6) How do we improve the quality of Parenting?

The problem begins even before the couple come together. When they plan to get married, their parents check credentials - family, caste, qualifications, job security, assets and so on. Seldom do they check on the compatibility of the partners and their readiness to bring up children with the right inputs. If the partners find each other, not seeking parental help and guidance, they too skip discussing children. Mutual interests, life style, strengths and weaknesses, preference in music, reading and internet sites, attitudes to sex and money figure in their conversations. Not children. Children are an after-thought. As a result, when the doctor announces that they will have a baby in a few months, they are pleasantly surprised, but ill-prepared. Some rushed action follows: reading up, checking with young mothers, preparing baby's room and buying things that baby will need - blue or pink. Even then there is little preparation on Parenting. So when the child arrives, it is just trial and error. When the baby cries what do we do? Give him a rap; no, cuddle him.

Why do these young people not get educated on Parenting? In every profession experience counts. Experience goes at a premium. When the first child arrives, there is no experience to count on. It is much, much later that they can speak of experience. What then is the way out?

1)Study (not read) books on parenting by truthful and trusted parents.
2)Attend well-recommended courses by tried and skilled parents,whose edifying experiences become unforgettable lessons.
3)Consult parents who have had successful experiences in parenting; whose children are role models for their peers.
4)Visit blogs which offer useful tips on parenting.

Over confidence in one's ability to cope with tricky situations can result in chaos in the family and harm to the child. It is wiser and safer to be educated in this
arduous, yet holy calling, preferably before the child arrives.

5) "There is no such thing as a problem child."

"There is no such thing as a problem child. There is a problem parent. "Dr Anuradha Oberoi, Child Psychologist.

A diamond is mined, cut to size and polished to become a dazzling, often high-priced
treasure. Sometimes it is chipped in the refining process; then it suffers from loss of brilliance and value. Parenting follows a similar process. When a couple get their first child(that bundle of joy), the mining process starts. They pamper the child with gifts and affection. At that time they do not know what 'tough love' means. Lapses, one after another, pile up. Such experiences leave the parents exhausted, but wiser. Cutting the diamond to size has begun. Years later, after much hard work, repentance and reform, the diamond begins to take on a glow. Parenting is then coming into its own, through hard won experience. However if the learning process goes wrong, parents are devastated - they have lost the glow they should have had. How does this happen?

Some parents learn fast; others learn slowly, refusing to benefit from the experiences of parents they know and watch. A few shuffle their priorities and form habits which harm children. For example: some parents, despite their avowed concern for children, forsake them to grandparents, baby-sitters or fancy day-care-centers, in the name of their careers, which they believe cannot be comprised. They are eager to provide children with greater financial security, expecting that money will provide the answer to all questions, the solution to all problems. Only later they discover how wrong they were. A few others have their pet passions: partying, gambling, drinking, hanging out with 'friends', listening to their favorite music and watching TV for long hours.

Attending to the needs of children, then becomes a spare-time activity, or an act of relegating responsibility to domestic help. Such parents feel guilty and try to over-compensate their children, indulging them with gifts and concessions. They think that such 'gestures of love' will earn for them the 'affection' of their children. Spouses even compete in playing 'benefactor', hoping to polarize the attention of the children in his/her direction. In time they find out, to their dismay, that they received only 'lip-service' from children who manipulated them to gain favor after favor. The gap between spouses widens; slowly they lose control over themselves, the children and the whole family. In agony they ask: "Why did this happen to us? We gave the children all that they wanted". Very late, they realize that love cannot be purchased.

Why do well-meaning parents end up disappointed? Dr Anuradha Oberoi's words at the top of this post offer an answer.It is a sledge-hammer blow to parents who really want to succeed in parenting, yet fail.In humility, if parents accept that part of the blame rests with them (and not look for excuses), the obvious question is: How do we improve the quality of parenting?

4) Holding up Parenting, the multi-faced Diamond

What is a Diamond? The Oxford Dictionary gives it the following meaning: it is 'a precious stone consisting of clear, colorless form of pure carbon, the hardest naturally occurring substance'.

Why is Parenting like a Diamond? BECAUSE A PARENT IS:

PRECIOUS: Who can deny that? A child who has lost his parents will vouch for that. Besides the child knowing that, it is important that Parents realize how vital their role is; and feel proud of being entrusted with the child, by a Trusting God.

COLORLESS: A parent should not suffer from any bias for or against a child. Any thinking which is colored leads to discoloration. Therefore, a parent will have no pets, no favorites, no preference for boy over girl or girl over boy. A mother of six was asked who of her children she loved most. She said that she loved that child most who was in trouble. When he got out of trouble, she loved most the next who was in trouble. Her focus was on the need of the child.

