"Make me thy fuel, flame of God." Amy Carmichael.
Gertrude Mueller Nelson, in her book, Here all dwell free, writes of a woman who broke both her arms, tripping over a dog. The woman describes how miserable and humiliated she feels at being totally dependent on others: "Can you imagine what it feels like to need my husband and my daughter to put on all my clothes; to need my husband to wipe my bottom? This is total reduction. But the most important thing I learned was how to be still!"
Being self-reliant is good. But being cocky in our sense of independence can lead to needless grief. We imagine that we are young, healthy, wealthy and intellectually superior. We need nothing and nobody. We can manage very well on our own. Then it happens, as in the case of the woman in the story: an accident, prolonged illness, financial losses, failing memory and weakening faculties. We are brought down on our knees. Suddenly we become helpless. From independence, we sink to dependence. We feel the pain of a crushing blow to body and spirit. In bed we lie vanquished and rue our proud and defiant ways.
Do we stay vanquished or rise from a seeming disaster to accept help gratefully? Do we turn to God in humility and accept our vulnerability, weakness and brokenness? The longer we resent the predicament, the more we suffer. Like the woman in the story, do we learn to remain still and let God work His wonders through helping hands around us? With good reason Maywood sang: "What are we without a helping hand?"
It is time that we and our children learned that giving generously and accepting graciously are two sides of the same coin.
Our children could face problems in their young lives and need help, just when they believe that they are invincible. Being top of the class, having a fan-following on the field, blessed with looks to turn heads and a tongue that is praised by admirers, they could have the world at their feet. 'Special kid! Wonder kid!' could be chants that fill their ears. Suddenly things go wrong and the child is confined to bed and imprisoned in a room, at the mercy of others. Will the child cope, accepting support and sustenance from others? Much will depend on how we teach the child to cope, and not feed on self-pity and despair.
A school in Chicago that was under threat of closure, sported a banner which read:
"Lord don't move our mountain; just give us the strength to climb".
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
70 ) Teach children lessons using stories - Our True Selves
" For it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks." Luke 6:45
The Preacher placed two identical jars on the table. Then he quoted a verse from Scripture: " The Lord does not see as mortals see; they look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart " (1:Samuel 16:7). With that, he continued his demonstration. He explained that the jars were made at the same factory, were of the same material and held the same volume. Though identical, they were different because of what each held. To prove his point, he inverted the jars. Out of one flowed honey; out of the second flowed vinegar. Then he gave his audience the lesson. When the jars were upright, he said, they looked identical. Only when they were turned over (upset), did we know what was in each. He went on to draw an inference. It is the same with us, he deduced. When everything goes to our liking, we are on our best behaviour. We stand upright. But when things go wrong, when we are 'upset', what is in us comes out. Then our sophisticated or apparently calm exterior is convulsed. We become angry and violent. That is when our true selves are exposed. The masks fall off.
How do our children behave when they are 'upset'? It would largely depend on how we behave in similar situations. Surely, they learn from us. Does the honey of patience and forgiveness flow out, or the vinegar of anger and sour words? Is the Lord happy with what He sees?
To change our children for the better, we have to change ourselves first.
The Preacher placed two identical jars on the table. Then he quoted a verse from Scripture: " The Lord does not see as mortals see; they look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart " (1:Samuel 16:7). With that, he continued his demonstration. He explained that the jars were made at the same factory, were of the same material and held the same volume. Though identical, they were different because of what each held. To prove his point, he inverted the jars. Out of one flowed honey; out of the second flowed vinegar. Then he gave his audience the lesson. When the jars were upright, he said, they looked identical. Only when they were turned over (upset), did we know what was in each. He went on to draw an inference. It is the same with us, he deduced. When everything goes to our liking, we are on our best behaviour. We stand upright. But when things go wrong, when we are 'upset', what is in us comes out. Then our sophisticated or apparently calm exterior is convulsed. We become angry and violent. That is when our true selves are exposed. The masks fall off.
How do our children behave when they are 'upset'? It would largely depend on how we behave in similar situations. Surely, they learn from us. Does the honey of patience and forgiveness flow out, or the vinegar of anger and sour words? Is the Lord happy with what He sees?
To change our children for the better, we have to change ourselves first.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
69 ) Teach children lessons using stories- Turning the other cheek
"But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also." Matt.5:39
Apartheid in South Africa was a blot on human history. Crime bred crime, like rats multiplying in a sewerage. In the name of racial superiority, the whites unleashed a reign of terror to oppress the blacks and crush any attempt they made to gain even a semblance of freedom. The blacks reeked revenge, but found small opportunity to carry out their plots for fear of harsh reprisals. In those times, only hate flowed like pus from a lanced boil; and the stench was nauseating. But a black woman, acting differently, showed that the flow of hate could be stemmed.
She and her two young children were walking down a street when a white man, who was walking passed the three, stopped and spat at her. Wiping her face, and with no trace of hate in her tone, she said: "Thank you, Sir. Now for the children". Hearing her totally unexpected response, the white man stood motionless and nonplussed. He did not know how to react to a woman who did not return an insult for an insult.
Do our children trade insults? Or, are they taught to be compassionate and forgiving? If they return insult for insult, they are no better than the one who started the quarrel; in no way superior to the child who is not trained well at home.
On the contrary, if they are taught to return kindness when unkindness is shown to them, they will be teaching other children silent lessons that they missed in their homes. The nonplussed ones will secretly admire our courageous children who refuse to go the tit-for-tat way.
Apartheid in South Africa was a blot on human history. Crime bred crime, like rats multiplying in a sewerage. In the name of racial superiority, the whites unleashed a reign of terror to oppress the blacks and crush any attempt they made to gain even a semblance of freedom. The blacks reeked revenge, but found small opportunity to carry out their plots for fear of harsh reprisals. In those times, only hate flowed like pus from a lanced boil; and the stench was nauseating. But a black woman, acting differently, showed that the flow of hate could be stemmed.
She and her two young children were walking down a street when a white man, who was walking passed the three, stopped and spat at her. Wiping her face, and with no trace of hate in her tone, she said: "Thank you, Sir. Now for the children". Hearing her totally unexpected response, the white man stood motionless and nonplussed. He did not know how to react to a woman who did not return an insult for an insult.
Do our children trade insults? Or, are they taught to be compassionate and forgiving? If they return insult for insult, they are no better than the one who started the quarrel; in no way superior to the child who is not trained well at home.
On the contrary, if they are taught to return kindness when unkindness is shown to them, they will be teaching other children silent lessons that they missed in their homes. The nonplussed ones will secretly admire our courageous children who refuse to go the tit-for-tat way.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
68) Teach children lessons using stories - Sowing Seeds
"You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you." John Wooden
The Pakistani Taxi Driver who was featured in the last post, will not go away without telling our children one more story and teaching them one more lesson.
As he drove down a street, he noticed a homeless man on the kerb. The taxi driver invited the man into his cab and drove him to a wholesale street, where he bought him a case of umbrellas for $20. He told the man to sell the umbrellas at $5 each, as he let him get off the cab. That afternoon it rained heavily and the man sold all the umbrellas in the case. When he met the taxi driver after a few days, he tried to return $20 to him. But the taxi driver would not accept the money. Instead, he urged the man to trade in other goods and make some money."If I take the money back, you will go back to your old ways. If you owe me money, you will continue to work", he reasoned; and added in jest: "You may pay me back in the next world".
Some men teach without the vehemence of righteousness, without the strife of arguments and without the skill of preachers. They perform quietly and move on. The taxi driver belongs to that tribe. We can only pray that his tribe increase and that our children are wise enough to learn from people like him.
"---for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me----" Matt.25:35-36
The Pakistani Taxi Driver who was featured in the last post, will not go away without telling our children one more story and teaching them one more lesson.
As he drove down a street, he noticed a homeless man on the kerb. The taxi driver invited the man into his cab and drove him to a wholesale street, where he bought him a case of umbrellas for $20. He told the man to sell the umbrellas at $5 each, as he let him get off the cab. That afternoon it rained heavily and the man sold all the umbrellas in the case. When he met the taxi driver after a few days, he tried to return $20 to him. But the taxi driver would not accept the money. Instead, he urged the man to trade in other goods and make some money."If I take the money back, you will go back to your old ways. If you owe me money, you will continue to work", he reasoned; and added in jest: "You may pay me back in the next world".
Some men teach without the vehemence of righteousness, without the strife of arguments and without the skill of preachers. They perform quietly and move on. The taxi driver belongs to that tribe. We can only pray that his tribe increase and that our children are wise enough to learn from people like him.
"---for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me----" Matt.25:35-36
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
67 ) Teach Children Lessons Using Stories - Through Eyes of compassion
"Change your thoughts and you change your world." Norman Vincent Peale
A man entered the cab of a Pakistani taxi driver in the USA, posing as a passenger. In moments he pointed a gun at the taxi driver and in a snarl demanded all the money he had. Turning his eyes away from the road, the taxi driver looked at the man and in a compassionate voice replied: "Here, take all my money. You must need it more than I do. I have a cab and can make money. But you can't. So, take it". The man grabbed the money. Then, looking bewildered, he hit his head three times with the gun and incoherently muttered: "You wake me up, man. You wake me up". For a while he sat thinking, as the taxi driver continued to drive. Repeatedly nodding his head, he shoved the gun into his pocket, threw the money on the seat and got out of the cab at the next red traffic signal. He took nothing.
What lessons should our children learn from this story?
1) That some angry and violent people wilt in the warmth of compassion. Perhaps the man with the gun succeeded in relieving other taxi drivers of their money, through angry threats and violence. But here was one who was unafraid of a gun because he was armed with compassion. He saw the plight of a desperate man who used violent ways to pluck money out of timid hands. He chose to respond differently. His readiness to give all he had, and the way he rationalized his action confused and troubled the gunman. Never before had this man come face to face with Compassion. He was felled by a feather. He could not take money from one who did not resist; one who yielded willingly; one who put the other man's need above his own.
2) That such heroic acts stir even hardened criminals. Such acts help change the way these criminals think. "You wake me up", were the words of a man who once had good thoughts. Now those good thoughts slumbered. The taxi driver's good deed roused those drowsy good thoughts and he responded in a changed way. Our children should know that no one is lost. That no one should be put out of reach of their compassion. That a turn around could be just a corner away.
"I say to you, love your enemies." Matt.5:44.
A man entered the cab of a Pakistani taxi driver in the USA, posing as a passenger. In moments he pointed a gun at the taxi driver and in a snarl demanded all the money he had. Turning his eyes away from the road, the taxi driver looked at the man and in a compassionate voice replied: "Here, take all my money. You must need it more than I do. I have a cab and can make money. But you can't. So, take it". The man grabbed the money. Then, looking bewildered, he hit his head three times with the gun and incoherently muttered: "You wake me up, man. You wake me up". For a while he sat thinking, as the taxi driver continued to drive. Repeatedly nodding his head, he shoved the gun into his pocket, threw the money on the seat and got out of the cab at the next red traffic signal. He took nothing.
What lessons should our children learn from this story?
1) That some angry and violent people wilt in the warmth of compassion. Perhaps the man with the gun succeeded in relieving other taxi drivers of their money, through angry threats and violence. But here was one who was unafraid of a gun because he was armed with compassion. He saw the plight of a desperate man who used violent ways to pluck money out of timid hands. He chose to respond differently. His readiness to give all he had, and the way he rationalized his action confused and troubled the gunman. Never before had this man come face to face with Compassion. He was felled by a feather. He could not take money from one who did not resist; one who yielded willingly; one who put the other man's need above his own.
2) That such heroic acts stir even hardened criminals. Such acts help change the way these criminals think. "You wake me up", were the words of a man who once had good thoughts. Now those good thoughts slumbered. The taxi driver's good deed roused those drowsy good thoughts and he responded in a changed way. Our children should know that no one is lost. That no one should be put out of reach of their compassion. That a turn around could be just a corner away.
"I say to you, love your enemies." Matt.5:44.
Monday, March 22, 2010
66) Do our children pray with faith?
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6.
Helen Roseveare, a doctor from England, working in Zaire among the poor and destitute reports:
"One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but, in spite of all we could do, she died leaving us with a tiny premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator. (We had no electricity to run an incubator.) We also had no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly, in distress, to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst. Rubber perishes easily in tropical climates. "And it is our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed. As in the West it is no good crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways. "All right," I said, "put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts. "Your job is to keep the baby warm." The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby.
