Wednesday, April 29, 2009

19) Problem-Situations (continued)

"No man ever really finds out what he believes in until he begins to instruct his children." Francis Xavier

DOUBLE STANDARDS:
A famous Mason and his son specialized in building Castles. One day, while at work on a Castle, they found that there was no mortar left for placing the last stone in the foundation. So the father asked the son to prepare a suitable quantity of mortar. The son told his father that there was stock of mortar meant for the walls, which they could use for the foundation. The father explained that the two were different; the one for the foundation had to be much stronger. The boy reasoned: what difference would it really make to that one stone in the foundation; no one would ever know in a 1000 years of the switch in the mortar. The father replied: Two people would know; you and I.

Some parents are careful to reinforce their words with action. Others are not that conscious. For them double standards do not pose a serious problem.
* "Simon, why is your room in such a mess?" That is dad's vexed question to his son.
Change scene; enter dad's room which is untidy and disorganized.
* "Cindy, put your toys back. They should not be out of place." That is how mummy
admonishes her daughter. Survey some of mummy's actions: her bag is still on the
carpet; her footwear under the dinning table.
* "When you have to do something important, always make a note", is mummy's advice
to her teenage daughter. Mummy was to make the Insurance Payment on the 7th. She
remembered only on the 9th. Did she make a note?
* "Why are you not regular in doing your exercise?" That was dad's enquiry of his
son who turned 18 last week. After many failed attempts to get started on a
walk-schedule, dad restarted on Monday. Today is Thursday and Junior did not see
dad go out for his walk on Tuesday and Wednesday.
Parents are eager to advise their children; which is good. The flip side is that they fail to keep those words, where they are concerned.As in many other situations,
we accuse others of the very sins we are guilty of. Put differently: `one rule for
others; another for us'. No wonder children ignore parental instructions and disregard their advice with impunity. And parents wonder what went wrong. If parents cannot live the life they want their children to live, they forfeit the right to counsel them.

A Japanese Proverb reads: `The parents' dishonour is their child's, and the child's dishonour is his parents' '. The belief of `guilt by association' is firmly lodged in the Japanese psyche. So, when children are guilty of serious misconduct, parents who are celebrities have to apologize in public for the wrong doing of their children. In the same way, children feel humiliated when parents are guilty of major lapses or crime. If the rest of the world learned from the Japanese Proverb, parents would be careful to back their good words with good deeds, and not give children reason to accuse them of double standards or make parental behaviour an excuse for juvenile deviant behaviour. The parent-child bond is cemented with self-sacrifice; which is sacrificing self to live up to high standards.

Monday, April 27, 2009

18) Problem-Situations (continued)

"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist." Mark Twain

COMPARISONS AND LABELS:
If there are young pessimists among us, there is only one direction the finger will point - at their parents. That may seem like a harsh sentence to pass on well-meaning
parents, who have sadly got it wrong. Harsh as it may seem, it is the fact. How do we explain that? Let us do a sample of statements made to children in many homes:
* "Tom, you are not as clever as your brother Pete. So don't try that."
* "Jane, your handwriting is bad. See, how well your sister, Greta, writes."
* "Shirley is strong in Maths. Denzil is rather weak." One mother confides in
another about her two children
* "Your daughter is so cute. I wish mine was half as pretty."
* "You lied again. You are a liar."
* "You dropped the fork. How clumsy!"
Labels like: lazy, clumsy, sloppy, dirty, untidy, dumb, arrogant, spender, miser, are stuck on children.

Parents have no intentions of pulling down their children. All they want is that the child gives up some bad habit; but the method of correction is faulty. Would dad like being unfavourably compared to his more efficient colleagues? How would mum like it if she was compared with her older sister, a mother of four, and labelled as
a 'less caring' mother? When parents dislike being unfavourably compared with others,
why do they inflict such 'punishment' on their children? What they gloss over is that such labels tend to stick; do not come off easily and do damage for life. Like Prophets of Doom, parents write out scripts for children, who stay faithful to such prophecies. Whether it is performance at school, or behaviour at home, 'labels' only drive children away from parents and in turn they give parents the label of being 'unfair'.

