107) Learn Lessons - Not imposing ourselves on others.

"Never impose on others, what you would not choose for yourself." Confucius (551-479 BC)

A pro-life woman was picketed by pro-choice protesters. The day was cold, so she bought doughnuts and coffee and herself handed out the nourishment to the protesters. They were silenced. She told them that her choice was different from theirs but she respected them as people.

What an edifying example! What do we normally do when people disagree with us and choose to vehemently oppose us? We take it as a personal affront; we fight back; bad mouth them; and hold grudges, when we do not succeed in getting them to accept our way of thinking. Here is a fine woman who shows us a different way of dealing with the same situation. When we learn to disagree agreeably, not only do we keep our peace, but also we become spheres of influence to others, mainly our children. When they see us unruffled in challenging situations, they too will learn to face them with composure. Their young lives will be edifying.

106) Learn Lessons - Value relationships

"Relationships are what life is all about." Rick Warren

In his book, My Confessions, Russian Novelist Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910), admits to his blunder of chasing fame through his writing, which robbed him of the wealth of relationships. He chose the embrace of fame and popularity to the warmth of close relationships.

Tolstoy is not alone in his lamentation. Many of us do, but lack the courage to face the problem head-on and solve it. Instead, we remain slaves to our passions - lust for pleasure, craving for power, insatiable hunger for money and unquenchable thirst for fame. We chase these phantoms at the risk of our relationships - with spouse, children, parents, siblings, colleagues, friends and even strangers, who are friends we have not met. We draw boundaries and keep people at a distance, seldom letting them enter the inner circle of our lives. We will not spare a thought or time for others, obsessed with our personal agenda.

It is time we revisited our relationships. It is time we embraced those eager to encircle us with their arms and give us a place in their hearts. There is no better time to do it than at the start of a New Year.

Seeing us change our priorities and give our relationships the place they merit, our children will learn to value people and not things. They will discover the meaning of love.

105) Learn lessons - thank God for blessings

"What you are is God's gift to you; what you do with yourself is your gift to God." Danish Proverb.

A cynic, sitting under a huge nut-bearing tree holds a monologue with God. Such a huge tree has such small nuts and a slender creeper bears a huge water melon. "Is that not disproportionate", he asks God? Just as he concludes his question, a nut from the tree falls on his head. In relief, the cynic exclaims: "Thank God that was not a water melon!"

As the year draws to a close, it is time we reflected on the numerous blessings we received from God. Apparently, some life-situations seemed insurmountable. In retrospect, they were blessings cast in the shape of opportunities. Our meditation could take us one step ahead: now that we are on the threshold of a new year, what can we do for God with the blessings He has given us? Could we become more productive? Could we reach out to others gladly? Could we use the many talents we have with purpose? The questions could go on and on, but the point is the same: Can we thank God through acts of love? Once we are convinced that we can bring more direction into our lives in the New year, we could inspire our children to use their young lives effectively.

Let me wish visitors to this blog a blessed and peace-filled Christmas and an eventful 2012. Have a great year! God bless.

104) Learn Lessons - match aspirations with capability

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." Theodore Roosevelt

A man was seen fishing. Every time he caught a big fish, he threw it back in the water. Each time he caught a small fish, he kept it. A puzzled onlooker asked him why he did what he was doing. The man blinked and replied: "I have only an eight inch frying pan. The big fish will not fit." It did not occur to him that he could cut the big fish to size. That is not the point. The lesson for us is that we match our aspirations with our capabilities. The fish to fit the pan.

Not every dancer can dance like Michael Jackson. Not every sprinter can match Usain Bolt. Not every boxer can do an Ali. Not every singer can sing like Jim Reeves or Connie Francis. Not every poet can be another John Milton. Each can operate within limits; within the capability he or she has. It is important to realize this. Often we chase wild dreams, hoping to conquer heights we cannot climb. We envy those who excel at what we cannot. We live dissipated lives, because we will not come to terms with our limited skills. We could aim at the stars to hit at least the tree tops. That is fine, as long as we are realistic. When we learn to match our ambitions with our ability, our children will learn from us and not spend wasted days dreaming of things they cannot do. If my son is a straggler in class, no amount of my persuasion will push him to the top. He could improve his performance, but not above his capability. He should not become a depressed young fellow, because I keep goading him to achieve something that is clearly out of limits for him. It is better to heed the advice of Theodore Roosevelt and be content - not letting up on efforts, but moderating aspirations.