I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle. The baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died. During the prayer time, one ten year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, God," she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow,God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon." While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added by way of a corollary, "And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she'll know You really love her?" As often with the prayers of children,I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say, "Amen?" I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything. The Bible says so. But there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from the homeland.
I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator! Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there, at the front door was a large twenty-two pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas - that would make a nice batch of buns for the weekend. Then,as I put my hand in again, I felt the.....could it really be? I grasped it and pulled it out - yes, a brand-new, rubber hot water bottle! I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly, too!" Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted. Looking up at me, she asked: "Can I go over with you, Mummy, and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?" That parcel had been on the way for five whole months. Packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it "that afternoon."
"Before they call, I will answer!" Isaiah 65:24" Our God really IS..AN AWESOME GOD.
Julia Cameron got it right when she wrote: "Leap and the net will appear".
Helen Roseveare, a doctor from England, working in Zaire among the poor and destitute reports:
"One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but, in spite of all we could do, she died leaving us with a tiny premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator. (We had no electricity to run an incubator.) We also had no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly, in distress, to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst. Rubber perishes easily in tropical climates. "And it is our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed. As in the West it is no good crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways. "All right," I said, "put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts. "Your job is to keep the baby warm." The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby.
I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle. The baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died. During the prayer time, one ten year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, God," she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow,God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon." While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added by way of a corollary, "And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she'll know You really love her?" As often with the prayers of children,I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say, "Amen?" I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything. The Bible says so. But there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from the homeland.
I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator! Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there, at the front door was a large twenty-two pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas - that would make a nice batch of buns for the weekend. Then,as I put my hand in again, I felt the.....could it really be? I grasped it and pulled it out - yes, a brand-new, rubber hot water bottle! I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly, too!" Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted. Looking up at me, she asked: "Can I go over with you, Mummy, and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?" That parcel had been on the way for five whole months. Packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it "that afternoon."
"Before they call, I will answer!" Isaiah 65:24" Our God really IS..AN AWESOME GOD.
Julia Cameron got it right when she wrote: "Leap and the net will appear".
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
65) Do our children make such sacrifices?
" Almost everything we do is insignificant. But it is very important that we do it."
Mahatma Gandhi.
"57 Cents That Made History"
A sobbing little girl stood near a small Church from which she had been turned away because it 'was too crowded'. "I can't go to Sunday School," she sobbed to the pastor as he walked by. Seeing her shabby, unkempt appearance, the pastor guessed the reason and, taking her by the hand, took her inside and found a place for her in the Sunday School class. The child was so touched that she went to bed that night thinking of the children who have no place to worship Jesus. Some two years later, this child lay dead in one of the poor tenement buildings and the parents called for the kind pastor, who had befriended their daughter, to handle the final arrangements. As her poor little body was being moved, a worn and crumpled purse was found which seemed to have been rummaged from some trash dump. Inside was found 57 cents and a note scribbled in childish handwriting which read, "This is to help build the little Church bigger so more children can go to Sunday school." For two years she had saved for this offering of love. When the pastor tearfully read that note, he knew instantly what he would do. Carrying this note and the cracked, red pocketbook to the pulpit, he told the story of her unselfish love and devotion. He challenged his deacons to get busy and raise enough money for the larger building.
But the story does not end there! A newspaper learned of the story and published it. It was read by a Realtor who offered them a parcel of land worth many thousands. When told that the Church could not pay so much, he offered it for a 57 cent payment. Church members made large subscriptions. Checks came from far and wide. Within five years the little girl's gift had increased to $250,000.00 a huge sum for that time (near the turn of the century).
Her unselfish love had paid large dividends. When you are in the city of Philadelphia , look up Temple Baptist Church , with a seating capacity of 3,300, and Temple University , where hundreds of students are trained. Have a look, too, at the Good Samaritan Hospital and at a Sunday School building which houses hundreds of Sunday scholars, so that no child in the area will ever need to be left outside at Sunday school time. In one of the rooms of this building may be seen the picture of the sweet face of the little girl whose 57 cents, so sacrificially saved, made such remarkable history. Alongside of it is a portrait of her kind pastor.
Mahatma Gandhi.
"57 Cents That Made History"
A sobbing little girl stood near a small Church from which she had been turned away because it 'was too crowded'. "I can't go to Sunday School," she sobbed to the pastor as he walked by. Seeing her shabby, unkempt appearance, the pastor guessed the reason and, taking her by the hand, took her inside and found a place for her in the Sunday School class. The child was so touched that she went to bed that night thinking of the children who have no place to worship Jesus. Some two years later, this child lay dead in one of the poor tenement buildings and the parents called for the kind pastor, who had befriended their daughter, to handle the final arrangements. As her poor little body was being moved, a worn and crumpled purse was found which seemed to have been rummaged from some trash dump. Inside was found 57 cents and a note scribbled in childish handwriting which read, "This is to help build the little Church bigger so more children can go to Sunday school." For two years she had saved for this offering of love. When the pastor tearfully read that note, he knew instantly what he would do. Carrying this note and the cracked, red pocketbook to the pulpit, he told the story of her unselfish love and devotion. He challenged his deacons to get busy and raise enough money for the larger building.
But the story does not end there! A newspaper learned of the story and published it. It was read by a Realtor who offered them a parcel of land worth many thousands. When told that the Church could not pay so much, he offered it for a 57 cent payment. Church members made large subscriptions. Checks came from far and wide. Within five years the little girl's gift had increased to $250,000.00 a huge sum for that time (near the turn of the century).
Her unselfish love had paid large dividends. When you are in the city of Philadelphia , look up Temple Baptist Church , with a seating capacity of 3,300, and Temple University , where hundreds of students are trained. Have a look, too, at the Good Samaritan Hospital and at a Sunday School building which houses hundreds of Sunday scholars, so that no child in the area will ever need to be left outside at Sunday school time. In one of the rooms of this building may be seen the picture of the sweet face of the little girl whose 57 cents, so sacrificially saved, made such remarkable history. Alongside of it is a portrait of her kind pastor.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
64) Vacation
For three months, I shall be out of town, on vacation. I shall resume posts on this blog when I return.
Before I sign out for now, let me wish visitors to the blog, a blessed and peace-filled Christmas and an eventful 2010. Have a great year! May your dreams come true!
And may your children bring you much joy!
God bless.
Ignatius Fernandez.
Before I sign out for now, let me wish visitors to the blog, a blessed and peace-filled Christmas and an eventful 2010. Have a great year! May your dreams come true!
And may your children bring you much joy!
God bless.
Ignatius Fernandez.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
63) Unsung Heroes (3)
"It is a peg big enough on which to hang a hope, for every child born into this world, is an ever fresh and radiant possibility." Kate Douglas Wiggin
Some children light a fire by their deeds and let others bask in its warmth.
1) The Pastor and his eleven year old son made the rounds in their town, distributing Gospel Literature, every Sunday afternoon. One Sunday it was very cold and raining heavily - not the time to step out. But the boy was dressed and ready. The Pastor was reluctant, because of the bad weather. Eager to do what he did every Sunday, the boy begged his father to let him do the rounds alone. For two hours he roamed the streets distributing Gospel Tracts. Now he was completely wet and cold to the bone. With the streets deserted, he wondered to whom he would give the last copy. On an impulse, he decided to knock on the first door he saw. He knocked and rang the door bell. No one answered. Perhaps there was no one at home, he figured, and wanted to leave. Something told him to try again. He kept knocking the door and ringing the bell, until an old lady opened the door. He gave her the last Gospel Tract and a message that Jesus loved her.
The next Sunday, at Church, an old lady stood up to give testimony. She began by saying that she had not been to that Church before. Then she narrated her story. Her husband died leaving her all alone. She felt desperate and unwanted. There was much sadness in her heart. To put an end to it, she decided to put an end to her life. So, she went up to the attic, wanting to hang herself. That was when she heard the incessant knocking on the door and ringing of the door bell. She wondered who it could be, since no one visited her. Reluctantly, she came down to check. At the door she saw a sweet little boy with an angelic smile telling her that Jesus loved her. After he left, she read every word of the Gospel Tract, which the boy gave her. Slowly she made her way up to the attic and took down the rope she put up a few minutes ago, to hang herself. Now she would not need it. She decided to live because Jesus loved her; Jesus cared, she was sure. There was not a dry eye in the Church as the old lady completed her testimony. The Pastor's tears did not go unnoticed - he was holding his son in a tight embrace and weeping uncontrollably.
Some children become heroes, without wanting to be so.
2) Chen Gaonian, in China, was only 12 in 1984, when his mother was afflicted with Myelitis (inflammation of the spinal chord). Even with school and chores at home, he made time to care for his ailing mother. He has been doing that ever since she fell ill. Now, married, and father of a boy, he understands filial duties better. Living in the same town, but at a little distance from his mother's home, he visits her three times a week to give her massages and to comfort her in her pain. Doctors maintain, that it is the son's love and care that kept the mother in better health and alive, all these years. He was given the 'Star of Filial Piety and Respect for the Elderly' Award, by the Government in 2006. He prefers to remain unsung, caring for his beloved mother.
Some children light a fire by their deeds and let others bask in its warmth.
1) The Pastor and his eleven year old son made the rounds in their town, distributing Gospel Literature, every Sunday afternoon. One Sunday it was very cold and raining heavily - not the time to step out. But the boy was dressed and ready. The Pastor was reluctant, because of the bad weather. Eager to do what he did every Sunday, the boy begged his father to let him do the rounds alone. For two hours he roamed the streets distributing Gospel Tracts. Now he was completely wet and cold to the bone. With the streets deserted, he wondered to whom he would give the last copy. On an impulse, he decided to knock on the first door he saw. He knocked and rang the door bell. No one answered. Perhaps there was no one at home, he figured, and wanted to leave. Something told him to try again. He kept knocking the door and ringing the bell, until an old lady opened the door. He gave her the last Gospel Tract and a message that Jesus loved her.
The next Sunday, at Church, an old lady stood up to give testimony. She began by saying that she had not been to that Church before. Then she narrated her story. Her husband died leaving her all alone. She felt desperate and unwanted. There was much sadness in her heart. To put an end to it, she decided to put an end to her life. So, she went up to the attic, wanting to hang herself. That was when she heard the incessant knocking on the door and ringing of the door bell. She wondered who it could be, since no one visited her. Reluctantly, she came down to check. At the door she saw a sweet little boy with an angelic smile telling her that Jesus loved her. After he left, she read every word of the Gospel Tract, which the boy gave her. Slowly she made her way up to the attic and took down the rope she put up a few minutes ago, to hang herself. Now she would not need it. She decided to live because Jesus loved her; Jesus cared, she was sure. There was not a dry eye in the Church as the old lady completed her testimony. The Pastor's tears did not go unnoticed - he was holding his son in a tight embrace and weeping uncontrollably.
Some children become heroes, without wanting to be so.
2) Chen Gaonian, in China, was only 12 in 1984, when his mother was afflicted with Myelitis (inflammation of the spinal chord). Even with school and chores at home, he made time to care for his ailing mother. He has been doing that ever since she fell ill. Now, married, and father of a boy, he understands filial duties better. Living in the same town, but at a little distance from his mother's home, he visits her three times a week to give her massages and to comfort her in her pain. Doctors maintain, that it is the son's love and care that kept the mother in better health and alive, all these years. He was given the 'Star of Filial Piety and Respect for the Elderly' Award, by the Government in 2006. He prefers to remain unsung, caring for his beloved mother.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
62) Unsung Heroes (2)
"If you follow the steps of your father, you learn to walk like him." West African Proverb
Fathers have stout hearts, which have to be broken sometimes to know what is inside. The short stories that follow let us peep into those hearts, through the broken pieces.
1) Alan Redpath, former Pastor of Moody Memorial Church, tells of the time when there was tension at home and hot words were exchanged. But as they sat at dinner, his father looked across at his wife and said: "I'm sorry I spoke to you the way I did. I'm ashamed of myself". The meal ended quietly. In the night, Alan knelt in prayer and begged God to make him the man his father was: "O God, I thank thee for a father like that. Make me more like him.
John Nicholson explains why fathers do the things they do: "The quality of a child's relationship with his or her father seems to be the most important influence in deciding how that person will react to the world". That could have been the reason Alan's father swallowed his pride before he swallowed his food, to apologize to his wife and set an example to his children. Only strong men apologize; and fathers have to be strong.