Parents need to realize that children look up to parents for good ratings. They treasure the appreciation and praise that parents give them. When they don't get such
encouragement, they turn elsewhere for commendation; even a smile from the school bully is valued. Without fully understanding what they do, parents drain 'hope' out of children, who become the young pessimists we encounter. They have lost hope in themselves; even in their parents and in God.

Setting high standards is good; a must.Pursuing excellence is important. But confusing 'failing' with 'failure' is not wise. Not just the 'result', but the 'effort' and the 'result' have to be appraised. That is what wise parents do. They remind children that 'failing' is part of the learning process. That love for them will not depend on grades they score in school or certificates they get for 'good behaviour'. The most powerful and superior form of love that parents can give a child is to constantly affirm the child's potential and worth, even if current performance is less than expected.

There is one suggestion for parents who are guilty: sincerely apologize to the children for past unfair comparisons and labels, and promise never to repeat such mistakes. Some parents may be shocked at this suggestion. Spare a thought for this
reason: if parents expect children to beg pardon for their mistakes, why should not parents set an example by leading the way through a sincere apology? That would be one way of telling the children that they shun double standards. Once the slate is wiped clean (which the children will like very much), a fresh start can be made.

A Speaker holds up a $50 bill, and asks his audience if they want it. Many hands go up. He crushes the bill and holds it up again.Many still want it. He drops the bill on the floor and stamps on it. Now he holds up the crushed and dirty bill.There are still many takers. Then he poses the question: why? Why do they want a bill that is dirty? He answers the question for them: because the value of the bill is not diminished. It is the same with a child. Even if he is stained with a few dirty habits, his value is not diminished. He is still precious.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

17) Problem-Situations (continued)

"Two things are bad for the heart - running up stairs and running down people."
Bernard Baruch

SIBLING RIVALRY:
Children begin by running down their siblings. In time, they fault teachers and classmates; and not much later, parents. Unless the `running down' habit is checked, when it starts, parents better be prepared to become the butt of jokes. The `blaming game' is not new. It has its genesis in Adam, who blamed Eve, who in turn blamed the serpent.
Why do children pick on their siblings to complain, exaggerate and even lie? Because:
a) of the inane compulsion to appear blameless - `the other is to blame, not me'.
b) of the child's need to test the waters. If he can wade shallow waters(get away with minor tiffs), he will venture into deep waters(take on the heavy weights). Never
under-estimate the child's capacity to size up the opponent.
c) of the child's insatiable hunger for minor triumphs. Siblings are nearest and
therefore become the target. Scoring a point, managing to `fix' the other are
schemes that occupy the child's mind.
d) of the child's urge to assert her personality. She must gain credit, occupy space,
acquire possessions and climb the victory stand.
Sibling rivalry is common; found even in well-regulated families. That it is common,
does not absolve parents of their responsibility to check it. Their guilt is manifest when they allow it, tolerate it and sometimes take sides, not on the basis of fairness, but for other reasons. Sibling rivalry is an acid test for parental impartiality.
Heredity does not equip the child with attitudes; children will learn what they are taught. From the start, if parents spell out norms and enforce them, children will not get a chance to `manipulate' situations in their favour. Students despise teachers who do not maintain order in class. In the same way, children have a low opinion of parents who do not walk the talk.
In sibling rivalry, the affected child - the one who suffers at the hands of the bully - harbours fears. When such fears are expressed - `I don't like the way she pulls away my toys' - parents blunder by rubbishing such admissions as silly or sissy behaviour. If the child cannot freely express his fears to his parents, to whom will he? The child should not be forced into denying or hiding his fears; and not be disciplined because of the nagging fear he has of his bully sister. Subtly
and without giving up, his negative self-talk - `she is smarter than me' - should be
changed to positive self-talk - `but I am good at drawing and painting'. Denying the fact that the sister is smarter, if she is, is not wise. Instead, let him find a new line to bolster his confidence and an area of competence. Build on that by unearthing more strengths.
As children grow they will find ways to resolve disputes. But in the early years, strong signals from parents must put each one in his/her place. Accusations based on facts need to be probed objectively, but lying or exaggerating should be dealt with sternly.
During the famine in Mogadishu, Somalia, a visiting photographer saw a famished boy on the street. Out of compassion, he gave the boy a fruit. The eyes of the boy conveyed gratitude as he staggered to another little boy, his younger brother, who lay at a distance. The first one fed the fruit to the second, without holding back any part for himself. The photographer was deeply moved. A few days later he learned that the older boy died of starvation, but the little fellow who ate the fruit survived. Surely, their parents taught them a lasting lesson on sibling love.