PURE: Parenting is flawed when the child is exploited and not served. Then the Diamond loses luster and value. My Father often said: 'Expectation is a sure recipe for disappointment'. Expect nothing; have no agenda, he explained. In the purity of his/her heart, let no parent expect payback. If it comes, by way of caring and serving acts of the child, treat such behavior as a bonus and be thankful to God and the child.

HARD: A parent is hard(tough) in making sacrifices for the child; without complaining; not expecting appreciation. And he/she is hard(strong) in resisting decadent and corrosive ideas and practices that try to eat into the family-fabric; and is hard(firm) in disciplining.

NATURAL: Loving and caring come naturally to parents. For them, it is not a show of affection, but the very beat of their large hearts. To them, it is as easy as breathing. In the shade of God's outstretched Hand,they mold the child for posterity.

MULTI-FACED: The many faces of a Diamond glow. So does a Parent, through diverse skills. Teaching and training; counseling and disciplining; providing emotional and physical support and healing. There is nothing that a parent will not do for the child.

SHINING: A Diamond dazzles and is brilliant. So is a parent whose goodness shines. Through some unchecked weakness, if a parent loses sparkle, the child is impacted;
sometimes irreversibly. So,a parent has no choice but to shine brightly.

How do we measure up? How many carats?
(More on these points will appear in subsequent posts.)

3) Who is Little Joe ?

Who is Little Joe? Is he a biological product?

Science can explain how the body of Little Joe is formed in his mother's Womb. It can trace his growth from embryo to full grown babe. But it cannot explain how 'life' was breathed into that child. In fact, Science is confused over explaining 'life' itself. At some point in his growth,in his mother's womb, Little Joe receives 'life'. At that point he becomes an unique individual. In the whole wide world, Little Joe will not have a clone; because when God breathed 'life' into his body, He did not want to create a copy of someone else. He wanted Joe to be different; special. No one like Little Joe ever walked this earth before; no one like him will walk it again. That is how God works. Not Science. So biology,at best can explain a few things; then it stops. Without doubt Little Joe is a gift to his parents from a Merciful, All-Knowing and All-Powerful God.
So, caring for a child, God's Gift, is about employing the 'Divine' streak in parents. Parenting is therefore, not just a duty, or a responsibility, but an exalted vocation; different from all others; dignified and ennobled, beyond comparison. By its very nature it places on parents the responsibility to adapt to the needs of each child; because each is different; unique.
Parents, are we conscious and proud of our calling?

2) Is it crazy to want to be a Parent ?

Why not check it out?

* Ask childless couples if they are crazy to want to move heaven and earth for a child.
* Ask a young mother who has just lost her infant in a fatal accident, whether she was crazy to have had that baby, in the first place.
* Ask old parents, who have just lost their only young son (full of promise and energy) in the war zone, if their years of parenting are wasted and lie buried under the tombstone of their son.

- What answers do you think we will get?

Is life weighed in pan scales? Should X inputs be balanced against Y outputs? If efforts to raise children are not recompensed, why the heck have them?

I have often wondered why people make sacrifices for others, with no reward in sight? For example, why would a man lay down his life for friend, when he will not even enjoy the glory that goes with martyrdom? Why would a mother sit by her child who has lapsed into a coma with no hope of recovery? Why would a father work his fingers to the bone to clear the debts of his vagabond son?

In relationships pan scales do not work. Parenting has nothing to do with rewards. It is the touch of the 'Divine' in us.

Is a child a gift from a merciful God or a biological product ?

1) Why is Parenting not an advertised job ?

Because there will be no applicants! Why? Because applicants will not like the job profile.

No pay,no perks,no bonus,no overtime wages. No fixed hours. No week-ends off, no holidays in the year, no annual vacations. No job description. Yet all tasks are to be carried out diligently: a) Providing funds, with no limits b) Feeding the children c) Cleaning and dressing them d) Nursing them to health when they are ill,with several visits to the doctors, and many sleepless nights e) Teaching and training them in different activities, from potty training to table manners f) encouraging and counseling them g) disciplining them, when necessary h) setting an example in thought, word and deed- day in and day out.( Please add to the list, if I have missed some tasks)

No certificates,medals of honor or trophies. Chances are that there might be no 'thank you' or any compensation from the children.

With such a profile would there be takers ??

Yet most couples become parents at some stage in their lives, having children of their own or through adoption. Why does this happen ? Is it crazy to become a parent when the odds are stacked against us ?

What do you think ?