, should they attempt giving the child even the common over-the-counter
(OTC) Products. Watch the height and weight of the child to ensure that at no stage his growth is stunted. Very early get his sight and hearing checked. Guard against ear, nose and throat infections, to which children are prone. Also, check with the doctor on the need for vitamins. Experienced mothers are likely to come up with suggestions. Give them a patient hearing, but check with the doctor before trying anything different, even if it is time-tested. Please do not give the child a Soother(pacifier). A soother is habit-forming, delays the child's ability to speak, and fills the child's stomach with air, spoiling his appetite. A soother in the child's mouth reflects poorly on the mother's child-management skills. Dr Ong Eng Keow, Child-Specialist in a Singapore Hospital, strongly recommends playing with the child, right from the time he is one month old. Grasping, holding and pressing toys
increase his muscle-strength and improve his motor-skills.

Some mothers are obsessed over the eating habits of their children. They insist that children should eat enough of what they consider staple food - rice, bread, meats etc. Children prefer an assortment. Mothers ought to know that children will not stay hungry. When they are, they will ask for food. So, forcing them to eat what they dislike, is not in the interest of the children. As long as they do not gorge on junk food, aerated drinks and chocolates, it is fine. If they enjoy variety, let them. Ultimately, the nutrition, taste and calories count.

Some parents are flippant in giving their babies names like: Simple, Dimple, Twinkle,
Happy, Lucky and possibly the worst, Adolf Hitler. Somewhere in the USA, a Baker refused to bake a birthday cake for a child with the name, Adolf Hitler. Imagine the child's trauma when he is teased by his peers and given labels by adults who find his name 'funny'. Naming the child is an important decision, for which parents have to take time to check options(available on the net), and short-list a few; then discuss them and choose one which makes the child proud to own it; after all he will be called by that name for the rest of his life.

Actually, everything parents do for the infant, from the time of conception, is a manifestation of their love for the child. That explains the words of Penelope Leach:
"Loving a child is a circular business. The more you give, the more you get, the more
you want to give". The tribal woman, in the story that follows tells us how. In the Andes, South America, two tribes occupy opposite positions - one lives on the plains and the other, in the mountains. Their rivalry is perennial. Once, the tribe from the mountains raided the one in the plains and stole somethings and took away a baby.
The best climbers from the plains decided to scale the mountains to retrieve the baby. On their third failed attempt, they spied the mother of the baby descending with the baby strapped to her back. Flustered, they asked her how she did it. "Not your baby", she replied nonchalantly. Did she have to say more?

29) Home

"The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I passed at home, in the bosom of my family." Thomas Jefferson

'Home, sweet home', the song from the Opera Clari, composed by John Howard Payne(born 1791), became an instant hit. The song conveyed the wistful longing of the composer for the humble thatched cottage that was his childhood home, before he began his wanderings. The touching lyrics and the soulful music bring tears to those who look back to the time they had a home they loved. Although it is 45 years since I left my parental home, memories of that much loved home do not fade. Even today, when I hear the song 'Home,sweet home', I travel back in time to that unforgettable home, where I received much love and acquired some values which are dear to me.

Loving parents work hard to build a home for themselves and their children. In that place the family knits its relationships and constructs its value system. Winston Churchill testified to this fact when he wrote: "There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human society are created, strengthened and maintained".

What makes a home different from a house? LOVE. Love of God and one another. Where God is not present, love will be absent, because He is Love. Wise parents understand this truth and enthrone God as the unseen Head of the home. With Him at the center of family life, new meaning and purpose are found in the daily routine. Children learn of God from their parents, and find space in their hearts for Him. Parents who miss out on this vital input, do not build a strong foundation for the other inputs they give their children. At prayer time, which is built into the family schedule, the family assembles to praise and thank God for His countless mercies, and plead for His continued protection. Children who acquire this prayer-habit, carry it forward to their homes, when they start life on their own.

There are some other distinguishing characteristics of a good home:
1) Family meals: The family comes together at meal time(at least at supper time), to share experiences of the day. Children learn much at the dining table.
2) Family discussions: The family that links up through regular and warm chats, forges a closeness that grim circumstances cannot prize apart. Whether it is planning a family picnic, a change of school or a change in meal-timings, a family discussion, where all participate, binds the family with unseen bonds.
3) Family outings: Visiting relations and friends, outings to fun-spots, going to the movies, concerts and the theater - these bring the family together. Planning for these outings gives the children a thrill. As they get involved, they tap their creative urges, summon their organizing skills and learn to operate as a team.
4) Family celebrations: Birthdays, anniversaries, good grades at school, winning contests and other special occasions are reasons to celebrate. When the family remembers and celebrates these occasions, there is much shared-happiness.
5) Family entertainment: TV programs, music and games, when enjoyed as a family, keep the children from forming addicting relationships with the TV, Music System, Computer and playthings; instead they form memorable relationships with the family.
In Ohio, USA, a 17 year old watched video games for 17 hours at a stretch. When his parents objected, he shot them. His mother died and his father was seriously wounded.Deepak Chopra's words should set us thinking: "When love is replaced by an object, the result is addiction".