2) Rick was a born paraplegic. Once he told his father, Dick Hoyt, that he would like to participate in a 5 mile race. Promptly his father agreed. He made the boy sit in a wheelchair and pushed him the entire 5 miles. After that, Rick wished to take part in more races - the thrill had got to him. His father who was not an athlete, had to practise running and swimming for many hours to be fit for the races. In one race, the Ironman (the most difficult triathlon), Dick swam with Rick in tow for 4 kilometres in the ocean, then cycled for 180 kilometres, with his son on the cycle, and ended the race with a 42 kilometres marathon, carrying his son. The total distance Dick covered in that race, was 226 kilometres. The pair took part in many races, although it was not easy for Dick to push, run, cycle and swim with his boy attached to him, all through the race. During one such race Dick suffered a heart attack. Thankfully, he recovered. Asked why he kept doing what seemed impossible, he replied: "I run only because of my son". That was one way he showed his son that he loved him. He was prepared to do anything for his son, even with a broken heart. It is amazing how much a father's love can achieve.
Fathers have stout hearts, which have to be broken sometimes to know what is inside. The short stories that follow let us peep into those hearts, through the broken pieces.
1) Alan Redpath, former Pastor of Moody Memorial Church, tells of the time when there was tension at home and hot words were exchanged. But as they sat at dinner, his father looked across at his wife and said: "I'm sorry I spoke to you the way I did. I'm ashamed of myself". The meal ended quietly. In the night, Alan knelt in prayer and begged God to make him the man his father was: "O God, I thank thee for a father like that. Make me more like him.
John Nicholson explains why fathers do the things they do: "The quality of a child's relationship with his or her father seems to be the most important influence in deciding how that person will react to the world". That could have been the reason Alan's father swallowed his pride before he swallowed his food, to apologize to his wife and set an example to his children. Only strong men apologize; and fathers have to be strong.
2) Rick was a born paraplegic. Once he told his father, Dick Hoyt, that he would like to participate in a 5 mile race. Promptly his father agreed. He made the boy sit in a wheelchair and pushed him the entire 5 miles. After that, Rick wished to take part in more races - the thrill had got to him. His father who was not an athlete, had to practise running and swimming for many hours to be fit for the races. In one race, the Ironman (the most difficult triathlon), Dick swam with Rick in tow for 4 kilometres in the ocean, then cycled for 180 kilometres, with his son on the cycle, and ended the race with a 42 kilometres marathon, carrying his son. The total distance Dick covered in that race, was 226 kilometres. The pair took part in many races, although it was not easy for Dick to push, run, cycle and swim with his boy attached to him, all through the race. During one such race Dick suffered a heart attack. Thankfully, he recovered. Asked why he kept doing what seemed impossible, he replied: "I run only because of my son". That was one way he showed his son that he loved him. He was prepared to do anything for his son, even with a broken heart. It is amazing how much a father's love can achieve.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
61) Unsung Heros (1)
"I will always be there for you. I hope you know." Helen M.Exley
There are many stories told of a mother's love. Here are two.
1) An uneducated 46 year old Malaysian mother shows us how to cheerfully embrace the parenting vocation. Widowed 10 years ago, she raised her two children with an unshaken resolve. Her 24 year old daughter graduated from university recently. She hopes that her 14 year old son will also graduate, in time. Doing a cleaning job in an Institution, she works on shifts from 7-30AM to 11-30PM, and on alternate days, from 7-30AM to 3-30PM, not availing of holidays, to earn overtime wages. To save money for her children she walks to work, instead of boarding a bus or local train. As she recovers from breast-cancer-surgery, she speaks of her attitude to life. It is not the problems of life that matter, but how we react to them, she muses. If you look at a situation as a problem, she reasons, it will assume the dimensions of one. Rather, if you look at it as an opportunity, you will find avenues, she assures us. Cheerfully, she adds, that she has no demands or complaints. She is at peace, happy and encouraged by good friends. For a woman who has not been to school, she packs much wisdom into her words.
2) A 5 month old premature daughter with malformed limbs tests her mother's love. The mother does not fail. The daughter is now 16 and does not stop praising her mother. What would have happened to her, without her mother? She shudders at the question. Tending to every need, because she could not help herself, her mother cared for her through every doctor visit, every surgery and every ordeal for 16 years. Now she moves around like a normal person. Grieving for the sacrifices her mother made, she admits that things were extremely tough with financial stress compounding their woes, after her father deserted the family. But her mother would not let that come in the way of medical attention her daughter needed. She juggled part time jobs with full time nursing of a helpless child.
There are many stories told of a mother's love. Here are two.
1) An uneducated 46 year old Malaysian mother shows us how to cheerfully embrace the parenting vocation. Widowed 10 years ago, she raised her two children with an unshaken resolve. Her 24 year old daughter graduated from university recently. She hopes that her 14 year old son will also graduate, in time. Doing a cleaning job in an Institution, she works on shifts from 7-30AM to 11-30PM, and on alternate days, from 7-30AM to 3-30PM, not availing of holidays, to earn overtime wages. To save money for her children she walks to work, instead of boarding a bus or local train. As she recovers from breast-cancer-surgery, she speaks of her attitude to life. It is not the problems of life that matter, but how we react to them, she muses. If you look at a situation as a problem, she reasons, it will assume the dimensions of one. Rather, if you look at it as an opportunity, you will find avenues, she assures us. Cheerfully, she adds, that she has no demands or complaints. She is at peace, happy and encouraged by good friends. For a woman who has not been to school, she packs much wisdom into her words.
2) A 5 month old premature daughter with malformed limbs tests her mother's love. The mother does not fail. The daughter is now 16 and does not stop praising her mother. What would have happened to her, without her mother? She shudders at the question. Tending to every need, because she could not help herself, her mother cared for her through every doctor visit, every surgery and every ordeal for 16 years. Now she moves around like a normal person. Grieving for the sacrifices her mother made, she admits that things were extremely tough with financial stress compounding their woes, after her father deserted the family. But her mother would not let that come in the way of medical attention her daughter needed. She juggled part time jobs with full time nursing of a helpless child.
Monday, September 14, 2009
60) Never Ending
Old movies end with the words 'The End'. I have watched many movies with those familiar words. As an old-timer, wistful memories come back of a time that will never return. Memories come back also of February 23, 2009, when I started this blog. It took on the dimensions of a huge challenge, as I set out to write each post. With time(seven months), the dimensions changed and I felt more at ease. After post 59 I felt relieved. It seemed as though I had climbed a mountain and was on my way down; doing the easy part.
I have captioned this post 'Never ending'. I have some reasons for doing that. Active parenting stops with the death of the parent, but memories inspire the children even after Eternal Life has claimed another prize. Parenting, as a subject, is never finished. Since every child is unique and every situation different, the multi-faced diamond, we call parenting, continues to dazzle, and we are struck with its never ending brilliance. Your parenting experience will be different from the experience your parents had. It is the uniqueness that makes parenting an exciting journey. Then, there is the part of practice - practising what the blog advocates. And practice, as we all know goes on and on.
An area that I have not addressed is the parenting of children with special needs - those challenged in one way or other. I have neither the knowledge nor experience to offer any thoughts on this key area. I appeal to parents who have such a situation, to seek expert help and not adopt means and methods suggested by well-meaning but poorly informed folks.
When you revisit the blog, you may find points leaping off the monitor to touch you - something that did not happen the first time you read the post. Stop and take note, for the sake of your children. When you like what you have read, please tell your friends. The whole purpose of starting this blog was to reach out to parents who could do with a little help. As I wrote the blog, thoughts rushed into my mind, but ran out like frightened cattle. I had to lasso them and confine them to the safety of the blog. That was not easy. I owe it to God that most of the experiences my wife, Mabel and I had in parenting and my reflections, found a place in the 60 posts.
I praise and thank my Lord and Master, Jesus.
I would like to close this post with the words of Mary Crowley: "God does not take time to make a nobody". Let your children grow up with the belief that they are special, because God planned it so.
My son, Leo, created the blog for me; formatting it and helping me edit it, when necessary. My daughter, Teresa, actively supported him. My wife, Mabel, with unmatched keenness, checked every post for content, sentence construction and punctuation. She has a remarkable skill for copy-editing and proof-reading. My other children enthusiastically support my initiative. I am deeply grateful to all of them.
Thank you for staying the course with me. I do appreciate your support. God bless you and your family.
NOTE: Until now, every week I put up two posts. That phase is over. After this, I shall write for the blog, now and again, to share some stories that reinforce the points already made.
I have captioned this post 'Never ending'. I have some reasons for doing that. Active parenting stops with the death of the parent, but memories inspire the children even after Eternal Life has claimed another prize. Parenting, as a subject, is never finished. Since every child is unique and every situation different, the multi-faced diamond, we call parenting, continues to dazzle, and we are struck with its never ending brilliance. Your parenting experience will be different from the experience your parents had. It is the uniqueness that makes parenting an exciting journey. Then, there is the part of practice - practising what the blog advocates. And practice, as we all know goes on and on.
An area that I have not addressed is the parenting of children with special needs - those challenged in one way or other. I have neither the knowledge nor experience to offer any thoughts on this key area. I appeal to parents who have such a situation, to seek expert help and not adopt means and methods suggested by well-meaning but poorly informed folks.
When you revisit the blog, you may find points leaping off the monitor to touch you - something that did not happen the first time you read the post. Stop and take note, for the sake of your children. When you like what you have read, please tell your friends. The whole purpose of starting this blog was to reach out to parents who could do with a little help. As I wrote the blog, thoughts rushed into my mind, but ran out like frightened cattle. I had to lasso them and confine them to the safety of the blog. That was not easy. I owe it to God that most of the experiences my wife, Mabel and I had in parenting and my reflections, found a place in the 60 posts.
I praise and thank my Lord and Master, Jesus.
I would like to close this post with the words of Mary Crowley: "God does not take time to make a nobody". Let your children grow up with the belief that they are special, because God planned it so.
My son, Leo, created the blog for me; formatting it and helping me edit it, when necessary. My daughter, Teresa, actively supported him. My wife, Mabel, with unmatched keenness, checked every post for content, sentence construction and punctuation. She has a remarkable skill for copy-editing and proof-reading. My other children enthusiastically support my initiative. I am deeply grateful to all of them.
Thank you for staying the course with me. I do appreciate your support. God bless you and your family.
NOTE: Until now, every week I put up two posts. That phase is over. After this, I shall write for the blog, now and again, to share some stories that reinforce the points already made.
Monday, September 7, 2009
58) The Parenting Journey
"We are loved not because we are good. We are good because we are loved." Desmond Tutu
The sooner we discern the wisdom in the Archbishop's words, the better. Children turn out good, not because of the things or riches we give them, but because of the unconditional love we give them. Parenting is all about loving children without taking time off, and expressing that love in more than a hundred ways - through example,wise instructions and discipline; by building self-worth and inculcating good practices in them; by shepherding them through difficult phases in their lives and letting go of them, when they can manage life on their own. With great wisdom, Hodding Carter wrote:"There are two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other is wings". When they have sprouted wings, they should learn to fly and not be nest-bound. The whole thing is epitomized in our lives. The lives we lead will largely determine the kind of lives our children will follow.
When we have stuck to the code, our children will develope some sterling virtues.
1) CHARITY: They will have a loving, helpful and forgiving disposition.
2) PRUDENCE: They will be guided by sound principles, and live fearlessly.
3) JUSTICE: They will be fair and defend the truth, even when tempted with riches.
4) FORTITUDE: They will endure hardships for a just cause, without complaining.
5) TEMPERANCE: They will live disciplined and regulated lives.
Since they are enriched by these virtues, they will hold us in high esteem, trust us, share our concerns and be emotionally close. Because they are genuine, these qualities will find scope and expression outside the immediate family. The Golden Rule will be part of their code. By living such lives, children will bestow on parents awards that surpass public recognition.
When all is said and done, what kind of a family are we left with? A healthy family, with a strong sense of oneness; rich in tradition; where respect, responsibility, praise and forgiveness are woven into the family fabric; where success and the lack of it, are accepted with composure; where a sense of fun keeps the family in good spirits; where each one pursues his or her own special interest, supported by the rest of the family; where frequent and purposeful communication keep the links in place; where time spent with one another is valued; where faith in God is the anchor;
and where trust in one another is silently and strongly built.