103) Learn Lessons - small is big

"They also serve who only stand and wait." John Milton

A water bearer carried two pots on a cane across his neck as he fetched water for his master's household. One pot was slightly cracked and leaked water; the other was without flaw. As he carried water each time, water leaked from the cracked pot. This happened day after day, until the cracked pot lamented: "I leak water. Your hard work is not rewarded. Can you not fix the leak?" The pot bearer patiently explained: "No matter how broken we are, we serve a purpose." "What purpose do I serve," the pot asked? The pot bearer questioned with understanding:"I wonder if you have noticed the bed of flowers on the route we take to the stream?" "Not really," the pot answered. "The water that leaks from you, waters that bed of flowers. Fresh flowers bloom which I collect for my master's table. So, you help the flowers and the flowers help us. You and your leak serve a purpose."
(I owe this story to my grandson, Augustus, who narrated it with gusto.)

This is where small is big - small acts have a big impact. Without our knowing, we are engaged in small acts of kindness which impact the lives of others, very often, in a big way. We treat them as trifles, but kindness is no trifling matter.Perhaps a warm welcome to someone who is sad, can cheer that person. Perhaps a little relief to someone who is overburdened, can bring a smile to replace a frown. A word of encouragement, can put a spring into the step of one who is lagging behind. Small acts add up like flowers that go to make a bouquet. John Milton's words at the top of this post offer the same thought - he was blind but hoped that his poetry would help readers in a small way; actually they helped people in a big way. When our children see us perform little acts of kindness and small deeds of mercy, they too will want to follow our example and reach out to children around them. Before long they will have a halo over their heads.

102) Learning lessons - Smile

"You can give the poor even your life, but if you don't give it with a smile, you give them nothing." Mother Teresa.

(The story that appears below was sent to me by an acquaintance. I thank her.)

I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree. The last class I had to take was Sociology. The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with. Her last project of the term was called "Smile."

The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reaction. I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say, hello anyway ... so, I thought, this would be a piece of cake, literally. Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to a hotel, one crisp March morning. It was just our way of sharing special play time with our son. We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did. I did not move an inch ... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved. As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body smell" and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men. As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling". His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance. He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching. The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally deficient and the blue eyed gentle man was his salvation. I held my tears ... as I stood there with them. The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted. He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford. To sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something, and they just wanted to be warm.

Then I really felt it ... the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes. That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me ... judging my every action. I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray. I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue eyed gentleman's cold hand. He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you." I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this for you ... God is here working through me to give you hope." I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son.

When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me honey ... to give me hope." We held hands for a moment. That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love. I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand. I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it ... then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?" I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.

A smile costs us nothing,but it lights up someone's life.When we smile we spread good cheer and hope. We open the door to happiness - both for ourselves and others. And when we give with a smile the giving is treasured. Once we make a habit of giving with a smile, it will rub off on our children to bring them a share of happiness. We owe it to them.

101) Learning lessons - Discovering the unique child

"What society does to its children, so will its children do to society." Cicero

A certain young politician had taken up the cause of a minority group. He was completely engrossed in this project - writing, speaking and debating the issue at every forum he could find. It had become for him a magnificent obsession.

One day, a young man from the minority group visited him and begged for a moment of his time. Peeved at the young man's insistence to meet him, the politician instructed his assistant to inform the visitor that he was totally caught up in the cause of the group that he could not spare time for the individual. The startled assistant replied: "Sir, that is incredible. Even God has not reached that stage, yet". The politician had got behind a cause and ignored the person in front of him.

The same thing happens to many of us - we get caught up in the concepts of parenting that we ignore or forget to pay attention to the individual child, the one who is different, unique. To treat each child differently and not by common standards is the holy duty of parents. Instead, we try to bracket them as children and deal with them as a group - neglecting their individual preferences, traits, their blossoming personalities.