Monday, April 20, 2009

16) Problem-Situations

"It is when you give of yourself that you truly give" Kahlil Gibran.

Parents face countless situations, when their parenting skills are tested. In this and the next few posts, we shall refer to some of them.

QUALITY TIME
Children often complain that parents do not spend `enough' time with them. Why?
a) Whatever parents do, the `perception' of children is what matters. When children feel that parents ignore them and `make' time more for adult pleasures and interests, the label sticks.
b) When daddy leaves early and returns late, and mummy works on shifts, they have a serious `time problem' because of their jobs. The home must be run; children given a comfortable life. Therefore jobs and the money parents earn, become crucial. If this is not clearly explained to the children, parents are misunderstood.
c) Children tend to compare themselves with their peers who have more time with their parents. Here again, parents have to study the two situations and clarify doubts to the children, in their idiom. Otherwise misconceptions continue.
d) When parents find it difficult to convince all the children, they should focus on the `one who calls the shots', and convince him/her. Once that is done, that child will convince the rest. Even if there are only two children, one takes on the mantle; the other follows.
e) When the gap between the spouses widens, mummy paints daddy as the villain. She is ready to make sacrifices for them, she says, but daddy does not care enough to find time for them. The children grow up unhappy with daddy. When they are older they find out that mummy played foul. In the battle of the spouses both lose.

How do parents tackle the recurring complaint from children?
By building TRUST, which comes from keeping PROMISES and being FAIR.
During the week, which is packed with professional engagements, it is difficult to set aside time for the children - to play with them or just chat with them. So, parents should creatively plan `fun' activities for the weekends and holidays. `On Saturday we will go on a picnic'. That promise should be kept, unless there is an emergency. The explanation that follows such a cancellation, better be good, because children do not easily forget broken promises and digits on their Default-Scoreboard go up. When more and more promises are broken, children place no store by the words of parents, and they lose credibility. Parents beware!

Anticipation is keener than enjoyment. When joint-activities are planned, it is the build-up, the anticipation that sparks enthusiasm. Parents should try to carefully utilize this period of waiting for the event, to counsel good behavior, because children are receptive during such times.

Some parents try to give children time in `quantity'; others in `quality'. Whether in quantity or quality, for children it is the `NOW' that matters; what they can enjoy now.

Besides planned activities, surprises add to the excitement that children experience.
When daddy, normally late from office, walks in early and decides to play a short game, or read a bed time story to them, or mummy takes time off from the kitchen to listen to happenings at school, the children treasure such times. The idea is for parents not to miss out on any opportunity. Kahlil Gibran was right. Only when children acknowledge that parents give of `themselves', and not just of their time, will they be satisfied.

A little boy, sitting at his doorstep, waited for his father to return from work. `Dad, how much do you earn for one hour of work?' Annoyed, the dad snaps:` none of your business'. Sad, the little boy goes to his room. After sometime dad goes up to his son's room. `I earn $50 an hour' he says. `Will you give me $25?' Surprised, yet eager to please his son whom he offended, he gives him the money. Then taking another $25 from under his pillow, he gives $50 to his dad with a request: 'Will you
spend an hour with me?'

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

15) An Examination of Conscience for Parents

"The unreflected life is not worth living" Socrates.

One of the preferred ways of setting off on a change-journey, is to begin with an examination of conscience. We want to change; become better parents by improving on the quality of parenting. What better way to start, than to find out where we stand today? (Please do not rush through this exercise. Read. Reflect. Respond.) A short
prayer before the exercise will do immense good. We need God's help to take us through this arduous journey.

EXAMPLE:
1) Can I honestly claim that my life is an example to my children?
2) In what areas do I see myself wanting?
3) In what areas do my children see me deficient?
4) If I were to make a list of lapses in this all-important area of parenting, what
would take the top three spots?