A.J.Cronin, in his book, Adventures in Two Worlds, extols the virtues of a nurse, who through selfless service gained the respect of her patients. With such splendid performance, he finds it difficult to understand why she is underpaid. A gross injustice, he thinks. But the nurse's response, which spoke of her purpose in life, had him admire her all the more. She said: "If God knows I'm worth it, that's all that matters to me". When we can say that, we would have travelled well on our parenting journey.
The sooner we discern the wisdom in the Archbishop's words, the better. Children turn out good, not because of the things or riches we give them, but because of the unconditional love we give them. Parenting is all about loving children without taking time off, and expressing that love in more than a hundred ways - through example,wise instructions and discipline; by building self-worth and inculcating good practices in them; by shepherding them through difficult phases in their lives and letting go of them, when they can manage life on their own. With great wisdom, Hodding Carter wrote:"There are two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other is wings". When they have sprouted wings, they should learn to fly and not be nest-bound. The whole thing is epitomized in our lives. The lives we lead will largely determine the kind of lives our children will follow.
When we have stuck to the code, our children will develope some sterling virtues.
1) CHARITY: They will have a loving, helpful and forgiving disposition.
2) PRUDENCE: They will be guided by sound principles, and live fearlessly.
3) JUSTICE: They will be fair and defend the truth, even when tempted with riches.
4) FORTITUDE: They will endure hardships for a just cause, without complaining.
5) TEMPERANCE: They will live disciplined and regulated lives.
Since they are enriched by these virtues, they will hold us in high esteem, trust us, share our concerns and be emotionally close. Because they are genuine, these qualities will find scope and expression outside the immediate family. The Golden Rule will be part of their code. By living such lives, children will bestow on parents awards that surpass public recognition.
When all is said and done, what kind of a family are we left with? A healthy family, with a strong sense of oneness; rich in tradition; where respect, responsibility, praise and forgiveness are woven into the family fabric; where success and the lack of it, are accepted with composure; where a sense of fun keeps the family in good spirits; where each one pursues his or her own special interest, supported by the rest of the family; where frequent and purposeful communication keep the links in place; where time spent with one another is valued; where faith in God is the anchor;
and where trust in one another is silently and strongly built.
A.J.Cronin, in his book, Adventures in Two Worlds, extols the virtues of a nurse, who through selfless service gained the respect of her patients. With such splendid performance, he finds it difficult to understand why she is underpaid. A gross injustice, he thinks. But the nurse's response, which spoke of her purpose in life, had him admire her all the more. She said: "If God knows I'm worth it, that's all that matters to me". When we can say that, we would have travelled well on our parenting journey.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
57) Problem Situations (continued)
THE TRUTH ABOUT DEATH
"People have not learned to live, who have not learned to die." Jim Elliot
Kisa Gotami, the wife of a rich man, was the mother of a fine-looking little boy, whom she loved dearly. He fell ill and died. Carrying the limp body of her beloved son, she went from person to person begging for help. Would someone do something to bring back her son to life? A kind person suggested that she meet The Budha. Patiently listening to her tale of sorrow, The Budha told her to fetch a mustard seed. But he placed a condition on the errand - the mustard seed had to be obtained from a house that had not known death. The hopeful mother went from door to door. Not one house could help her, because Death had visited every one of them. After much pleading and some thinking, she returned to The Budha, a reconciled woman. She learned that no one escaped death; not even children. In a way, confirming Gotami's finding, Jim Elliot, the Christian Missionary, preaching at funeral of his own young son, said: "God is not populating heaven, just with old men". Children also figure in God's plan.
Grandparents die; parents die; children die. How do we react? Are we devastated by the loss? Do we find it impossible to walk away from the ruins of a world that crashes around us? When we view death as a disaster, our children also will be at odds with it. However, if we have the good sense and courage to come to terms with death, our children will live without a morbid fear of it. So far we taught our children how to live; now, we shall teach them how to face death with equanimity.
Strickland Gillilan tells the story of a man and his much loved daughter, who died.
In a dream the man sees a procession of children before the Throne of God. Their candles are burning bright. Only one child has a problem keeping her candle burning.
He looks hard and finds that the child is his daughter. He rushes to her to find out why she has trouble with her candle. She says that her attempts to keep the candle burning are doused by his tears. The man wakes up in a sweat. He realizes that it was only a dream, but pledges immediately not to waste his life in tears. To lift the pall of sadness that death lets fall on people, expressions like, 'the king is dead; long live the king', and,'the show must go on', were coined. They state the case in a matter-of-fact way. Steve Jobs, who had more than one close encounter with Death, conveys the same thought in a more acceptable way: "When I was seventeen, I read a quote that went something like this, 'if you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll certainly be right'. It made an impression on me, and since then
I have looked into the mirror every morning and asked myself, 'if today were the last of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do?' And when the answer has been 'no' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked".
In the context of Steve Job's reflection, we can conclude with Douglas MacArthur: "Only those are fit to live, who are not afraid to die". Philip, father of Alexander the Great, had a peculiar way of reminding himself of death. A servant at the Palace faced him every morning with the greeting: "Philip, remember that you must die". We do not have to go to such lengths to remind ourselves that death is certain. All we need to understand is the truth - death is the beginning of eternal life. Most religions teach that there is life after death. When we are convinced of the eternal life to follow the short life here, our priorities could change. Our way of life could be different.
Not many moths ago, a plane from Brazil to France crashed into the Atlantic Ocean. There were no survivors. A few weeks later, a Yemeni Airbus flight with 153 on board crashed into the Indian Ocean. Only one girl, in her teens, survived. Should she not ask herself: "Why did I survive? Is there a purpose in the rest of my life?" In truth, we all have to ask ourselves a question every morning: "Why am I alive today,
when so many who went to bed yesterday have not been given the gift of a new day? What do I have to do today that will make a difference?" The more we understand the gift of life, the less we will fear its end. The more fruitful our lives, the greater the satisfaction in living it. When it ends, after a short or long term, we can say with eternal gratitude: "I thank God for a full and happy life".
Instead of doing that, we busy ourselves chasing wealth, power, fame and possessions. We carry on this hunt at the cost of others, smug in the accumulation that we can count. But when death comes knocking, we cannot conceal a thing in our hands. We will have to go empty handed. Aware of this truth, Alexander the Great left orders that when he would be carried on his last journey, his empty hands would stick out. None of his conquests would go with him.
There is a ring of finality to the words of Saint Teresa of Avila(Spain): "Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing frighten you. Everything passes except God".
"People have not learned to live, who have not learned to die." Jim Elliot
Kisa Gotami, the wife of a rich man, was the mother of a fine-looking little boy, whom she loved dearly. He fell ill and died. Carrying the limp body of her beloved son, she went from person to person begging for help. Would someone do something to bring back her son to life? A kind person suggested that she meet The Budha. Patiently listening to her tale of sorrow, The Budha told her to fetch a mustard seed. But he placed a condition on the errand - the mustard seed had to be obtained from a house that had not known death. The hopeful mother went from door to door. Not one house could help her, because Death had visited every one of them. After much pleading and some thinking, she returned to The Budha, a reconciled woman. She learned that no one escaped death; not even children. In a way, confirming Gotami's finding, Jim Elliot, the Christian Missionary, preaching at funeral of his own young son, said: "God is not populating heaven, just with old men". Children also figure in God's plan.
Grandparents die; parents die; children die. How do we react? Are we devastated by the loss? Do we find it impossible to walk away from the ruins of a world that crashes around us? When we view death as a disaster, our children also will be at odds with it. However, if we have the good sense and courage to come to terms with death, our children will live without a morbid fear of it. So far we taught our children how to live; now, we shall teach them how to face death with equanimity.
Strickland Gillilan tells the story of a man and his much loved daughter, who died.
In a dream the man sees a procession of children before the Throne of God. Their candles are burning bright. Only one child has a problem keeping her candle burning.
He looks hard and finds that the child is his daughter. He rushes to her to find out why she has trouble with her candle. She says that her attempts to keep the candle burning are doused by his tears. The man wakes up in a sweat. He realizes that it was only a dream, but pledges immediately not to waste his life in tears. To lift the pall of sadness that death lets fall on people, expressions like, 'the king is dead; long live the king', and,'the show must go on', were coined. They state the case in a matter-of-fact way. Steve Jobs, who had more than one close encounter with Death, conveys the same thought in a more acceptable way: "When I was seventeen, I read a quote that went something like this, 'if you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll certainly be right'. It made an impression on me, and since then
I have looked into the mirror every morning and asked myself, 'if today were the last of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do?' And when the answer has been 'no' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked".
In the context of Steve Job's reflection, we can conclude with Douglas MacArthur: "Only those are fit to live, who are not afraid to die". Philip, father of Alexander the Great, had a peculiar way of reminding himself of death. A servant at the Palace faced him every morning with the greeting: "Philip, remember that you must die". We do not have to go to such lengths to remind ourselves that death is certain. All we need to understand is the truth - death is the beginning of eternal life. Most religions teach that there is life after death. When we are convinced of the eternal life to follow the short life here, our priorities could change. Our way of life could be different.
Not many moths ago, a plane from Brazil to France crashed into the Atlantic Ocean. There were no survivors. A few weeks later, a Yemeni Airbus flight with 153 on board crashed into the Indian Ocean. Only one girl, in her teens, survived. Should she not ask herself: "Why did I survive? Is there a purpose in the rest of my life?" In truth, we all have to ask ourselves a question every morning: "Why am I alive today,
when so many who went to bed yesterday have not been given the gift of a new day? What do I have to do today that will make a difference?" The more we understand the gift of life, the less we will fear its end. The more fruitful our lives, the greater the satisfaction in living it. When it ends, after a short or long term, we can say with eternal gratitude: "I thank God for a full and happy life".
Instead of doing that, we busy ourselves chasing wealth, power, fame and possessions. We carry on this hunt at the cost of others, smug in the accumulation that we can count. But when death comes knocking, we cannot conceal a thing in our hands. We will have to go empty handed. Aware of this truth, Alexander the Great left orders that when he would be carried on his last journey, his empty hands would stick out. None of his conquests would go with him.
There is a ring of finality to the words of Saint Teresa of Avila(Spain): "Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing frighten you. Everything passes except God".
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
56) PREPARING CHILDREN FOR WORK LIFE
"Work is the keystone of a perfect life. Work and trust in God." Woodrow Wilson
R.G.Tourneau, inventor and philanthropist, was once asked, when a child should start work. He replied that a child could start at the age of three. Rejecting the view that it would be seen as child labour, danger to the child's health and the curtailing of a child's play time, he said: "If anyone does not learn to work as a child, he will never do much when he grows up". He cited his own childhood, when he learned to saw wood and shovel sand. "I do not know what it means to lose a day through sickness", he continued, defending the point that the child's health would not be harmed, through work. For good measure, he added: "I think that, almost without exception, the ones who get things done are those who learned to work as children. We need to teach our youngsters the dignity of labour and the pleasure of accomplishment. They must be made to understand that only by determined effort do we create things worthwhile. Not only does our work keep us from mischief, but the more we sweat and toil, the bigger the kick we get out of our labour".
Thomas Alva Edison, who got his early education from his mother, has a few lessons for children:
01) Always be interested in what you undertake.
02) Don't mind the clock; but keep at the task.
03) Failures, so called, are finger posts; pointing in the right direction to those who are willing to learn.
04) Hard work and a genuine interest in everything that makes for progress, will make men and women more valuable and acceptable to themselves and to the world.
The intangible benefits of work, which Edison stated, are packed into John Ruskin's pithy conclusion: "The highest reward for a man's toil is not what he gets for it,
but what he becomes by it". Better persons, we presume, is what he had in mind.
To Edison's list of points, what shall we add?
05) Children should realize that there is no perfect job. They will have to learn to like imperfect jobs, because they cannot wait for the perfect job to arrive. Coming to terms with reality, they could strive to contribute successfully to the job they take.
06) That the essence of hard work is concentration; to put heart and soul into the task.
07) That excellence is attained by hard and unceasing work, which leads to satisfaction.
08) That they should do more than they are paid for.