We are ruffled when we are stereotyped; yet we do precisely that to children without a thought for the person that each is. As a result our children are emotionally bruised and nurse many hurts. These hurts sometime disfigure their personalities. And willy- nilly we pay the price for the harm we bring upon them.

100) Teach children lessons - that your love cannot be measured.

"Where there is love, there is no labor; or, if there is labor, the labor is loved."
Saint Augustine.

A mother had twelve children. The youngest was a sad sight - physically and emotionally challenged. When Mother Teresa offered to take the child to her Home for children, the mother of the child begged her not to separate her child from her. "This child is the greatest gift God has given my family. All our love is showered on her. If you take her away from us, our lives would have no more meaning". (Story taken from the book: Mother Teresa, In my own words.)

This story should set us thinking. In some of our homes there could be a child who is a slow learner, autistic, deformed or physically challenged in some way. How do we respond to that child? Fatalistic? This is a cross I must carry? Is there unspoken anguish? Do we see the child as a burden that we are forced to shoulder? Do we secretly wish that the child passes on? Our attitude to the child will speak through our actions - labor that can be loved.

Perhaps, we could also learn from the mother of six, who was asked which of her six children she loved the most. Without hesitation she answered: I love that child most who is in trouble. When he is out of trouble, I love the next child who is in trouble. Her love was a response to the need of the child - not her need. As Saint Augustine puts it again: "The measure of love, is to love without measure."

99) Teach children lessons - setting norms

"We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are." Anais Nin.

A man passes a watch maker's shop everyday and stops to correct his watch. The watch maker sees this and inquires why the man had to correct his watch daily. He replies that he works in the adjoining factory and has to make sure that he rings the factory bell exactly at 4PM at closing time. Concealing a blush, the watch maker confides that his clock does not work well and that he corrects his clock everyday when the factory bell rings.

The story may amuse us, but strangely that is what happens to many of us. We keep adjusting our value system to the norms others have only to discover that their norms are suspect. We try to ape others to be befuddled when we find that we are following the wrong standards. Sometimes we have the courage to change and reset our value system. At other times we just carry on. The problem strikes us when our children act likewise. They switch from time to time to adopt priorities of those they fancy. They do not stop to search their minds. They do not see things as they are but as they are - blind followers of others. We owe it to them, not only to have the right standards for our lives, but also help set their own clocks.

98) Teach children lessons - value relationships

"In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart."
Anne Frank (Nazi victim)

Leo Tolstoy in his book My Confessions admits to the blunder of chasing fame through his writings, which robbed him of the treasure of relationships.

Very often we commit the same mistake. We chase our money goals. We fall in love with a position and will do anything to retain it. We hanger after things and possessions, ignoring people who are important in our lives. We choose things over people. Our relationships suffer. Instead of recognizing goodness in people, we find goodness in things. Our children watch what we do and imitate what we do. For them also friends are less important to the things they value. Even people at home become second best. God loses His place in their lives. They chase dreams that are insubstantial. It is time our thinking changed and our example became edifying. Otherwise like Leo Tolstoy, we will have regrets and in our footsteps our children will lament the missed opportunities.

97) Teach children lessons - through example.

"You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips." Oliver Goldsmith

A welcoming party was assembled at the railway station for Dr Albert Schweitzer - Nobel Peace Prize winner in 1953, and missionary who spent his whole life among the poorest in Africa. As the train stopped a tall man stepped out of his compartment to cheers of those waiting. Senior officials shook his hands and the media feasted on the event. He thanked them warmly, but quickly excused himself to go across to an elderly black woman who was struggling with her bags to board the train. Dr Albert helped her with her bags and wished her a safe journey. Returning to the people gathered to greet him, he excused himself for keeping them waiting.

In the crowd, an admirer remarked: "That is the first time I ever saw a sermon walking".

As parents we ought to remember this story and the implication on the example we set our children. Our life, more than our lips will edify our children.

96) Teach children lessons - Anger Management

"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow."
Chinese Proverb.

A few weeks ago I witnessed an incident that shocked me. Two little boys were standing in front of the candle stand at Church. One, about eight, was trying to touch the lighted candles. The other, about five, was trying to do what his brother did. The mother of the children rushes in and starts beating the older boy for playing with lighted candles and allowing his younger brother to do likewise. Shouting at the top of her voice, she berated the older boy in unkind words and continued to physically assault him. In shame and pain, the little boy cringed.