PARENTAL INSTRUCTIONS:
1) What are my priorities in life? It is these that will find a voice when I speak
with my children.
2) Am I rigid or flexible in the way I instruct my children? Do I adopt the same
style for all, not pausing to think that each is different, and therefore to be
instructed differently, while retaining the essentials?
3) Do I keep changing my instructions, based on circumstances that suit me? Put
differently, do my words reflect my double standards?
4) Do my children know that I live by a code and that I try to persuade them to
adopt a similar code (though not identical), in their lives?
5) Do I try to update my knowledge (for example, on social conduct, relationship
building skills and so on), so that my children benefit from parental inputs
which are constantly improving?

DISCIPLINE:
1) Do I flinch from disciplining my children, either because I believe that it is
harsh, not meant for children, or endorse the opinion that children will grow
out of their faults?
2) Do I blow hot and cold, disciplining more by mood, than the need of the child?
Because of this erratic behavior, are my children confused over what is
expected of them?
3) Am I partial in disciplining, sparing my 'pet' and being heavy-handed with the
others?
4) Do I follow some guidelines (Post 13), in disciplining my children?
5) From time to time, do I review my methods - using the more effective ones and
discarding the others?
In no way is this list exhaustive; it was not meant to be. The questions in the exercise are not penetrating, but general, because they are only intended to initiate the change-process, which is, untangling the knotted wires and reconnecting with our children.

Monday, April 13, 2009

14) LEAD PARENTING

"There are no juvenile delinquents; there are only delinquent parents."
Bishop Fulton Sheen

In posts 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and 13 we saw the importance of Example, Parental Advice/ Instructions and Discipline in the Parenting Vocation which is Love personified. When the first letters of Love (L), Example(E), Parental Advice/Instruction(A) and Discipline(D) are arranged, we get the acronym LEAD, which is the secret for the formation of children.

When a tasty dish is cooked, it is not just the cook who makes it possible. Without the right recipe and right ingredients, the dish would be insipid. Likewise, in parenting three essentials work together - Example,Parental Advice and Disciple - all done with Love. If one is missing, or below par, the result is not satisfactory.

Consider a parent who is a strict disciplinarian - rule enforcing. That is the good part. What if he misses out on the spirit of parenting, caught up only in rules. He
would do the children grave damage. And that is the bad part. In the same way, an
instruction-spouting parent whose example is poor, will not inspire her children to
follow her good words. Good example is not just powerful in itself, but doubles for
parental instruction. Besides, it lends special meaning to discipline. A child
disciplined by a parent whose example cannot be faulted, knows that his argument
against discipline is porous. When parents fail in the three key areas, they become
delinquent (to borrow a term from the Bishop).

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

13) Disciplining - Some Guidelines

"Disciplining without freedom is tyranny. Freedom without discipline is chaos."
Cullen Hightower

It is important that children understand the difference between license and freedom.
License is behaving without restraint, causing self and others harm. Freedom is controlled behavior; behaving with responsibility and accountability. There are boundaries that cannot be crossed. Since disciplining, or reining in improper conduct, is a risky business, following a few guidelines makes sense.

1) Disciplining should not proceed from anger, but spring only from love - genuinely
wanting the child to improve; and ensuring that the level of disciplining and the
degree of the offense match.
2) Set norms and warn the children that if those norms are breached, disciplining
would follow. Exercise caution in setting standards. They should not be
"impossible" for children to achieve; their ages, gender and fitness of body and
mind should be considered. Also, no setting of flexible norms for the 'pet' and
rigid ones for the others.
3) Disciplining after the breach should be immediate, either by dad or mum. For a
lapse on Monday to discipline the child on Saturday is unfair. Also, dumping dad
with the unpleasant task, makes him the villain. Mum cannot shrewdly escape
disciplining children.
4) Disciplining should be linked to a specific action of the child. "You behaved
badly in school. Your teacher sent us a note. That calls for some disciplining."
5) Every time a particular rule is broken, the same level of disciplining should
follow; if disciplining is called for, at all. Minor lapses should be treated as
aberrations, unless the child willfully repeats such actions. Grave lapses should
be dealt with sternly.
6) Empty threats don't work. "If you lie again, you will be disciplined." Those words
should be meant. If not the child will ignore such threats and parents will lose
credibility.
7) Playing favorites is out. If the daughter is disciplined, so will the son. If
No.1 is disciplined, so will No.3.
8) Trying to discipline the child from his perspective makes a big difference. A
father who is amused when his little son tears up an old newspaper, should not rap
him when he tears up today's paper. The little fellow gets confusing signals.
9) After disciplining the child, explain to him why it had to be done, and cuddle
him. He should not go to bed with rebellious thoughts.
10)Prefer the term 'disciplining' to 'punishment'.