09) That their work life will test their relationships and character, when they are short changed, denigrated, falsely accused and passed over. The example of Zen Master Hakwin should be a lesson to them. Hakwin was honoured by his neighbours as a good and pure man. Nearby lived a pretty girl, who was found to be pregnant. Her angry parents wanted the name of the man responsible. The girl would not speak. After much pressure she confessed. She accused Hakwin. Furious, her parents stormed Hakwin's house and demanded an explanation. All he said was: "Is that so?" When the baby was born, it was taken to Hakwin's house, who took good care of the child. A year later, the girl could no longer suffer in silence; she divulged the name of the father of the child, a young man from the fish market. Ashamed, the girl's parents rushed to Hakwin's house to apologize. Even then, all he said was: "Is that so?"
Embarrassed, the girl's parents took the child home. Like Hakwin, our children could be falsely accused and let down, even by colleagues. Like Hakwin, they will have to brave the situation, without accusing others and stooping to conquer.
10) Why are live crabs left in an open basket? Certainly none will escape. Why? As one tries to get out, the others will drag it down. The pull-down mentality is common in the work place. When our children are forewarned, they will be forearmed.
11) Failing is not failure. From failing or many failings, they could learn to succeed and not wallow in self-pity.
12) In the work place there is only one dictum: WIN. Win sales, win profits, win market share. Winning is fair as long as the means are not unfair. If ethics, dignity and social norms are flouted, then winning is losing. Our children will do well not to align themselves with such compromises.
13) Ability alone is not enough. They will have to demonstrate loyalty, sincerity,
enthusiasm and co-operation, to succeed in the long term.
14) Their growth and happiness will depend on the relationships they build with those they transact with - in the company and outside of it.
15) The best way to initiate such relationships is to look at things from the other person's point of view. Step into his shoes, so to speak.
R.G.Tourneau, inventor and philanthropist, was once asked, when a child should start work. He replied that a child could start at the age of three. Rejecting the view that it would be seen as child labour, danger to the child's health and the curtailing of a child's play time, he said: "If anyone does not learn to work as a child, he will never do much when he grows up". He cited his own childhood, when he learned to saw wood and shovel sand. "I do not know what it means to lose a day through sickness", he continued, defending the point that the child's health would not be harmed, through work. For good measure, he added: "I think that, almost without exception, the ones who get things done are those who learned to work as children. We need to teach our youngsters the dignity of labour and the pleasure of accomplishment. They must be made to understand that only by determined effort do we create things worthwhile. Not only does our work keep us from mischief, but the more we sweat and toil, the bigger the kick we get out of our labour".
Thomas Alva Edison, who got his early education from his mother, has a few lessons for children:
01) Always be interested in what you undertake.
02) Don't mind the clock; but keep at the task.
03) Failures, so called, are finger posts; pointing in the right direction to those who are willing to learn.
04) Hard work and a genuine interest in everything that makes for progress, will make men and women more valuable and acceptable to themselves and to the world.
The intangible benefits of work, which Edison stated, are packed into John Ruskin's pithy conclusion: "The highest reward for a man's toil is not what he gets for it,
but what he becomes by it". Better persons, we presume, is what he had in mind.
To Edison's list of points, what shall we add?
05) Children should realize that there is no perfect job. They will have to learn to like imperfect jobs, because they cannot wait for the perfect job to arrive. Coming to terms with reality, they could strive to contribute successfully to the job they take.
06) That the essence of hard work is concentration; to put heart and soul into the task.
07) That excellence is attained by hard and unceasing work, which leads to satisfaction.
08) That they should do more than they are paid for.
09) That their work life will test their relationships and character, when they are short changed, denigrated, falsely accused and passed over. The example of Zen Master Hakwin should be a lesson to them. Hakwin was honoured by his neighbours as a good and pure man. Nearby lived a pretty girl, who was found to be pregnant. Her angry parents wanted the name of the man responsible. The girl would not speak. After much pressure she confessed. She accused Hakwin. Furious, her parents stormed Hakwin's house and demanded an explanation. All he said was: "Is that so?" When the baby was born, it was taken to Hakwin's house, who took good care of the child. A year later, the girl could no longer suffer in silence; she divulged the name of the father of the child, a young man from the fish market. Ashamed, the girl's parents rushed to Hakwin's house to apologize. Even then, all he said was: "Is that so?"
Embarrassed, the girl's parents took the child home. Like Hakwin, our children could be falsely accused and let down, even by colleagues. Like Hakwin, they will have to brave the situation, without accusing others and stooping to conquer.
10) Why are live crabs left in an open basket? Certainly none will escape. Why? As one tries to get out, the others will drag it down. The pull-down mentality is common in the work place. When our children are forewarned, they will be forearmed.
11) Failing is not failure. From failing or many failings, they could learn to succeed and not wallow in self-pity.
12) In the work place there is only one dictum: WIN. Win sales, win profits, win market share. Winning is fair as long as the means are not unfair. If ethics, dignity and social norms are flouted, then winning is losing. Our children will do well not to align themselves with such compromises.
13) Ability alone is not enough. They will have to demonstrate loyalty, sincerity,
enthusiasm and co-operation, to succeed in the long term.
14) Their growth and happiness will depend on the relationships they build with those they transact with - in the company and outside of it.
15) The best way to initiate such relationships is to look at things from the other person's point of view. Step into his shoes, so to speak.
Monday, August 31, 2009
55) Problem Situations (continued)
THE POWER OF CHOICE
Five year old Tina waited for her favoutite uncle James to arrive. Within minutes of his coming, the two ran across the street to her friendly uncle Alex, of the sweet shop. As they crossed the road, James asked Tina why she went to the same shop every time; why not try another? She flatly refused. She explained that Uncle Alex gave her more sweets; the others gave her less. She was fond of one type, in different colours,which was stocked in a glass jar. As she entered the shop, Alex greeted her and James.Tina then placed on the counter, the money James had given her. James closely watched what happened. Alex put some sweets into the pan of the weighing machine. Then he added some more sweets, and still more until the weight was balanced. As they left the shop, Tina looked up at James and said: "See, uncle Alex always gives me more. The others take away". She was referring to the way sweets were weighed. Alex put less into the pan and kept adding; the others put more into the pan, and kept taking away sweets until the weight was balanced. A simple act, perceived differently by the child. There are some lessons for us in this short story. 1) By choosing to go to Alex, and not the other shops, Tina was exercising her power of choice. 2) The child perceives Alex's action in a favourable way, and is happy in her choice. 3) James lets the child exercise her option. He does not demystify the weighing process, playing spoilsport.
Even at a young age, children like to choose. Apples instead of oranges; Pepsi more often than Milo; Tom and Jerry and not Tigger and Pooh. Should we let children make choices, or should we hand down decisions, fearing the wrong choices they will make?
Let us look at some merits in giving them the right to choose. 1) God in His Infinite
Wisdom, has given each of us the gift of free will - the power to choose. The child also has that power. If God could trust her with that power, should we not? Of course, we have the duty to shape that power, in the child. 2) Unless the child is allowed the freedom to choose, how will she learn? No doubt, she will make some mistakes, as we made in our lives. But from those mistakes, she will learn and be more careful in arriving at decisions, as long as she is gently helped to understand the process. 3) If we continue to take decisions for her, what will happen when we are gone? Like a babe in the woods, she will not know her way home. She will be lost.
We would not want that to happen to our child, would we? Therefore, gradually we should give children more and more opportunities to exercise their power of choice;
even during their troubled teens. With more exposure, they will gain confidence.
What a welcome experience it is to watch a confident child grow into a confident adult! Their capacity to decide will be tested in their personal and professional lives. Here are a few such situations.
1) HIGHER LEARNING AND CAREER
At school the choice of courses is not difficult. But at the higher learning level,
especially the professional courses, the decision making is complicated. Several factors come into play, chief of which is the child's aptitude. Some parents enamoured with certain professions, compel children to take up courses that lead to those careers - doctors, civil service, computer specialists, and so on. The child's
preference is discounted or ignored. We ought to remember that it is the child's career which is at stake, not ours. She has every right to state her preference and have it actualized. When parents object, the child is distraught and performs below expectation. This frustration tells on her carrer. Instead of being a successful
Professor, she settles for being s substandard doctor. She will find it difficult to forgive her parents who forced her into an unfulfilling career.
The problem is less severe in affluent Western Societies, where children are freer to choose. In traditional Eastern Societies, parental influence is strong and often counterproductive.
2) SEX EDUCATION
As a father of four sons, it was my duty to instruct my sons on matters of sex - God's gift of pleasure, to be experienced within the confines of married life. I failed and regret my lapse. That my sons passed the difficult phase without succumbing, is proof of God's unseen protection. I appeal to parents to seriously take the duty of instructing their children on matters of sex, to spare themselves guilt and children adverse consequences. Mothers could speak to daughters and fathers to sons. When we fail, children will use their power of choice and acquire knowledge of it from sources that will lend garish colours to the subject. With so much information available on the Net, they are only a button away from indulging their minds with lurid details. Parents who find it difficult to teach this lesson,
may seek the help of trained Counsellors.
3) CHOICE OF PARTNERS
Here again, in Eastern Societies parents play an important role in selecting partners for their children. Compatibility is lower down on their priority list. Instead, family status, wealth, social connections and other considerations figure at the top. In particular, girls suffer from the caprice of parents who view any opposition, as a challenge to their parental authority. It is the child's life; if she is not given the freedom to choose, who else should? Even when parents consent to the daughter's choice, the decision comes across as a compromise and a sacrifice. Something that should be joyous, becomes a test of wills and a bone of contention for life.
Five year old Tina waited for her favoutite uncle James to arrive. Within minutes of his coming, the two ran across the street to her friendly uncle Alex, of the sweet shop. As they crossed the road, James asked Tina why she went to the same shop every time; why not try another? She flatly refused. She explained that Uncle Alex gave her more sweets; the others gave her less. She was fond of one type, in different colours,which was stocked in a glass jar. As she entered the shop, Alex greeted her and James.Tina then placed on the counter, the money James had given her. James closely watched what happened. Alex put some sweets into the pan of the weighing machine. Then he added some more sweets, and still more until the weight was balanced. As they left the shop, Tina looked up at James and said: "See, uncle Alex always gives me more. The others take away". She was referring to the way sweets were weighed. Alex put less into the pan and kept adding; the others put more into the pan, and kept taking away sweets until the weight was balanced. A simple act, perceived differently by the child. There are some lessons for us in this short story. 1) By choosing to go to Alex, and not the other shops, Tina was exercising her power of choice. 2) The child perceives Alex's action in a favourable way, and is happy in her choice. 3) James lets the child exercise her option. He does not demystify the weighing process, playing spoilsport.
Even at a young age, children like to choose. Apples instead of oranges; Pepsi more often than Milo; Tom and Jerry and not Tigger and Pooh. Should we let children make choices, or should we hand down decisions, fearing the wrong choices they will make?
Let us look at some merits in giving them the right to choose. 1) God in His Infinite
Wisdom, has given each of us the gift of free will - the power to choose. The child also has that power. If God could trust her with that power, should we not? Of course, we have the duty to shape that power, in the child. 2) Unless the child is allowed the freedom to choose, how will she learn? No doubt, she will make some mistakes, as we made in our lives. But from those mistakes, she will learn and be more careful in arriving at decisions, as long as she is gently helped to understand the process. 3) If we continue to take decisions for her, what will happen when we are gone? Like a babe in the woods, she will not know her way home. She will be lost.
We would not want that to happen to our child, would we? Therefore, gradually we should give children more and more opportunities to exercise their power of choice;
even during their troubled teens. With more exposure, they will gain confidence.
What a welcome experience it is to watch a confident child grow into a confident adult! Their capacity to decide will be tested in their personal and professional lives. Here are a few such situations.
1) HIGHER LEARNING AND CAREER
At school the choice of courses is not difficult. But at the higher learning level,
especially the professional courses, the decision making is complicated. Several factors come into play, chief of which is the child's aptitude. Some parents enamoured with certain professions, compel children to take up courses that lead to those careers - doctors, civil service, computer specialists, and so on. The child's
preference is discounted or ignored. We ought to remember that it is the child's career which is at stake, not ours. She has every right to state her preference and have it actualized. When parents object, the child is distraught and performs below expectation. This frustration tells on her carrer. Instead of being a successful
Professor, she settles for being s substandard doctor. She will find it difficult to forgive her parents who forced her into an unfulfilling career.
The problem is less severe in affluent Western Societies, where children are freer to choose. In traditional Eastern Societies, parental influence is strong and often counterproductive.