What example was the mother setting? Was her angry outburst a solution? Would she correct her child or harden him in his disobedient ways? Often our mindless words and actions result in the opposite effect we want to produce. Very often we scandalize our children through our irresponsible acts.

95) Teach children lessons - "How can I help?"

"Help your brother's boat across and lo! your own has reached the shore." Hindu Proverb

Sylvia Hill, with a degree in counseling and extensive managerial experience, shines shoes at the Boston Airport. Travelers get their shoes shined by her as she engages them in conversation. Some are touched by her warmth and her cheerful ways that they share their load of problems with her. Using her experience in counseling, she offers them a few tips. They get back to tell her that her suggestions helped. She said that she opted out of a Corporate career to reach out to people who are heavily burdened. "I didn't want to just come to the airport and shine shoes. I wanted to provide service to people, and wanted to make a difference."

Caught up in our own lives, we seldom ask the question: How can I help? When we are obsessed with our lives, our children will think and act likewise - shunning every opportunity to reach out to others. It is time we made a difference to others, to our children and to ourselves.

94) Teach children lessons - Forbearance

"If you suffer from a bad man's injustice, forgive him lest there be two bad men."
Saint Augustine.

The papers report crimes of different kinds - deception and cheating, molestation and rape, thefts and robberies, stabbings and shootings; the list is endless. The vile acts shock us and we are quick to condemn both the crime and the criminal. But have to stopped to consider that we are no less guilty?

We desire another man's wealth and scheme how to steal it from him. We lust beautiful women and women crave for virile men. We plot the downfall and death of those who harm us. The only difference is that we commit the crimes in our minds, others carry out their nefarious plots. We stop with the plan and fear to carry it out because of consequences. The truth is that we are partners in crime with those convicted. We are the shadow criminals.

We are watched by our children who are quick to pounce on those who err - sibling, classmate, teacher. They condemn others although they are guilty of the same faults. Unless they learn from us to forbear the wrongs of others, they will be held down by their double standards - viewing their own faults leniently and being merciless in pulling down others. Only forbearance will give them a balanced view.

93) Teach children lessons - value life

"It is great to be alive", was a sign at the entrance to San Fransisco many many decades ago, when the town had a population of only 500 people but many thousand graves.

During the Second World War ll a Dutch Jew who was a Jeweler was held captive in a Nazi concentration camp. Hidden in a safe place was some gold that he managed to smuggle into the camp. He hoped that he could use it when he was free again. The rations in the camp were meager and he was hungry for most of the time. He knew he could not take it longer, so he decided to trade his gold for food. With the guard he bargained. After much time and many words the guard gave him two dried potatoes for his gold. But the Jeweler accepted the potatoes because he valued his life more than the gold. He wanted to live to be free again.

Viktor Frankl a psychiatrist who was also a prisoner in a concentration camp made an important finding after much observation and study: prisoners who had a reason to live outlived those who gave up hope; who did not have a reason to live.

Do we have a good reason to live? Not just the reason of amassing wealth? Can we honestly say that we live purposeful lives, because we value the life we have? Do we teach our children to value the life God has given them? From us they will learn if we believe that "it is great to be alive" - to live purposeful lives, for ourselves and for others.

92) Teach children lessons - Giving credit where due

"Prophets are not without honor except in their own country and in their own house."
Matt.13:57.

When Jesus walked this earth 2000 years ago, a section of people did not give him credit for the wondrous deeds he performed. That prompted him to say that a prophet like him was not recognized in his hometown. His detractors stopped at not giving him credit.

We go further. Not only do we not give credit where it is due, but also steal credit from those who should have it. Seeing us blatantly flout decency, our children act likewise. They take credit for acts not performed by them - like taking credit for homework and projects completed by parents or older siblings, taking credit for answers provided by others to difficult questions, winning games by cheating. Unless we check this habit as it starts, they can become crafty manipulators. But before we attempt to change them, we need to change ourselves.

91) Teach Children Lessons - Imitation

"The proof of love is imitation." Saint Augustine.