Monday, April 6, 2009

12) Dare to Discipline

"Discipline is inevitable. If it does not come from within the man, it will be imposed from without." David Grayson

'Discipline' comes from the Latin word 'discipulus', which means 'to learn', akin to
'to teach'.

Discipline follows Example and Parental Instructions (Please refer to posts 8,9,10,11). The child sometimes rejects the person administering discipline, which makes it a risky task. Yet parents cannot absolve themselves of the responsibility. When they neglect or forsake such duties, school authorities will take over; and in later life, society and the Law will rather painfully carry out sentences that inflict punishment. Dr James Dobson, in his popular book, 'Dare to Discipline', draws a profound conclusion: 'Discipline is something you do for a child, and not to a child'. It is the loving purpose(and not the anger)which makes the difference between discipline and punishment. Children who have been lovingly disciplined, rather than arbitrarily punished, rarely look back in anger at the times they received some physical correction from loving parents. They get the message that
'limits' have to be set, since 'tough love' opposes the status quo. And they do not flinch from disciplining their own children, when it is their turn, because 'what child is there whom a parent does not discipline?' Hebrews:12-7.

Disciplining need not only mean physical correction, depriving the child of TV time,
access to toys or holding back some food which the child enjoys. It can be constructive, like: getting the child to read certain passages(based on the age of the child)and summarize them for the family at suppertime; getting the child to write a few lines on why he thinks he was disciplined; running a short errand, which he normally avoids; doing a chore at home, which is usually done by someone else;
finding the meaning of words, not necessarily from the dictionary, but by asking elders for the meanings; working on a brain-teaser like a riddle or a problem;
performing a task for a sibling; memorizing a short poem; cutting 15 minutes of playtime to add to study time and so on. The list is limited only by the creative urges of the parents. Constructive disciplining has its merits, one of which is obedience born of respect not terror.

Some children rebel against disciplining because of their insecurity. Deep down, they are uncertain of parental love. That is why a child must grow up completely
secure in the feeling that he is loved for what he is, and not what he can be.
A wise mother cautions: "Imagine the child to be a kite. Let him fly, but hold on to the string".

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

11) Negative Parental Instructions

"The greatest battles of life are fought out everyday in the silent chambers of one's soul" Anonymous.

It is the ill wind that blows no one any good. Negative inputs damage children more than parents can imagine. It is not that parents intentionally misguide their children; they would not want harm to befall their children. Yet in their own lives some priorities emerge, which they think will benefit the children in some way, and willy-nilly pass on such inputs. In the last post(10), I listed 10 positive inputs. The flip side of those appear here, as 10 negative inputs.

1) You don't see God. But money power is for all to see.
2) Even family will respect you only if you have wealth.
3) Schooling has a limited role. What matters is being worldly wise. There are
millionaires even among school drop-outs.
4) People see and respect what you have; not what they do not see. Possessions count;
keep adding to what you have.
5) You are right; health is one form of wealth. But don't ever forget that only cash
can settle medical bills.
6) Cultivate habits that serve your purpose. If you have the habit of dressing well,
dress well to impress those who matter.
7) Look at powerful people; crowds stand in awe of them, even if their behavior is
awkward. Remember, Power eclipses Behavior.
8) Play by your rules, to win always. Push ahead; nobody gives way. And nobody sees
what you do in secret.
9) Others matter only if they serve your purpose. Wise up; when you are in trouble,
you are alone.
10)Waste is relative. What you see as good for yourself, others don't see. Why
bother?

Wittingly or unwittingly, a set of ideas, important to parents, is transferred to children, like in a blood transfusion, except that instead of blood, ideas get into the system. Once in the system, such ideas are difficult to siphon out. Perhaps years later, through inputs from grandparents, teachers and others who have a different set of values, children begin to question the ideas they received from parents. That is when Individual Programming begins to take shape. Some children may decide to squeeze out of their veins the bad ideas that flowed in them until then.
Such a cleansing does not happen always; even when it happens negative ideas do not get completely drained out.