2) SEX EDUCATION
As a father of four sons, it was my duty to instruct my sons on matters of sex - God's gift of pleasure, to be experienced within the confines of married life. I failed and regret my lapse. That my sons passed the difficult phase without succumbing, is proof of God's unseen protection. I appeal to parents to seriously take the duty of instructing their children on matters of sex, to spare themselves guilt and children adverse consequences. Mothers could speak to daughters and fathers to sons. When we fail, children will use their power of choice and acquire knowledge of it from sources that will lend garish colours to the subject. With so much information available on the Net, they are only a button away from indulging their minds with lurid details. Parents who find it difficult to teach this lesson,
may seek the help of trained Counsellors.
3) CHOICE OF PARTNERS
Here again, in Eastern Societies parents play an important role in selecting partners for their children. Compatibility is lower down on their priority list. Instead, family status, wealth, social connections and other considerations figure at the top. In particular, girls suffer from the caprice of parents who view any opposition, as a challenge to their parental authority. It is the child's life; if she is not given the freedom to choose, who else should? Even when parents consent to the daughter's choice, the decision comes across as a compromise and a sacrifice. Something that should be joyous, becomes a test of wills and a bone of contention for life.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
54) Problem Situations (continued)
MANAGING DIFFICULT KIDS
"Every easy choice today, will have its consequences tomorrow." Sister Aloysius in the movie DOUBT
A little girl bought herself a string of artificial pearls with her pocket money. She loved those pearls and wore them always. One night, her daddy asked her: "Do you love me?" "Yes", she replied. "Then give me the pearls", he pleaded. "No daddy", was her immediate reply. "No problem. Daddy loves you", he assured her, as he kissed her good night. The same sequence took place the next two nights. On the following night, with tears she handed over the pearls to her daddy, who took it, and with the other hand gave her a set of real pearls. The child leaped into the outstretched arms of her father, overjoyed.
This touching incident has a few lessons for us. First, there are times when patience, tact and unfailing love, bring about a change of heart in the child, to result in unselfish, better behaviour. Second, the child's development has to be tested from time to time. Will she trust her parents enough to surrender to their requests? Third, the child's trust has to be rewarded, even with token gifts. Often, the child does not know what good will come to her through changed behaviour, and resists. At such times parents should persist and not be put off by the child's stubborn refusal. Parents who want their children to behave well should choose the best parenting options and not the easiest. Most parents face a quandary - they are besieged with doubt. What method will succeed; what option is better? They dither and their doubt consumes them. Then they make easy choices; to avoid the unpleasant.
But the unpleasant will not go away; it will revisit them the next day. With good reason, we are reminded that there are no substitutes for Example, wise Parental Instructions and timely Discipline, to manage all kids, the difficult ones in particular.
At random, we shall take three situations and try to outline the difficult choices we have to make. None of these situations is easy to manage. Not many parents use the same methods. What is important is that options are adjusted to suit the child and the situation, mindful of the presence of siblings who watch every move.
The pre-approach is to breathe deep. When we are faced with such situations we tend to get angry because the child has misbehaved, and disappointed with our failure to correct the child earlier. Now, is not the time for anger, but mature response. Begin by consciously breathing deep. The Indian Yogis practise deep breathing with great success. The Budhists highly recommend deep breathing - attributing to it the power of healing. Medical opinion supports the view that deep breathing relaxes the mind and body. As a bonus, deep breathing is easy and free. It is so crucial to our relaxed state of mind and body, that we could make a habit of it. Deep breathing then becomes an automatic response, when we need it most. Don't stop with deep breathing; pray. Prayer never fails. As parents we imagine that we have things under control, because of our position. Even tiny tots know how foolish parents are in believing that. Children make us dance. They know it. That is why we need God's help
in confronting a situation that seems manageable, but has explosive consequences.
Have no doubt; pray. Pray and deep breathe.
1) STUBBORN AND DEMANDING CHILDREN
The first question is: How did it come to this? If we had disciplined children from the start, demanding behaviour would have no scope. Because we surrendered ground at the start, we find it difficult to recapture it. So, out of anger and frustration, we yell, threaten and beat children. In the early stages, if the child knew what would work, and what would not, today's scene would not have been enacted. Okay. There is no point in stressing on what was not done. Let us see how we can tackle it now.
a) In a calm state of mind take in the situation. Is the child tired, ill or wanting attention? What is her behaviour: crying, screaming, kicking or hitting out? In a few moments she could spend herself; give that option a chance.
b) If the child is young enough, try distracting her with some of her favourite activities.
c) Offer her a choice: red car or blue doll; Milo or milk. A choice tends to draw the child away from her one-track demands.
d) If the child is old enough, strike a deal: You do X and you get Y.
e) Gently lead the child away from the scene, especially if she is trying to impress
visitors at home. Distance from the disputed object helps.
f) Based on the child's age, explain role reversal: "You are mummy and I am you. What will you do if I behave like you are doing now?"
g) If she wants to tune on the TV, Music System and other electrical gadgets, try keeping them out of her reach.
h) When gentle persuasion fails, a smack on the bottom does not. Do not hesitate.
2) WHAT TO DO WHEN CHILDREN DAMAGE THINGS AND MESS UP?
a) Stay calm and assess the damage. What is broken cannot be fixed.
b) Get the child involved in cleaning the mess.
c) If it was an accident, better not harass the child. It could have happened to anyone.
d) If it was a wilful act, disciplinary action should follow. She should know that bad behaviour will not be condoned.
e) If she has a piggy bank into which she deposits her small savings, impose a small fine on her and withdraw money from that bank in her presence.
f) Warn her that a wilful act repeated, would attract sterner disciplining. Make no mistake, children understand such warning, when parents do not make empty threats.
3) WHAT TO DO WHEN THE CHILD STARTS LYING
a) As always, show no stress, but a sense of disappointment. Children who really love their parents hate to see them disappointed.
b) Speak to the child alone; not even in the presence of siblings. Respect her privacy and dignity.
c) Explain to her the consequences of lying. A lie is difficult to hide. If not today, the next week it will be out in the open.
d) Parental example is critical. If we lie and the child knows it, we forfeit our right to correct the child. Certainly she will not take us seriously.
e) Trust the child and extract a promise from her that she will not do it again.
f) Please do not nag the child about her lapse. If she lies again, go over the same exercise, but in a sterner tone and follow that with some form of disciplining.
(Please refer to posts 12 and 13 on disciplining)
g) Praise the child for all kinds of good behaviour. It has manifold benefits. Use it often.
NEWS: The Straits Times, Singapore, of June 29,2009, carried news of a challenging
development in England. Schools are likely to be empowered to proceed against parents for the disruptive behaviour of their children. Fines and imprisonment could follow.
"Every easy choice today, will have its consequences tomorrow." Sister Aloysius in the movie DOUBT
A little girl bought herself a string of artificial pearls with her pocket money. She loved those pearls and wore them always. One night, her daddy asked her: "Do you love me?" "Yes", she replied. "Then give me the pearls", he pleaded. "No daddy", was her immediate reply. "No problem. Daddy loves you", he assured her, as he kissed her good night. The same sequence took place the next two nights. On the following night, with tears she handed over the pearls to her daddy, who took it, and with the other hand gave her a set of real pearls. The child leaped into the outstretched arms of her father, overjoyed.
This touching incident has a few lessons for us. First, there are times when patience, tact and unfailing love, bring about a change of heart in the child, to result in unselfish, better behaviour. Second, the child's development has to be tested from time to time. Will she trust her parents enough to surrender to their requests? Third, the child's trust has to be rewarded, even with token gifts. Often, the child does not know what good will come to her through changed behaviour, and resists. At such times parents should persist and not be put off by the child's stubborn refusal. Parents who want their children to behave well should choose the best parenting options and not the easiest. Most parents face a quandary - they are besieged with doubt. What method will succeed; what option is better? They dither and their doubt consumes them. Then they make easy choices; to avoid the unpleasant.
But the unpleasant will not go away; it will revisit them the next day. With good reason, we are reminded that there are no substitutes for Example, wise Parental Instructions and timely Discipline, to manage all kids, the difficult ones in particular.
At random, we shall take three situations and try to outline the difficult choices we have to make. None of these situations is easy to manage. Not many parents use the same methods. What is important is that options are adjusted to suit the child and the situation, mindful of the presence of siblings who watch every move.
The pre-approach is to breathe deep. When we are faced with such situations we tend to get angry because the child has misbehaved, and disappointed with our failure to correct the child earlier. Now, is not the time for anger, but mature response. Begin by consciously breathing deep. The Indian Yogis practise deep breathing with great success. The Budhists highly recommend deep breathing - attributing to it the power of healing. Medical opinion supports the view that deep breathing relaxes the mind and body. As a bonus, deep breathing is easy and free. It is so crucial to our relaxed state of mind and body, that we could make a habit of it. Deep breathing then becomes an automatic response, when we need it most. Don't stop with deep breathing; pray. Prayer never fails. As parents we imagine that we have things under control, because of our position. Even tiny tots know how foolish parents are in believing that. Children make us dance. They know it. That is why we need God's help
in confronting a situation that seems manageable, but has explosive consequences.
Have no doubt; pray. Pray and deep breathe.
1) STUBBORN AND DEMANDING CHILDREN
The first question is: How did it come to this? If we had disciplined children from the start, demanding behaviour would have no scope. Because we surrendered ground at the start, we find it difficult to recapture it. So, out of anger and frustration, we yell, threaten and beat children. In the early stages, if the child knew what would work, and what would not, today's scene would not have been enacted. Okay. There is no point in stressing on what was not done. Let us see how we can tackle it now.
a) In a calm state of mind take in the situation. Is the child tired, ill or wanting attention? What is her behaviour: crying, screaming, kicking or hitting out? In a few moments she could spend herself; give that option a chance.
b) If the child is young enough, try distracting her with some of her favourite activities.
c) Offer her a choice: red car or blue doll; Milo or milk. A choice tends to draw the child away from her one-track demands.
d) If the child is old enough, strike a deal: You do X and you get Y.
e) Gently lead the child away from the scene, especially if she is trying to impress
visitors at home. Distance from the disputed object helps.
f) Based on the child's age, explain role reversal: "You are mummy and I am you. What will you do if I behave like you are doing now?"
g) If she wants to tune on the TV, Music System and other electrical gadgets, try keeping them out of her reach.
h) When gentle persuasion fails, a smack on the bottom does not. Do not hesitate.
2) WHAT TO DO WHEN CHILDREN DAMAGE THINGS AND MESS UP?
a) Stay calm and assess the damage. What is broken cannot be fixed.
b) Get the child involved in cleaning the mess.
c) If it was an accident, better not harass the child. It could have happened to anyone.
d) If it was a wilful act, disciplinary action should follow. She should know that bad behaviour will not be condoned.
e) If she has a piggy bank into which she deposits her small savings, impose a small fine on her and withdraw money from that bank in her presence.
f) Warn her that a wilful act repeated, would attract sterner disciplining. Make no mistake, children understand such warning, when parents do not make empty threats.
3) WHAT TO DO WHEN THE CHILD STARTS LYING
a) As always, show no stress, but a sense of disappointment. Children who really love their parents hate to see them disappointed.
b) Speak to the child alone; not even in the presence of siblings. Respect her privacy and dignity.
c) Explain to her the consequences of lying. A lie is difficult to hide. If not today, the next week it will be out in the open.
d) Parental example is critical. If we lie and the child knows it, we forfeit our right to correct the child. Certainly she will not take us seriously.
e) Trust the child and extract a promise from her that she will not do it again.
f) Please do not nag the child about her lapse. If she lies again, go over the same exercise, but in a sterner tone and follow that with some form of disciplining.
(Please refer to posts 12 and 13 on disciplining)
g) Praise the child for all kinds of good behaviour. It has manifold benefits. Use it often.
NEWS: The Straits Times, Singapore, of June 29,2009, carried news of a challenging
development in England. Schools are likely to be empowered to proceed against parents for the disruptive behaviour of their children. Fines and imprisonment could follow.
Monday, August 24, 2009
53) Problem Situations (continued)
In ten posts(16 to 25), we covered some problem situations that parents face. We took a break to touch on other topics. Now, we shall revert to five more situations, as promised in post 26.
BED WETTING
Parents with children who bed wet are a flustered lot, not knowing how to rid their children of the vexing problem. The more they panic, the more the child is distressed, and the more serious the problem becomes. So, lesson number one is NOT TO PANIC, although it must be acknowledged that the problem cannot be wished away.
Here are some facts on bed wetting:
01) It is more common among boys than girls, in the approximate ratio of 3:1.