Responding to a question on who his role models were, Jason Araghi founder of Araghi's Green Bean Coffee Worldcafe Company said: "My parents. They are my heroes.Their story is about being good role models." Immigrants from Iran to the USA during the revolution which saw the fall of the Shah, they had to face very hard times. Right through those tough days his parents lived in dignity, teaching him to be a good human being. Those lessons are indelibly printed in his mind.

He chose to set up his parents whom he loved dearly as his role models and decided to imitate them. That is what love does.

How do we score? Do our children love us enough to make us role models? If not, why?

90) Teach children lessons - Integrity

"No legacy is so rich as honesty." Shakespeare

The great wall of China is a gigantic structure which cost much money and took much labor to construct. It looked impregnable when finished. But the enemy breached it, not by tearing it down or digging a tunnel under it, but by bribing the gatekeepers. Nothing is safe where there is corruption; where integrity is missing. Our children are not safe in a home where honesty is compromised.

We are blind to our faults, but will notice and accuse others of the slightest weakness. We shut our eyes to the many half truths that occupy our lives, because deep down we are corrupt, without wanting to acknowledge our guilt. In such a situation, what happens to our children? They see how we live our double standards - preaching honesty but practicing dishonesty in our personal and professional lives. What will our children choose to do? What is convenient; what brings them material gains. So, they too make compromises. They too become corrupt like us.

We hope to leave our children a legacy of riches. Why not try leaving them a legacy of honesty?

89) Teach Children lessons - growing in faith

"Faith is not a leap in the dark; it is a leap out of darkness into light." David Reed.

The passengers on a train were uneasy as they sped along through the dark stormy night. Lightning flashed and the clap of thunder was terrifying as black clouds rolled in, threatening heavier rains. The view through the windows was scary, to say the least. Fear and tension among the travelers was evident, as the train gained speed and rushed over wet tracks.

One little fellow sat alone engrossed in play, with a few toys that surrounded him - unaware and unafraid of the storm and dangers that could beset the travelers. Watching him intently, an elderly lady asked him: "Son, I see that you are alone on the train. Aren't you afraid to travel alone on such a stormy night?" The little boy looked up and gave the lady an angelic smile; then he confidently replied: "No ma'am, I am not afraid. My daddy is the engineer(train driver)."

The innocent faith of a child in his father!

As parents, how we long for implicit trust of our children! We rejoice in such faith. What is unfortunate is that the flame of faith that once burnt bright dims, and we are dismayed. What did we do to deserve the change? Why have our children lost the trusting faith they once had in us? We need to find some answers if our parenting efforts are to get back on track, like the speeding train. Our parenting cannot be derailed for want of trust!

88) Teach children lessons - Helping adversaries

"It is a pleasant thought that when you help a fellow up a steep hill, you get nearer to the top yourself." - Reynolds Price.

Some days ago the newspapers reported on a ravaging fire in Israel that claimed 41 precious lives and scorched acres of land. Firefighters and the people of the area braved the flames to stop more damage. The best part of the team effort was the joining of Palestinians in the firefighting. Setting aside age-old rivalry and rancor, they offered to help their adversaries. What a beautiful act! What a wonderful way of expressing oneness in the face of danger! Do we see a window for peace in the monstrous wall that separates them? We hope that out of some evil, much good will come.

We are reminded of the parable Jesus told - The Good Samaritan. The priest and the Levite, walked past the wounded man. Supposedly, they had their reasons. Along comes a Samaritan, whom the Jews despised. He stops to succor the wounded man. He does not shun him. Instead, he sees a fellow in distress and willingly helps. Are we seeing the parable in action, 2000 years after Jesus narrated it? In their rescue effort are the Palestinians giving us a sign of hope? Is a candle being lit which can light other candles?

Often we are caught up in a war with our adversaries. We malign them; plot their downfall; and delight in their misfortunes. We believe that we have scored a point.
Watching us perform our children learn to gloat over the failings of those who oppose them; speak ill of them; and in their own way scheme to put down those who were friends till yesterday, but have fallen out today. What a tragic commentary to our parenting efforts!

When people in Israel and Palestine can light a candle, will we join them in lighting candles in our own homes?

In this season of goodwill we wish you a blessed and peace-filled Christmas and a hope-filled New Year.