A home is where good values, good habits and good manners are taught and practiced.
Where honesty is never compromised, fair-play never disputed and courage never ridiculed. Where praise and gratitude are constantly expressed, apologizing and forgiving a way of life and Saint Paul's words(Ephesian 4:26):"Do not let the sun go
down on your anger", are a benchmark. And where trust in one another is silently and strongly built. With the abundance of the good-life, it is no wonder that 'you are treated best at home'.

How well a little girl of six understood this is seen in her brief exchange with a friend. Her parents and her two siblings could not locate a house to live in, at short notice, and had to stay at a hotel for a few days. "Too bad you do not have a home", her friend sympathized. Promptly, she responded: "Yes we have a home, but no house to put it in".

28) Couples

"Your relationship with your partner is the emotional glue that binds your family together." Vickie Falcone

We wish parents take seriously Vickie Falcone's admonition, and make the house a home where children live the happiest time of their lives, secure in being loved by caring parents, who love each other.

In the last two posts(26,27), we juxtaposed the roles of mothers and fathers. Now, we shall watch how they synchronize. Dr John Gottman, author of 'The seven Principles of making a marriage work', puts things in perspective: "It isn't so much about staying married for the sake of the kids. Couples need to stay happily married, if they can, in order to help their children". Happiness in the married life of their parents is important to children; they must bask in that warmth and be edified.

Men and women are so different in their physical and mental make-up, that getting them to work together, for a common purpose, is not easy. They will have to find the right motivation; consistently be energized by that force to overcome temptation; stay focused and fight fatigue.

Since working together is tough, some young couples are veering around to the view that a union between them is a 50:50 affair; almost like splitting an apple in two.
Your money, my money; your car, my car; you do the dishes, I'll take the garbage out;
you dust and clean the furniture, I'll do the beds. Right down the middle a line is drawn, dividing chores and possessions. With this system, the accounting is easier, when they choose to go their separate ways. Even before they start a relationship, a possible separation is factored in through a prenuptial contract. When such negative thoughts precede the union, separations happen over trifles. Live-ins are not even proxy unions. An arrangement of convenience will be governed by the conveniences of the consenting adults.

A marriage is really a 100:100 covenant; 100% commitment from each. On some days it will be 90:10; on other days 10:90 contribution. The 100% commitment to each other and the family does not change, only the quantum of effort varies, based on circumstances. The guiding principle is a spirit of sharing; not the accounting or the finger-pointing when there is a default.

J.Allan Petersen writes that most people get married believing in a myth that marriage is a beautiful box, full of all things they longed for: intimacy, companionship, sexual fulfillment. The couple soon finds out the truth that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. They must put in something, before they take out anything. If they take out more than they put in, the box will soon be empty. In time, they learn the art of giving, loving, serving, praising and forgiving. In short, they work at keeping the box full. Mignon McLaughlin uses different words to express the same idea: "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person".

There are hundreds of reasons why partners go apart, causing children untold sufferings. Among them, is a common reason: the compulsion to have one's way. It may seem old-fashioned to cite the example of Sita, but to those who understand the context, she is a shining example. In the Ramayana, the Holy Book of the Hindus, Sita is to stay back at the Palace, when her husband Rama is banished from court. Her forceful arguments prevail: "Dearer is her husband's shadow to the loved and loving wife; with her Lord she falls or rises". The Palace relents and lets her join her exiled husband. Women who wish to claim equal place and equal opportunity, may find Sita's plea distasteful. For them, the story that follows, may have a lesson.

One evening Leo Buscaglia's father returned home from work, gathered the family and informed them that his business had failed and that he was bankrupt. It was a silent supper that evening. The next night the family assembled to what was a fantastic dinner; almost a Christmas dinner. Leo's mother had sold some of her jewellery to
prepare for the meal, explaining: "The time for joy is now, when we need it, not next week". Their mother showing courage, optimism and oneness with their father, spoke more than her words conveyed. After that meal the family began to pull together. Leo, though very young, offered to sell magazines. His sister decided to work overtime. The mood changed, thanks to the wisdom and family-spirit of Leo's mother. That is what happens in families where spouses decide to face tough times
together and where children experience strength in unity. Ancient wisdom from the Chinese makes sense: "If the family lives in harmony, all affairs will prosper".