02) It is estimated that about 20% of children in the 5 and above age group, bed wet.
Usually, the problem could start when the child is about 5, though cases are know when children are embarrassed at a younger age.
03) It is not because of poor toilet training.
04) It happens mostly because the child has not achieved bladder control.
05) It is not a disease.
06) The reasons why it happens in some children and not others, is not clearly established. Only assumptions are made.
07) In such children, the level of Antidiurectic Hormone(ADH), which suppresses urine formation at night, could be low.
08) Deep sleepers find it difficult to wake and empty their bladders.
09) Stress at school, among siblings and in the home, could worsen the problem.
10) Even after the problem is solved, there can be a relapse triggered by death in the family, divorce of the parents, arrival of a new sibling and child abuse.
Children with a bed wetting problem develope low self esteem because of being teased by siblings and peers. It is traumatic for them to be excluded from school camps and over night picnics with classmates. Worried parents scold these children, mistaking their behaviour for defiance or an attention-getting gimmick. Scolding and threatening do not help. Impatient and impulsive parental response distress children,
at a time they most need understanding and support. Parents should know that children will not stoop to lower their own self image, just to frustrate them. Confident of their own children, supportive parents try some of the precautions listed below:
01) Provide a night lamp in the child's bedroom so that he does not have to go the toilet in the dark. To some children darkness is terrifying.
02) Cover his mattress with a plastic sheet, to prevent soiling it.
03) Check if the child is stressed in any way and gently reassure him that his anxiety can be addressed.
04) Work on a reward system for the nights he does not bed wet.
05) Persuade him to delay urinating during the day, so that he gains better bladder control.
06) Limit his liquid intake before bed time.
07) Despite these steps, when he wets his bed and his night clothes, get him involved in the cleaning. He should wash himself and deposit the soiled clothes and sheets in a bucket with water, to soak the soiled items. In the morning, he should join his mother in rinsing the clothes.
08) Huang Huifen, in an informative article on bed wetting in the Straits Times, of July 02, 2009, recommends the use of an Enuresis Alarm. The alarm is set, say for 3AM, when the little fellow responds to the buzz and goes to the toilet. The gadget has a sensor which is attached to the child's undergarments. When the senor detects moisture in the underwear, the alarm goes off, waking the child before he bed wets.
BED WETTING
Parents with children who bed wet are a flustered lot, not knowing how to rid their children of the vexing problem. The more they panic, the more the child is distressed, and the more serious the problem becomes. So, lesson number one is NOT TO PANIC, although it must be acknowledged that the problem cannot be wished away.
Here are some facts on bed wetting:
01) It is more common among boys than girls, in the approximate ratio of 3:1.
02) It is estimated that about 20% of children in the 5 and above age group, bed wet.
Usually, the problem could start when the child is about 5, though cases are know when children are embarrassed at a younger age.
03) It is not because of poor toilet training.
04) It happens mostly because the child has not achieved bladder control.
05) It is not a disease.
06) The reasons why it happens in some children and not others, is not clearly established. Only assumptions are made.
07) In such children, the level of Antidiurectic Hormone(ADH), which suppresses urine formation at night, could be low.
08) Deep sleepers find it difficult to wake and empty their bladders.
09) Stress at school, among siblings and in the home, could worsen the problem.
10) Even after the problem is solved, there can be a relapse triggered by death in the family, divorce of the parents, arrival of a new sibling and child abuse.
Children with a bed wetting problem develope low self esteem because of being teased by siblings and peers. It is traumatic for them to be excluded from school camps and over night picnics with classmates. Worried parents scold these children, mistaking their behaviour for defiance or an attention-getting gimmick. Scolding and threatening do not help. Impatient and impulsive parental response distress children,
at a time they most need understanding and support. Parents should know that children will not stoop to lower their own self image, just to frustrate them. Confident of their own children, supportive parents try some of the precautions listed below:
01) Provide a night lamp in the child's bedroom so that he does not have to go the toilet in the dark. To some children darkness is terrifying.
02) Cover his mattress with a plastic sheet, to prevent soiling it.
03) Check if the child is stressed in any way and gently reassure him that his anxiety can be addressed.
04) Work on a reward system for the nights he does not bed wet.
05) Persuade him to delay urinating during the day, so that he gains better bladder control.
06) Limit his liquid intake before bed time.
07) Despite these steps, when he wets his bed and his night clothes, get him involved in the cleaning. He should wash himself and deposit the soiled clothes and sheets in a bucket with water, to soak the soiled items. In the morning, he should join his mother in rinsing the clothes.
08) Huang Huifen, in an informative article on bed wetting in the Straits Times, of July 02, 2009, recommends the use of an Enuresis Alarm. The alarm is set, say for 3AM, when the little fellow responds to the buzz and goes to the toilet. The gadget has a sensor which is attached to the child's undergarments. When the senor detects moisture in the underwear, the alarm goes off, waking the child before he bed wets.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
52) Old Parents
"Honour thy father and thy mother, in order that thy days may be prolonged upon the land which the Lord, thy God, giveth thee." Hebrew version of the fourth commandment.
Since we know the other commandments, we cannot but notice that only the fourth carries a promise. The others just state the commandment. Would that be persuasion enough for children to treat parents with love and respect? Would our children learn from our example and care for us, when we become old and feeble?
Going by reports in the Newspapers, children have not got the message. The Straits Times, Singapore, on June 29,2009, carried a shocking article titled: 'When children hit their parents'. Some of the cases reported were: A son, angry over his father's
refusal to give him money for some of his bad habits, smashed a flower pot on his father's head. Seeing his father bleed, he smashed another flower pot on his head. The 67 year old man needed 7 stitches to close the wounds. On another occasion, the same boy slashed his father with a knife. The Paper reported other cases of children throwing furniture at their old parents and whacking them on their heads with metal hammers. On another date, the same Paper reported a daughter's threat to the care-givers in an old age home, where her old mother was lodged: "I will throw my mother out on the streets, if you discharge her". Perhaps the worst case was reported on another date: In Hyderabad(India), a rich family dispatched their 75 year old mother, suffering from Cancer, but still alive, to the crematorium. Fortunately, the staff at the crematorium noticed the body stir and took action.
Why do grown children, who have their own growing children, turn bitter, hostile and merciless in relating with old parents? Why do they forget the years when parents did not avoid broken glass? Instead, with bleeding feet, they made more sacrifices.
(Barefoot, a frail mother carried her ailing 10 year old son on her back over a five
mile trek across hill and valley to a Medical Centre, and carried him back, to reach home before sunset. Ten years down the line, as a strong young man would he carry his
sick feeble mother? One wonders.) Don't they realize that in time, Wrinkled Age with her gnarled fingers will touch them? And that a time would come when they would be physically and perhaps financially dependent on their children? Then, could they expect kindness from children who saw their grandparents mistreated?
Some children exploit old parents because they are feeble and defenseless, taking away even the little money they have, like a son in China, who depriving his mother of 2,70,000 yuan, dumped her. Retribution caught up with him when he was jailed for 18 months for his heinous crime. Other children derive sadistic pleasure in reducing
parents to their second childhood, before they turn senile, denying them the right to
make decisions for themselves. By doing that, children take away the residual dignity
and self-respect, parents once had. A few children are amused at the foibles of old parents and make jokes at their expense. They try to outsmart parents, scoring points
through one-upmanship. Children fail to understand that parents pass through different stages in their long parenting journey - from rigid stances and harsh measures in their youth, to being understanding, compassionate and mellow, with increasing age. Children form impressions and will not change those, even though parents have changed in many ways, through reflection and reform. Parents are put to tasks they loathe and feel unwanted - "a withered branch and a useless trunk, fit only to be cast away". In short, many old parents receive a raw deal from their grown
children, when the cold steel of unkindness is plunged into their hearts. And they bleed in silence.
Of course, there is the flip side of coping with demanding old parents, who are critical, petty and irritable. There is also the real threat that they will not let go of their children. Like the monkeys in the Amazon who put their limbs into narrow-necked bottles, with peanuts in them, and not let go of the nuts, only to be trapped,
so do possessive parents refuse to give up control of their children, only to their detriment. Because of the usurped parental attachment, children and their spouses confront serious problems. When parents accept girls and boys coming into the family through marriage, as daughters and sons, ridding the family of the in-law thinking and expression, much better relationships are fostered, because those entering the family will not feel estranged. But most find the idea distasteful and tension in the family continues. Even such parents who deserve love the least, need it the most. In dealing with them, difficult truth should be wrapped in love. Blessed are the children who understand and live this love.
The Quran exhorts Muslims to respect and honour their parents; so does the Ramayana,
urge Hindus. Rama's words should be etched in the hearts of children: "I would yield
my life and future ere I wound my father's heart". Children have much to learn from these Holy Books, as they have to learn from Jesus' example, in being caring and obedient to his mother right through his short life on earth.
What do old parents expect of their grown children? Not expensive gifts, exotic food, luxuries or big sums of money to spend; but caring, expressed through empathy and protection; not ascribing motives to what they say and do; and acknowledging the treasure of experience they have gathered. If only children listened with their hearts and lifted old parents out of their sadness, on wings of love!
A small segment of children do exactly that - caring for parents with deep respect and love. The gratitude of some of these children is worth recording. Thiery Henry,
French Football Striker, says: "I am who I am, thanks to my father. I saw very hard times in my childhood, but fortunately I had parents that were straight. Almost all
of my friends of that time are now in prison". Jason Araghi, son of Iranian parents
who escaped to the USA during the Revolution, and Founder of Araghi Green Bean Coffee WorldCafe company, when asked who his heroes were, answered: "My parents. Their story is about being good role models". A special tribute should be paid to
Tan Chin Hock,a young Singapore Executive, who quit his regular, well-paid job, to take up 'love your parents' crusade. "People are so caught up earning money and getting their dream cars, that they miss out on time with their parents. Parents matter when they are alive and not when only memories are left". Will we and our children learn from him?
Since we know the other commandments, we cannot but notice that only the fourth carries a promise. The others just state the commandment. Would that be persuasion enough for children to treat parents with love and respect? Would our children learn from our example and care for us, when we become old and feeble?
Going by reports in the Newspapers, children have not got the message. The Straits Times, Singapore, on June 29,2009, carried a shocking article titled: 'When children hit their parents'. Some of the cases reported were: A son, angry over his father's
refusal to give him money for some of his bad habits, smashed a flower pot on his father's head. Seeing his father bleed, he smashed another flower pot on his head. The 67 year old man needed 7 stitches to close the wounds. On another occasion, the same boy slashed his father with a knife. The Paper reported other cases of children throwing furniture at their old parents and whacking them on their heads with metal hammers. On another date, the same Paper reported a daughter's threat to the care-givers in an old age home, where her old mother was lodged: "I will throw my mother out on the streets, if you discharge her". Perhaps the worst case was reported on another date: In Hyderabad(India), a rich family dispatched their 75 year old mother, suffering from Cancer, but still alive, to the crematorium. Fortunately, the staff at the crematorium noticed the body stir and took action.
Why do grown children, who have their own growing children, turn bitter, hostile and merciless in relating with old parents? Why do they forget the years when parents did not avoid broken glass? Instead, with bleeding feet, they made more sacrifices.
(Barefoot, a frail mother carried her ailing 10 year old son on her back over a five
mile trek across hill and valley to a Medical Centre, and carried him back, to reach home before sunset. Ten years down the line, as a strong young man would he carry his
sick feeble mother? One wonders.) Don't they realize that in time, Wrinkled Age with her gnarled fingers will touch them? And that a time would come when they would be physically and perhaps financially dependent on their children? Then, could they expect kindness from children who saw their grandparents mistreated?
Some children exploit old parents because they are feeble and defenseless, taking away even the little money they have, like a son in China, who depriving his mother of 2,70,000 yuan, dumped her. Retribution caught up with him when he was jailed for 18 months for his heinous crime. Other children derive sadistic pleasure in reducing
parents to their second childhood, before they turn senile, denying them the right to
make decisions for themselves. By doing that, children take away the residual dignity
and self-respect, parents once had. A few children are amused at the foibles of old parents and make jokes at their expense. They try to outsmart parents, scoring points
through one-upmanship. Children fail to understand that parents pass through different stages in their long parenting journey - from rigid stances and harsh measures in their youth, to being understanding, compassionate and mellow, with increasing age. Children form impressions and will not change those, even though parents have changed in many ways, through reflection and reform. Parents are put to tasks they loathe and feel unwanted - "a withered branch and a useless trunk, fit only to be cast away". In short, many old parents receive a raw deal from their grown
children, when the cold steel of unkindness is plunged into their hearts. And they bleed in silence.
Of course, there is the flip side of coping with demanding old parents, who are critical, petty and irritable. There is also the real threat that they will not let go of their children. Like the monkeys in the Amazon who put their limbs into narrow-necked bottles, with peanuts in them, and not let go of the nuts, only to be trapped,
so do possessive parents refuse to give up control of their children, only to their detriment. Because of the usurped parental attachment, children and their spouses confront serious problems. When parents accept girls and boys coming into the family through marriage, as daughters and sons, ridding the family of the in-law thinking and expression, much better relationships are fostered, because those entering the family will not feel estranged. But most find the idea distasteful and tension in the family continues. Even such parents who deserve love the least, need it the most. In dealing with them, difficult truth should be wrapped in love. Blessed are the children who understand and live this love.
The Quran exhorts Muslims to respect and honour their parents; so does the Ramayana,
urge Hindus. Rama's words should be etched in the hearts of children: "I would yield
my life and future ere I wound my father's heart". Children have much to learn from these Holy Books, as they have to learn from Jesus' example, in being caring and obedient to his mother right through his short life on earth.
What do old parents expect of their grown children? Not expensive gifts, exotic food, luxuries or big sums of money to spend; but caring, expressed through empathy and protection; not ascribing motives to what they say and do; and acknowledging the treasure of experience they have gathered. If only children listened with their hearts and lifted old parents out of their sadness, on wings of love!
A small segment of children do exactly that - caring for parents with deep respect and love. The gratitude of some of these children is worth recording. Thiery Henry,
French Football Striker, says: "I am who I am, thanks to my father. I saw very hard times in my childhood, but fortunately I had parents that were straight. Almost all
of my friends of that time are now in prison". Jason Araghi, son of Iranian parents
who escaped to the USA during the Revolution, and Founder of Araghi Green Bean Coffee WorldCafe company, when asked who his heroes were, answered: "My parents. Their story is about being good role models". A special tribute should be paid to
Tan Chin Hock,a young Singapore Executive, who quit his regular, well-paid job, to take up 'love your parents' crusade. "People are so caught up earning money and getting their dream cars, that they miss out on time with their parents. Parents matter when they are alive and not when only memories are left". Will we and our children learn from him?
Monday, August 17, 2009
51) Managing Money
"Use money with clarity, focus, ease and grace." Maria Nemeth
I grew up in Quilon, a small town in Kerala, South India. Nothing much happened there. If someone bought a new car, one week's gossip was ensured. One morning the town awoke to a buzz. An old woman, who lived in a small hut, was found dead. She was a familiar figure in town, always smiling and petitioning compassionate people for alms. She was never seen without a scarf covering her head, tied tight at her chin. We imagined that she was trying to conceal her thinning hair. As her neighbours prepared her body for the funeral, they untied the scarf. Surprise! Out fell high denomination currency. The money, enough to have given her a comfortable life in 1953, was donated to charity. With so much money on her person(obviously, she did not trust banks), why did she have to beg? Was it plain greed, money-craze or an obsession with crisp bills? I do not know. What I do know is that the happening is not erased from my memory.
Saint Paul was right when he wrote: "For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil" 1 Timothy 6:10. It is not money, but the excessive love of it that leads to evil. The old woman,apparently out of love for money, duped people into helping her,
time and again, when she needed no alms at all. The duplicity of Ramalinga Raju of Satyam Computers, is a case in point. For years he cooked his books to reflect higher profits and assets, to gain from higher share prices. Today in prison he has the time to reflect on his actions. Will he be a chastened man when he finishes his prison term?
As parents we have to teach our children to manage money prudently. To earn it honestly and spend it wisely. Even when in school, they could be initiated into saving habits - collecting incentives and bonuses given to them for good performances. From the pocket money given to them, small sums could be put away. (Some tactful supervision, without interference, is necessary over how children spend their pocket money.) From their small savings, encourage them to give their mite to worthy causes. It is absolutely exhilarating to witness children make
sacrifices. When they come of age, we could induct them into concepts of Profit and Loss, Credit and Financial Investments, to get them ready for financial decisions they will have to make when they start their careers. Saving for retirement does not start at 40, but at 22/23. Starting early not only strengthens the saving habit, but also leaves them with a larger sum of money, when the saving scheme matures.
I remember a story on thrift told to me, when I was in school. The Bishop of Quilon
had some projects to complete(schools, orphanages,hospitals), for which he needed funds. A well-wisher referred him to a Philanthropist in the USA. The Bishop arrived a few minutes before the scheduled appointment with his benefactor. As he sat in the parlour, he heard the man descend the stairway. He stopped abruptly and scolded his house keeper for wasting a second match to light a candle. The Bishop was puzzled.
How could a man who owned a chain of factories making match boxes, be harsh with his house keeper for lighting a second match? At a cordial meeting that followed, the rich man gave the Bishop a hefty donation. The Bishop could not leave without a clarification: would he please explain his behaviour with the house keeper? Amused,
but willing to explain, he said that he started life as a small trader. Because he was careful with the cents he ended up with dollars from which he could donate to good causes. The Bishop left the rich man's house a wiser man.
While making money, for good purposes, is laudable, children should not be carried away with the large sums they accumulate. Stuart Goldsmith, author of Seven Secrets
of Millionaires, has a strong point to make: "If you ever made any real money, you will be so caught up in your resounding success, that you will find it very difficult
to quit. Knowing when is enough is the most difficult challenge you will ever face".
Wealth is like sea water; the more one drinks, the more thirsty one becomes.
As parents we are always anxious to give our children what we did not have, what we missed out, so much so, we neglect to give them what we have - a sense of balance.
Perhaps Daniel Webster's words will support us in this task: "If you want to feel rich, just count up all the things you have that money cannot buy". When they reflect on Webster's words, they should find the resolve to strike a balance between what money can do and cannot.
While on the subject of managing money, I am tempted to touch on a popular belief:
the lucky ones make money, the unlucky ones stay poor. Let an illustration dispel the myth. A farmer in ancient China owned a horse which he used for ploughing the field and transporting the produce. The villagers referred to him as the lucky one, because only he in the village owned a horse. One day the horse escaped into the hills. Now the villagers called him the unlucky one, because the horse was lost. A few days later the horse returned with a herd of wild horses. With so many horses in his stable, what else could be but the very lucky one. The next day the farmer's son tried mounting one of the wild horses. He was thrown off; falling down he broke his leg. This time the villagers agreed that the farmer was a very unlucky man. The next week officers from the King's army visited the village to conscript young men for the army. Only the farmer's son was excluded because of his broken leg. Now the villagers were certain that the farmer was a hugely lucky man, because his son had escaped conscription. Each time the villagers praised his luck or sympathized with him for his bad luck, the farmer had the same answer: "Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?" The farmer was right: 'who knows?' Only those who win a lottery are lucky in making money the easy way. Others have to work for it. Even those who find treasure in their back yards have to dig for it. That is why someone alluded to luck as the residue of hard work. For our part, we should protect our children from ill-fated ideas, lest they be felled by their spell.
All said and done, money is not bad; it can support worthy causes. The important thing, is the purpose to which money is put. On this, Dan Sullivan and Catherine Noruma have a point to make: "Always make your purpose greater than your money". When the purpose is beyond reproach, then the money is managed with 'focus, ease and grace'.
I grew up in Quilon, a small town in Kerala, South India. Nothing much happened there. If someone bought a new car, one week's gossip was ensured. One morning the town awoke to a buzz. An old woman, who lived in a small hut, was found dead. She was a familiar figure in town, always smiling and petitioning compassionate people for alms. She was never seen without a scarf covering her head, tied tight at her chin. We imagined that she was trying to conceal her thinning hair. As her neighbours prepared her body for the funeral, they untied the scarf. Surprise! Out fell high denomination currency. The money, enough to have given her a comfortable life in 1953, was donated to charity. With so much money on her person(obviously, she did not trust banks), why did she have to beg? Was it plain greed, money-craze or an obsession with crisp bills? I do not know. What I do know is that the happening is not erased from my memory.
Saint Paul was right when he wrote: "For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil" 1 Timothy 6:10. It is not money, but the excessive love of it that leads to evil. The old woman,apparently out of love for money, duped people into helping her,
time and again, when she needed no alms at all. The duplicity of Ramalinga Raju of Satyam Computers, is a case in point. For years he cooked his books to reflect higher profits and assets, to gain from higher share prices. Today in prison he has the time to reflect on his actions. Will he be a chastened man when he finishes his prison term?
As parents we have to teach our children to manage money prudently. To earn it honestly and spend it wisely. Even when in school, they could be initiated into saving habits - collecting incentives and bonuses given to them for good performances. From the pocket money given to them, small sums could be put away. (Some tactful supervision, without interference, is necessary over how children spend their pocket money.) From their small savings, encourage them to give their mite to worthy causes. It is absolutely exhilarating to witness children make
sacrifices. When they come of age, we could induct them into concepts of Profit and Loss, Credit and Financial Investments, to get them ready for financial decisions they will have to make when they start their careers. Saving for retirement does not start at 40, but at 22/23. Starting early not only strengthens the saving habit, but also leaves them with a larger sum of money, when the saving scheme matures.
I remember a story on thrift told to me, when I was in school. The Bishop of Quilon
had some projects to complete(schools, orphanages,hospitals), for which he needed funds. A well-wisher referred him to a Philanthropist in the USA. The Bishop arrived a few minutes before the scheduled appointment with his benefactor. As he sat in the parlour, he heard the man descend the stairway. He stopped abruptly and scolded his house keeper for wasting a second match to light a candle. The Bishop was puzzled.
How could a man who owned a chain of factories making match boxes, be harsh with his house keeper for lighting a second match? At a cordial meeting that followed, the rich man gave the Bishop a hefty donation. The Bishop could not leave without a clarification: would he please explain his behaviour with the house keeper? Amused,
but willing to explain, he said that he started life as a small trader. Because he was careful with the cents he ended up with dollars from which he could donate to good causes. The Bishop left the rich man's house a wiser man.
While making money, for good purposes, is laudable, children should not be carried away with the large sums they accumulate. Stuart Goldsmith, author of Seven Secrets
of Millionaires, has a strong point to make: "If you ever made any real money, you will be so caught up in your resounding success, that you will find it very difficult
to quit. Knowing when is enough is the most difficult challenge you will ever face".
Wealth is like sea water; the more one drinks, the more thirsty one becomes.
As parents we are always anxious to give our children what we did not have, what we missed out, so much so, we neglect to give them what we have - a sense of balance.
Perhaps Daniel Webster's words will support us in this task: "If you want to feel rich, just count up all the things you have that money cannot buy". When they reflect on Webster's words, they should find the resolve to strike a balance between what money can do and cannot.
While on the subject of managing money, I am tempted to touch on a popular belief:
the lucky ones make money, the unlucky ones stay poor. Let an illustration dispel the myth. A farmer in ancient China owned a horse which he used for ploughing the field and transporting the produce. The villagers referred to him as the lucky one, because only he in the village owned a horse. One day the horse escaped into the hills. Now the villagers called him the unlucky one, because the horse was lost. A few days later the horse returned with a herd of wild horses. With so many horses in his stable, what else could be but the very lucky one. The next day the farmer's son tried mounting one of the wild horses. He was thrown off; falling down he broke his leg. This time the villagers agreed that the farmer was a very unlucky man. The next week officers from the King's army visited the village to conscript young men for the army. Only the farmer's son was excluded because of his broken leg. Now the villagers were certain that the farmer was a hugely lucky man, because his son had escaped conscription. Each time the villagers praised his luck or sympathized with him for his bad luck, the farmer had the same answer: "Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?" The farmer was right: 'who knows?' Only those who win a lottery are lucky in making money the easy way. Others have to work for it. Even those who find treasure in their back yards have to dig for it. That is why someone alluded to luck as the residue of hard work. For our part, we should protect our children from ill-fated ideas, lest they be felled by their spell.
All said and done, money is not bad; it can support worthy causes. The important thing, is the purpose to which money is put. On this, Dan Sullivan and Catherine Noruma have a point to make: "Always make your purpose greater than your money". When the purpose is beyond reproach, then the money is managed with 'focus, ease and grace'.
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